Friday Funnies February 13 09

"Meg Whitman, the former C.E.O. of eBay, has filed to run for governor of California. Well, that makes sense. I mean, the state's broke. If we're going to start selling stuff, who better to be governor than the head of eBay?" --Jay Leno

"Down in Louisiana, a porn star named Stormy Daniels announced that before she commits to running for U.S. Senate, she will go on a state-wide listening tour. Daniels added, and I'm quoting here, that she may 'be a slut and a whore, but' she is 'not a criminal.' But this is why she will never win. See, in the Senate, you have to be all three." --Jay Leno

"All the Democrats in the Senate and three Republicans voted for the stimulus bill. President Barack Obama says it's going to take a lot of time before Republicans warm up to his many appeals for bipartisanship. The biggest hurdle, I guess, is how do you convince Republicans that being bipartisan doesn't mean you have to have sex with other dudes." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Oh, here's a bad sign. In Hawaii, a billion dollar Navy warship has run aground. They can't get it unstuck. Its name? The U.S.S. Economy." --Jay Leno

"And the jobless rate has jumped to 7.6 percent, the worst since 1974, and economists are now worried this could lead to a resurgence of disco." --Jay Leno

"I tell you, the economy is in bad shape. In fact, the economy is so bad, President Barack Obama's new slogan is 'Spare Change You Can Believe In.'" --Jay Leno

"The economy is so bad, New York Yankee slugger Alex Rodriguez had to switch from steroids to Flintstone vitamins." --Jay Leno

"In Massachusetts, the lesbian couple who led the fight to legalize gay marriage has now filed for divorce. It's sad. Yeah. The couple is really upset because they always swore they'd stay together for the sake of the cat." --Conan O'Brien

"President Obama, getting very tough now, has imposed a $500,000 salary cap for executives getting federal bailout money. And, listen to this: Now on weekends, they can only play miniature golf. No more 18 holes." --Jay Leno

The rest of the country might not know this: Today is Furlough Friday here in California. Furlough Friday, where 200,000 -- the state is so broke, 200,000 workers are asked to stay home without pay as a cash-saving measure. This is what I love about California: They make it sound like it's fun. Oh, Furlough Friday. What's the next big holiday, Selling-Your-Blood-For-Money Saturday?" --Jay Leno

"President Barack Obama has relaxed the White House dress code. He's the first president to do that since Bill Clinton, who, of course, established 'Pants-Free Friday.'" --David Letterman

"In a statement released Friday, Republican Senator James Inhofe said the economic recovery bill is 93 percent spending and 7 percent stimulation, which, coincidentally, is the exact same formula used to bring Nancy Pelosi to orgasm." --Seth Meyers

"At a Groundhog Day ceremony at the Staten Island Zoo on Monday, New York Mayor Mike Bloomberg was bitten on the finger by a groundhog, which means six more weeks of winter for us, and six pounds of fresh groundhog meat for the zoo's lions." --Seth Meyers

"Hey, listen to this -- according to 'The Wall Street Journal,' the city of Las Vegas wants to use $2 million worth of the economic stimulus package for neon signs. I just hope it doesn't make the city look tacky." --Jay Leno

"I don't want to just ruin everybody's day, but there is discouraging news everywhere. Unemployment is high. Foreclosure rate is high. Michael Phelps is high." --David Letterman

"This week in Washington, President Obama took time out from his busy day to read a book to a group of second graders. Did you see that on the news? It was a fairy tale about a cabinet nominee who once paid all his taxes." --Jay Leno

"I think Barack Obama is a genius. I think this is part of the plan. Do you ever notice when Barack Obama nominates someone, the first thing they do is pay their taxes? He's found a way to pay off the deficit. Nominate every single person in the country one at a time, until they pay off the deficit." --Jay Leno

"As you know, Tom Daschle withdrew his name to be in Obama's cabinet, due to IRS problems. Yeah, he said, 'I will not be a distraction.' See, distraction is Washington talk for, 'Uh-oh, there's a lot more crap you don't know about yet.'" --Jay Leno

"Daschle says that his problems with the IRS were unintentional. Well, of course they were unintentional. He never intended to get caught." --Jay Leno

"I guess the Democrats think IRS means, 'I'm really sorry.'" --Jay Leno

"And you know that woman here in California who just had the eight kids and has six more at home?' Well, today, Tom Daschle proposed to her. He's not in love, he just needs the deductions. 'Please marry me, please!'" --Jay Leno

"The White House issued a statement today saying that the reason their nominees are having such trouble is that the new White House has set the bar very high. See, that shows you what's wrong with politics in this country. That's what the government considers setting the bar high, having to pay taxes like everybody else in America." --Jay Leno

"And the US Postal Service says they may cut postal service from six days to five days a week. They say they're losing money because people aren't using the postal service as much as they used to. If you'd like to complain, you can e-mail the complaint to uspostalservice.com." --Jay Leno

The new US energy secretary predicts agriculture in California will disappear in this century because of global warming. He said people in California will no longer grow crops, except those who are growing them in their basements, attics, and garages." --Jay Leno

"Now that Tom Daschle has withdrawn his nomination, the White House is thinking of replacing him with the CEO of Safeway supermarkets. That's true. Yeah, the White House said they should be able to check him out quickly if he has eight items or less." --Conan O'Brien

A Russian physician says: "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks". A German physician says: "That’s nothing, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him look for work in four weeks". An Israeli physician says: "In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks". An American physician from Texas, not to be outdone, says: "You guys are way behind, we recently took a man with no brains out of Texas, put him in The White House for eight years, and now half the country is looking for work".

As I'm sure you're all aware, today is Friday the thirteenth. In case you didn’t know, Triskaidekaphobia is the fear of the number 13 and Paraskevidekatriaphobia is fear of Friday the 13th. Every year will have at least one Friday the 13th fall in one of the months, with a maximum of 3 times that it will occur in a year (this year again in March and November).

Did you know that in America over 21 million people will stay home due to superstition?
Did you also know that in Australia there are slightly less cars on the road on Friday the 13th, but slightly more accidents occur?
Many people consider Fridays and the number 13 to be unlucky generally. For example:
• Many believe that cars built on a Friday have more mechanical problems because workers are more careless on those days.
• French socialites (quatorziens = fourteeneers) would make themselves available as emergency guest fill-ins for dinner parties which held 13 names so they could be the 14th guest.
• Many theatre managers will refuse to open a new show on a Friday, esp. if it is the 13th.
• Threats of computer viruses run amuck on Friday the 13th often needlessly scaring many users.
• Many businesses (or their CEOs) dislike beginning a new venture on a Friday, starting on a business trip or even signing a contract on any 13th of any month, esp. if it's a Friday the 13th.
• Otis Elevator Company says that 90% of skyscrapers (and many big hotels) have no 13th floor.
• Many hospitals, hotels, office complexes, etc. have no Room 13.
• Universal Studios in California has no studio lot 13.
• Many airlines, sports arenas and auditoriums eliminate a "seat 13" or even a row 13.
• The airport in Fresno, California doesn't have a Gate 13.
• And, many folks will not have 13 as a house number so the Post Office gives them 12 1/2.
• And in France to replace the number 13, they use 12 two times as 1212.

Interesting occurrences on Friday the 13th:
• Many modern stories (including The Da Vinci Code) claim that when King Philip IV had many Knights Templar simultaneously arrested on Friday, October 13, 1307, that started the legend of the unlucky Friday the 13th.
• On Friday, September 13, 1939, Igor Sikorsky invented the helicopter.
• On Friday, July 13, 1900, Teddy Roosevelt laid the cornerstone for the new county courthouse in New York.
• On Friday, September 13, 1814 Francis Scott Key wrote "The Star Spangled Banner".
• On Friday, September 13, 1857, Milton Hershey was born. And, this gave us Hershey chocolate, which, of course, becomes a big deal tomorrow for Valentine’s Day.

Beware Of The Friday 13th Virus
It will recalibrate your refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream goes melty.
It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, screw up the tracking on your television and use subspace field harmonics to scratch any CDs you try to play.
It will give your ex-girlfriend your new phone number.
It will mix Kool-aid into your fishtank.
It will drink all your beer and leave dirty socks on the coffee table when company comes over.
It will put a dead aardvark in the back pocket of your good suit pants and hide your car keys when you are late for work.
Friday 13th Virus will make you fall in love with a penguin.
It will give you nightmares about circus midgets.
It will pour sugar in your gas tank and shave off both your eyebrows while dating your girlfriend behind your back and billing the dinner and hotel room to your Discover card.
It moves your car randomly around parking lots so you can't find it.
It will leave libidinous messages on your boss's voice mail in your voice!
It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.
It will give you Dutch Elm disease.
It will leave the toilet seat up.
It will leave bacon cooking on the stove while it goes out to chase gradeschoolers with your new snowblower.
Friday 13th Virus will cause your cakes to fall and your blood pressure to rise.
It will increase the ability of your radio to pick up reactionary talk stations at the expense of others.
It prevents scurvy, but it gives you mega garlic breath as it does so, which makes the net results negative.
It cheats at Scrabble.
It can forge your signature.
It plays the bagpipes in your basement.
It shaves over your bathroom sink and then leaves the hair to clog your drain.

Jim asked his friend, Tony, what he had bought his wife for Valentine's Day. Tony, a bit of a chauvinist, replied, 'I bought her a belt and a bag.' 'That was very nice of you,' Jim said, 'I hope she appreciated the thought.' Tony replied, 'So do I, and hopefully the vacuum cleaner will work better now.’

Approaching Valentine’s Day we keep hearing that men just don’t understand women and as a man, I agree one hundred per cent! But let us also remember that women don’t always understand men either, so here is a public service message for women to better understand the psyche of men.

Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. Calling AAA is not an option. I will win.

Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, 'I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start.' We will then drink a couple of beers and break wind, as a form of holy communion.

Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you, this is no problem.

Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like beer, milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like 'cumin' or 'tofu.' For all I know, these are the same thing.

Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it.....though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator.

Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The true answer is always either sex, cars, sex, sports or sex. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.

Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay, I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.

Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't ...and if you are feeling amorous afterwards… then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.

Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2009, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest...... like wandering around in the garden with a beer wondering what to do.

Also for Valentine’s Day, these are entries from a Washington Post competition asking for a two line rhyme with the most romantic first line and the least romantic second line.

11) My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.

10) I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

9) Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

8) Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.

7) I thought that I could love no other --
that is until I met your brother.

6) Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

5) I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.

4) I love your smile, your face, and your eyes -
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

3) My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

2) My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "Go to hell."

1) What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

HOW TO TREAT A WOMAN:
Wine her. Dine her. Call her. Hold her. Surprise her. Compliment her. Smile at her. Listen to her. Laugh with her. Cry with her. Romance her. Encourage her. Believe in her. Pray with her. Pray for her. Cuddle with her. Shop with her. Give her jewelry. Buy her flowers. Hold her hand. Write love letters to her. Go to the ends of the earth and back again for her.

HOW TO TREAT A MAN:
Show up naked. Bring chicken wings. Don't block the TV.

Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night of Valentine’s Day together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy. The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?" Donald frowned and said "No." Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex. "Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested. So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms. "Yes, we do," the clerk said, and pulled one out from under the counter and gave it to Donald The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put that on your bill? "No!" Donald quacked, "What kind of a friggin' pervert do you think I am?"

With Valentine’s Day coming up, the Penis decided it was time to ask for a raise.
The Request:
I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labour.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely, P. Niss

The Response:
Dear Penis:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely, V. Gina

It was entertainment night at the Senior Center and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, 'Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience. The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. 'I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. ! It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations.' He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting 'Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch...' The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces. 'Shit' said the Hypnotist. It took three days to clean up the place!

Mother Goose for Seniors:
Life is short. Forgive quickly.
Kiss slowly. Love truly.
Laugh uncontrollably and
Never regret anything that made you smile.

Getting old’s not for the timid. Yesterday I got my ‘Preparation H’ mixed up with my Poli-Grip and now I talk like an asshole!....but my gums don’t itch.

Just one more word of advice learned from experience, never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night!

Due to the popularity of the "Survivor" shows, Texas is planning to do one entitled, "Survivor, Texas-Style." The contestants will all start in Dallas, then drive to Waco, Austin, San Antonio, over to Houston and down to Brownsville. They will then proceed up to Del Rio, El Paso, Midland, Odessa, Lubbock and Amarillo. From there they will go on to Abilene, Fort Worth and finally back to Dallas. Each will be driving a pink Volvo with bumper stickers that read: "I'm Gay," "I Love the Dixie Chicks," "Boycott Beef," "I Voted for Obama," "George Strait Sucks," "Hillary in 2012" and "I'm here to confiscate your guns." The first one to make it back to Dallas alive wins.

Jeff Gordon fires entire pit crew:
This announcement followed Gordon's decision to take advantage of President-elect Obama's scheme to employ Harlem youngsters. The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Harlem were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Gordon's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of dollars worth of high tech equipment. It was thought to be an excellent and bold move by Gordon's management team as most races are won or lost in the pits. However, Gordon got more than he bargained for! At the crew's first practice session, not only was the inexperienced crew able to change all 4 wheels in under 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had changed the paint scheme, altered the Vin number, and sold the car to Dale Jr. for 10 cases of Bud, a bag of weed, and some photos of Jeff Gordon's wife in the shower.

At a family gathering, mischievous teenagers put a Viagra tablet into Grandpa's drink when he wasn't looking. After a while, Grandpa excused himself because he had to go to the bathroom. When he returned, his trousers were wet all over. 'What happened, Grandpa,' asked his concerned grand children? 'Well,' he answered, 'I don't really know.' I had to go to the bathroom. So I took it out and started to pee, but then I noticed it wasn't mine, so I put it back!

A group of foreign dignitaries are visiting Israel. At the end of the tour, they are taken to see the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier. They look at the tomb and read the following inscription: ABRAHAM SCHWARTZ, BORN 5694, DIED 5733, A GOOD MAN AND A GREAT FURRIER
The visitors are incredulous. They ask the guide, "How can this be an unknown soldier if the grave has his name?" Their host responds, "Sure, as a soldier he was unknown, but as a furrier - he was the best!"

I Believe …

That our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.

That no matter how good a friend is, they’re going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.

That just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to, doesn’t mean they don’t love you with all they have.

That true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.

That it’s taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.

That you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.

That you can keep going, long after you think you can’t.

That we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.

That either you control your attitude or it controls you.

That heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.

That money is a lousy way of keeping score.

That my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.

That sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you’re down, will be the ones to help you get back up.

That sometimes when I’m angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn’t give me the right to be cruel.

That maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you’ve had and what you’ve learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you’ve celebrated.

That it isn’t always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.

That no matter how bad your heart is broken, the world doesn’t stop for your grief.

That just because two people argue, it doesn’t mean they don’t love each other.

And just because they don’t argue, it doesn’t mean they do.

That you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.

That two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.

That your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don’t even know you.

That even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help.

That credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.

That the people you care about most in life are taken from you much too soon.

That life is more precious than money will ever be able to be.