Friday Funnies March 10 06

Rejected titles for BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN:
HIGH NOONER
JEREMIAH'S JOHNSON
TRUE, HE GRITS
POLESMOKE
THE PLEASURE OF THE SIERRA, PADRE
BUTCH ASSIDY AND THE BUNDANCE KID
THE MAN WHO SHOT ALL OVER LIBERTY VALANCE
PAINT YOUR FAG ON
HOW THE WEST WAS HUNG
THE WILD BRUNCH
HE WORE A YELLOW RIBBON
THE LEGEND OF THE LONG RANGER
DOC'S HOLIDAY WITH BILLY THE KID
VERY RAW HIDE
LONESOME DOUG
THE HOARSE SOLDIERS
DESTRY RIDES AGAIN... AND AGAIN
MCCABE AND MR. MILLER
A FISTFUL OF NEDHI, PLAINS DRIFTER!
THE MAGNIFICENT SEVEN INCHES
QUICKLY DOWN UNDER
BAREBACK MOUNTING
BONE-NANZA
DON'T MESS WITH TEX' ASS
HOME ON THE RANGER
OKLAHOMO
ROOSTER COCKBURN
LITTLE BATHHOUSE ON THE PRAIRIE
PRANCES WITH WOLVES
BALONEY PONY RODEO
TUBESTEAK COWBOYS
THE GOOD, THE BAD, AND THE FABULOUS
LASSO MY ASSO

Hustler magazine is getting ready to open the Hustler Bar & Grille in Las Vegas. Their slogan? 'When Hooters just isn't slutty enough!'

I have my own theory about global warming - it's caused by all of those Baby Boomer menopausal women and their hot flashes. (but don’t tell my wife I said that)

FEMALE GOLFING TERMS:
CADDY--2 women talking about a 3rd who isn't there to defend herself.
CHIPPING -- Time to get our nails done again.
DOUBLE BOGIE -- "Casablanca" followed by "African Queen."
FAIRWAY -- Splitting the bill when the girls go to lunch.
GOOD LIE -- Weight on our driver's license.
GREENS -- Lunch we eat when we'd really love a cheeseburger.
HOLE-IN-ONE -- Time to get new pantyhose.
IRON -- What guys need to learn to do their own shirts.
ROUGH -- Getting a guy to understand, well, pretty much anything.
SHAFT -- You watch the kids while he gets to go golfing.
SLICE -- "No thanks. . .just a sliver."
TEES -- Putting on that Victoria Secret Negligee.
WATER HAZARD -- Giving the kids too much to drink before a road trip.
WEDGE -- Bathing suit that's too tight

Do you know the difference between husbands and prisoners? Prisoners complain behind bars. Husbands complain in them.

Cynics think that God invented the orgasm so women can moan even when they are happy.

From The Gloucester Citizen:A sex line caller complained to Trading Standards. After dialing a 900 number from an advertisement entitled "Hear Me Moan" the caller was played a tape of a woman nagging her husband for failing to do jobs around the house. Consumer watchdogs in Dorset refused to look into the complaint, saying, "He got what he deserved."

A new doctor discovers that a young lady patient has crabs and doesn’t know how to give her the news. After the exam he tells her to get dressed and meet him back in his office. Once there he proceeds to tell her that she has a very unusual condition. She is quite concerned and asks him what it is. He responds that she is suffering from Nixon's Disease. She says, "What?" He again responds, "Nixon's Disease." She says, "Level with me, Doc, what does it mean?" He responds, "Well Miss Jones, to put it very bluntly, . . . you've got bugs in your oval orifice."

Sex is like going to the gas station. Sometimes you get full service, and sometimes you have to go to self-serve.

Does the career advice, "Come early on your first day" apply in the porn business?

YOU KNOW YOU'RE A NURSE WHEN...
• You believe every patient needs TLC: Thorazine, Lorazepam and Compazine.
• You believe not all patients are annoying; some are unconscious.
• Your sense of humor gets more warped each year.
• You know the phone number of every late night delivery place by heart.
• You can only tell time by the 24-hour clock.• Almost everything can seem humorous...eventually.
• Every time you walk you make a jingling noise because of all the scissors and clamps in your pocket.
• You check the caller ID on your day off to see if anyone from the hospital is trying to call you in to work.
• You've been telling stories in a restaurant and made someone at the other table throw up.
• You notice you are using more 4-letter words than you did before you started nursing.
• You can intubate your friends at parties.
• You don't get excited about blood unless it's your own.
• You live by the motto: "to be right is only half the battle; to convince the doctor is more difficult".
• You've basted your Thanksgiving day turkey with a toomey syringe.
• You've told a confused patient that your name was that of your co-worker and to holler if they need help.
• Eating microwave popcorn out of a clean bedpan is completely normal.
• Your bladder can expand to the size of a Winnebago's water tank.
• You find yourself checking out other customer's veins in grocery waiting lines.
• You can sleep soundly at the hospital cafeteria table on your dinner break and not be embarassed when you wake up.
• You avoid unhealthy-looking shoppers in the mall for fear that they will drop near you and you'll have to do CPR.
• You throw a party for a co-worker and use a clean urinal for a lemonade pitcher and a bedsheet for a table cloth.
• You have to get dressed in "real clothes" because scrubs are what you live in and why can't they make jeans that comfortable?
• You often stay awake for 24+ hours at a time when you work at night and realize you don't need alcohol or drugs to hallucinate; only lack of sleep.
• Your finger has gone places you never thought possible.
• You have seen more penises than any prostitute.
• You've sworn to have "DNR" tattooed on your chest.

A Jewish man whose mother came from one of the countless Anatevka-like Russian shtetls so many decades ago, was thrilled he could take the 87-year-old to finally see "Fiddler on the Roof." He spared no expense: best seats, limo, the works. After the show he eagerly asked: "So Mom, what did you think? Did it bring back any memories?" His mother thought for a moment and then, giving the classic Jewish mother shrug and nod, said: "Yes. But I don't remember that much singing."

This is Station OYVEH Tel Aviv, 1830 on your dial, but for you, 1825!

"Did you hear about the new Jewish mother doll on the market?" When you pull her string she says: "Oy, enough with the string already?"

In an effort to prop up lagging sales for their Barbie doll and Ken Doll line, Mattel has targeted the little Jewish girl market with Barbie dolls that reflect Jewish culture.
- Kollel Barbie comes with several jobs as her accessories and a tummy that inflates and deflates in nine month cycles. Kollel Ken comes with a bench to sit on and a table to put his gemara on. Ken's head fits perfectly into the contours of the gemorah accessory and is equipped to drool and snore away the day while Barbie tends to the babies and her 17 jobs.
- Hasidic Barbie comes with permanent stockings and is bald, but you'll never know because it's covered with a state-of-the-art shpitzel and pillbox hat. Hasidic Ken comes with downward-looking eyes because he's not allowed to look at other dolls.
- Yeshivish Barbie comes with 84 snoods, 174 hats, 24 non-Indian hair sheitels and one tichel that allows her hair to show a bit when she's feeling naughty. Yeshivish Ken comes with one suit, one crumpled hat, and one pair of tzitzis that drag on the ground.
- Modern Barbie comes with pants, plus a helmet and body armour to protect her from the stones thrown at her by ultra-orthodox Ken dolls that come with the Meah Shearim playset.
- Upper West Side Barbie comes with 74 single Ken dolls she considers friends because she doesn't think of them "that way." Little does she know that 37 of the Ken dolls have like this totally huge crush on her. She also comes with Kleenexes to wipe away the tears that she sheds every time Skipper reminds her that "Friends" is over.
These new dolls, with their controversial accessories, did not go uncontested. Several organizations, including the Anti Defamation Kollel League, the Anti Defamation Hasidic League, the Anti Defamation Yeshivish League, the Anti Defamation Modern League and the Anti Defamation Upper West Side League have voiced concern over the stereotypes these dolls represent. In a press release, Mattel said, "Tough noogies, just WAIT till we come out with Nidah Barbie, we KNOW that's gonna push some buttons!"

There are three kinds of people: successful, unsuccessful, and those who present seminars to the second about how the first do it.

The Pharoah was dictating, and his scribe was busily chipping away to carve hieroglyphics into a stone tablet. "I have plans . . . to form," the monarch said slowly, "a personal bodyguard . . . of stalwart . . and virile . . . young men." The chips flew, but then suddenly ceased flying and the perspiring chiseler looked up inquiringly, "Excuse me, your Greatness, but is virile spelled with one or two testicles?"

To be happy with a man, a woman must understand him a lot and love him little.To be happy with a woman, a man must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

A local television station in South Louisiana aired an interview with a black woman from New Orleans. The interviewer was a woman from a Boston affiliate. She asked the black woman how such total and complete devastation of the churches in the area had affected their lives. Without hesitation, the woman replied, “I don't know about all those other people, but we haven't gone to Churches in years. We gets our chicken from Popeye's.” The look on the interviewer's face was priceless.

The good news about mid-life is the glass is still half-full. Of course, the bad news is that it won't be long before your teeth are floating in it.

You're getting old when On Saturday night, when your wife mentions "Hot oil, a little friction, and squealing", you tell her you'll have the car looked at first thing on Monday morning.

I never really noticed before but I guess I really am getting older. Last week my kids pointed out that my belt line creeps up a little higher every year. They predict that in two years I’ll have to undo my fly to scratch my chest.

A woman had her husband's ashes made into an egg timer when he died so he could still "help" in the kitchen.

An Indian chief spoke to his squaw one day. "I can't stand your constant sniffling. Is there anything I can get you to give you some relief." Answered the squaw, "'tis but for a linen cloth for which I hanker, Chief."

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken Surprise". The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down. "Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband. He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down. Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation. "Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?" The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise." "Ah... so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck."