Friday Funnies July 10 09

From the Farmer’s Almanac:

Your farmer’s market or local grocery stores are starting to sell their summer bounty. How to tell when fruit is ripe?

- Use your nose. Fruit such as melons, peaches, plums, and nectarines should offer a mild perfume but not an overpowering scent.

- A pineapple leaf should yield to a gentle tug.

- When you shake a honeydew melon, listen for a watery sound and loose seeds.

- When you thump a watermelon, it should go “plunk,” not “plink.”

- Berries should appear plump, not wrinkled. Fruit-stained baskets may indicate overripe fruit.

- Ripe mangoes and papayas should feel heavy for their size and have smooth skin. Both will continue to ripen, softening slightly so that they yield to the touch.

"Today, in Russia, President Obama delivered a speech to the graduating class of Moscow's new economic school. That's right. The title of his speech was 'Can We Borrow 4 Trillion Rubles, Please?'" --Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday, President Obama met with Russian President Dimitry Medvedev. This morning, he met with Prime Minister Vladimir Putin. Then, this afternoon, he met with former President Mikhail Gorbachev. At the end of each meeting, Obama would twist the Russian leader at their waist, then the next slightly smaller leader would pop out." --Conan O'Brien

"General Motors had some good news. General Motors says it's struggling to meet demand for its new 2010 Chevrolet Camaro. G.M. said they're 'sorry, but both of you are going to have to wait a little longer.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Now how about this, ladies and gentlemen? The Governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin, has announced she is stepping down. She will no longer be the Governor of Alaska. First thing, she woke up and went out on her porch and waved goodbye to Russia. Obama was waving to her." --David Letterman

"But she's going to take the summer off, and then will come back next fall in the 10 o'clock slot." --David Letterman

"But friends of Governor Palin are saying that she is resigning because she is tired of attacks from the media. Thank God I didn't say anything." --David Letterman

"It's an emotional day. A lot of us are still mourning the loss of one of America's most entertaining figures, who left us all too soon. But don't worry, folks, Sarah Palin will be back. Comedians everywhere are praying." --Conan O'Brien

"President Obama is in Russia. And we know this because Sarah Palin says she can see him from her house." --David Letterman"There was a surprising announcement over the weekend. Governor of Alaska Sarah Palin is leaving office. She's stepping down. Something I said?" --David Letterman, referring to his feud with Palin

"Everybody have a nice, happy Fourth of July? We took Mom to see the fireworks. I thought it was going to be a lot of fun. Every time, a big one goes off, my mom screams, 'It's North Korea! It's North Korea! Run!'" --David Letterman

"But Governor Mark Sanford didn't really enjoy this year's Fourth of July. He left his favorite firecracker in Argentina." --David Letterman

"Well, ladies and gentlemen, here's something very exciting. President Obama is in Russia although he told his staff he was hiking on the Appalachian Trail." --David Letterman

"But he's over there. He's talking about getting some major concessions from the Russians. And Russia has agreed -- now, this is surprising -- they agreed now to produce fewer nuclear warheads and more hot tennis babes." --David Letterman

"President Obama right now is in Russia. Yeah, Obama went there because from Russia, you can actually see Sarah Palin cleaning out her office in Alaska." --Conan O'Brien

"Of course, the very big news, you can't avoid it, Sarah Palin's quitting as governor of Alaska. Everybody is shocked. Palin hasn't made a decision this controversial since deciding whether to wear her hair up or down." --Craig Ferguson

"Don't worry about the state of Alaska. They'll be fine. According to the state constitution, the job automatically goes to the lieutenant governor, Chilly Willy." --Craig Ferguson

"I have said Sarah Palin's political ambition combined with her intellect is like putting a jet engine on a golf cart; lots of horse power and no steering capabilities. Today she proved it." --Alaska blogger Shannyn Moore, whom Sarah Palin is threatening to sue.

Letterman's Top Ten Messages on Sarah Palin's Answering Machine:
10. "Hi, it's George W. Bush. Why didn't anyone tell me resigning was an option?"
9. "It's John McCain--Why did I call?"
8. "Mark Sanford here. Ever been to Argentina?"
7. "I'm calling from Geico to see if you want to renew your dogsled insurance"
6. "It's Letterman. We still cool?"
5. "McCain again. Still no idea why I called"
4. "Hi, it's the dry cleaner. Having trouble getting caribou blood out of your Prada jacket"
3. "Hi, it's Sarah...Oops...Dialed my own number"
2. "Schwarzenegger here. If you want a job, California could use a new governor"
1. "Hey, it's McCain. Who would've thought you'd retire before I did"

Top 10 Real Reasons Sarah Palin Is Resigning As Governor:
10. She's pregnant again and is having John Edwards' baby.
9. She's "hiking the Appalachian Trail" with Mark Sanford.
8. She wants to spend more time teaching abstinence to her family.
7. She's joining the cast of "I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here!"
6. She cracked under the strain of watching Russia from her house.
5. She wants to devote herself full-time to making comedians apologize for the new wave of jokes they're about to unleash on her.
4. Her daughter Bristol is actually having Alex Rodriguez's baby.
3. She's taking up Playboy's offer to pose nude as part of their upcoming "Governors Gone Wild" issue.
2. She came to the end of the Bridge to Nowhere that is her political career.
1. She didn't resign at all. It was an elaborate hoax pulled off by Tina Fey.

"On a more serious front, I sincerely hope that when the president goes in for his annual check-up, the doctors at Bethesda will do a brain scan. Surely something must be terribly wrong with a man who seems to be far more concerned with a Jew building a house in Israel than with Muslims building a nuclear bomb in Iran." - columnist Burt Prelutsky

Yesterday I was at my local Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit usboth. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. Costco won't let me shop there anymore. Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.

After Costco, the wife and I went to Home Depot and as I was pushing my cart around I collided with a young guy pushing his cart. I said to the young guy, 'Sorry about that I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going'. The young guy says, That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate. I said, 'Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like? The young guy says, 'Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blonde hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?' I said. 'Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours. Most of us old guys are helpful like that.

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica and where do they go? Wonder no more! It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life. If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried. The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing: "Freeze a jolly good fellow."

A little Indian boy asked his father, the big chief and witch doctor of the tribe, "Papa, why is it that we always have long names, while the white men have shorter names - Bill, Tex or Sam, for example?" His father replied, "Look, son, our names represent a symbol, a sign, or a poem for our culture not like the white men, who live all together and repeat their names from generation to generation. Also, it is part of our makeup that in spite of everything, we survive. For example, your sister's name is Small Romantic Moon Over The Lake, because on the night she was born, there was a beautiful moon reflected in the lake. Then there's your brother, Big White Horse of the Prairies, because he was born on a day that the big white horse who gallops over the prairies of the world appeared near our camp and is a symbol of our capacity to live and the life force of our people. It's very simple and easy to understand. Do you have any other questions, Little Broken Condom Made in China?

Dr. Epstein was a renowned physician who earned his undergraduate, graduate, and medical degrees in his home town and then left for Manhattan, where he quickly rose to the top of his field. Soon he was invited to deliver a significant paper, at a conference, coincidentally held in his home town. He walked on stage and placed his papers on the lectern, but they slid off onto the floor. As he bent over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he inadvertently farted. The microphone amplified his mistake resoundingly through the room and reverberated it down the hall! He was quite embarrassed but somehow regained his composure just enough to deliver his paper. He ignored the resounding applause and raced out the stage door, never to be seen in his home town again. Decades later, when his elderly mother was ill, he returned to visit her. He reserved a hotel room under the name of Levy and arrived under cover of darkness. The desk clerk asked him, "Is this your first visit to our city, Mr. Levy?" Dr. Epstein replied, "Well, young man, no, it isn't. I grew up here and received my education here, but then I moved away." Why haven't you visited?" asked the desk clerk. Actually, I did visit once, many years ago, but an embarrassing thing happened and since then I've been too ashamed to return." The clerk consoled him. "Sir, while I don't have your life experience, one thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me isn't even remembered by others. I bet that's true of your incident too." Dr. Epstein replied, "Son, I doubt that's the case with my incident." "Was it a long time ago?" "Yes, many years." The clerk asked, "Was it before or after the Epstein Fart?"

Maria, the maid asked the lady of the house for a pay increase. The lady was taken aback with the request and asked her maid why she thought an increase was justified. The following conversation ensued...
Maria: 'Well Madam, I have three reasons for wanting an increase. The first is that I iron better than you."
Lady: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria: "Your husband said so."
Lady: "Oh."
Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
Lady: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"
Maria: "Your husband did."
Lady: "Oh, did he!!!
Maria: "My third reason is that I am a better lover than you."
Lady: (really angry now) "Did my husband say that as well?"
Maria: "No Madam, the gardener did."
Lady: "How much extra pay were you thinking of?”

Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg. Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?" "No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds. "Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both." "Fook off you liar!". "I'll prove it," Murphy says. So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?" "Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?"

Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!

Impotence: Is nature's way of saying, "No hard feelings..."

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

A powerful message from Stevie Wonder on Michael Jackson’s death... ".. .. ... .. ... ... .. .. .. . .. . . ... . . . . . .. . .. .... .. .. . ... .. ... ... .. ... ... ... ... .... .. .. .. ... ... ... .... .. .. . .. . .. . . ... .. . . . .. ... . .... ... .... .... ... .. .. .. .... .... .... .. .. . .. .. . .. .. . .. . . .... .... . .. . . . .. . .. . ... .. .. ... ... ... ... .. ... .. .. ... ... .. .... ... ... .... .... . .. .. . .. .... .. . . . . . .. .. ... .. .. .... .. ... ... .. .. ... .. .. .. .. .. . "Deep stuff, eh? I nearly cried when he said, ‘. .. . . . .. .. … .. .. . . .... .....’”

And since the good golf weather is here:

1. Eighteen holes of match play will teach you more about your foe than 18 years of dealing with him across a desk. - Grantland Rice

2. Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Just how childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five. - John Updike

3. It is almost impossible to remember how tragic a place the world is when one is playing golf.
- Robert Lynd

4. If profanity had any influence on the flight of the ball, the game of golf would be played far better than it is. - Horace G. Hutchinson

5. They say golf is like life, but don't believe them. Golf is more complicated than that. - Gardner Dickinson

6. If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork as poorly as they do a golf club, they'd starve to death. - Sam Snead

7. Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness. - William Wordsworth

8. If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt. - Dean Martin

9. If you are going to throw a club, it is important to throw it ahead of you, down the fairway, so you don't have to waste energy going back to pick it up. - Tommy Bolt

10. Man blames fate for all other accidents, but feels personally responsible when he makes a hole-in-one. - Bishop Sheen

11. I don't say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced. - Arnold Palmer

12. My handicap? Woods and irons. - Chris Codiroli

13. The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody would put a flag stick on top. - Pete Dye

14. I'm hitting the woods just great, but having a terrible time getting out of them! - Buddy Hackett

15. The only time my prayers are never answered is playing golf. - Billy Graham

16. If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball. - Jack Lemmon

17. It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling. - Mark Twain

18. Don't play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty. - Harry Vardon

19. Golf and sex are the only things you can enjoy without being good at either of them. - Jimmy DeMaret

20. May thy ball lie in green pastures, and not in still waters. - Ben Hogan

21. If I hit it right, it's a slice. If I hit it left, it's a hook. If I hit it straight, it's a miracle. - All Us Hackers

22. The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can't improve your lie. - George Deukmejian

23. Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe. - Lee Trevino

24. I have a tip that can take five strokes off anyone's golf game. It's called an eraser. - Arnold Palmer

25. You don't know what pressure is until you play for five bucks with only two in your pocket. - Lee Trevino

26. Golf is like a love affair: if you don't take it seriously, it's not fun; if you do take it seriously, it breaks your heart. - Arnold Daly

27. One of the advantages bowling has over golf is that you seldom lose a bowling ball. - Don Carter; professional bowler

28. We learn so many things from golf . . . how to suffer, for instance. - Bruce Lansky

29. While playing golf today I hit two good balls, I stepped on a rake. - Henny Youngman

30. I know I'm getting better at golf because I'm hitting fewer spectators. - Gerald Ford

31. I'll always remember the day I broke ninety. I had a few beers in the clubhouse and was so excited I forgot to play the back nine. - Bruce Lansky

32. It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course. - Hank Aaron

33. God must have loved the double bogey golfer, because he made so many of them.

34. The only thing in my bag that works is the bug spray. - Bruce Lansky

35. I've thought about buying those new, long-distance balls, but I wonder -- what's the point of hitting golf balls even further out of bounds? - Bruce Lansky

36. The more I practice, the luckier I get. - Gary Player

37. My golf pro said, "Practice makes perfect," He lied. - Bruce Lansky

38. I don't need practice. I need a miracle. - Bruce Ashworth

39. The secret of a perfect golf swings remains a secret. - Bruce Lansky

40. Hacker: Any ideas on how I can cut about ten strokes off my score? Caddie: Yes, quit on seventeen. - Melvin Helitzer

41. My ex-wife has never broken 150. I wish she'd stop telling people I taught her how to play golf. - Bruce Lansky

42. My wife doesn't care what I do when I'm away, as long as I don't have a good time. - Lee Trevino

43. In case of a thunderstorm, stand in the middle of the fairway and hold up a one iron. Not even God can hit a one iron. - Lee Trevino

44. When I was a kid, my father taught me the best way to handle a strong wind. Stay in the clubhouse. - Bruce Lansky

45. Talking to a golf ball won't do you any good. Unless you do it while your opponent is teeing off.- Bruce Lansky

46. Golfer: I've never played this poorly before. Caddie: You've played before? - Fred Metcalf

47. First Golfer: I hit so many balls into the woods I lost all my balls. Second Golfer: That's nothing. I hit so many balls into the woods I lost my caddie. - Bruce Lansky

48. Actually, the Lord answers my prayers everywhere except on the course. - Billy Graham

The golf pro is giving a lesson to one of his club members. "Now, first of all, just take a few swings without hitting the ball," says the pro. "Hell, I've already mastered that shot," says the member. "I'm paying you to teach me how to hit it."

Ben (Crenshaw) came to me when he was about eight years old. We cut off a seven iron for him. I showed him a good grip, and we went outside. There was a green about seventy-five yards away. I asked Ben to tee up a ball and hit it onto the green. He did. Then I said, "Now, let's go to the green and putt the ball into the hole." Little Ben asked, "If you wanted it in the hole, why didn't you tell me the first time?" - Harvey Penick

The best place to refine your swing is, of course, right out on the practice range . . . You will have an opportunity to make the same mistakes over and over again so that you no longer have to think about them, and they become part of your game.

Marge: I had to call you. Walter has left me.Helen: Don't worry. He's left you before, but he always comes back.Marge: Not this time. He took his golf clubs.

First Golfer: I got some new golf clubs for my wife.Second Golfer: Gee, that's great! I wish I could make a trade like that!

Golfer (to members ahead): Pardon, but would you mind if I played through? I've just heard that my wife has been taken seriously ill.

Eric: My wife says if I don't give up golf she'll leave me.Ernie: That's terrible.Eric: I know, I'm really gonna miss her.

Honey, do you have anything to say before the golf season starts?

Wife: You think so much of your golf game you don't even remember when we were married. Husband: Of course I do, my dear. It was the day I sank that thirty-foot putt.

Player: Can I reach it with a five iron?Caddie: Eventually.

I play golf as much as I could in Canada, but summer up there is pretty short. It usually falls on Tuesday.

A priest was about to tee off over a lake on a par three hole. Because he was not confident that he could carry the water, he teed up an old ball, and just as he was about to hit, a voice from above said, "Put down a new ball," So he changed to a new ball and was about to hit when the voice said, "Take a practice swing." The priest took a practice swing and again stepped up to the ball, only to hear the voice say, "Put down the old ball."

Why am I using a new putter? Because the old one didn't float too well.

Manager: I'm sorry, sir we have not time open on the course today. Golfer: Wait a minute, what if Arnold Palmer and Jack Nicklaus showed up? I'm sure you'd find a starting time for them.Manager: Of course we would, sir.Golfer: Well, I happen to know they're not coming, so we'll take their time.

Two avid golfers were sitting in the clubhouse. One said to his friend, "I'm sorry to hear that your uncle passed away last week. I understand it was while you two were playing golf. I hear you carried him all the way back to the clubhouse. That must have been very hard for you considering he weighed over two hundred pounds." Oh, carrying him wasn't that hard," said his friend, sadly. "The difficult part was putting him down . . . and then picking him up again after each stroke."

And from the Life’s Like That department:

Three days of suffering through a nasty virus left me wiped out. But I found a silver lining the very first day I could crawl out of bed. Throwing on a pair of pants, I called out to my husband, "Look! These jeans fit--they finally fit!" "Great," he said. "But they're mine."

My current wife and my ex-wife barely talk. But they were thrown together when my mother-in-law had all the grandkids at her home for a cookout. Luckily, I wasn't there, which irked my ex. "Where's Paul?" she asked. "He's home, mowing the lawn," said my wife. My ex smiled. "I wish I'd married someone like that."

Leaving a funeral, my 13-year-old son dropped a heavy question on me: "What will happen to us if you and Dad die?" My young daughter knew: "We'd go in the limo."

After not firing a gun for years, I visited a nearby pistol range. I was awful--couldn't hit a thing. Turning to my friend, who was watching, I said, "I know it may be hard to believe, but I was on my school's shooting team." He asked, "What were you--the target?"

"Do you want to insure this?" asked the clerk at the post office when I handed her my package.
"Nope," I answered. "The contents aren't breakable." The clerk wasn't so sure. "Ma'am, we are professionals. We can break anything."

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence. She made a mistake, however, when she accused Harold, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town'sonly bar one after noon. She emphatically told Harold (and several others) that every one seeing it there would know what he was doing! Harold, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing. Later that evening, Harold quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house, walked home and left it there all night.

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment. She asked if he had health insurance. He replied, in a raspy voice, 'No health insurance.' The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He replied. 'No money in the bank.' The nun asked, 'Do you have a relative who could help you?' He said, 'I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun.' The nun became agitated and announced loudly, 'Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God.' The patient replied, 'In that case, send the bill to my brother-in-law.'

Mary got married to Ted and had thirteen children and then unfortunately Ted died of cancer. Mary married again and she and Bob had seven more children. Bob was killed in a car accident. Twelve years later Mary again remarried and this time she and John had five more children. Mary finally died, after having produced twenty-five children. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they are finally together." Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret, "Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?" Margaret replied, "Ethel, I think he means her legs."