As I’m away on holidays, I’m substituting the usual Funnies with this salute to the demon alcohol:
Alcohol Trivia
1. President Lyndon B. Johnson's favourite drink may have been scotch and soda. He would ride around his Texas ranch in an open convertible in hot weather. He drank his "scotch and soda out of a large white plastic foam cup. Periodically, Johnson would slow down and hold his left arm outside the car, shaking the cup and ice. A Secret Service agent would run up to the car, take the cup and go back to the station wagon (following the President's car). There another agent would refill it with ice, scotch, and soda as the first agent trotted behind the wagon. Then the first agent would run the refilled cup up to LBJ's outstretched hand, as the President's car moved slowly forward."
2. Don’t swallow in Utah! Wine used in wine tastings in Utah must not be swallowed!
3. Adding a miniature onion to a martini turns it into a Gibson.
4. The longest bar in the world is 684 feet (or about 208.5 meters) long and is located at the New Bulldog in Rock Island, Illinois.
5. A drinking establishment is now located in the New York City building that once housed the National Temperance Society.
6. A tequini is a martini made with tequila instead of dry gin.
7. The body or lightness of whiskey is primarily determined by the size of the grain from which it is made; the larger the grain, the lighter the whiskey. For example, whiskey made from rye, with its small grain size, is bigger or fuller-bodied than is whiskey made from corn, with its large grain size.
8. Each molecule of alcohol is less than a billionth of a meter long and consists of a few atoms of oxygen, carbon and hydrogen
9. Christopher Columbus brought Sherry on his voyage to the New World.
10. As Magellan prepared to sail around the world in 1519, he spent more on Sherry than on weapons.
11. Sixty-two percent of Americans report that they have used the service of a designated driver.
12. The founder of MADD (Mothers Against Drunk Driving) no longer belongs to the organization. She resigned after it became increasingly anti-alcohol rather than simply anti-drunk-driving.
13. Vassar College was established and funded by a brewer.
14. Franklin D. Roosevelt was elected President of the U.S. in 1932 on a pledge to end National Prohibition.
15. During World War II, reduction of consumption activists argued that soldiers should not be permitted to drink alcohol beverages. However, General George C. Marshall, Chief of Staff of the U.S. Army, insisted that such prohibition would be 'harmful to the men in the service."
16. The consumption of alcohol was so widespread throughout history that it has been called "a universal language."
17. Opposition to the enforcement of Prohibition increased as people became disillusioned with the Noble Experiment. Montana became the first state to repeal its enforcement of Prohibition, doing so in 1926 (Prohibition lasted from 1920 through 1933).
18. Shochu, a beverage distilled from barley, was the favorite beverage of the world’s longest-living man, Shigechiyo Izumi of Japan, who lived for 120 years and 237 days. He was born on June 29, 1865 and died on February 21, 1986.
19. The U.S. Marines’ first recruiting station was in a bar.
20. Only 30% of adults in the U.S. believe that drinking can form part of a healthy, balanced life. This is in spite of the fact that moderate drinking is associated with better health and greater longevity than is abstention.
21. Bourbon is the official spirit of the United States, by act of Congress.
22. One glass of milk can give a person a .02 blood alcohol concentration (BAC) on a Breathalyzer test. That’s enough in some states for persons under age 21 to lose their drivers license and be fined.
23. Letters from “increase alcohol taxes” can be used to spell “Alert: Halt excess excise taxes on alcohol.” Heavy taxes, which more than double the price of a typical bottle of whiskey, rum or other distilled spirits beverage, encourages the production and sale of dangerous bootleg alcohol.”
24. Fermentation within the body is essential for human life to exist.
25. At the request of a distiller, Louis Pasteur began his pioneering research by investigating the process of fermentation, by which all alcohol beverages and many other foods are produced.
26. Fermentation is involved in the production of many foods, including bread (bread “rises” as it ferments), sauerkraut, coffee, black tea, cheese, yogurt, buttermilk, pickles, cottage cheese, chocolate, vanilla, ginger, catsup, mustard, soy sauce and many more.
27. Martha Washington enjoyed daily toddys. In the 1790s, "happy hour" began at 3:00 p.m. and cocktails continued until dinner.
28. Tom Arnold, Sandra Bullock, Chevy Chase, Bill Cosby, Kris Kristofferson, and Bruce Willis are all former bartenders.
29. Frederick the Great of Prussia tried to ban the consumption of coffee and demanded that the populace drink alcohol instead.
30. President Lincoln, when informed that General Grant drank whiskey while leading his troops, reportedly replied "Find out the name of the brand so I can give it to my other generals."
31. Being intoxicated had desirable spiritual significance to the ancient Egyptians. They often gave their children names like "How Drunk is Cheops" or "How Intoxicated is Hathor."
32. The Pilgrims landed at what is now Plymouth, Massachusetts, rather than continue sailing because they were running out of supplies, especially alcohol beverage.
33. The bill for a celebration party for the 55 drafters of the US Constitution was for 54 bottles of Madeira, 60 bottles of claret, 8 bottles of whiskey, 22 bottles of port, 8 bottles of hard cider, 12 beers and seven bowls of alcohol punch large enough that "ducks could swim in them."
34. During the reign of William III, a garden fountain was once used as a giant punch bowl. The recipe included 560 gallons of brandy, 1200 pounds of sugar, 25,000 lemons, 20 gallons of lime juice, and five pounds of nutmeg. The bartender rowed around in a small boat, filling up guests' punch cups.
35. The Manhattan cocktail (whiskey and sweet vermouth) was invented by Winston Churchill's mother.
36. Desi Arnaz's grandfather was one of the founders of the largest rum distillery in the world.
37. If a young Tiriki man offers beer to a woman and she spits some of it into his mouth, they are engaged to be married. Hmmmmm.....that makes the single life seem a little more attractive.
38. Among the Bagonda people of Uganda, the several widows of a recently deceased king have the distinctive honor of drinking the beer in which his entrails have been cleaned.
39. Alcohol is considered the only proper payment for teachers among the Lepcha people of Tibet.
40. The Chagga people of Tanganyika believe that a liar will be poisoned if he or she consumes beer mixed with the blood of a recently sacrificed goat.
41. Beer is mixed with saliva and blood for a drink that is shared when two Chagga men become blood brothers.
42. The national anthem of the US, the "Star-Spangled Banner," was written to the tune of a drinking song.
43. The shallow champagne glass originated with Marie Antoinette. It was first formed from wax molds made of her breasts. (Talk about being in her cups!)
44. Beer was not sold in bottles until 1850; it was not sold in cans until 1935.
45. In the 1600's thermometers were filled with brandy instead of mercury.
46. A raisin dropped into a glass of champagne will repeatedly bounce up and down between the top and the bottom of the glass.
47. As late as the mid-17th century, the French wine makers did not use corks. Instead, they used oil-soaked rags stuffed into the necks of bottles.
48. The corkscrew was invented in 1860.
49. The longest recorded champagne cork flight was 177 feet and 9 inches, four feet from level ground at Woodbury Vineyards in New York State.
50. In the 1800's, rum was considered excellent for cleaning hair and keeping it healthy. Brandy was believed to strengthen hair roots.
51. The purpose of the indentation at the bottom of a wine bottle is to strengthen the structure of the bottle.
52. In the U.S., a barrel of beer contains 31 gallons, which is equivalent to about 330 twelve-ounce bottles or cans.
53. Bubbles in Champagne were seen by early wine makers as a highly undesirable defect to be prevented.
54. Liquor stores in the US are called "package stores" and sell "package goods" because of laws requiring that alcohol containers be concealed in public by being placed in paper bags or "packages."
55. Methyphobia is fear of alcohol.
56. The term "brand name" originated among American distillers, who branded their names and emblems on their kegs before shipment.
57. The region of the U.S. that consumes the least alcohol (commonly known as the "Bible belt") is also known by many doctors as Stroke Alley.
58. In ancient Babylon, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead (fermented honey beverage) he could drink for a month after the wedding. Because their calendar was lunar or moon-based, this period of free mead was called the "honey month," or what we now call the "honeymoon."
59. Before thermometers were invented, brewers would dip a thumb or finger into the liquid to determine the ideal temperature, neither too hot nor too cold, for adding yeast. From this we get the phrase "rule of thumb."
60. Dipsomania refers to an abnormal or insatiable craving for alcohol.
61. In old England, a whistle was baked into the rim or handle of ceramic cups used by pub patrons. When they wanted a refill, they used the whistle to get service. So when people went drinking, they would "wet their whistle."
62. "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" is commonly believed to be the only English sentence devised to include all the letters of the alphabet. However, typesetters have another such sentence: "Pack my box with five dozen liquor jugs."
63. The word "toast," meaning a wish of good health, started in ancient Rome, where a piece of toasted bread was dropped into wine.
64. In English pubs drinks are served in pints and quarts. In old England, bartenders would advise unruly customers to mind their own pints and quarts. It's the origin of "mind your P's and Q's."
65. Do you like isyammitilka or ksikonewiw? Those are the words for alcohol beverage among the Alabama and the Maliseet-Passamaquoddy tribes of Native American peoples.
66. Alcohol consumption decreases during the time of the full moon.
67. Drinking lowers rather than raises the body temperature. There is an illusion of increased heat because alcohol causes the capillaries to dilate and fill with more warm blood.
68. Rhode Island never ratified the 18 Amendment establishing Prohibition.
69. "Whiskey" is the international aviation word used to represent the letter "w."
70. Most vegetable, and virtually all fruit juices, contain alcohol.
71. There are 83 dry towns and villages in Alaska.
72. In West Virginia, bars can advertise alcohol beverage prices, but not brand names.
73. There is a cloud of alcohol in outer space with enough alcohol to make four trillion-trillion drinks. It's free for the taking. . . but it's 10,000 light years away from Earth.
74. The Mayflower, well-known for bringing the Pilgrims to the New World, ordinarily transported alcohol beverage between Spain and England.
75. Wine has about the same number of calories as an equal amount of grape juice.
76. Johnny Appleseed probably distributed apple seeds across the American frontier so that people could make fermented apple juice ("hard" cider) rather than eat apples.
77. White wine gets darker as it ages while red wine gets lighter.
78. "There's no free lunch." Pennsylvania outlawed free lunches in 1917 to prevent taverns from giving free sandwiches to customers who bought beer to drink with them. This led some shop keepers to sell sandwiches and give away the beer.
79. During World War II, a group of alpine soldiers who were stranded in mountain snows survived for an entire month on nothing but a cask of sherry.
80. White lightning is a name for illegally-distilled spirits. All spirits are clear or "white" until aged in charred oak barrels. Moonshiners skip the aging process to reduce risk of arrest, hence the name of their product. Moonshining is profitable because the taxes on legally-produced spirits are so high.
81. It is estimated that the federal government takes in 14 times more in taxes on distilled spirits than producers of the products earn making them. That does not include what states and localities additionally take in taxes on the same products.
82. President Jimmy Carter's mother said "I'm a Christian, but that doesn't mean I'm a long-faced square. I like a little bourbon."
83. President Thomas Jefferson was the new U.S nation's first wine expert.
84. It's impossible to create a beverage of over 18% alcohol by fermentation alone.
85. Temperance activists, who strongly opposed the consumption of alcohol, typically consumed patent medicines that, just like whiskey, generally contained 40% alcohol!
86. In Malaysia, drunk drivers are jailed and so are their spouses.
87. Spectators at Indy car races consume more blush wine than the average American, according to interviews of 200,000 adults in the top 75 markets. The inteviews also found that golfers drink domestic beer 64% more often than imported beer and that attendees of R&B, rap or hip-hop concerts are 94% more likely than the average person to drink champagne.
88. The word "liquor" is prohibited on storefronts in some states of the U.S.
89. Letters from “drink to your health” can be used to spell “ideal heart diet.” Drinking alcohol in moderation reduces the risk of heart disease by an average of about 40%.
90. Abraham Lincoln, the sixteenth president of the US, stated that "It has long been recognized that the problems with alcohol relate not to the use of a bad thing, but to the abuse of a good thing."
91. Beer and Bras. British men have been found twice as likely to know the price of their beer as their partner's bra size. A poll reported in Britain's Prima magazine found that 77% of males knew how much their beer costs but only 38% knew the correct size of their mate's bra.
92. Sucking on pennies will have no affect on the results of a breathalyzer test. (Therefore, doing so makes no cents!)
93. A labeorphilist is a collector of beer bottles.
94. Between 1980 and 1996, over 2,300 anti-drunk-driving laws were passed in the U.S. If laws could solve a problem, there wouldn't be any drunk driving today!
95. Like to open a restaurant? Expect to pay over $35,000 for a restaurant liquor license in Philadelphia. Although that's expensive, it's a bargain compared to obtaining one in Evesham Township (New Jersey) at over $475,000 or one in Mount Laurel (New Jersey) at over $675,000. No wonder restaurants have such a high failure rate.
96. Shakespeare referred (in Love's Labour Lost, Act 5, Scent 1) to a game called "flap-dragon," in which the players snatched raisins from a dish of burning brandy and extinguished them in their mouths before eating them.
97. When re-arranged, the letters in "whiskey" spell "key wish," those in "spirits" spell "sip it sir," and those in "moonshine" spell "in no homes."
98. One brand of Chinese beer reportedly includes in its recipe "ground-up dog parts." Make mine gin and tonic!
99. In Bangladesh, $5 will buy a beer or a first-class train ticket for a cross-country trip.
100. One or two alcohol drinks a day can be anti-inflammatory. (Of course, always consult your physician for medical advice.)
101. The average number of grapes it takes to make a bottle of wine is 600.
102. Gin and tonic can help relieve cramps. (Be sure to consult your physician for medical advice.)
103. Move over, Mickey. Napa valley has replaced Disneyland as California's number one trourist destination, with 5.5 million visitors per year.
104. Paul Domenech, 34, was arrested for drunk driving, but was found innocent of the charge when he proved before a jury in Tampa, Florida, that the alcohol officers had smelled on his breath was from the mixture of rubbing alcohol and gasoline that he had just used in his performance as a professional fire-breather. Don't try using this excuse. Better yet, don't drink and drive.
105. The largest cork tree in the world is in Portugal. It averages over one ton of raw cork per harvest. That's enough to cork 100,000 bottles.
106. The Soviet Bolsheviks (communists) were strict drys and quickly imposed national prohibition following the Russian Revolution.
107. The pressure in a bottle of champagne is about 90 pounds per square inch. That's about three times the pressure in automobile tires.
108. The soil of one famous vineyard in France is considered so precious that vineyard workers are required to scrape it from their shoes before they leave for home each night.
109. Gin is a mild diuretic which helps the body get rid of excessive fluid. Thus, it can reduce problems such as menstrual bloating. (This isn't medical advice, which should always be obtained from one's physician.)
110. The Grinch That Drank Alcohol. Theodore Geisel (better known as Dr. Seus) was caught with alcohol in his room when he was a student at Dartmouth College and severely punished. Years later, the college awarded him an honorary doctorate.
111. Mothers Against Drunk Driving (MADD) claims credit for more than 2,300 drunk driving and other alcohol-related laws in the U.S.
112. Adolf Hitler was one of the world's best known teetotalers or abstainers from alcohol; his adversary , Sir Winston Churchill, was one of the world's best known heavy drinkers.
113. The favorite cocktails of several former Presidents are reported to include:- Gin and tonic (Gerald Ford)- Martini (Herbert Hoover)- Rum and coke (Richard Nixon)- Scotch or brandy (Franklin Roosevelt)- Bourbon (Harry Truman)
114. Abraham Lincoln’s 1833 liquor store license is on display in the Oscar Getz Museum of Whiskey History in Bardstown, Kentucky.
115. When breathalyzers (blood alcohol content estimators) were first introduced, the maximum legal blood alcohol concentration (BAC) was .15, or almost twice as high as the current standard of .08.
116. National Prohibition led to a boom in the cruise industry. By taking what were advertised as “cruises to nowhere,” people could legally consume alcohol as soon as the ship entered international waters where they would typically cruise in circles. The cruises quickly became known as “booze cruises.”
117. Early politicians required feedback from the public to determine what the people considered important. Since there were no telephones, TV's or radios, the politicians sent their assistants to local taverns, pubs, and bars. They were told to 'go sip some ale' and listen to people's conversations and political concerns.. Many assistants were dispatched at different times. 'You go sip here' and 'You go sip there.' The two words 'go sip' were eventually combined when referring to the local opinion and, thus we have the term 'gossip.'
118. During Prohibition, some sneaky entrepreneurs were importing the single malt whisky, Laphraoig, into the U.S. This whiskey from the Isle of Islay is very smoky, peaty, seaweedy and phenolic smelling due to the barley it’s made from being dried over peat fires before brewing and distilling and due to its being aged near the sea. One of the excise men at the port opened one of the bottles labelled 'Disinfectant Alcohol', took a smell and almost choked. When he could speak again he said, "No one could possibly drink this shit!"
The Value of a Drink:
- 'Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink, I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, 'It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.'
- Jack Handy
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
- 'I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.' - Frank Sinatra
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
- 'When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.' - Henny Youngman
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
'24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.' - Stephen Wright
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing. 'When we drink, we sometimes get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!' - Brian O'Rourke
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
- 'Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.' - Benjamin Franklin
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
- 'Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.' - Dave Barry
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
- To some it's a six-pack; to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can! - Dave Howell
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers.
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:
'Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.'
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Friday Funnies August 14 09
"Yesterday in Africa, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton lost her temper at a college student when he asked her a question about her husband's opinion on a certain issue. She got mad. I can understand why she got upset, because the question was, 'Who's hotter? Megan Fox or Eva Longoria?'" --Conan O'Brien
"No, both Clintons, all over the news. While Hillary's in Africa Bill Clinton's in Las Vegas celebrating his birthday, which begs the question why is Bill the one who woke up 10 feet from a goat?" --Conan O'Brien
"President Obama says he will not support a health-care plan where the government gets to decide whether to, quote, 'pull the plug on Grandma.' Apparently, Obama's plan calls for the much quicker pillow option." --Conan O'Brien
"Over the past week, congressmen have been holding town hall meetings across the country. They've been disrupted by angry protesters who are against Obama's new healthcare plan. And things could have gotten violent, but nobody could afford to get hurt. So, it was very peaceful protesting." --Jimmy Fallon
"President Obama met with the leaders of Mexico and Canada. Obama said he'd work with Mexico to solve the immigration problem, and he'd work with Canada to solve the Celine Dion problem." --Conan O'Brien
"No, earlier today, President Obama met with the Mexican president, Felipe Calderon, and they discussed the immigration problem. They met at the Mexican president's home, which, by the way, is now in Los Angeles." --Conan O'Brien
"Former President Clinton, of course, in the news a lot lately. Yesterday, former President Clinton gave a speech to a group from Haiti, and he urged them not to give up hope. Clinton said, 'Things can start to look bleak, and then, all of the sudden, you're on an airplane with two hot Asian chicks.'" --Conan O'Brien
"President Obama is in Guadalajara, Mexico, for his first North American Leaders Summit. Very exciting. After that, he's expected to hold his first Imodium AD Summit." --Jimmy Fallon
"During his weekly radio address, Obama said we've finally begun to put the brakes on this recession, which is good news. Unfortunately, the brakes were built by General Motors." --Jimmy Fallon
"And here's some optimistic news. Kim Jong-Il now says he wants to hold face-to-face talks with the United States. Now all North Korea needs is a big enough stepladder." --Jimmy Fallon
"Sarah Palin exposed the shocking truth about Obama's health care plan, saying that the America she knows is not one where her loved ones will 'have to stand in front of Obama's death panel so his bureaucrats can decide ... whether they are worthy of health care.' Bravo, Ms. Palin! That is the most powerful message you've written by throwing a handful of magnetic poetry against the fridge." --Stephen Colbert
"Newspapers around the country are calling former President Bill Clinton a hero for his role in extracting two female journalists from North Korea. As a result, today, Clinton asked to be named secretary of extracting Asian chicks." --Conan O'Brien
"Earlier today, Sonia Sotomayor was confirmed as the U.S. Supreme Court's first Hispanic justice. Or, as Lou Dobbs reported it, 'Yet another job gone south of the border.'" --Conan O'Brien
"This week the Toyota Corolla became the most traded-in car as part of the 'Cash for Clunkers' program. After hearing about it, the CEO of General Motors said, 'Oh my God, don't tell me Toyota makes even a better clunker than we do.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Sonia Sotomayor was just confirmed by the U.S. Senate for the Supreme Court. I'm not sure how this works. So, does she sit next to Randy or Simon Cowell? Either way, it's going to be a great season." --Jimmy Fallon
"The two female journalists held captive in North Korea are saying they were shocked to walk into a room and see Bill Clinton there. That's what they said. Then they said they were even more shocked to see him wearing nothing but a towel." --Conan O'Brien
"President Clinton flew all the way to North Korea, under the cover of night, to rescue two beautiful women from the clutches of an evil dictator. And what's amazing is that's the exact same alibi he used on Hillary last week." --Conan O'Brien
"The Pentagon's concerned that Facebook could pose a security risk to U.S. military personnel. Yeah, because apparently, there's no telling what al Qaeda could do if it knows what a soldier's five favorite romantic comedies are." --Conan O'Brien
"Last night, Former President Bill Clinton, under cover of darkness, parachuted into North Korea with a knife in his teeth and a skull on his chest to rescue journalists Laura Ling and Euna Lee. And it was a 13-hour flight home, during which, citing standard rescue protocol, Clinton gave both women mouth-to-mouth." --Jimmy Kimmel
Golf Poem
In My Hand I Hold A Ball,
White And Dimpled, Rather Small.
Oh, How Bland It Does Appear,
This Harmless Looking Little Sphere.
By Its Size I Could Not Guess,
The Awesome Strength It Does Possess.
But Since I Fell Beneath Its Spell,
I've Wandered Through The Fires Of Hell.
My Life Has Not Been Quite The Same,
Since I Chose To Play This Stupid Game.
It Rules My Mind For Hours On End,
A Fortune It Has Made Me Spend.
It Has Made Me Yell, Curse And Cry,
I Hate Myself And Want To Die.
It Promises A Thing Called Par,
If I Can Hit It Straight And Far.
To Master Such A Tiny Ball,
Should Not Be Very Hard At All.
But My Desires The Ball Refuses,
And Does Exactly As It Chooses.
It Hooks And Slices, Dribbles And Dies,
And Even Disappears Before My Eyes.
Often It Will Have A Whim,
To Hit A Tree Or Take A Swim.
With Miles Of Grass On Which To Land,
It Finds A Tiny Patch Of Sand.
Then Has Me Offering Up My Soul,
If Only It Would Find The Hole.
It's Made Me Whimper Like A Pup,
And Swear That I Will Give It Up.
And Take To Drink To Ease My Sorrow,
But The Ball Knows ... I'll Be Back Tomorrow.
Stand proud you noble swingers of clubs and losers of balls.... A recent study found the average golfer walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found golfers drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means, on average, golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon. Kind of makes you proud. Almost feel like a hybrid.
A Toronto motorcycle cop was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the cop kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch. Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable. Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily. Written in large black letters was the sentence: 'Get well soon ... from the nurse in the Jeep you pulled over last week on the Don Valley Parkway'.
LETS OFFEND EVERYONE
Redneck couple walking out of the divorce court, the wife is crying her heart out. Husband says ' Oh for fuck's sake stop crying, you're still my sister'
My ex-wife asked what reincarnation is. I explained, when you die you come back as something else. She said she wanted to come back as a pig. I said, 'You're not fucking listening'
I am going to watch my wedding video in reverse later. I love the part where she takes her ring off and walks down the isle backwards, gets in the car and fucks off.
Today a native was found nailed to a tree, stabbed six times and shot twice. Regina police said it's the worst case of suicide they had ever seen.
A car bomb was found outside Lakemba mosque today. Police have urged the public not to panic as they have managed to push it inside the mosque.
Dear Abby: I am a 13 year old girl from Kentucky and I am still a virgin. Are my brothers gay?
Woman goes into a shoe shop and sees a gorgeous pair of white stilettos. She asks what are they made of. The assistant said they were made from human skin and cost $1500.00 a pair. The woman said she could not afford that. The assistant said says 'Don't worry, we have them in black for $4.99.
Woman in labour, shouting and screaming as usual, 'get this out of me, give me drugs'. She turns to the boyfriend and says 'You did this to me you fucker'. He replied casually, 'If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your arse but you said, 'Fuck off it'll be too painful', Now who's laughing'
What's the Cuban National Anthem? Row, Row, Row Your Boat
Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A different bar
What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A speech impediment
What does it mean when the Post Office's flag is flying at half-mast? They're hiring
Why aren't there any Hispanics on Star Trek? Because they're not going to work in the future either.
What do you call a Mississippi farmer with a sheep under each arm? A pimp.
Why do Driver Education classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays? Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo? The southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with a recipe.
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say ‘Fuck!’? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell 'BINGO!'
What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytale begins, 'Once upon a time...' and a southern fairy tale begins, 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit.'!
Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team? Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump or swim are already in the United States
A Japanese girl was doing the 69 when she accidentally farted. She says to the guy, 'Oh me so sorry. You make front hole so happy that back hole blow you a kiss.'
Top Ten Montana Country Western Songs..
10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine
9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I've Woke Up With a Few
8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me
7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'
6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win
5. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here
4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him
3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger
2. She Gets Better Lookin' with Every BeerAnd the Number One Country & Western song is...
1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass All Day
Why we miss Rodney Dangerfield ........... because he said:
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!
Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.
A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home!
A hooker once told me she had a headache.
I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.
If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
I was making love to this girl and she started crying I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No, I hate myself now.'
I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off.
I knew a girl so ugly... they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.
My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'
My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.
I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.
My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.
My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex; she called me from Chicago last night.
MY FAVORITE:
My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with.
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. When she mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, he said, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?" "We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!" "Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?" "We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste." "Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it’s gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump." "We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope." "That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it." A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome. "It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job,and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!" "Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope." "Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me." "Oh really! What'd he say?" He said: "Where’d you get the shitty haircut?"
Today’s lame insults just can’t compare with some of these classics:
A Member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease." "That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."
"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." - Clarence Darrow
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain"
He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." – Oscar Wilde
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill.
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one." - Winston Churchill
"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating
"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." – Oscar Wilde
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx
Profound statements:
1. In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm and three or more is a congress. -- John Adams
2. If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed. -- Mark Twain
3. Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But then I repeat myself. -- Mark Twain
4. I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle. -- Winston Churchill
5. A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. -- George Bernard Shaw
6. A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money. -- G. Gordon Liddy
7. Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner. -- James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)
8. Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries, to rich people in poor countries. -- Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University
9. Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. -- P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian
10. Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavours to live at the expense of everybody else. -- Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850)11.
Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.-- Ronald Reagan(1986)
12. I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. -- Will Rogers
13. If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free! -- P.J. O'Rourke
14. In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other. -- Voltaire (1764)
15. Just because you do not take an interest in politics, doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you! -- Pericles (430 B.C.)
16. No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session. -- Mark Twain (1866)
17. Talk is cheap...except when Congress does it.-- Anonymous
18. The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other.-- Ronald Reagan
19. The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery. -- Winston Churchill
20. The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.-- Mark Twain
21. The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly, is to fill the world with fools. -- Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)
22. There is no distinctly native American criminal class ... except Congress. -- Mark Twain23. What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.-- Edward Langley, Artist (1928-1995)
24. A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.-- Thomas Jefferson
Oldie Goldie
Yossel the Hassid is in London on business. It's now one hour to Shabbos and he's all dressed up in his Shabbos clothes ready to go to a local shul. He takes the lift to the ground floor and walks towards the exit, as he reaches the reception area he sees a stunning British Airways hostess with blond hair and a face and figure you could die for. She has just checked in. As soon as she sees Yossel, she stops in her tracks and walks quickly over to him. "Hello," she says to him. "Hello to you too," he says."I have a confession to make," she says. "What is it?" he asks. "I have a sexual fantasy," she says. "Nu, so go on," he says. "I've always wanted to be with a Hassidic man. I want to run my hands up and down his white silk socks, run my hands over his tzitzis and my fingers through his beard, play with his peyess, eat kichel with him, poke my finger in his puppik, remove his gatkes, play with his petzel and then shtup. So I want you to join me now. I have a room upstairs just waiting for us. What do you say?" Yossel looks at her thoughtfully and says..... "So what's in it for me…?"
THINGS YOU DON'T HEAR ANYMORE:
Be sure to refill the ice trays, we're going to have company.
Watch for the postman, I want to get this letter to Willie in the mail today.
Quit slamming the screen door when you go out!
Be sure and pull the windows down when you leave, it looks like a shower is coming up.
Don't forget to wind the clock before you go to bed.
Wash your feet before you go to bed, you've been playing outside all day barefoot.
Why can't you remember to roll up your britches legs?
Getting them caught in the bicycle chain so many times is tearing them up.You’ve torn the knees out of that pair of pants so many times there is nothing left to put a patch on.
Don't you go outside with your school clothes on!
Go comb your hair; it looks like the rats have nested in it all night.
Be sure and pour the cream off the top of the milk when you open the new bottle.
Take that empty bottle to the store with you so you won't have to pay a deposit on another one.
Put a dish towel over the cake so the flies won't get on it.
Quit jumping on the floor! I have a cake in the oven and you are going to make it fall if you don't quit!
Let me know when the Fuller Brush man comes by, I need to get a few things from him.
You boys stay close by, the car may not start and I will need you to help push it off.
There's a dollar in my purse, get 5 gallons of gas when you go to town.
Open the back door and see if we can get a breeze through here, it is getting hot.
You can walk to the store; it won't hurt you to get some exercise.
Don't sit too close to the TV. It is hard on your eyes.
If you pull that stunt again, I am going to wear you out!
Don't lose that button; I'll sew it back on after awhile.
Wash under your neck before you come to the table, you have dirt and sweat all under there.
Get out from under the sewing machine; pumping it messes up the thread!
Be sure and fill the lamps this morning so we don't have to do that tonight in the dark.
Here, take this old magazine to the toilet with you when you go, we are almost out of paper out there.
Go out to the well and draw a bucket of water so I can wash dishes.
Don't turn the radio on now, I want the battery to be up when the Grand Ole Opry comes on
No! I don't have 10 cents for you to go to the show. Do you think money grows on trees?
Eat those turnips, they'll make you big and strong like your daddy.
That dog is NOT coming in this house! I don't care how cold it is out there, dogs don't stay in the house.
Sit still! I'm trying to get your hair cut straight and you keep moving and it is all messed up.
Hush your mouth! I don't want to hear words like that!
I'll wash your mouth out with soap!
It is time for your system to be cleaned out. I am going to give you a dose of castor oil tonight.
If you get a spanking in school and I find out about it, you'll get another one when you get home.
Quit crossing your eyes! They will get stuck that way!
Soak your foot in this pan of kerosene so that bad cut won't get infected.
When you take your driving test, don't forget to signal each turn: Left arm straight out the window for a left turn; left arm bent up at the elbow for a right turn; and straight down to the side of the door when you are going to stop.
It's: 'Yes Ma'am!' and 'No Ma'am!' to me, young man, and don't you forget it!
Bring back any Memories?
"No, both Clintons, all over the news. While Hillary's in Africa Bill Clinton's in Las Vegas celebrating his birthday, which begs the question why is Bill the one who woke up 10 feet from a goat?" --Conan O'Brien
"President Obama says he will not support a health-care plan where the government gets to decide whether to, quote, 'pull the plug on Grandma.' Apparently, Obama's plan calls for the much quicker pillow option." --Conan O'Brien
"Over the past week, congressmen have been holding town hall meetings across the country. They've been disrupted by angry protesters who are against Obama's new healthcare plan. And things could have gotten violent, but nobody could afford to get hurt. So, it was very peaceful protesting." --Jimmy Fallon
"President Obama met with the leaders of Mexico and Canada. Obama said he'd work with Mexico to solve the immigration problem, and he'd work with Canada to solve the Celine Dion problem." --Conan O'Brien
"No, earlier today, President Obama met with the Mexican president, Felipe Calderon, and they discussed the immigration problem. They met at the Mexican president's home, which, by the way, is now in Los Angeles." --Conan O'Brien
"Former President Clinton, of course, in the news a lot lately. Yesterday, former President Clinton gave a speech to a group from Haiti, and he urged them not to give up hope. Clinton said, 'Things can start to look bleak, and then, all of the sudden, you're on an airplane with two hot Asian chicks.'" --Conan O'Brien
"President Obama is in Guadalajara, Mexico, for his first North American Leaders Summit. Very exciting. After that, he's expected to hold his first Imodium AD Summit." --Jimmy Fallon
"During his weekly radio address, Obama said we've finally begun to put the brakes on this recession, which is good news. Unfortunately, the brakes were built by General Motors." --Jimmy Fallon
"And here's some optimistic news. Kim Jong-Il now says he wants to hold face-to-face talks with the United States. Now all North Korea needs is a big enough stepladder." --Jimmy Fallon
"Sarah Palin exposed the shocking truth about Obama's health care plan, saying that the America she knows is not one where her loved ones will 'have to stand in front of Obama's death panel so his bureaucrats can decide ... whether they are worthy of health care.' Bravo, Ms. Palin! That is the most powerful message you've written by throwing a handful of magnetic poetry against the fridge." --Stephen Colbert
"Newspapers around the country are calling former President Bill Clinton a hero for his role in extracting two female journalists from North Korea. As a result, today, Clinton asked to be named secretary of extracting Asian chicks." --Conan O'Brien
"Earlier today, Sonia Sotomayor was confirmed as the U.S. Supreme Court's first Hispanic justice. Or, as Lou Dobbs reported it, 'Yet another job gone south of the border.'" --Conan O'Brien
"This week the Toyota Corolla became the most traded-in car as part of the 'Cash for Clunkers' program. After hearing about it, the CEO of General Motors said, 'Oh my God, don't tell me Toyota makes even a better clunker than we do.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Sonia Sotomayor was just confirmed by the U.S. Senate for the Supreme Court. I'm not sure how this works. So, does she sit next to Randy or Simon Cowell? Either way, it's going to be a great season." --Jimmy Fallon
"The two female journalists held captive in North Korea are saying they were shocked to walk into a room and see Bill Clinton there. That's what they said. Then they said they were even more shocked to see him wearing nothing but a towel." --Conan O'Brien
"President Clinton flew all the way to North Korea, under the cover of night, to rescue two beautiful women from the clutches of an evil dictator. And what's amazing is that's the exact same alibi he used on Hillary last week." --Conan O'Brien
"The Pentagon's concerned that Facebook could pose a security risk to U.S. military personnel. Yeah, because apparently, there's no telling what al Qaeda could do if it knows what a soldier's five favorite romantic comedies are." --Conan O'Brien
"Last night, Former President Bill Clinton, under cover of darkness, parachuted into North Korea with a knife in his teeth and a skull on his chest to rescue journalists Laura Ling and Euna Lee. And it was a 13-hour flight home, during which, citing standard rescue protocol, Clinton gave both women mouth-to-mouth." --Jimmy Kimmel
Golf Poem
In My Hand I Hold A Ball,
White And Dimpled, Rather Small.
Oh, How Bland It Does Appear,
This Harmless Looking Little Sphere.
By Its Size I Could Not Guess,
The Awesome Strength It Does Possess.
But Since I Fell Beneath Its Spell,
I've Wandered Through The Fires Of Hell.
My Life Has Not Been Quite The Same,
Since I Chose To Play This Stupid Game.
It Rules My Mind For Hours On End,
A Fortune It Has Made Me Spend.
It Has Made Me Yell, Curse And Cry,
I Hate Myself And Want To Die.
It Promises A Thing Called Par,
If I Can Hit It Straight And Far.
To Master Such A Tiny Ball,
Should Not Be Very Hard At All.
But My Desires The Ball Refuses,
And Does Exactly As It Chooses.
It Hooks And Slices, Dribbles And Dies,
And Even Disappears Before My Eyes.
Often It Will Have A Whim,
To Hit A Tree Or Take A Swim.
With Miles Of Grass On Which To Land,
It Finds A Tiny Patch Of Sand.
Then Has Me Offering Up My Soul,
If Only It Would Find The Hole.
It's Made Me Whimper Like A Pup,
And Swear That I Will Give It Up.
And Take To Drink To Ease My Sorrow,
But The Ball Knows ... I'll Be Back Tomorrow.
Stand proud you noble swingers of clubs and losers of balls.... A recent study found the average golfer walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found golfers drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means, on average, golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon. Kind of makes you proud. Almost feel like a hybrid.
A Toronto motorcycle cop was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the cop kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch. Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable. Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily. Written in large black letters was the sentence: 'Get well soon ... from the nurse in the Jeep you pulled over last week on the Don Valley Parkway'.
LETS OFFEND EVERYONE
Redneck couple walking out of the divorce court, the wife is crying her heart out. Husband says ' Oh for fuck's sake stop crying, you're still my sister'
My ex-wife asked what reincarnation is. I explained, when you die you come back as something else. She said she wanted to come back as a pig. I said, 'You're not fucking listening'
I am going to watch my wedding video in reverse later. I love the part where she takes her ring off and walks down the isle backwards, gets in the car and fucks off.
Today a native was found nailed to a tree, stabbed six times and shot twice. Regina police said it's the worst case of suicide they had ever seen.
A car bomb was found outside Lakemba mosque today. Police have urged the public not to panic as they have managed to push it inside the mosque.
Dear Abby: I am a 13 year old girl from Kentucky and I am still a virgin. Are my brothers gay?
Woman goes into a shoe shop and sees a gorgeous pair of white stilettos. She asks what are they made of. The assistant said they were made from human skin and cost $1500.00 a pair. The woman said she could not afford that. The assistant said says 'Don't worry, we have them in black for $4.99.
Woman in labour, shouting and screaming as usual, 'get this out of me, give me drugs'. She turns to the boyfriend and says 'You did this to me you fucker'. He replied casually, 'If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your arse but you said, 'Fuck off it'll be too painful', Now who's laughing'
What's the Cuban National Anthem? Row, Row, Row Your Boat
Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A different bar
What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A speech impediment
What does it mean when the Post Office's flag is flying at half-mast? They're hiring
Why aren't there any Hispanics on Star Trek? Because they're not going to work in the future either.
What do you call a Mississippi farmer with a sheep under each arm? A pimp.
Why do Driver Education classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays? Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo? The southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with a recipe.
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say ‘Fuck!’? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell 'BINGO!'
What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytale begins, 'Once upon a time...' and a southern fairy tale begins, 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit.'!
Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team? Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump or swim are already in the United States
A Japanese girl was doing the 69 when she accidentally farted. She says to the guy, 'Oh me so sorry. You make front hole so happy that back hole blow you a kiss.'
Top Ten Montana Country Western Songs..
10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine
9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I've Woke Up With a Few
8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me
7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'
6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win
5. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here
4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him
3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger
2. She Gets Better Lookin' with Every BeerAnd the Number One Country & Western song is...
1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass All Day
Why we miss Rodney Dangerfield ........... because he said:
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!
Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.
A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home!
A hooker once told me she had a headache.
I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.
If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
I was making love to this girl and she started crying I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No, I hate myself now.'
I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off.
I knew a girl so ugly... they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.
My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'
My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.
I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.
My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.
My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex; she called me from Chicago last night.
MY FAVORITE:
My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with.
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. When she mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, he said, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?" "We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!" "Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?" "We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste." "Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it’s gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump." "We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope." "That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it." A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome. "It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job,and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!" "Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope." "Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me." "Oh really! What'd he say?" He said: "Where’d you get the shitty haircut?"
Today’s lame insults just can’t compare with some of these classics:
A Member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease." "That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."
"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." - Clarence Darrow
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain"
He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." – Oscar Wilde
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill.
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one." - Winston Churchill
"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating
"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." – Oscar Wilde
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx
Profound statements:
1. In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm and three or more is a congress. -- John Adams
2. If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed. -- Mark Twain
3. Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But then I repeat myself. -- Mark Twain
4. I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle. -- Winston Churchill
5. A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. -- George Bernard Shaw
6. A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money. -- G. Gordon Liddy
7. Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner. -- James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)
8. Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries, to rich people in poor countries. -- Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University
9. Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. -- P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian
10. Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavours to live at the expense of everybody else. -- Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850)11.
Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.-- Ronald Reagan(1986)
12. I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. -- Will Rogers
13. If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free! -- P.J. O'Rourke
14. In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other. -- Voltaire (1764)
15. Just because you do not take an interest in politics, doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you! -- Pericles (430 B.C.)
16. No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session. -- Mark Twain (1866)
17. Talk is cheap...except when Congress does it.-- Anonymous
18. The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other.-- Ronald Reagan
19. The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery. -- Winston Churchill
20. The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.-- Mark Twain
21. The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly, is to fill the world with fools. -- Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)
22. There is no distinctly native American criminal class ... except Congress. -- Mark Twain23. What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.-- Edward Langley, Artist (1928-1995)
24. A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.-- Thomas Jefferson
Oldie Goldie
Yossel the Hassid is in London on business. It's now one hour to Shabbos and he's all dressed up in his Shabbos clothes ready to go to a local shul. He takes the lift to the ground floor and walks towards the exit, as he reaches the reception area he sees a stunning British Airways hostess with blond hair and a face and figure you could die for. She has just checked in. As soon as she sees Yossel, she stops in her tracks and walks quickly over to him. "Hello," she says to him. "Hello to you too," he says."I have a confession to make," she says. "What is it?" he asks. "I have a sexual fantasy," she says. "Nu, so go on," he says. "I've always wanted to be with a Hassidic man. I want to run my hands up and down his white silk socks, run my hands over his tzitzis and my fingers through his beard, play with his peyess, eat kichel with him, poke my finger in his puppik, remove his gatkes, play with his petzel and then shtup. So I want you to join me now. I have a room upstairs just waiting for us. What do you say?" Yossel looks at her thoughtfully and says..... "So what's in it for me…?"
THINGS YOU DON'T HEAR ANYMORE:
Be sure to refill the ice trays, we're going to have company.
Watch for the postman, I want to get this letter to Willie in the mail today.
Quit slamming the screen door when you go out!
Be sure and pull the windows down when you leave, it looks like a shower is coming up.
Don't forget to wind the clock before you go to bed.
Wash your feet before you go to bed, you've been playing outside all day barefoot.
Why can't you remember to roll up your britches legs?
Getting them caught in the bicycle chain so many times is tearing them up.You’ve torn the knees out of that pair of pants so many times there is nothing left to put a patch on.
Don't you go outside with your school clothes on!
Go comb your hair; it looks like the rats have nested in it all night.
Be sure and pour the cream off the top of the milk when you open the new bottle.
Take that empty bottle to the store with you so you won't have to pay a deposit on another one.
Put a dish towel over the cake so the flies won't get on it.
Quit jumping on the floor! I have a cake in the oven and you are going to make it fall if you don't quit!
Let me know when the Fuller Brush man comes by, I need to get a few things from him.
You boys stay close by, the car may not start and I will need you to help push it off.
There's a dollar in my purse, get 5 gallons of gas when you go to town.
Open the back door and see if we can get a breeze through here, it is getting hot.
You can walk to the store; it won't hurt you to get some exercise.
Don't sit too close to the TV. It is hard on your eyes.
If you pull that stunt again, I am going to wear you out!
Don't lose that button; I'll sew it back on after awhile.
Wash under your neck before you come to the table, you have dirt and sweat all under there.
Get out from under the sewing machine; pumping it messes up the thread!
Be sure and fill the lamps this morning so we don't have to do that tonight in the dark.
Here, take this old magazine to the toilet with you when you go, we are almost out of paper out there.
Go out to the well and draw a bucket of water so I can wash dishes.
Don't turn the radio on now, I want the battery to be up when the Grand Ole Opry comes on
No! I don't have 10 cents for you to go to the show. Do you think money grows on trees?
Eat those turnips, they'll make you big and strong like your daddy.
That dog is NOT coming in this house! I don't care how cold it is out there, dogs don't stay in the house.
Sit still! I'm trying to get your hair cut straight and you keep moving and it is all messed up.
Hush your mouth! I don't want to hear words like that!
I'll wash your mouth out with soap!
It is time for your system to be cleaned out. I am going to give you a dose of castor oil tonight.
If you get a spanking in school and I find out about it, you'll get another one when you get home.
Quit crossing your eyes! They will get stuck that way!
Soak your foot in this pan of kerosene so that bad cut won't get infected.
When you take your driving test, don't forget to signal each turn: Left arm straight out the window for a left turn; left arm bent up at the elbow for a right turn; and straight down to the side of the door when you are going to stop.
It's: 'Yes Ma'am!' and 'No Ma'am!' to me, young man, and don't you forget it!
Bring back any Memories?
Friday Funnies August 7 09
From the Farmer’s Almanac:
Ever heard the expression “If life brings you lemons, make lemonade”? It so happens that this sour fruit has a long history of turning potential adversity into triumph!
• Romans prescribed lemons as a precaution against snakebites and as a moth repellent.
• In the 17th century, it was thought that lemon juice could mitigate the violent heat of fevers.
• Originally found in northern India, lemons were referred to as the “golden apple,” treasured by kings.Even today, lemon’s non-culinary uses are numerous:
• Lemon juice cleans piano keys and copper pots, brightens porcelain, absorbs odours, and removes lipstick and wine stains.
• Half a lemon, from which most of the juice has been squeezed, makes a fresh cleaning pad for faucets and sinks. Use it with a little salt as an abrasive.
• Equal parts lemon juice and beaten egg can be boiled briefly and scented with rose water to make a natural face lotion.
• Undiluted fresh lemon juice is just the thing to clean water spots and stains from your automobile chrome.
Of course making lemonade still works well, too!
"Today, former President Bill Clinton met with North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il and convinced him to release two American journalists that have been jailed since March. Isn't that great? This is big, yeah. Or as Clinton calls it, another Asian happy ending." --Conan O'Brien
"Bill Clinton got the two journalists released. This is fantastic news. And then afterwards, Clinton told the hostages, 'I, too, know what it's like to be held captive by an evil tyrant who wears ladies' sunglasses. I feel your pain.'" --Conan O'Brien
"It's President Obama's 48th birthday. The President has asked that in lieu of sending a gift, people just make a donation to his favorite charity, General Motors." --Conan
O'Brien"Yesterday, Senator John McCain announced he's going to vote against the confirmation of Sonia Sotomayor. However, McCain did say he thought she was great in 'West Side Story.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Meanwhile, former President Bill Clinton is on his way home from North Korea right now. He made a surprise visit to attempt to secure the release of two female American journalists -- two young, shapely, attractive female journalists who were imprisoned by North Korean police after they illegally crossed the border from China. The rumor is they made a deal. Kim Jong-Il gave the women a special pardon and in return he got 20 pairs of Hillary's pantsuits. So, a little something to spruce up his wardrobe." --Jimmy Kimmel
"I don't know what exactly Clinton said to North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il, but it worked, because they released them. And I have to say, it was nice to see Bill Clinton get a release he's not almost impeached for, for a change." --Jimmy Kimmel
"So that's pretty impressive. Clinton goes over there, frees the prisoners, and brings them back. I mean, that's like Rambo, you know. And by the way now -- plenty of time for the ladies to say thanks on the long plane ride home." --Jimmy Kimmel
"This is something. Because of the economy, the Postal Service is being forced to close several hundred post offices around the country. … The Postal Service is facing a $7 billion budget short fall this year. So in addition to closing the post offices, they're also raising the price of a first-class stamp. It will now be $4,000." --Jimmy Kimmel
"And it's a shame to see people out of work, but I have to admit I am looking forward to hearing postal workers complain how slow the lines are at the unemployment office. Right?" --Jimmy Kimmel
"Hey, congratulations to former President Bill Clinton. He traveled to North Korea today, met with Kim Jong-Il and won the release of those two female journalists. It was great for Obama to use Clinton that way. I think I know how he got him to go over there. You know, he's probably like, 'Bill, I need you to go to North Korea for me.' 'I can't do it. I'm completely booked. I have numerous obligations.' 'I want you to visit a woman's prison.' 'What time's my flight?'" --Jimmy Fallon
"First they had a beer at the White House. Well, now, Professor Gates and the cop who arrested him are planning to go to a Red Sox game. It's getting to be a bit much. Last night, they went to a piano bar and sang 'Ebony and Ivory.'" --Conan O'Brien
"President Obama just announced he's considering transferring prisoners from Guantanamo Bay to Michigan. The idea is to scare the prisoners into revealing information about terror plots by showing them a bus ticket to Detroit." --Conan O'Brien
"A very happy birthday to President Obama, who turns 48 tomorrow. As a special gift, Joe Biden is giving him 24 hours of complete silence." --Jimmy Fallon
"Hey, there was a rumor on the Internet this weekend that Sarah Palin was getting divorced. I knew that wasn't true, because when Sarah Palin takes an oath, she doesn't bail." --Jimmy Fallon
"Hey, at a concert in Washington, D.C., Paul McCartney dedicated the song 'Michelle' to Michelle Obama. And then, I thought this was sweet, he dedicated the song 'Taxman' to Barack." --Jimmy Fallon
"This weekend, Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin took a submarine to the bottom of Lake Baikal, the world's deepest lake. He got to see some rare exotic fish and his past political opponents." --Jimmy Fallon
"I know why you're happy today: racism is over, and we did it with beer. We did it with beer! See, this is the change we can believe in, that Obama was always talking about. Black Americans and white Americans coming together to get shitfaced. When you think about what could have been accomplished if they lit up a joint. Wow. ... If they had lit up a joint and then said, 'This incident is completely forgotten,' that would really have the ring of truth." --Bill Maher
"No, it was a great summit, the beer summit, and I think it's important to note what Sergeant Crowley said. He said, 'It's funny. The guys back at the station always joke how they wished they had a beer for every time a black man was arrested. And now it came true.'" --Bill Maher
"I don't think he's a racist. I don't. I think he's a cop. Seriously. But there was one little awkward moment when he arrived at the White House and got out of the car and he threw Obama the keys." --Bill Maher
" People were so fascinated about what beer they were drinking. Apparently Gates had Red Stripe. ... And Crowley had Blue Moon. And Obama, just to screw with the conservatives, had a forty of King Cobra. Now, this was awkward. He actually had a Bud Light. At one point, Obama said he had Bud. And the professor took out his pipe." --Bill Maher
"Only 42% of Republicans believe Obama was born in the United States. That's an amazing statistic. How come in America, Christians are the ones who won't take anything on faith?" --Bill Maher
"But a lot is sliding around him. But one program that is an unqualified success that's working, the Cash for Clunkers. Have you done this? Have you traded in your clunker? See, you can take your old gas-guzzling clunker to your GM dealer and trade it in for a new, gas-guzzling clunker. 250,000 people have already done this. ... For the first time in years, people in Kentucky can see their front yard." --Bill Maher
"Some people have misunderstood this concept of trading old for new. For example, today, South Carolina Governor Sanford tried to drop off his wife" --Bill Maher
"President Obama, Professor Gates, and Officer Crowley had their beer summit. And the big surprise was they were joined by Vice President Biden. That was the surprise, yeah. The highlight of the evening was when Officer Crowley told Biden, 'You have the right to remain silent.'" --Conan O'Brien
"This is nice, though, President Obama served Professor Gates and Officer Crowley beer and pretzels. Did you know that? Pretzels. Yeah, it's the first time pretzels have been served at the White House since the time one attacked President Bush. Remember that one?" --Conan O'Brien
"Conservatives are criticizing Time magazine because they put President Obama on the cover for the 12th time in the last year. Not only that, every week since Obama was elected, he's been on the cover of Black President Magazine." --Conan O'Brien
"This is true, though. This is Obama's 12th appearance on the cover of Time magazine. And this beats President Bush's record of 11 appearances on the cover of Mad magazine." --Conan O'Brien
"The schedule for next year's Iowa caucuses has been announced. And Jewish voters are upset because the caucus is being held on Saturday, which means they can't attend. This could reduce the number of voters in the Iowa caucus by almost two." --Conan O'Brien
"Last night -- I'm sure you heard -- President Obama had the Harvard professor and the police officer who arrested him over to the White House to talk, and more importantly, get stinking drunk together. Vice President Biden was there, too. This is interesting. Apparently, Joe Biden was upset that Obama had put his foot in the mouth by saying that the Cambridge police acted stupidly, because that's normally his thing." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Obama wants to make this a regular thing. He's already invited Ahmadinejad over for Appletinis." --Jimmy Fallon
"Yesterday, Vice President, Joe Biden held a series of closed door meetings. Not because they were secret. He just couldn't figure out how to open the door." --Jimmy Fallon
"President Obama said today that Congress probably won't vote on his health care bill until October. Yeah, what's the rush, Congress? Take your time. It's not like there's some crazy flu epidemic out there or anything like that. Swine!" --Jimmy Fallon
"Yesterday, Nancy Pelosi accused insurance companies of deliberately trying to kill the health care bill. Pelosi was so angry that she started arranging her face into a scowl." --Jimmy Fallon
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!
There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have JobsShe is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.'That's nice,' she thinks , 'but I want more.' So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!' But she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE: To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street. The first floor has wives that love sex. The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer. The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
Summer Classes for Women at THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED by Friday, August 21, 2009
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.
Class 1 Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat Step by Step, with Slide Presentation. Meets 4 wks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM.
Class 2 Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?Round Table Discussion. Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.
Class 3 Is It Possible To Drive Past a Marshall’s or Winners Without Stopping?--Group Debate. Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 4 Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics. Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.
Class 5 Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet? Examples on Video. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM
Class 6 How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program.Help Line Support and Support Groups. Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM
Class 7 Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos? Open Forum. Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.
Class 8 Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT! Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 9 I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials.Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.
Class 10 How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.Driving Simulations. 4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.
Class 11 Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield. Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined
Class 12 How to Shop by Yourself. Meets 4 wks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Class 13 How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering To Take a List To The Store, Avoiding Separate Trips for Each Item Needed. Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered. Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours...
Class 14 The Stove/Oven--What It Is and How It Is Used.Live Demonstration. Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined. Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.
Registration is closing....Space is limited - act NOW!
Two old guys were chatting on a park bench. One said, "My 85th birthday was yesterday so the wife gave me an SUV". The other guy says, "Wow, that's amazing! Imagine, an SUV! What a great gift!"First guy says, "Yup. Socks, Underwear and Viagra!"
Tombstone Humour:
- Here rests Pancrazio Juvenales 1968-1993 He was a good husband, a wonderful father but a bad electrician.
- Gustava Gutierrez Guzman 1934-1989 Rest in Peace. A memory from all your sons (except Ricardo who did not pay any money)
- Here is resting my dearest wife Brunjilda Jalamonte 1973-1997 Lord, please welcome her with the same joy I send her to you
- Tomas Jimoteo Chinchilla 1967-1989 Rest in peace. Now you are in the Lord’s arms. Lord, watch your wallet
A man is walking in a graveyard when he hears the Third Symphony played backward. When it's over, the Second Symphony starts playing, also backward, and then the First. "What's going on?" he asks a cemetery worker. "It's Beethoven," says the worker. "He's decomposing."
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who's best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: "When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion." "I found a bear by the stream," says the minister, "and preached God's holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him." They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. "Looking back," he says, "maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision."
A poodle and a collie are walking together when the poodle suddenly unloads on his friend. "My life is a mess," he says. "My owner is mean, my girlfriend ran away with a schnauzer, and I'm as jittery as a cat." "Why don't you go see a psychiatrist?" suggests the collie. "I can't," says the poodle. "I'm not allowed on the couch."
When the usher noticed a man stretched across three seats in the movie theatre, he walked over and whispered, "Sorry, sir, but you are allowed only one seat." The man moaned but didn't budge. "Sir, If you don't move, I'll have to call the manager!" said the usher more loudly. The man moaned again but stayed where he was. The usher left and returned with the manager, who, after several attempts at dislodging the fellow, called the police. The cop looked at the reclining man and said. "All right, what's your name, joker?" "Joe," he mumbled. "And where are you from, Joe?" "The balcony."
A woman walked up to the manager of a department store. "Are you hiring any help?" she asked."No," he said. "We already have all the staff we need." "Then would you mind getting someone to wait on me?" she asked.
A banker approaches the Pearly Gates sweating and struggling with a heavy suitcase. Saint Peter greets him and says, "Set the suitcase down and come in." "No way!" barks the banker. "I have to bring it in." "What could possibly be in there that's so important?" asks Peter. The banker opens the suitcase to reveal 50 gold bricks. Peter's jaw drops: "You brought pavement?"
The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing somebody's cast.
My ex-wife was deaf. She left me for a deaf friend. To be honest, I should have seen the signs.
I was going through my couch looking for stuff the other day, and I scored huge. I found a bed!
"What's a couple?" I asked my mother. She said, "Two or three." Which probably explains why her marriage collapsed.
An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, ‘Seven Points.' His wife rolls over and says, ‘What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'Its fart football.' A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says ‘Touchdown, tie score.' After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.' Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.' Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got and accidentally shits the bed. The wife says, 'What the hell was that?' The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides.
Has losing all that green in the stock market left you blue? Try these anxiety medications for coping with economic gloom.
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A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership and past the Tim Horton's. Taking off down the Trans Canada, he floored it to 120 kph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the highway, pushing the pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the RCMP behind him, red and blue lights flashing and siren blaring. "I can get away from him, no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 130 kph, then 140, then 150 kph. Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!" He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the Mountie to catch up with him. Pulling in behind him, the officer walked up to the driver's sideof the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The man, looking very seriously at the Mountie, said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with an RCMP officer. I thought you were bringing her back. "Have a good day, Sir," said the Mountie.
These are actual comments made by 16 Police Officers taken from car videos around the country:
16 'You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through.'
15 'Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while.'
14 'If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document.'
13 'If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.'
12 'Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you.'
11 'You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?'
10 'Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?'
9 'Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket. '
8 'The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?'
7 'Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.'
6 'Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.'
5 'In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.'
4 'How big were those 'two beers' you say you had?'
3 'No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can.'
2 'I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.'
AND THE WINNER IS....
1 'You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here.'
Some Jewish humour:
It's flu season and bitterly cold outside the Shul. Inside, Rabbi Bloom is getting fed up with the constant coughing that's disturbing his sermon. So after the service ends, he goes over to old Hyman the usher and tells him that he needs his help to solve the problem. Rabbi Bloom tells Hyman to havea large bowl of cough drops ready in Shul for his next sermon, and instructs him to give one cough drop to any congregant who begins coughing. So next shabbes, during the rabbi's sermon and following orders, every time a member coughs Hyman walks over and hands out a cough drop. Rabbi Bloom watches this out of the corner of his eye and notices that each time Hyman does this the member immediately gets up and walks out of the Shul. At the end of the service, half the members are gone, so Rabbi Bloom goes over to Hyman and asks : "Nu, Hyman? So what did you say to the members that made them leave the Shul?" Hyman replies, "So vat did I said? All I said wuz, 'The Rabbi said "Fa cough"!'.
A woman goes to her rabbi with a serious problem. Her two female parrots have picked up a bad habit. Any time she has visitors, the two parrots embarrass her by saying, in unison, "Hi! We're hookers. Want to have some fun?" To her surprise, the rabbi breaks into a smile, explaining that he has two male parrots which he has trained to pray and who've become very observant,
spending much of the day praying in their cage. He's confident that if the woman brings her two parrots over to his house, his two parrots will exert such a positive influence that her birds will turn into model parrots. The next day the woman drives over to the rabbi's house and brings her two parrots into his home. As she looks around, she notices a large cage with two parrots, each wearing a little kippah and tiny tallis (prayer shawl) and each holding a miniature prayer book while they rock back and forth in prayer. Sure enough, as soon as she places her female parrots in the cage, they shout out to their male counterparts: "Hi! We're hookers. Want to have some fun?" One of the rabbi's parrots immediately turns to the other, squawking: "Moishe, put the fucking book down. Our prayers have been answered!"
One very windy day, a rabbi was on his way to the temple. Suddenly a strong gust of wind blew his streimel (fur hat) off his head. The rabbi ran after his hat but the wind was so strong it kept blowing his hat farther and farther away. He just couldn't catch up with it. A young gentile man, witnessing this event and being more fit than the rabbi, ran after the hat and caught it. The young gentile man handed the hat over to the rabbi. The rabbi was so pleased and grateful that he gave the man twenty dollars, put his hand on the man's head and blessed him. The young man was very excited about both the tip and the blessing. The young gentile decided to take his new found wealth to the racetrack. He bet the entire $20 on the first race that he could. After the races the young man returned home and recounted his very exciting day at the races to his father. 'I arrived at the fifthrace,' said the young man. 'I looked at the racing program and saw a horse by the name of ' Top Hat' was running. The odds on this horse were 100 to 1. It was the longest shot in the field.' After saving the rabbi's hat, having received the rabbi's blessing, gotten the $20, and seeing ' Top Hat' in the fifth race, I thought this was a message from God. So, I bet the entire 20 dollars on Top Hat.' 'An amazing thing happened. The horse that was the longest shot and who did not have the slightest chance to even show, came in first by 5 lengths.' 'You must have made a fortune,' said the father. Well yes, $2000. But wait, it gets better,' replied the son. 'In the following race, I looked at the program. A horse by the name of 'Stetson' was running. The odds on the horse were 30 to 1'. Stetson being some kind of hat and again thinking of the rabbi's blessing and his hat, I decided to bet all my winnings on this horse.' 'What happened?' asked the excited father. 'Stetson came in like a rocket. Now I had $60,000!' 'Are you telling me you brought home all this money?' asked his excited father. 'No,' said the son. 'I lost it all on the next race. There was a horse in this race named 'Chateau.' So I decided to bet all the money on it because the horse was the heavy favorite and the name also means hat inFrench. But the horse broke down and came in last.' 'Hat in French is 'Chapeau' not 'Chateau' you moron,' said the father. 'You lost all of the money because of your ignorance. Tell me, what horse won the race? It was a long shot from Japan named 'Yarmalka' answered the son.
Jewish Philosophy 101
Albert Einstein
- Any intelligent fool can make things bigger and more complex. It takes a touch of genius - and a lot of courage to move in the opposite direction.
- Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving.
- Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.
- Imagination is more important than knowledge.
- We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them.
Golda Meir
- Pessimism is a luxury that a Jew can never allow himself.
- (to Henry Kissinger) "Don't be so humble - you are not that great."
Yiddish Proverbs
- If the rich could hire other people to die for them, the poor could make a wonderful living.
- The wise man, even when he holds his tongue, says more than the fool when he speaks.
- What you don't see with your eyes, don't invent with your mouth.
- A hero is someone who can keep his mouth shut when he is right.
- One old friend is better than two new ones.
- A wise man hears one word and understands two.
- You can't control the wind, but you can adjust your sails.
- One of life's greatest mysteries is how the boy who wasn't good enough to marry your daughter can be the father of the smartest grandchild in the world.
Sayings of the Jewish Buddhist
- If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?
- Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated?
- Drink tea and nourish life; with the first sip, joy; with the second sip, satisfaction; with the third sip, peace; with the fourth, a Danish.
- Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage is another story.
- Accept misfortune as a blessing. Do not wish for perfect health, or a life without problems. What would you talk about?
- The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single Oy.
- There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never visited. And whose fault was that?
- Zen is not easy. It takes effort to attain nothingness. And then what do you have? Bupkis.
- The Tao does not speak. The Tao does not blame. The Tao does not take sides. The Tao has no expectations. The Tao demands nothing of others. The Tao is not Jewish.
- Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Forget this and attaining Enlightenment will be the least of your problems.
- Let your mind be as a floating cloud. Let your stillness be as a wooded glen. And sit up straight. You'll never meet the Buddha with such rounded shoulders.
- Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers. Each flower blossoms ten thousand times. Each blossom has ten thousand petals. You might want to see a specialist.
- Be aware of your body. Be aware of your perceptions. Keep in mind that not every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.
- The Torah says, Love your neighbour as yourself. The Buddha says, There is no self. So, maybe we're off the hook.
Ever heard the expression “If life brings you lemons, make lemonade”? It so happens that this sour fruit has a long history of turning potential adversity into triumph!
• Romans prescribed lemons as a precaution against snakebites and as a moth repellent.
• In the 17th century, it was thought that lemon juice could mitigate the violent heat of fevers.
• Originally found in northern India, lemons were referred to as the “golden apple,” treasured by kings.Even today, lemon’s non-culinary uses are numerous:
• Lemon juice cleans piano keys and copper pots, brightens porcelain, absorbs odours, and removes lipstick and wine stains.
• Half a lemon, from which most of the juice has been squeezed, makes a fresh cleaning pad for faucets and sinks. Use it with a little salt as an abrasive.
• Equal parts lemon juice and beaten egg can be boiled briefly and scented with rose water to make a natural face lotion.
• Undiluted fresh lemon juice is just the thing to clean water spots and stains from your automobile chrome.
Of course making lemonade still works well, too!
"Today, former President Bill Clinton met with North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il and convinced him to release two American journalists that have been jailed since March. Isn't that great? This is big, yeah. Or as Clinton calls it, another Asian happy ending." --Conan O'Brien
"Bill Clinton got the two journalists released. This is fantastic news. And then afterwards, Clinton told the hostages, 'I, too, know what it's like to be held captive by an evil tyrant who wears ladies' sunglasses. I feel your pain.'" --Conan O'Brien
"It's President Obama's 48th birthday. The President has asked that in lieu of sending a gift, people just make a donation to his favorite charity, General Motors." --Conan
O'Brien"Yesterday, Senator John McCain announced he's going to vote against the confirmation of Sonia Sotomayor. However, McCain did say he thought she was great in 'West Side Story.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Meanwhile, former President Bill Clinton is on his way home from North Korea right now. He made a surprise visit to attempt to secure the release of two female American journalists -- two young, shapely, attractive female journalists who were imprisoned by North Korean police after they illegally crossed the border from China. The rumor is they made a deal. Kim Jong-Il gave the women a special pardon and in return he got 20 pairs of Hillary's pantsuits. So, a little something to spruce up his wardrobe." --Jimmy Kimmel
"I don't know what exactly Clinton said to North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il, but it worked, because they released them. And I have to say, it was nice to see Bill Clinton get a release he's not almost impeached for, for a change." --Jimmy Kimmel
"So that's pretty impressive. Clinton goes over there, frees the prisoners, and brings them back. I mean, that's like Rambo, you know. And by the way now -- plenty of time for the ladies to say thanks on the long plane ride home." --Jimmy Kimmel
"This is something. Because of the economy, the Postal Service is being forced to close several hundred post offices around the country. … The Postal Service is facing a $7 billion budget short fall this year. So in addition to closing the post offices, they're also raising the price of a first-class stamp. It will now be $4,000." --Jimmy Kimmel
"And it's a shame to see people out of work, but I have to admit I am looking forward to hearing postal workers complain how slow the lines are at the unemployment office. Right?" --Jimmy Kimmel
"Hey, congratulations to former President Bill Clinton. He traveled to North Korea today, met with Kim Jong-Il and won the release of those two female journalists. It was great for Obama to use Clinton that way. I think I know how he got him to go over there. You know, he's probably like, 'Bill, I need you to go to North Korea for me.' 'I can't do it. I'm completely booked. I have numerous obligations.' 'I want you to visit a woman's prison.' 'What time's my flight?'" --Jimmy Fallon
"First they had a beer at the White House. Well, now, Professor Gates and the cop who arrested him are planning to go to a Red Sox game. It's getting to be a bit much. Last night, they went to a piano bar and sang 'Ebony and Ivory.'" --Conan O'Brien
"President Obama just announced he's considering transferring prisoners from Guantanamo Bay to Michigan. The idea is to scare the prisoners into revealing information about terror plots by showing them a bus ticket to Detroit." --Conan O'Brien
"A very happy birthday to President Obama, who turns 48 tomorrow. As a special gift, Joe Biden is giving him 24 hours of complete silence." --Jimmy Fallon
"Hey, there was a rumor on the Internet this weekend that Sarah Palin was getting divorced. I knew that wasn't true, because when Sarah Palin takes an oath, she doesn't bail." --Jimmy Fallon
"Hey, at a concert in Washington, D.C., Paul McCartney dedicated the song 'Michelle' to Michelle Obama. And then, I thought this was sweet, he dedicated the song 'Taxman' to Barack." --Jimmy Fallon
"This weekend, Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin took a submarine to the bottom of Lake Baikal, the world's deepest lake. He got to see some rare exotic fish and his past political opponents." --Jimmy Fallon
"I know why you're happy today: racism is over, and we did it with beer. We did it with beer! See, this is the change we can believe in, that Obama was always talking about. Black Americans and white Americans coming together to get shitfaced. When you think about what could have been accomplished if they lit up a joint. Wow. ... If they had lit up a joint and then said, 'This incident is completely forgotten,' that would really have the ring of truth." --Bill Maher
"No, it was a great summit, the beer summit, and I think it's important to note what Sergeant Crowley said. He said, 'It's funny. The guys back at the station always joke how they wished they had a beer for every time a black man was arrested. And now it came true.'" --Bill Maher
"I don't think he's a racist. I don't. I think he's a cop. Seriously. But there was one little awkward moment when he arrived at the White House and got out of the car and he threw Obama the keys." --Bill Maher
" People were so fascinated about what beer they were drinking. Apparently Gates had Red Stripe. ... And Crowley had Blue Moon. And Obama, just to screw with the conservatives, had a forty of King Cobra. Now, this was awkward. He actually had a Bud Light. At one point, Obama said he had Bud. And the professor took out his pipe." --Bill Maher
"Only 42% of Republicans believe Obama was born in the United States. That's an amazing statistic. How come in America, Christians are the ones who won't take anything on faith?" --Bill Maher
"But a lot is sliding around him. But one program that is an unqualified success that's working, the Cash for Clunkers. Have you done this? Have you traded in your clunker? See, you can take your old gas-guzzling clunker to your GM dealer and trade it in for a new, gas-guzzling clunker. 250,000 people have already done this. ... For the first time in years, people in Kentucky can see their front yard." --Bill Maher
"Some people have misunderstood this concept of trading old for new. For example, today, South Carolina Governor Sanford tried to drop off his wife" --Bill Maher
"President Obama, Professor Gates, and Officer Crowley had their beer summit. And the big surprise was they were joined by Vice President Biden. That was the surprise, yeah. The highlight of the evening was when Officer Crowley told Biden, 'You have the right to remain silent.'" --Conan O'Brien
"This is nice, though, President Obama served Professor Gates and Officer Crowley beer and pretzels. Did you know that? Pretzels. Yeah, it's the first time pretzels have been served at the White House since the time one attacked President Bush. Remember that one?" --Conan O'Brien
"Conservatives are criticizing Time magazine because they put President Obama on the cover for the 12th time in the last year. Not only that, every week since Obama was elected, he's been on the cover of Black President Magazine." --Conan O'Brien
"This is true, though. This is Obama's 12th appearance on the cover of Time magazine. And this beats President Bush's record of 11 appearances on the cover of Mad magazine." --Conan O'Brien
"The schedule for next year's Iowa caucuses has been announced. And Jewish voters are upset because the caucus is being held on Saturday, which means they can't attend. This could reduce the number of voters in the Iowa caucus by almost two." --Conan O'Brien
"Last night -- I'm sure you heard -- President Obama had the Harvard professor and the police officer who arrested him over to the White House to talk, and more importantly, get stinking drunk together. Vice President Biden was there, too. This is interesting. Apparently, Joe Biden was upset that Obama had put his foot in the mouth by saying that the Cambridge police acted stupidly, because that's normally his thing." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Obama wants to make this a regular thing. He's already invited Ahmadinejad over for Appletinis." --Jimmy Fallon
"Yesterday, Vice President, Joe Biden held a series of closed door meetings. Not because they were secret. He just couldn't figure out how to open the door." --Jimmy Fallon
"President Obama said today that Congress probably won't vote on his health care bill until October. Yeah, what's the rush, Congress? Take your time. It's not like there's some crazy flu epidemic out there or anything like that. Swine!" --Jimmy Fallon
"Yesterday, Nancy Pelosi accused insurance companies of deliberately trying to kill the health care bill. Pelosi was so angry that she started arranging her face into a scowl." --Jimmy Fallon
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!
There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have JobsShe is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.'That's nice,' she thinks , 'but I want more.' So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!' But she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE: To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street. The first floor has wives that love sex. The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer. The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
Summer Classes for Women at THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED by Friday, August 21, 2009
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.
Class 1 Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat Step by Step, with Slide Presentation. Meets 4 wks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM.
Class 2 Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?Round Table Discussion. Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.
Class 3 Is It Possible To Drive Past a Marshall’s or Winners Without Stopping?--Group Debate. Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 4 Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics. Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.
Class 5 Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet? Examples on Video. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM
Class 6 How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program.Help Line Support and Support Groups. Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM
Class 7 Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos? Open Forum. Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.
Class 8 Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT! Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 9 I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials.Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.
Class 10 How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.Driving Simulations. 4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.
Class 11 Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield. Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined
Class 12 How to Shop by Yourself. Meets 4 wks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Class 13 How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering To Take a List To The Store, Avoiding Separate Trips for Each Item Needed. Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered. Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours...
Class 14 The Stove/Oven--What It Is and How It Is Used.Live Demonstration. Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined. Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.
Registration is closing....Space is limited - act NOW!
Two old guys were chatting on a park bench. One said, "My 85th birthday was yesterday so the wife gave me an SUV". The other guy says, "Wow, that's amazing! Imagine, an SUV! What a great gift!"First guy says, "Yup. Socks, Underwear and Viagra!"
Tombstone Humour:
- Here rests Pancrazio Juvenales 1968-1993 He was a good husband, a wonderful father but a bad electrician.
- Gustava Gutierrez Guzman 1934-1989 Rest in Peace. A memory from all your sons (except Ricardo who did not pay any money)
- Here is resting my dearest wife Brunjilda Jalamonte 1973-1997 Lord, please welcome her with the same joy I send her to you
- Tomas Jimoteo Chinchilla 1967-1989 Rest in peace. Now you are in the Lord’s arms. Lord, watch your wallet
A man is walking in a graveyard when he hears the Third Symphony played backward. When it's over, the Second Symphony starts playing, also backward, and then the First. "What's going on?" he asks a cemetery worker. "It's Beethoven," says the worker. "He's decomposing."
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who's best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: "When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion." "I found a bear by the stream," says the minister, "and preached God's holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him." They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. "Looking back," he says, "maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision."
A poodle and a collie are walking together when the poodle suddenly unloads on his friend. "My life is a mess," he says. "My owner is mean, my girlfriend ran away with a schnauzer, and I'm as jittery as a cat." "Why don't you go see a psychiatrist?" suggests the collie. "I can't," says the poodle. "I'm not allowed on the couch."
When the usher noticed a man stretched across three seats in the movie theatre, he walked over and whispered, "Sorry, sir, but you are allowed only one seat." The man moaned but didn't budge. "Sir, If you don't move, I'll have to call the manager!" said the usher more loudly. The man moaned again but stayed where he was. The usher left and returned with the manager, who, after several attempts at dislodging the fellow, called the police. The cop looked at the reclining man and said. "All right, what's your name, joker?" "Joe," he mumbled. "And where are you from, Joe?" "The balcony."
A woman walked up to the manager of a department store. "Are you hiring any help?" she asked."No," he said. "We already have all the staff we need." "Then would you mind getting someone to wait on me?" she asked.
A banker approaches the Pearly Gates sweating and struggling with a heavy suitcase. Saint Peter greets him and says, "Set the suitcase down and come in." "No way!" barks the banker. "I have to bring it in." "What could possibly be in there that's so important?" asks Peter. The banker opens the suitcase to reveal 50 gold bricks. Peter's jaw drops: "You brought pavement?"
The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing somebody's cast.
My ex-wife was deaf. She left me for a deaf friend. To be honest, I should have seen the signs.
I was going through my couch looking for stuff the other day, and I scored huge. I found a bed!
"What's a couple?" I asked my mother. She said, "Two or three." Which probably explains why her marriage collapsed.
An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, ‘Seven Points.' His wife rolls over and says, ‘What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'Its fart football.' A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says ‘Touchdown, tie score.' After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.' Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.' Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got and accidentally shits the bed. The wife says, 'What the hell was that?' The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides.
Has losing all that green in the stock market left you blue? Try these anxiety medications for coping with economic gloom.
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A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership and past the Tim Horton's. Taking off down the Trans Canada, he floored it to 120 kph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the highway, pushing the pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the RCMP behind him, red and blue lights flashing and siren blaring. "I can get away from him, no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 130 kph, then 140, then 150 kph. Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!" He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the Mountie to catch up with him. Pulling in behind him, the officer walked up to the driver's sideof the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The man, looking very seriously at the Mountie, said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with an RCMP officer. I thought you were bringing her back. "Have a good day, Sir," said the Mountie.
These are actual comments made by 16 Police Officers taken from car videos around the country:
16 'You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through.'
15 'Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while.'
14 'If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document.'
13 'If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.'
12 'Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you.'
11 'You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?'
10 'Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?'
9 'Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket. '
8 'The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?'
7 'Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.'
6 'Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.'
5 'In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.'
4 'How big were those 'two beers' you say you had?'
3 'No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can.'
2 'I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.'
AND THE WINNER IS....
1 'You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here.'
Some Jewish humour:
It's flu season and bitterly cold outside the Shul. Inside, Rabbi Bloom is getting fed up with the constant coughing that's disturbing his sermon. So after the service ends, he goes over to old Hyman the usher and tells him that he needs his help to solve the problem. Rabbi Bloom tells Hyman to havea large bowl of cough drops ready in Shul for his next sermon, and instructs him to give one cough drop to any congregant who begins coughing. So next shabbes, during the rabbi's sermon and following orders, every time a member coughs Hyman walks over and hands out a cough drop. Rabbi Bloom watches this out of the corner of his eye and notices that each time Hyman does this the member immediately gets up and walks out of the Shul. At the end of the service, half the members are gone, so Rabbi Bloom goes over to Hyman and asks : "Nu, Hyman? So what did you say to the members that made them leave the Shul?" Hyman replies, "So vat did I said? All I said wuz, 'The Rabbi said "Fa cough"!'.
A woman goes to her rabbi with a serious problem. Her two female parrots have picked up a bad habit. Any time she has visitors, the two parrots embarrass her by saying, in unison, "Hi! We're hookers. Want to have some fun?" To her surprise, the rabbi breaks into a smile, explaining that he has two male parrots which he has trained to pray and who've become very observant,
spending much of the day praying in their cage. He's confident that if the woman brings her two parrots over to his house, his two parrots will exert such a positive influence that her birds will turn into model parrots. The next day the woman drives over to the rabbi's house and brings her two parrots into his home. As she looks around, she notices a large cage with two parrots, each wearing a little kippah and tiny tallis (prayer shawl) and each holding a miniature prayer book while they rock back and forth in prayer. Sure enough, as soon as she places her female parrots in the cage, they shout out to their male counterparts: "Hi! We're hookers. Want to have some fun?" One of the rabbi's parrots immediately turns to the other, squawking: "Moishe, put the fucking book down. Our prayers have been answered!"
One very windy day, a rabbi was on his way to the temple. Suddenly a strong gust of wind blew his streimel (fur hat) off his head. The rabbi ran after his hat but the wind was so strong it kept blowing his hat farther and farther away. He just couldn't catch up with it. A young gentile man, witnessing this event and being more fit than the rabbi, ran after the hat and caught it. The young gentile man handed the hat over to the rabbi. The rabbi was so pleased and grateful that he gave the man twenty dollars, put his hand on the man's head and blessed him. The young man was very excited about both the tip and the blessing. The young gentile decided to take his new found wealth to the racetrack. He bet the entire $20 on the first race that he could. After the races the young man returned home and recounted his very exciting day at the races to his father. 'I arrived at the fifthrace,' said the young man. 'I looked at the racing program and saw a horse by the name of ' Top Hat' was running. The odds on this horse were 100 to 1. It was the longest shot in the field.' After saving the rabbi's hat, having received the rabbi's blessing, gotten the $20, and seeing ' Top Hat' in the fifth race, I thought this was a message from God. So, I bet the entire 20 dollars on Top Hat.' 'An amazing thing happened. The horse that was the longest shot and who did not have the slightest chance to even show, came in first by 5 lengths.' 'You must have made a fortune,' said the father. Well yes, $2000. But wait, it gets better,' replied the son. 'In the following race, I looked at the program. A horse by the name of 'Stetson' was running. The odds on the horse were 30 to 1'. Stetson being some kind of hat and again thinking of the rabbi's blessing and his hat, I decided to bet all my winnings on this horse.' 'What happened?' asked the excited father. 'Stetson came in like a rocket. Now I had $60,000!' 'Are you telling me you brought home all this money?' asked his excited father. 'No,' said the son. 'I lost it all on the next race. There was a horse in this race named 'Chateau.' So I decided to bet all the money on it because the horse was the heavy favorite and the name also means hat inFrench. But the horse broke down and came in last.' 'Hat in French is 'Chapeau' not 'Chateau' you moron,' said the father. 'You lost all of the money because of your ignorance. Tell me, what horse won the race? It was a long shot from Japan named 'Yarmalka' answered the son.
Jewish Philosophy 101
Albert Einstein
- Any intelligent fool can make things bigger and more complex. It takes a touch of genius - and a lot of courage to move in the opposite direction.
- Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving.
- Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.
- Imagination is more important than knowledge.
- We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them.
Golda Meir
- Pessimism is a luxury that a Jew can never allow himself.
- (to Henry Kissinger) "Don't be so humble - you are not that great."
Yiddish Proverbs
- If the rich could hire other people to die for them, the poor could make a wonderful living.
- The wise man, even when he holds his tongue, says more than the fool when he speaks.
- What you don't see with your eyes, don't invent with your mouth.
- A hero is someone who can keep his mouth shut when he is right.
- One old friend is better than two new ones.
- A wise man hears one word and understands two.
- You can't control the wind, but you can adjust your sails.
- One of life's greatest mysteries is how the boy who wasn't good enough to marry your daughter can be the father of the smartest grandchild in the world.
Sayings of the Jewish Buddhist
- If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?
- Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated?
- Drink tea and nourish life; with the first sip, joy; with the second sip, satisfaction; with the third sip, peace; with the fourth, a Danish.
- Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage is another story.
- Accept misfortune as a blessing. Do not wish for perfect health, or a life without problems. What would you talk about?
- The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single Oy.
- There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never visited. And whose fault was that?
- Zen is not easy. It takes effort to attain nothingness. And then what do you have? Bupkis.
- The Tao does not speak. The Tao does not blame. The Tao does not take sides. The Tao has no expectations. The Tao demands nothing of others. The Tao is not Jewish.
- Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Forget this and attaining Enlightenment will be the least of your problems.
- Let your mind be as a floating cloud. Let your stillness be as a wooded glen. And sit up straight. You'll never meet the Buddha with such rounded shoulders.
- Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers. Each flower blossoms ten thousand times. Each blossom has ten thousand petals. You might want to see a specialist.
- Be aware of your body. Be aware of your perceptions. Keep in mind that not every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.
- The Torah says, Love your neighbour as yourself. The Buddha says, There is no self. So, maybe we're off the hook.
Friday Funnies July 31 09
"Some people now are saying, this is true, that former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin wants to host her own TV show. The show is going to be called 'Am I More Coherent Than a Fifth Grader?'" --Conan O'Brien
"Members of the Senate are considering a tax on cosmetic surgery. When they brought it up, you should have seen the look that Nancy Pelosi's face tried to make." --Conan O'Brien
"President Obama is hosting a delegation of 150 Chinese officials in Washington. Among the questions the Chinese have for the U.S.: 'What's your military policy? What is your stance on global warming? And where's our money?'" --Conan O'Brien
"Critics of the federal stimulus plan say that millions of dollars are being wasted on fixing up bathrooms at our national parks. They may be right, because, this week, they turned Old Faithful into a bidet." --Conan O'Brien
"To ease tensions, President Obama has invited Harvard Professor Henry Louis Gates and the police officer who arrested him to join him for a beer at the White House. And if that works out, Obama's going to have Ahmadinejad and Netanyahu over for Jaegerbombs." --Conan O'Brien
"President Obama, of course, everyone knows, has invited Harvard Professor Henry Louis Gates and the police officer who arrested him to the White House for a beer. Of course, this could be trouble, because the last time Obama got a few beers in him, he bought General Motors." --Conan O'Brien
"President Obama's not the only President who enjoys the occasional beer. Bill Clinton, remember Bill Clinton would have an occasional beer? Here's what he would do. He would go into a bar and order a cold one. Do you remember that? And then the bartender would say, 'Oh, then go home to Hillary.'" --David Letterman
"The U.S. Senate is considering a bill that would tax Botox. When Botox users heard this, they were horrified. Well, I think they were horrified. It's difficult to tell." --Craig Ferguson
"Over the weekend, the President of France fainted while jogging. First of all, what kind of president of France is jogging? He should be smoking!" --Craig Ferguson
"He's all right now. But for a couple of minutes, he was so woozy he mistook his wife for his mistress." --Craig Ferguson
"Yesterday, Sarah Palin gave her last speech before resigning as governor of Alaska. It was a very fiery speech. She was mad. I mean, she blasted the media, Hollywood, two bears and a moose." --Jimmy Fallon
"The President of the United States spent the week talking about America's most vulnerable citizens, the Cambridge police department. Now, if you somehow missed the beginning of this story, let me catch you up. Perhaps the foremost African-American scholar in America today, Henry Louis Gates, was arrested for being black while home. Yes, apparently, in America if you're black, you can be pulled over for driving a stolen house. Except that it was his house." --Bill Maher
"What kind of burglar breaks into a house with luggage? That's what I want to know about. " --Bill Maher
"And the police officer, Officer Crowley ... apparently, he said Henry Louis Gates was threatening. And by threatening, of course, he meant he was an educated black man." --Bill Maher
"So, I don't know if this is a case of racism. The police in Cambridge say it had nothing to do with Gates being black. They said they would have given the same treatment to any minority." --Bill Maher
"President Obama said that the Cambridge police 'acted stupidly' when they arrested a professor for being a cat burglar in his own home. And now, President Obama says that he regrets saying, 'stupid.' What he meant was, 'retarded.'" --Bill Maher"It's comforting to know that the men with the guns and Mace the Tasers and the license to kill are this thin-skinned, isn't it? But I guess they are, because about an hour ago, Air Force One was pulled over for a broken tail-light." --Bill Maher
"More than you might expect, actually, apparently there was a group of Americans who did not believe that Barack Obama was born in the United States and therefore should not be president. They're called 'birthers.' They are. The birthers want Obama's election to be invalidated, which, I'm not sure what their goal is. Are they aware that Joe Biden would be the president?" --Jimmy Kimmel
"The birthers believe that the president was secretly born in Kenya. ... I always thought he was born in a manger in Jerusalem." --Jimmy Kimmel"
But Kenya makes no sense. Listen, if Barack Obama had been born in Kenya, don't you think Madonna would have adopted him by now?" --Jimmy Kimmel
"Yesterday, Chicago White Sox pitcher Mark Buehrle threw a perfect game. And afterwards, he had a five-minute phone conversation with President Obama, which was very cool. Meanwhile, the losing pitcher got a two-hour phone call from Joe Biden. " --Conan O'Brien
"War of words now between Hillary Clinton and North Korea. Getting nasty. Earlier this week, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton said that North Koreans were acting like children. Yesterday, a spokesman for North Korea said Hillary Clinton was acting like a schoolgirl. Now, folks, is it me or is it obvious these two like each other?" --Conan O'Brien
"President Obama tried to get a fire going under the lawmakers before the August recess, which is when they take a one-month break in order to visit their girlfriends in South America." --Jimmy Kimmel
"But the chances of getting a vote on the bill done by August doesn't look good. Right now, it's being held up in the Senate by a group of conservative-leaning Democrats called Blue Dogs. I never heard of this. They're called blue because they're from blue states and dogs because they roll over for the healthcare lobby. And also, they eat their own poop." --Jimmy Kimmel
"North Korea today launched another attack, but this one of a personal nature against our secretary of state, Hillary Clinton. You've got to love North Korea. They're a great villain. They say crazy things, their leader looks like Ethel Merman, all their missiles are named Dong; they're the best." --Jimmy Kimmel
"And you know, there's some kind of ethics investigation going on up in Alaska, also involving Governor Palin. I don't know what the ethics violations are, but for our purposes here, let's just say that she robbed a gas station." --David Letterman
"She's stepping down as governor. Leaving the governor's mansion. Next stop, LensCrafters commercial." --David Letterman
"Here's news from Pakistan. They believe now, intelligence believes, that a US missile attack about six months ago killed one of Osama bin Laden's sons. And the CIA believes that it was the hot-tempered Sonny." --David Letterman
"But Osama's favorite son, of course, was Osama W. bin Laden. He was - no, he wasn't too bright.'" --David Letterman
"Anybody see President Obama's press conference last night on television about the health plan? Here's the deal - it will cost a trillion dollars but that will be in three easy payments of $330 billion a month, so it's not that bad." --David Letterman
"But you know who really is opposed to the Obama healthcare plan? The Republicans. Apparently it does not cover breast implants for their mistresses so they think, 'We don't want it. We don't need it.''" --David Letterman
"President Obama held another press conference tonight, preempting all the major networks again. He does this every week now. It's time for Oprah to give him a show." --Jimmy Kimmel
"And the White House actually - this is true - rescheduled the President. They moved it up an hour from 9:00 to 8:00 because NBC complained it would interfere with 'America's Got Talent'. So in other words, the President of the United States moved his press conference to accommodate a show David Hasselhoff is on. I think Clinton did that for 'Baywatch' once." --Jimmy Kimmel
"The focus was on the national healthcare plan that is working through Congress. He needed to made a strong case tonight - 50% are in favor of the universal healthcare and the other 50% have coverage." --Jimmy Kimmel
"The Republicans had been running a surprisingly effective campaign against the proposal for national healthcare, but the President found a very clever way to get them on board. Behind the scenes, he offered a key provision that would provide free breast implants for their girlfriends." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Anybody in China yesterday? The solar eclipse lasted almost 7 minutes and China was plunged right into the darkness right into the middle of the - wait a minute, that's their pollution." --David Letterman
"But interesting reaction to the solar eclipse. Rush Limbaugh says that the solar eclipse proves the unreliability of solar power." --David Letterman
"Here's some sad news from Iran, ladies and gentlemen. Do you know Ahmadinejad, the president of Iran, do you know his vice president has resigned? This guy's main job was ceremonial, his main job was attending funerals. And you know, with Ahmadinejad in charge, that's a full-time gig." --David Letterman
"The vice president 'resigned' and that of course is Iranian for shot and thrown out of a car." --David Letterman
"Yesterday, Secretary of state Hillary Clinton was in India. And today, there was a total eclipse of the sun. After hearing about it, Bill Clinton said, 'If there's one thing Hillary's good at, it's making the light go out of your life.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Weird story about General Motors. General Motors just announced they've created - I'm not kidding - a new line of Cadillac cologne. The Cadillac cologne slogan is, 'Smell like you owe the Federal government $10 billion.'" --Conan O'Brien
"The astronauts went on a space walk today to change the batteries on the outside of the International Space Station. They hope the space walk will answer some key questions...Like, who put the batteries on the outside of the space station?" --Craig Ferguson
"Did you guys see Michelle Obama last night? She just got a new haircut. It's the first real cut of the Obama Administration." --Jimmy Fallon
"They announced Dr. Regina Benjamin is President Obama's pick for surgeon general. She's facing criticism for being overweight. I don't know if Dr. Benjamin's weight should be an issue, but her food pyramid does call for three to five daily servings of McRibs." --Jimmy Fallon
"Oh my God, Barack Obama's running the old Kenyan Prince birth announcement scam. Here's how it goes: you want to destroy America from the inside but you can't because you're a foreigner. So first, you gotta find yourself a good ol' American to reproduce for you. Then, you have that child on foreign soil, while simultaneously placing the birth announcement of that child in one of our "fringe" state's local newspapers, your Hawaiis, your Alaskas, your Pennsylvanias. Alright, then, kidding. And then, hold on, you wait. Until this baby is a middle-aged man. Now the trap is set. You just sit back and let that child go out and win the election for President of the United States. Now here's where the scam gets tricky; they can't just win the popular vote. He or she must have a strategy to win the electoral vote; that's what trips up most drifters. But, if you pull it off, you and your puppet child can sit back and destroy the fabric of the country you both hate so much. It's almost too easy." --Jon Stewart
"President Obama throws out the first pitch at the All-Star Game. And people are criticizing him because he had the big baggy jeans on, but Obama says Americans have it all wrong if they want a president who looks great in tight jeans. I think that was Al Gore's campaign slogan, wasn't it? I want to tell you something. In all honesty, if we had wanted a president who looked good in pants, we'd have elected Hillary. You know what I mean?" --David Letterman
"Here's how bad the economy is. Now people can't afford to be buried in a cemetery so they're being buried in their backyard. Well, I mean, you think about it. You sink all your money into real estate. Why not go with it?" --David Letterman
"On Monday, Defense Secretary Robert Gates, announced that the U.S. will send an additional 22,000 troops to Iraq to speed up the withdrawal effort. It's all part of the Administration's new exit strategy, 'Reverse Psychology.'" --Jimmy Fallon
"A new book reveals that George Bush's twin daughters Jenna and Barbara were a nightmare for Secret Service to keep tabs on. The girls responded, 'That's not true. We had tabs at every bar we went to.'" --Jimmy Fallon
"Yesterday, to commemorate the 40th anniversary of the moon landing, the three astronauts from Apollo 11 visited the White House. Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin were allowed to set foot inside the White House, while Michael Collins was forced to drive around in circles outside." --Conan O'Brien
A 30 year old blonde decides to try horseback riding for the first time. With no lessons, nor prior experience, she mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops long at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slide from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the horse's side anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup; she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments awayfrom unconsciousness when to her great fortune..... Frank, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse. And you thought all they did was say Hello.
Last night I was sitting on the couch watching TV when I heard his wife’s voice from the kitchen. “What would you like for dinner Love? Chicken, beef or lamb?” I said, “Thank you, I’ll have chicken.” She replied, “YOU’RE having soup. I was talking to the cat.”
Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee. The first Catholic man tells his friends, 'My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father' '. The second Catholic man chirps, 'My son is a bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'’.The third Catholic gent says, 'My son is a cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'’. The fourth Catholic man chirps, 'My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'’. Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, 'Well...?' She replies, 'I have a daughter. She is slim, tall and 38D-24-36. When she walks into a room, people say, 'Oh My God!’’
When the North American First Peoples were settled on a reservation, the government sent out a census taker to collect their information. He took out his forms and started with the chief.
Name? “Charlie Two Feathers”
Sex? “Three to fives times a week.”
No, no, I mean male or female. “Male, female, doesn’t matter.”
Holy cow! “Yes, cow. Sometimes sheep, sometimes dog.”
But isn’t that hostile? “Horse style, doggy style, any style.”
Oh Dear! “No, deer. Run too fast. Ass too high.”
In the eighteen hundreds it was common to use a set of bellows and a fumigator as a means of introducing a tobacco smoke enema into a patient’s rectum for various medical purposes, primarily the resuscitation of drowning victims. The warmth of the smoke was thought to provide respiration but doubts about its efficacy led to the popularity of the phrase, “blowing smoke up one’s ass!”
Alternate defnitions:
Electricity: Organized lightning. - George Carlin
Fruit: A vegetable with looks and money. - P.J. O'Rourke
Gossip: When you hear something you like about someone you don't. - Earl Wilson
Guilt: God's way of letting you know that you're having too good a time. - Dennis Miller
Sage Definitions:
Atom bomb: An invention to bring an end to all inventions.
Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool at the other!
Classic: A book which people praise, but never read.
Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
Conference room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.
Criminal: A guy no different from the other, unless he gets caught.
Dictionary: A place where divorce comes before marriage.
Diplomat: A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
Divorce: Future tense of marriage.
Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.
Ecstasy: A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.
Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.
Father: A banker provided by nature.
Lecture: Art of transmitting Information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of students without passing through the minds of either.
Marriage: An agreement wherein a man loses his bachelor degree and (a woman) gains his (her) master.
Miser: A person who lives poor so that he can die rich!
Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life
Opportunist: A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.
Optimist: A person who while falling from the Eiffel Tower says in midway "See I’m not hurt yet !"
Pessimist: A person who says that O is the last letter in zerO, instead of the first letter in Opportunity.
Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.
Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence later.
Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine will power is defeated by feminine water-power! Yawn: The only time when some married men ever get to open their mouth.
According to the weather forecast, I’ve been sloshing through two inches of slightly cloudy.
Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the edge of the pool and throw them fish?
One dog to another: Now, I ask you, what kind of best friend would remove your testicles?
When you think about it, God has to be the best inventor of all time. He took a rib from Adam and made a loudspeaker.
According to marvel Comics, Spiderman’s marriage has fallen apart after more than twenty years of marriage. Apparently he ignored his wife and spent too much time on the web.
What do you get when you mix PMS with GPS? A crazy bitch who WILL find you!
Jewish Oldie Goldies:
The husband, having just finished reading the book 'Man of the House', strode into the kitchen and up to his wife, pointing a finger in her face, he said 'From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I am finished, I expect a sumptuous dessert. Then, after dinner, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I am finished with my bath, guess who is going to dress me and comb my hair?" His wife replied, 'The Chevra Kadisha?'
A widowed Jewish lady was sunbathing on a beach at Ft. Myers Florida. She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand next to hers and began reading a book. Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello, there, how are you today?""Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book... "I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked. "This is the first time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book. "I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely," she countered. "Do you live around here?" she queried. "Yes, I live over in Cape Coral," he answered, and again he resumed reading. Trying desperately to find any topic of common interest, she persisted," Do you like pussy cats?" With that, the man dropped his book, jumped off his blanket, and climbed on top her, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most wonderful, passionate sex she'd ever experienced in her entire life. After the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?" The man replied..... "How did you know my name was Katz?"
A Jewish guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub. Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him has been granted three wishes. The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear. The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion, surrounded by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and begins to explore the house. Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he looks down and the; floor is covered in $100 bills. Then, there's a knock at the door. He answers it and standing there are two persons dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until he's dead. As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods; it's the two blonde genies. One blonde genie says to the other one," I can understand the first wish having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to. I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire. But why he wanted to be hung like a schvartzah is beyond me."
One day Harry the Eagle waited at the nest for Mary, his darling of 10 glorious years. After a few hours when she hadn’t return he was somewhat concerned as eagles mate for life. Harry finally went looking for his dear Mary and finally found her dead buckshot ridden body! Harry was devastated, but after about six minutes of mourning he decided that he must get himself another mate. And since there weren't any lady eagles available he decided he might have to cross the feather barrier. So he flew off to find a new mate. He found a lovely dove and brought her back to the nest. The sex was good but all the dove would say is, ‘I am a DOVE, I want to love! I am a DOVE, I want to love!' Well this got on Harry’s nerves so he kicked the dove out of the nest and flew off once more to find a mate. He soon found a very sexy loon and brought her back to the nest. Again the sex was good but all the loon would say is, ‘I am a LOON, I want to spoon! I am a LOON, I want to spoon!' So out with the loon. Once more he flew off to find a mate. This time he found a gorgeous duck and he brought the duck back to the nest. This time the sex was great, but all the duck would say was.............................................................................
NO, the duck didn't say THAT ……................................................Don't be SO disgusting!The duck said, 'I am a DRAKE, You made a MISTAKE!
An Americian tourist asks a Newfie, "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?" To which the Newfie replies, "You stund bye - If dey fell forwards dey'd still be in de fuckin’ boat."
A Newfie sits down at a bar on a Friday night and orders a beer. As he’s sipping his beer, a hot looking young woman sits down next to him. As he orders another beer he tells the bartender to bring one for the lady. She says, “I really appreciate the drink mister, but I think you should be aware that I’m a lesbian.” The Newfie says, “That’s OK with me darlin’, I’m from Newfoundland. So, what part of Lesbia do ye’ hail from?” She says I don’t think you understand, What do you do for a living? He replies, “Well, I fixes me boat and mends me nets and fishes everyday so I guess I’m a fisherman.” She says, well, I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women.' The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the Newfie and asks, 'What do you do?' The Newfie replies, 'I always thought I was a fisherman, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian.'
Humour @ Work:
Job interview no-nos:
- One candidate said that we should hire him because he would be a great addition to our softball team."
- An applicant sang all her responses to interview questions."
- One individual said we had nice benefits, which was good because he was going to need to take a lot of leave the following year."
- A candidate told me she needed the position because she wanted to get away from dealing with people."
As the teleconference with our London branch concluded, my British colleague suggested that we continue our meeting the next day. "Sorry," I said. "Tomorrow's July 4th, and the office will be closed." "Ah, yes, Independence Day," he said. "Or as we refer to it over here, Thanksgiving."
My very busy boss placed this want ad in the newspaper: "Local photocopy shop looking for employee who has reproductive experience."
Using our new voice recognition system, a fellow doctor dictated, "For erectile dysfunction, Cialis."
The system interpreted that as "For erectile dysfunction, see Alice."
Overheard outside my medical office--one woman complaining to another: "My doctor says I have masculine degeneration and that I'll just have to live with it."
The doctor I work for specializes in asthma. A patient sent over his medical transcripts, which stated that his main complaint was "coughing and whizzing."
Driving my three-year-old daughter to day care before work, I noticed a family of dead raccoons on the road. I quickly sped past, hoping she wouldn't spot them. No such luck. "Mommy, what was that?" "Some wood must have fallen from a truck," I fibbed. "Oh," she said. "Is that what killed all those raccoons?"
We all have our troubles form time to time and I know for a fact that some of you are having trouble coping theses days. Please do me a favour and tape these words to your bathroom mirror where you can read them every day.
1. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.
2. There are at least two people in this world that you would die for.
3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you is because they want to be just like you.
4. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you.
5. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep.
6. You mean the world to someone.
7. You are special and unique.
8. Someone that you don't even know exists loves you.
9. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it. (Corollary: 'Whenever God closes a door He always opens another, even though it can be Hell in the hallway!')
10. When you think the world has turned its back on you take another look.
11. Always remember the compliments you received. Forget about the rude remarks.
Please know that even if you’re not aware of it, there are many people out there pulling for you. Good friends are like stars. You don't always see them, but you know they are always there.
"Members of the Senate are considering a tax on cosmetic surgery. When they brought it up, you should have seen the look that Nancy Pelosi's face tried to make." --Conan O'Brien
"President Obama is hosting a delegation of 150 Chinese officials in Washington. Among the questions the Chinese have for the U.S.: 'What's your military policy? What is your stance on global warming? And where's our money?'" --Conan O'Brien
"Critics of the federal stimulus plan say that millions of dollars are being wasted on fixing up bathrooms at our national parks. They may be right, because, this week, they turned Old Faithful into a bidet." --Conan O'Brien
"To ease tensions, President Obama has invited Harvard Professor Henry Louis Gates and the police officer who arrested him to join him for a beer at the White House. And if that works out, Obama's going to have Ahmadinejad and Netanyahu over for Jaegerbombs." --Conan O'Brien
"President Obama, of course, everyone knows, has invited Harvard Professor Henry Louis Gates and the police officer who arrested him to the White House for a beer. Of course, this could be trouble, because the last time Obama got a few beers in him, he bought General Motors." --Conan O'Brien
"President Obama's not the only President who enjoys the occasional beer. Bill Clinton, remember Bill Clinton would have an occasional beer? Here's what he would do. He would go into a bar and order a cold one. Do you remember that? And then the bartender would say, 'Oh, then go home to Hillary.'" --David Letterman
"The U.S. Senate is considering a bill that would tax Botox. When Botox users heard this, they were horrified. Well, I think they were horrified. It's difficult to tell." --Craig Ferguson
"Over the weekend, the President of France fainted while jogging. First of all, what kind of president of France is jogging? He should be smoking!" --Craig Ferguson
"He's all right now. But for a couple of minutes, he was so woozy he mistook his wife for his mistress." --Craig Ferguson
"Yesterday, Sarah Palin gave her last speech before resigning as governor of Alaska. It was a very fiery speech. She was mad. I mean, she blasted the media, Hollywood, two bears and a moose." --Jimmy Fallon
"The President of the United States spent the week talking about America's most vulnerable citizens, the Cambridge police department. Now, if you somehow missed the beginning of this story, let me catch you up. Perhaps the foremost African-American scholar in America today, Henry Louis Gates, was arrested for being black while home. Yes, apparently, in America if you're black, you can be pulled over for driving a stolen house. Except that it was his house." --Bill Maher
"What kind of burglar breaks into a house with luggage? That's what I want to know about. " --Bill Maher
"And the police officer, Officer Crowley ... apparently, he said Henry Louis Gates was threatening. And by threatening, of course, he meant he was an educated black man." --Bill Maher
"So, I don't know if this is a case of racism. The police in Cambridge say it had nothing to do with Gates being black. They said they would have given the same treatment to any minority." --Bill Maher
"President Obama said that the Cambridge police 'acted stupidly' when they arrested a professor for being a cat burglar in his own home. And now, President Obama says that he regrets saying, 'stupid.' What he meant was, 'retarded.'" --Bill Maher"It's comforting to know that the men with the guns and Mace the Tasers and the license to kill are this thin-skinned, isn't it? But I guess they are, because about an hour ago, Air Force One was pulled over for a broken tail-light." --Bill Maher
"More than you might expect, actually, apparently there was a group of Americans who did not believe that Barack Obama was born in the United States and therefore should not be president. They're called 'birthers.' They are. The birthers want Obama's election to be invalidated, which, I'm not sure what their goal is. Are they aware that Joe Biden would be the president?" --Jimmy Kimmel
"The birthers believe that the president was secretly born in Kenya. ... I always thought he was born in a manger in Jerusalem." --Jimmy Kimmel"
But Kenya makes no sense. Listen, if Barack Obama had been born in Kenya, don't you think Madonna would have adopted him by now?" --Jimmy Kimmel
"Yesterday, Chicago White Sox pitcher Mark Buehrle threw a perfect game. And afterwards, he had a five-minute phone conversation with President Obama, which was very cool. Meanwhile, the losing pitcher got a two-hour phone call from Joe Biden. " --Conan O'Brien
"War of words now between Hillary Clinton and North Korea. Getting nasty. Earlier this week, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton said that North Koreans were acting like children. Yesterday, a spokesman for North Korea said Hillary Clinton was acting like a schoolgirl. Now, folks, is it me or is it obvious these two like each other?" --Conan O'Brien
"President Obama tried to get a fire going under the lawmakers before the August recess, which is when they take a one-month break in order to visit their girlfriends in South America." --Jimmy Kimmel
"But the chances of getting a vote on the bill done by August doesn't look good. Right now, it's being held up in the Senate by a group of conservative-leaning Democrats called Blue Dogs. I never heard of this. They're called blue because they're from blue states and dogs because they roll over for the healthcare lobby. And also, they eat their own poop." --Jimmy Kimmel
"North Korea today launched another attack, but this one of a personal nature against our secretary of state, Hillary Clinton. You've got to love North Korea. They're a great villain. They say crazy things, their leader looks like Ethel Merman, all their missiles are named Dong; they're the best." --Jimmy Kimmel
"And you know, there's some kind of ethics investigation going on up in Alaska, also involving Governor Palin. I don't know what the ethics violations are, but for our purposes here, let's just say that she robbed a gas station." --David Letterman
"She's stepping down as governor. Leaving the governor's mansion. Next stop, LensCrafters commercial." --David Letterman
"Here's news from Pakistan. They believe now, intelligence believes, that a US missile attack about six months ago killed one of Osama bin Laden's sons. And the CIA believes that it was the hot-tempered Sonny." --David Letterman
"But Osama's favorite son, of course, was Osama W. bin Laden. He was - no, he wasn't too bright.'" --David Letterman
"Anybody see President Obama's press conference last night on television about the health plan? Here's the deal - it will cost a trillion dollars but that will be in three easy payments of $330 billion a month, so it's not that bad." --David Letterman
"But you know who really is opposed to the Obama healthcare plan? The Republicans. Apparently it does not cover breast implants for their mistresses so they think, 'We don't want it. We don't need it.''" --David Letterman
"President Obama held another press conference tonight, preempting all the major networks again. He does this every week now. It's time for Oprah to give him a show." --Jimmy Kimmel
"And the White House actually - this is true - rescheduled the President. They moved it up an hour from 9:00 to 8:00 because NBC complained it would interfere with 'America's Got Talent'. So in other words, the President of the United States moved his press conference to accommodate a show David Hasselhoff is on. I think Clinton did that for 'Baywatch' once." --Jimmy Kimmel
"The focus was on the national healthcare plan that is working through Congress. He needed to made a strong case tonight - 50% are in favor of the universal healthcare and the other 50% have coverage." --Jimmy Kimmel
"The Republicans had been running a surprisingly effective campaign against the proposal for national healthcare, but the President found a very clever way to get them on board. Behind the scenes, he offered a key provision that would provide free breast implants for their girlfriends." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Anybody in China yesterday? The solar eclipse lasted almost 7 minutes and China was plunged right into the darkness right into the middle of the - wait a minute, that's their pollution." --David Letterman
"But interesting reaction to the solar eclipse. Rush Limbaugh says that the solar eclipse proves the unreliability of solar power." --David Letterman
"Here's some sad news from Iran, ladies and gentlemen. Do you know Ahmadinejad, the president of Iran, do you know his vice president has resigned? This guy's main job was ceremonial, his main job was attending funerals. And you know, with Ahmadinejad in charge, that's a full-time gig." --David Letterman
"The vice president 'resigned' and that of course is Iranian for shot and thrown out of a car." --David Letterman
"Yesterday, Secretary of state Hillary Clinton was in India. And today, there was a total eclipse of the sun. After hearing about it, Bill Clinton said, 'If there's one thing Hillary's good at, it's making the light go out of your life.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Weird story about General Motors. General Motors just announced they've created - I'm not kidding - a new line of Cadillac cologne. The Cadillac cologne slogan is, 'Smell like you owe the Federal government $10 billion.'" --Conan O'Brien
"The astronauts went on a space walk today to change the batteries on the outside of the International Space Station. They hope the space walk will answer some key questions...Like, who put the batteries on the outside of the space station?" --Craig Ferguson
"Did you guys see Michelle Obama last night? She just got a new haircut. It's the first real cut of the Obama Administration." --Jimmy Fallon
"They announced Dr. Regina Benjamin is President Obama's pick for surgeon general. She's facing criticism for being overweight. I don't know if Dr. Benjamin's weight should be an issue, but her food pyramid does call for three to five daily servings of McRibs." --Jimmy Fallon
"Oh my God, Barack Obama's running the old Kenyan Prince birth announcement scam. Here's how it goes: you want to destroy America from the inside but you can't because you're a foreigner. So first, you gotta find yourself a good ol' American to reproduce for you. Then, you have that child on foreign soil, while simultaneously placing the birth announcement of that child in one of our "fringe" state's local newspapers, your Hawaiis, your Alaskas, your Pennsylvanias. Alright, then, kidding. And then, hold on, you wait. Until this baby is a middle-aged man. Now the trap is set. You just sit back and let that child go out and win the election for President of the United States. Now here's where the scam gets tricky; they can't just win the popular vote. He or she must have a strategy to win the electoral vote; that's what trips up most drifters. But, if you pull it off, you and your puppet child can sit back and destroy the fabric of the country you both hate so much. It's almost too easy." --Jon Stewart
"President Obama throws out the first pitch at the All-Star Game. And people are criticizing him because he had the big baggy jeans on, but Obama says Americans have it all wrong if they want a president who looks great in tight jeans. I think that was Al Gore's campaign slogan, wasn't it? I want to tell you something. In all honesty, if we had wanted a president who looked good in pants, we'd have elected Hillary. You know what I mean?" --David Letterman
"Here's how bad the economy is. Now people can't afford to be buried in a cemetery so they're being buried in their backyard. Well, I mean, you think about it. You sink all your money into real estate. Why not go with it?" --David Letterman
"On Monday, Defense Secretary Robert Gates, announced that the U.S. will send an additional 22,000 troops to Iraq to speed up the withdrawal effort. It's all part of the Administration's new exit strategy, 'Reverse Psychology.'" --Jimmy Fallon
"A new book reveals that George Bush's twin daughters Jenna and Barbara were a nightmare for Secret Service to keep tabs on. The girls responded, 'That's not true. We had tabs at every bar we went to.'" --Jimmy Fallon
"Yesterday, to commemorate the 40th anniversary of the moon landing, the three astronauts from Apollo 11 visited the White House. Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin were allowed to set foot inside the White House, while Michael Collins was forced to drive around in circles outside." --Conan O'Brien
A 30 year old blonde decides to try horseback riding for the first time. With no lessons, nor prior experience, she mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops long at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slide from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the horse's side anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup; she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments awayfrom unconsciousness when to her great fortune..... Frank, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse. And you thought all they did was say Hello.
Last night I was sitting on the couch watching TV when I heard his wife’s voice from the kitchen. “What would you like for dinner Love? Chicken, beef or lamb?” I said, “Thank you, I’ll have chicken.” She replied, “YOU’RE having soup. I was talking to the cat.”
Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee. The first Catholic man tells his friends, 'My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father' '. The second Catholic man chirps, 'My son is a bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'’.The third Catholic gent says, 'My son is a cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'’. The fourth Catholic man chirps, 'My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'’. Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, 'Well...?' She replies, 'I have a daughter. She is slim, tall and 38D-24-36. When she walks into a room, people say, 'Oh My God!’’
When the North American First Peoples were settled on a reservation, the government sent out a census taker to collect their information. He took out his forms and started with the chief.
Name? “Charlie Two Feathers”
Sex? “Three to fives times a week.”
No, no, I mean male or female. “Male, female, doesn’t matter.”
Holy cow! “Yes, cow. Sometimes sheep, sometimes dog.”
But isn’t that hostile? “Horse style, doggy style, any style.”
Oh Dear! “No, deer. Run too fast. Ass too high.”
In the eighteen hundreds it was common to use a set of bellows and a fumigator as a means of introducing a tobacco smoke enema into a patient’s rectum for various medical purposes, primarily the resuscitation of drowning victims. The warmth of the smoke was thought to provide respiration but doubts about its efficacy led to the popularity of the phrase, “blowing smoke up one’s ass!”
Alternate defnitions:
Electricity: Organized lightning. - George Carlin
Fruit: A vegetable with looks and money. - P.J. O'Rourke
Gossip: When you hear something you like about someone you don't. - Earl Wilson
Guilt: God's way of letting you know that you're having too good a time. - Dennis Miller
Sage Definitions:
Atom bomb: An invention to bring an end to all inventions.
Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool at the other!
Classic: A book which people praise, but never read.
Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
Conference room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.
Criminal: A guy no different from the other, unless he gets caught.
Dictionary: A place where divorce comes before marriage.
Diplomat: A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
Divorce: Future tense of marriage.
Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.
Ecstasy: A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.
Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.
Father: A banker provided by nature.
Lecture: Art of transmitting Information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of students without passing through the minds of either.
Marriage: An agreement wherein a man loses his bachelor degree and (a woman) gains his (her) master.
Miser: A person who lives poor so that he can die rich!
Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life
Opportunist: A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.
Optimist: A person who while falling from the Eiffel Tower says in midway "See I’m not hurt yet !"
Pessimist: A person who says that O is the last letter in zerO, instead of the first letter in Opportunity.
Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.
Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence later.
Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine will power is defeated by feminine water-power! Yawn: The only time when some married men ever get to open their mouth.
According to the weather forecast, I’ve been sloshing through two inches of slightly cloudy.
Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the edge of the pool and throw them fish?
One dog to another: Now, I ask you, what kind of best friend would remove your testicles?
When you think about it, God has to be the best inventor of all time. He took a rib from Adam and made a loudspeaker.
According to marvel Comics, Spiderman’s marriage has fallen apart after more than twenty years of marriage. Apparently he ignored his wife and spent too much time on the web.
What do you get when you mix PMS with GPS? A crazy bitch who WILL find you!
Jewish Oldie Goldies:
The husband, having just finished reading the book 'Man of the House', strode into the kitchen and up to his wife, pointing a finger in her face, he said 'From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I am finished, I expect a sumptuous dessert. Then, after dinner, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I am finished with my bath, guess who is going to dress me and comb my hair?" His wife replied, 'The Chevra Kadisha?'
A widowed Jewish lady was sunbathing on a beach at Ft. Myers Florida. She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand next to hers and began reading a book. Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello, there, how are you today?""Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book... "I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked. "This is the first time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book. "I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely," she countered. "Do you live around here?" she queried. "Yes, I live over in Cape Coral," he answered, and again he resumed reading. Trying desperately to find any topic of common interest, she persisted," Do you like pussy cats?" With that, the man dropped his book, jumped off his blanket, and climbed on top her, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most wonderful, passionate sex she'd ever experienced in her entire life. After the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?" The man replied..... "How did you know my name was Katz?"
A Jewish guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub. Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him has been granted three wishes. The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear. The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion, surrounded by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and begins to explore the house. Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he looks down and the; floor is covered in $100 bills. Then, there's a knock at the door. He answers it and standing there are two persons dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until he's dead. As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods; it's the two blonde genies. One blonde genie says to the other one," I can understand the first wish having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to. I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire. But why he wanted to be hung like a schvartzah is beyond me."
One day Harry the Eagle waited at the nest for Mary, his darling of 10 glorious years. After a few hours when she hadn’t return he was somewhat concerned as eagles mate for life. Harry finally went looking for his dear Mary and finally found her dead buckshot ridden body! Harry was devastated, but after about six minutes of mourning he decided that he must get himself another mate. And since there weren't any lady eagles available he decided he might have to cross the feather barrier. So he flew off to find a new mate. He found a lovely dove and brought her back to the nest. The sex was good but all the dove would say is, ‘I am a DOVE, I want to love! I am a DOVE, I want to love!' Well this got on Harry’s nerves so he kicked the dove out of the nest and flew off once more to find a mate. He soon found a very sexy loon and brought her back to the nest. Again the sex was good but all the loon would say is, ‘I am a LOON, I want to spoon! I am a LOON, I want to spoon!' So out with the loon. Once more he flew off to find a mate. This time he found a gorgeous duck and he brought the duck back to the nest. This time the sex was great, but all the duck would say was.............................................................................
NO, the duck didn't say THAT ……................................................Don't be SO disgusting!The duck said, 'I am a DRAKE, You made a MISTAKE!
An Americian tourist asks a Newfie, "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?" To which the Newfie replies, "You stund bye - If dey fell forwards dey'd still be in de fuckin’ boat."
A Newfie sits down at a bar on a Friday night and orders a beer. As he’s sipping his beer, a hot looking young woman sits down next to him. As he orders another beer he tells the bartender to bring one for the lady. She says, “I really appreciate the drink mister, but I think you should be aware that I’m a lesbian.” The Newfie says, “That’s OK with me darlin’, I’m from Newfoundland. So, what part of Lesbia do ye’ hail from?” She says I don’t think you understand, What do you do for a living? He replies, “Well, I fixes me boat and mends me nets and fishes everyday so I guess I’m a fisherman.” She says, well, I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women.' The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the Newfie and asks, 'What do you do?' The Newfie replies, 'I always thought I was a fisherman, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian.'
Humour @ Work:
Job interview no-nos:
- One candidate said that we should hire him because he would be a great addition to our softball team."
- An applicant sang all her responses to interview questions."
- One individual said we had nice benefits, which was good because he was going to need to take a lot of leave the following year."
- A candidate told me she needed the position because she wanted to get away from dealing with people."
As the teleconference with our London branch concluded, my British colleague suggested that we continue our meeting the next day. "Sorry," I said. "Tomorrow's July 4th, and the office will be closed." "Ah, yes, Independence Day," he said. "Or as we refer to it over here, Thanksgiving."
My very busy boss placed this want ad in the newspaper: "Local photocopy shop looking for employee who has reproductive experience."
Using our new voice recognition system, a fellow doctor dictated, "For erectile dysfunction, Cialis."
The system interpreted that as "For erectile dysfunction, see Alice."
Overheard outside my medical office--one woman complaining to another: "My doctor says I have masculine degeneration and that I'll just have to live with it."
The doctor I work for specializes in asthma. A patient sent over his medical transcripts, which stated that his main complaint was "coughing and whizzing."
Driving my three-year-old daughter to day care before work, I noticed a family of dead raccoons on the road. I quickly sped past, hoping she wouldn't spot them. No such luck. "Mommy, what was that?" "Some wood must have fallen from a truck," I fibbed. "Oh," she said. "Is that what killed all those raccoons?"
We all have our troubles form time to time and I know for a fact that some of you are having trouble coping theses days. Please do me a favour and tape these words to your bathroom mirror where you can read them every day.
1. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.
2. There are at least two people in this world that you would die for.
3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you is because they want to be just like you.
4. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you.
5. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep.
6. You mean the world to someone.
7. You are special and unique.
8. Someone that you don't even know exists loves you.
9. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it. (Corollary: 'Whenever God closes a door He always opens another, even though it can be Hell in the hallway!')
10. When you think the world has turned its back on you take another look.
11. Always remember the compliments you received. Forget about the rude remarks.
Please know that even if you’re not aware of it, there are many people out there pulling for you. Good friends are like stars. You don't always see them, but you know they are always there.
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