Friday Funnies April 10 09

"This week, President Obama attended what was either the G-20 summit or his high school reunion. I haven't seen old white dudes this excited about meeting a black guy since Michael Jordan's fantasy camp." --Seth Meyers

"Michelle Obama was photographed in London wearing clothes from J-Crew, the store is selling out of the clothes she's been wearing. Now if someone could just get her to drive a Chrysler." --Seth Meyers

"The pres is in France, where he was hailed as the black Jerry Lewis. He had a town hall meeting there, which a lot of people said was brave. Not for facing the people, but for putting himself in a room full of French people raising their hands." --Bill Maher

"He was the 11th U.S. President Queen Elizabeth has met with, and the first one where she spent the entire meeting clutching her purse." --Bill Maher

"Then it was on to Germany, for Obama. The Germans offered to let him fire the CEO of Volkswagen." --Bill Maher

"Conservatives aren't happy with Obama because he basically fired the CEO of General Motors, and they said he's interfering with private industry's ability to run our country into the ground." --Bill Maher

"It was a big day in London. President Obama met Queen Elizabeth and gave her an iPod with 40 Broadway songs loaded on it. Someone needs to tell Barack not all queens like show tunes." --Jimmy Fallon

"So they gave the Queen an iPod. I remember when British Prime Minister Gordon Brown was here, the Obamas gave him a DVD box set. So, it looks like they're saving the big gift, the Nintendo, for the Pope." --Jay Leno

"First Lady Michelle Obama is a huge hit in England. There was a bit of controversy when she put her hand on the Queen's back. The Queen took it as a gesture of friendship, but I think Michelle went a little too far when she tried to feed Camilla a carrot." --Jay Leno

"Protesters in London tried to disrupt the G20 summit. One bank was overrun with anti-money demonstrators. And they kept shouting, 'Abolish money!' Luckily, they were beaten back by an outraged Heather Mills." --Jay Leno

"People in England are lining up by the thousands to see President Obama, because this is really different for them. They've never seen someone like him — a 47-year-old man with a full set of perfect teeth." --Jay Leno

"And the press is going crazy over First Lady Michelle Obama. They say she is the reason for the sleeveless fashion trend that is sweeping Europe. But President Bush spoke about this today. He said he is appalled by it. He said, 'Sleeveless? How does she wipe her nose?'" --Jay Leno

"Do you know that over 500 administrative staff members traveled to London with the President? Not for the summit. They just want to be out of the country during tax time." --Jay Leno

"At the big G-20 summit, President Obama met with the Chinese president, and they had the traditional exchanging of gifts. The Chinese do that. They exchange gifts. President Hu Jintao gave President Obama a gift made in China, and President Obama gave Hu a gift from America made in China." --Jay Leno

"And the U.S. government has launched a Web site to help people deal emotionally with this economic crisis. The site is for people who experience depression, crying, and anxiety. In fact, the first person to log on the Web site was Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner." --Jay Leno

"I tell you, the economy's in rough shape. It's terrible. In fact, you know Snap, Crackle, and Pop? Well, they were arrested today for selling smack, crack, and pot." --Jay Leno

"And according to MSNBC, experts say insomnia can double your risk of suicide. Well, that'll help you fall asleep." --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama made his first trip as president to England. Here is my question. If the President is in England, who's running General Motors?" --Jay Leno (What about that trip to Canada, Jay?)

"As you know by now, the government is now taking an active role in the auto business. President Obama offering hope, change, and 0 percent financing." --Jay Leno

"Actually, President Obama says that G.M. filing for bankruptcy may be the best alternative. He said that bankruptcy is a good legal tool for a company not to have to pay creditors back, which sounds great until you realize, hey wait a minute, we're the creditors! Great, so you want to help them not pay us back. I mean, even A.I.G. is going, 'Why didn't we think of this?'" --Jay Leno

"So, it's pretty crazy. Look, we're bailing out Wall Street, we're bailing out banks, we're bailing out car companies. In fact, did you know there's a special box on your tax form this year you can check if you want a portion of your taxes to actually go to running the government?" --Jay Leno

"And more embarrassment for the President. Just a few weeks after President Obama named Kansas Gov. Kathleen Sebelius as his Health and Human Services nominee, she now reveals she owes over $7,000 in back taxes. Another one owes. See, that's the difference between the two political parties right there. Republicans believe in no new taxes. Democrats believe in no old ones." --Jay Leno

"Hey, you hear about this? A voice from the past, former House Speaker Newt Gingrich, who may run for president in 2012, that's the rumor, has converted to Catholicism. So after a number of affairs, two divorces, and three marriages, how would you like to get stuck behind him for that first confession, huh?" --Jay Leno

"And China says it wants to replace the U.S. dollar with a new global currency. They want to move from a gold-based standard to a lead-based standard." --Jay Leno

President Obama is in London right now for a meeting with 19 other world leaders. This morning, he and the First Lady met Queen Elizabeth at Buckingham Palace. He gave her an iPod as a gift, which is perfect. Now she can listen to Lil Wayne on the treadmill without anyone bothering her." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Hey, happy birthday, former Vice President Al Gore, who is 61 years old. And besides being Al Gore's birthday, it is also the 116th anniversary of the invention of the zipper, both of which played a major role in the Clinton Administration." --Jay Leno

"As you know, economists have been predicting the U.S. auto industry would be in big trouble. See, that's why I have so many cars. I've been stockpiling. I was smart. I knew this would happen." --Jay Leno

"President Obama is giving General Motors 60 days to come up with strategy of viability for the American taxpayers' money. You know what G.M. should have said? 'Hey, you first.'" --Jay Leno

"Actually, President Obama guarantees that if you buy a G.M. or Chrysler product and they don't survive, they will back your warranty. Well, that's great news for consumers. Combine the efficiency of the Federal government with the honesty of car mechanics." --Jay Leno

"President Obama left for Europe today for a meeting with the major world economic powers known as the G20. Or as they're called now, 'the Chapter 11.'" --Jay Leno

"The first place President Obama landed was England. And British Prime Minister Gordon Brown told President Obama, 'Make yourself at home.' So Obama fired the head of Rolls Royce and Jaguar. He said, 'Get out.'" --Jay Leno

"See, I feel confident that it'll go well, because President Obama is very good with these economic leaders. He is a very good speaker, of course, and a good speech writer. See, the problem with President Bush was when he went to the summit, any time anyone said G20, he'd go, 'Bingo!'" --Jay Leno

"It's a great day for President Obama. He's making his first overseas trip. That first trip to Europe is a rite of passage. I wonder if Obama will be staying at hostels, getting a Eurorail pass, and finding passionate love in Paris. Well, I think Obama's trip will be hilarious, like the movie 'European Vacation' with Chevy Chase." --Craig Ferguson

"Now, I don't know if anybody here is a smoker. I hope you're not. But did you know tomorrow, the single-largest tobacco tax in history goes into effect? And I was listening to the radio. I had talk radio coming in this morning. A smoker was complaining, 'This is the worst news for smokers ever.' The worst news. Really? Gee, I remember worse news. It was called cancer. Wasn't it, huh? Wasn't that a little bit worse than an extra buck a pack?" --Jay Leno

"President Obama is asking all of us to pitch in. He says even if only 10 percent of us smoke only one pack a day, we can cut this deficit in half." --Jimmy Kimmel

"We're down to the Final Four now. And by that I mean we're down to the last four working banks in America." --Craig Ferguson

"Today, President Obama announced he is using his own money to redecorate the White House. Meanwhile, he is using taxpayers' money to redecorate the houses of A.I.G. executives." --Craig Ferguson

"Hillary Clinton set up a conference call with reporters yesterday, but when they dialed the State Dept., they were accidentally connected to a phone sex line. Which is just another way of saying Bill picked up." --Jimmy Fallon

"The Taliban has decided to modernize a little bit. They're going to stop measuring the lengths of mens' beards. I'm proud of those guys. I couldn't be happier. Oh wait, I know how I could be happier: if they stopped trying to murder us." --Jimmy Fallon

"The Taliban will no longer require women to wear those burkas while in public. Spring Break! Let's see those ankles!" --Jimmy Fallon

"Here's a sign of the times are a-changin. The governor of Virginia has signed a new law banning smoking in bars and restaurants. In Virginia. See, that’s significant because Virginia is, like, the tobacco state. That would be like the governor of California banning breast implants." --Jay Leno

"Three different customers at a grocery store in Queens, New York, all bought peppers that turned out to have bags of cocaine stuffed inside them. Well, you thought spicy food kept you up all night." --Jay Leno

"The economy is horrible, isn't it? Just horrible. Every day there are little reminders that jump right in your face and remind you how bad the economy is. This morning, I wake up, I go downstairs. The Starbucks that was in my living room has closed. I go to Barnes and Noble, every book on sale in Barnes and Noble begins on Chapter 11. My retirement fund has lost so much value, it's now a 401K-Mart." --David Letterman

David Letterman's Top Ten Signs Your Kid is in Al Qaeda:
10. His name, Mike Jenkins, now goes by Mike Bin Jenkins.
9. Runs inside for cover whenever a satellite flies overhead.
8. His chemistry tutor? Chemical Ali.
7. If he doesn't like what's for dinner, he throws a shoe at you.
6. On invitation to his birthday party, he wrote "No Kurds."
5. Hides in his room and communicates through randomly-released audiotaped messages.
4. Yearbook declares him "Most likely to defeat the American jackals in the name of Allah."
3. Asks to go to sleepaway camp in Peshawar, Pakistan.
2. Happiest day of his life: when Ayman Al Zawahiri showed up at his Bar Mitzvah.
1. Instead of Hannah Montana, he has a crush on Pooja Fallujah.

The economy is so bad:
1. I went to buy a toaster oven and they gave me a bank.
2. I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
3. CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
4. Hotwheels and Matchbox cars are now trading higher than GM.
5. Obama met with small businesses to discuss the Stimulus Package: GE, AIG, Pfizer and Citigroup.
6. McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
7. People in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
8. The most highly-paid job is now jury duty.
9. People in Africa are donating money to Americans.
10. Mothers in Ethiopia are telling their kids, "finish your plate, do you know how many kids are starving in the US ?"
11. Motel Six won't leave the light on.
12. The Mafia is laying off judges.

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry. A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong. "I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it." The blonde says, "Don 't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit. The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight. The man is astonished!! He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?" The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says..
Are you ready for this?
Are you sure?
This is bad!
You know you could just click off and not read the punch line.
You can still delete it.
You know you're gonna be sorry.
Last chance.
OK, here it is.
It says, "Hair Spray -"Restores life to dead hair and adds permanent wave."
Have a Hoppy Easter!

Three blondes died and found themselves standing before St.Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter represented. The first blonde, an American, said "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey. " St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to Hell. The second blonde, a Brit, said "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts." St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to Hell. The third blonde, a Canadian, said she knew what Easter was, and St. Peter said, "So, tell me." She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples when He was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested Him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder ... "St. Peter said, "Verrrrrry good. Hey! You other blondes get over here and listen to what Easter is all about!" Then the blonde continued, "Now, every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of hockey." St. Peter fainted.

My 10 yr old niece says her prayers every night and instead of "amen", she says "click, send."

A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling, "Read all about it. Fifty people swindled! Fifty people swindled!" Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page. Finding nothing, the man said, "There's nothing in here about fifty people being swindled." The newsboy ignored him and went on, calling out, "Read all about it. Fifty-one people swindled!"

If you need a shoulder to cry on, please pull over to the side of the road.

A young man moved into a new apartment and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to my apartment,...I hear someone coming.' He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?' Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.' Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?' Clearing his throat, he stammered. 'Outside, when you said you heard someone coming.... that was me.'

One day, while going to the store, I passed by a nursing home with six old ladies lying naked on the grass of the front lawn. I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way to the store. On my return trip, I passed the same nursing home with the same six old ladies lying naked on the lawn. This time my curiosity got the best of me, I went inside to talk to the Nursing Home Administrator. 'Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your front lawn?' 'Yes,' she said. 'They're retired prostitutes, they're having a garage sale.'

A Dog Named Sex, by Morty Storm
Everyone who has a dog calls him ’Rover’ or ‘Boy.’ I call mine ‘Sex.’ He’s a great pal, but he has caused me a great deal of embarrassment. When I went to City Hall to renew his dog licence, I told the clerk I would like a licence for Sex. He said he’d like one too. Then I said, “But this is a dog.” He said he didn’t care what she looked like. Then I said, ”But you don’t understand, I’ve had Sex since I was nine years old.” He winked and said, “You must have been quite a kid!”
When I married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said, “You don’t need a special room. As long as you pay your bill, we don’t care what you do.” I sad, “Look, you don’t seem to understand. Sex keeps me awake at night.” The clerk said, “Funny, I have the same problem.”
One day, I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there, looking disappointed. I told him I planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me I should have sold my own tickets. “But you don’t understand,” I said, “I had hoped to have Sex on TV.” He said, “Now that cable is all over the place, it’s no big deal anymore.”
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, “Your Honour, I had Sex before we were married.” The judge said, “The courtroom isn’t a confessional. Stick to the case please.” Then I told him that after I married, Sex left me. He said, “Me too.”
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over town for him. A cop came over to me and asked, “What are you doing in this alley at four o’clock in the morning?” I told him I was looking for Sex. My case comes up Friday.

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice in reviving her husband's libido. "What about trying Viagra?" asked the doctor. "Not a chance", she said. "He won't even take an aspirin!" "Not a problem," replied the doctor. "Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things go." It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress. The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!" "Really? What happened?" asked the doctor. "Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!" "Why so terrible?" asked the doctor. "Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?" "Feckin jaysus, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin here, I'll never be able to show me face in Tim Horton's again!"

My doctor is after me to lose weight by diet and exercise. I seem to be resisting a tad. I told him I have metal fillings in my teeth so my refrigerator magnets keep pulling me into the kitchen and I can’t lose weight. He told me to start my exercise program very gradually so today I drove past the store that sells sweatpants. Then he told me that the handle on my recliner does not qualify as an exercise machine. I told him I woke up early to go jogging this morning, but my toes outvoted me ten to one. He also doesn’t like my diet. I told him potato chips aren’t rubbery and blubbery like fat. They’re crispy and crunchy like lettuce so that proves they’re diet food. I told him the healthiest part of the doughnut is the hole – unfortunately, you have to eat past the rest of the doughnut to get there. I went for lunch at a restaurant and told the waiter I wanted to order a broiled skinless chicken breast, but I wanted him to bring me lasagna and garlic bread by mistake. The last time I got off the scale at my doctor’s office, he asked me what fits my busy schedule better, exercising one hour a day or being dead 24 hours a day?

In South Los Angeles, a fire destroyed a four-plex. A Nigerian family of six con artists lived on the first floor, and all six died in the fire. An Islamic group of seven Kenyan welfare cheats, all illegally in the country, lived on the second floor, and they, too, all perished in the fire. Six LA, Hispanic, Gang Banger, ex-cons lived on the 3rd floor and they too, died. One white couple lived on the top floor. The couple survived the fire. Jesse Jackson, John Burris and Al Sharpton were furious. They flew into LA and quickly demanded a meeting with the fire chief. On camera, they loudly demanded to know why the Blacks, Black Muslims and Hispanics all died in the fire and only the white couple lived. The fire chief replied, "They were at work."

Aphorisms:
1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.
2. Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.
3. If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.
4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.
5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.
8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?
9. Scratch a cat and you will have a permanent job.
10. No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.
11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.
12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM. It could be a right number.
13. No one ever says 'It's only a game.' when their team is winning.
14. I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.
15. Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to like it.
16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
17. Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies and men running around with tattoos? (And rap music will be the Golden Oldies!)
18. Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than in a Yugo.
19. After 50, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead!!
20. Always be yourself because the people that matter don't mind, and the ones who mind, don't matter.