Friday Funnies February 6 09

"Aren't you tired of bad economic news, ladies and gentlemen? Well, here is some good economic news. President Obama has a great new economic plan. Here's what he's going to do. He's going to make all the cabinet members that he has selected pay their back taxes." --David Letterman

"Today, Tom Daschle withdrew his nomination for secretary of health and human services after being forced to pay $128,000 in back taxes. Daschle was extremely upset because now it looks like he paid his taxes for nothin'!" --Jay Leno

"And tax problems for another Obama nominee. Nancy Killefer has withdrawn her nomination as White House chief performance officer. Not only did she not pay her taxes, she had a tax lien put on her house by the government. Where is Obama getting these nominees? Old episodes of 'Cops'?" --Jay Leno

"This is kind of frightening. Al Gore told Congress last week the global warming scenario is worse than previously predicted. Worse than predicted? Wasn't the first prediction we're all going to fry to death? Huh? What's worse than that? Is it going to be humid, too? Is that it?" --Jay Leno

"And it was on this very day in 1690 that the very first paper money in America was issued in Massachusetts. It was issued by a man named Merrill Lynch, who used the money to give himself the first huge bonus." --Jay Leno

"Earlier today, Tom Daschle withdrew his nomination to be the Health and Human Services Secretary after it was revealed he didn't pay back taxes. Yeah. So, President Obama says now it's down to his second and third choices, Willie Nelson and Wesley Snipes." --Conan O'Brien

"President Obama, before Sunday's Super Bowl, did an interview with Matt Lauer, during which he predicted the Steelers would win a squeaker, and sure enough, they did. So it's a shame he didn't bet the deficit on the game." --Jimmy Kimmel

"And the half brother of Barack Obama, a man named George Obama, has been arrested in Kenya for allegedly having drugs. See, here we go again with the dumb presidential brothers. Remember Billy Carter? Then there was Roger Clinton, Bill Clinton's brother. See, we never had that problem with President Bush. He was already the dumb brother. " - Jay Leno

"And former Maryland Lieutenant Governor Michael Steele has become the first African-American Republican National Committee chairman ever. Black Republicans said they were thrilled. Both of them." --Jay Leno

"Tom Daschle, whom President Obama wants as secretary of health and human services, apparently did not pay $128,000 in taxes that he owes the government. Did you realize President Obama hasn't had a cabinet member with an embarrassing tax problem like this since the last guy they appointed?" --Jay Leno

"And because of our huge budget crisis, California's now going to delay paying your tax refunds, to which Tom Daschle said, 'That's why I didn't pay them in the first place.'" --Jay Leno

"Right after Sunday's Super Bowl, President Barack Obama placed a congratulatory phone call to the Steelers from his BlackBerry. Meanwhile, John McCain called the Cardinals from his ham radio." --David Letterman

"You've got to love a guy like John McCain, but stuff is not going his way. He had a huge Super Bowl party, but people started clapping. And every time they did, the lights would go on and off." --David Letterman

"Today is Groundhog Day, and I don't know why this stuff always goes haywire in Alaska. Here is what happened. A little bit of trouble. Groundhog comes out of its hole. Sarah Palin shoots it." --David Letterman

"In an interview with Al-Arabiya, an Arab-language news channel, President Obama said that he wanted to persuade Muslims that the Americans were not your enemy. In an early sign of improvement, the crowd of protestors outside began chanting, 'Injury to America.' So that's better." --Seth Meyers

"The Illinois State Legislature on Thursday voted unanimously to remove Governor Rod Blagojevich from office and barred him from ever holding public office in the state again. When informed of his impeachment, Blagojevich was so stunned his hair stood on end, killing six people in the office above." --Seth Meyers

"Happy TGIF. You know what TGIF stands for? The Governor Is Fired." --Jay Leno

"Our studio audience might not know this, but a couple hours ago, Gov. Blagojevich was convicted and removed from office by a vote of 59-0. So close! So that's one corrupt politician down, 126,388 to go." --Jay Leno

"Oh, boy, the Illinois senators were mad -- 59-0. Not only was he Blagojevich convicted, his hairdresser was given the death penalty." --Jay Leno

"There's now growing proof that some of the relief money that was supposed to help victims of the huge earthquake in China was actually siphoned off by corrupt officials. In fact, one corrupt official, Chang Blagojevich, was arrested today." --Jay Leno

"According to a new study in the journal 'Social Science Quarterly,' people who grow up with unpopular and strange sounding names are much more likely to be unsuccessful in life. I'll remember to tell that to President Barack Hussein Obama." --Jay Leno

"Oh, here's good news. I guess the House of Representatives has passed President Obama's stimulus package. And then I guess it goes through the Senate. And if that's passed, then that $800 billion, just disappears. Have no idea where it goes." --David Letterman

"You know it's interesting, when Bill Clinton needed stimulus for his package, he just called an intern." --David Letterman

"But Dick Cheney, you know, he's in retirement now. But he's not just sitting around, taking it easy, oh, no. He's active. He's got things going on. For example, he booked himself on the show, 'Sneering with the Stars.'" --David Letterman

"According to a new study, there's been an increase in the number of illegal Mexican immigrants living in Canada. Yeah. Yeah, you got the hand it to them. That must be some tunnel." --Conan O'Brien

"The state Senate in Illinois stayed in session today to finish the impeachment trial of Governor Rod Blagojevich, who decided to show up today. He spoke for 47 minutes before they were able to nab him with a butterfly net and some Aqua Net." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Blagojevich showed that a high-ranking politician in the United States can be disgraced without hookers or gay sex in a public bathroom and I think that's refreshing, right?" --Jimmy Kimmel

"Meanwhile, our president, President Obama, will make his first trip overseas to Canada next month. It's an historic visit, not just because it's his first foreign trip, but because he'll be the first black person ever to visit Canada." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Obama is going because Canada is such an important friend to the United States and because he always wanted to visit the birth place of Alan Thicke." --Jimmy Kimmel

Jay Leno on Wall Street:
1. The US has made a new weapon that destroys people but keeps the building standing. It's called the stock market.
2. Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now being called Wall Mart Street.
3. The difference between a pigeon and a London investment banker. The pigeon can still make a deposit on a BMW.
4. What's the difference between a guy who lost everything in Las Vegas and an investment banker? A tie!
5. The problem with investment bank balance sheet is that on the left side nothing's right and on the right side nothing's left.
6. I want to warn people from Nigeria who might be watching our show ... if you get any emails from Washington asking for money, it's a scam. Don't fall for it.
7. Bush was asked about the credit crunch. He said it was his favorite candy bar.
8. The rescue bill was about 450 pages. President Bush's copy is even thicker. They had to include pictures.
9. President Bush's response was to meet some small business owners in San Antonio last week. The small business owners are General Motors, General Electric and Century 21.
10. What worries me most about the credit crunch is that if one of my cheques is returned stamped 'insufficient funds', I won't know whether that refers to mine or the bank's.

Stimulus Payment Information for Americans
"This year, taxpayers will receive an Economic Stimulus Payment. This is a very exciting new program that I will explain using the Q and A format:
Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment? A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
Q. Where will the government get this money? A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money? A. Only a smidgen.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment? A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China? A. Shut up.
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:
If you spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China.
If you spend it on gasoline it will go to the Arabs.
If you purchase a computer it will go to India.
If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala (unless you buy organic).
If you buy a car it will go to Japan.
If you purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan.
And none of it will help the American economy.
Americans need to keep that money in America, hence they should consider spending it at yard sales, going to baseball games, on prostitutes, beer and wine (domestic ONLY), or tattoos, since those are the only businesses still in the US .

A Mexican, an Arab, and a Canadian are sitting drinking in a bar. When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In Mexico, our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.' The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks his non-alcoholic beer, throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.' The Canadian picks up his beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out his 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab. Catching his glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, he says, 'In Canada we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice AND we recycle glasses.'

Man's 5 Most Feared Questions:
What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e. tells the bloody truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analysed below along with possible responses.

Question #1: What are you thinking about?
The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I have been a bit pensive darling. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you." This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:
a. Nothing
b. Football
c. Jennifer Lopez
d. How fat you've got
e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died
Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you."

Question #2: Do you love me?
The proper response is: "YES" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is necessary, "Yes, dear." Inappropriate responses include:
a. Oh yeah, shitloads.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love.
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?

Question #3: Do I look fat?
The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!!"
Among the incorrect answers are:
a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I've seen fatter.
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question #4: Do you think she is prettier than me?
Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!!"
Incorrect responses include:
a. Yes but you have a better personality.
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner.
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age.
d. Define "pretty".
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question #5: What would you do if I died?
A definite no-win question. (The real answer of course is "Buy a Porsche and a speedboat"). No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow up questions, usually along these lines:
WOMAN: Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not? Don't you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (With a hurt look on her face)
MAN: (Makes audible groan)
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures and replace them with pictures of her?
MAN: That would seem the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She can't. She's left-handed.
WOMAN: silence...
MAN: Shit.

I’ve had it up to here with midgets!

You Tube My Space and I’ll Google your Yahoo!

Keep Earth clean …it’s not Uranus!

A man breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds couple in bed. He orders the guy out of the bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: Listen... this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain...do what ever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you! His wife responds: He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too.

A really cute young girl just can’t keep a boyfriend because her pussy smells like an onion. A helpful friend says that she knows a really nice guy who had an accident and lost his sense of smell. The girl meets the guy and everything goes well until his head ventures down below the covers. After less than a minute the guy lifts his head and says, “That's it! I’m outta here! I just can’t take a pussy that smells like onion!” The girl says, “But I don’t understand, you can’t smell.” He says, “Yeah but my eyes can still water!”

A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a Sex Shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter. Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, stuttering she asks the sales clerk: 'Dddooo youuuu hhhave dddddiilllldosss? The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies: 'Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models.' The old lady then asks: 'Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryy aaa pppinkk onnee, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt ttwoo inchesss ththiickk...aaand rrunns onnnn bbaatteries? The clerk responds, 'Yes we do.' She asks: ' Ddddooo yyoooouuuu kknnnoooww hhhowww tttooo ttturrrnnn ttthe ssunoooffabbitch offffff?

A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde, female crew member to take care of the box for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He pointedly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, mentioned that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior. Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?" Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them. The lessons – men never learn and blondes aren't as dumb as most men think.

Due to recent budget cuts and the cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions and the continued decline of the world-wide economy, the Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off. We apologize for any inconvenience.

The Price of Children: (especially for Lew and Zina who are meeting their third grandson today)
We’ve all seen these financial breakdowns before of the cost of raising a child, but this is the first time I have seen the rewards listed this way. Enjoy!
The government recently calculated the cost of raising a child from birth to 18 and came up with $160,140.00 for a middle income family. Talk about price shock! That doesn't even touch college tuition. But $160,140.00 isn't so bad if you break it down. It translates into:
$8,896.66 a year, $741.38 a month, or $171.08 a week. That's a mere $24.24 a day! Just over a dollar an hour.
Still, you might think the best financial advice is don't have children if you want to be 'rich.' Actually, it is just the opposite. What do you get for your $160,140.00?
- Naming rights. First, middle, and last!
- Glimpses of God every day.
- Giggles under the covers every night.
- More love than your heart can hold.
- Butterfly kisses and Velcro hugs.
- Endless wonder over rocks, ants, clouds, and warm cookies.
- A hand to hold, usually covered with jelly or chocolate.
- A partner for blowing bubbles and flying kites.
- Someone to laugh yourself silly with, no matter what the boss said or how your stocks performed that day.
For $160,140.00, you never have to grow up. You get to:
- finger-paint,
- carve pumpkins,
- play hide-and-seek,
- catch lightning bugs.
You have an excuse to:
- keep reading the Adventures of Piglet and Pooh,
- watch Saturday morning cartoons,
- go to Disney movies, and
- wish on stars.
You get to frame rainbows, hearts, and flowers under refrigerator magnets and collect hand print sets in clay for Mother's Day, and cards with backward letters for Father's Day.
For a mere $24.24 a day, there is no greater bang for your buck. You get to be a hero just for:
- retrieving a Frisbee off the garage roof,
- taking the training wheels off a bike,
- removing a splinter,
- filling a wading pool,
- coaxing a wad of gum out of bangs, and
- coaching a baseball team that never wins but always gets treated to ice cream regardless.
You get a front row seat in history to witness the:
- first step,
- first word,
- first bra,
- first date, and
- first time behind the wheel.
You get to be immortal. You get another branch added to your family tree, and if you're lucky, a long list of limbs in your obituary called grandchildren and great grandchildren.
You get an education in psychology, nursing, criminal justice, communications, and human sexuality that no college can match.
In the eyes of a child, you rank right up there under God. You have all the power to heal a boo-boo, scare away the monsters under the bed, patch a broken heart, police a slumber party, ground them forever, and love them without limits, so one day they will, like you, love without counting the cost. That is quite a deal for the price!
Love and enjoy your children and grandchildren and great-grandchildren! It's the best investment you'll make!