1. THE PURPOSE OF RELATIVES IS FOR YOU TO BE COMPARED UNFAVOURABLY TO THEM. "Do you realize that you are thirteen years old and have wasted the entire day playing that idiotic video game? Do you know that by the time your Uncle Arthur was nine, he was already supporting his family with two jobs, plus going to school and taking care of three sick birds and his paraplegic cousin Rivka? "Don't be smart with me, young man. Your asthmatic brother Steven, bless his heart, never opens his mouth to his parents; he knows respect; you should take a lesson. "If your Grandpa Morris was alive to see how you behave, it would kill him. Now there's a man who knew the meaning of suffering and sacrifice. I never told you this, but he once fell off a ladder, fractured his hip, and still finished out the work week because he knew his family wouldn't eat if he didn't bring home a paycheck. "Are you listening to me?"
2. BEHIND EVERY POSSIBLE FUN ACTIVITY LURKS THE PROSPECT OF SICKNESS, DISEASE, INJURY, OR DEATH. "I don't want you eating sushi; that's goyishe food. "It is not just like eating lox; lox is smoked. If you insist on bringing sushi home, at least cook the fish first. You have no idea what kinds of tapeworms and parasites you could be letting yourself in for. Next thing you know, you'll be trying to go swimming without waiting half an hour after eating. Your great-uncle Mort almost drowned that way. "And if you're at the beach, be sure to wear plenty of sunblock plus a t-shirt, and it wouldn't kill you to sit under a beach umbrella, with sunglasses and a hat. "Sex? Don't even get me started on sex. There's AIDS, social diseases, who knows what kind of jungle rot that could give you? Your uncle Phil nearly had to have his "private parts" amputated after dating some infected shiksa." "No, I don't mind if you go to the party. Just don't drink anything. They spike the punch, you know. Then I'll get a call that you've wrapped the Camry around a tree. And don't have any of the food, either. You never know." "Okay, sweetheart. Goodbye. I love you. Have fun. Be home by ten."
3. YOUR HUNGER LEVEL IS DETERMINED BY THE MISFORTUNES OF CHILDREN IN OTHER COUNTRIES. "Can't finish your brisket? Better eat it all; children are starving in China." I offered to send the remainder of my brisket to the starving Chinese children. My mother responded, "That's not funny." I agreed with her; I was serious. It wasn't hard to envision Federal Express planes carrying tons of ungrateful Jewish children's leftover brisket to Shanghai. Perhaps I could even include a note: "Dear Chun Lee, please enjoy my leftover brisket, courtesy of my mother, Shirley, who assures me that you will appreciate it far more than some spoiled rotten Jewish children who have no idea how good they have it and would thank their lucky stars they're living in America if they spent even one day in some Third World country where you couldn't even find a box of matzoh if your life depended on it. You might want to heat it up a little first. And by the way, next month you can look forward to some nice chopped liver, made from unappreciated liver and onions."
4. DATING A NON-JEW WOULD BE AN UNSPEAKABLE CATASTROPHE, AND PERHAPS EVEN BRING ABOUT THE END OF CIVILIZATION. "Do you want to be responsible for the wholesale destruction of the Jewish people? Is that what you want? Would that make you happy? Because it would kill your father and me. "What, there aren't enough smart, good-looking, responsible, family-oriented Jewish girls in your synagogue youth group? A shiksa (non-Jewish girl) will only want you for your money. And she'll cheat on you, too. Plus, they have no taste. Do you know they eat Wonder Bread with mayonnaise and bologna? "Is that the diet you want to have? Is that the diet you want your children to have?" "And how will you raise your kids? They'll have no identity. The Jews will die out, as a result of your stubborn refusal to date a nice Jewish girl. "Is that what you want? To bring about the end of your people? Very smart. What did I do to deserve this? Haven't I always given you everything you wanted? Let it be on your head. And sit up straight. You want to have back problems when you get older?" 5. GOOD FURNITURE LASTS MUCH LONGER IF YOU NEVER USE IT. "Why do we keep plastic covers on the couch and chairs? Because they're for company only, not for daily use. If you have to sit during non-company times, choose another couch or chair. Why? Oh, I don't know, maybe it's because we don't want dog and grape jelly stains all over our fine furniture for our guests, after your father has worked his fingers to the bone earning the money so we'll have a nice home, not that you've noticed. Maybe we don't want springs and stuffing to be poking through. Maybe we'd like to have at least one room in this house that doesn't look like Arnold Schwarzenegger had a riot in it. Maybe we'd like to have one piece of furniture that our pets and kids don't cause to disintegrate. If that makes us mean or weird or unfair, so be it. Now, get off the couch. And go wash up. I made brisket."
Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
The nice part about living in a small town: When you don't know what you're doing, someone else always does.
Someone asked me, “Are you into heath and wellness?” I replied, ”Well, yes, but I’d much rather be into wealth and hellness!”
They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "Listen fatty....do it and die."
Top News Stories for the Year 2035
1. Fidel Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally but President Clinton has banned all smoking -- --damn you, Chelsea!
2. Spotted Owl plague threatens Western American crops and livestock.
3. Hunt continues for Osama bin Laden; believed sighted at Yassar Arafat's tomb in Detroit.
4. 35-year study proclaims diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.
5. Texas executes last remaining citizen.
6. Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants.
7. Baby conceived naturally -- scientists stumped.
8. Authentic year 2000 Florida "chad" sells at Sotheby's for $4.6 million.
9. Ozone created by electric cars kills thousands in Los Angeles.
10. In sports news: Average height of NBA players now 9'7". Baseball players threaten to strike.
11. New California law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers and baseball bats be registered by January 2036.
12. Colorado motorist arrested for not driving SUV.
13. Average worker's weekly Social Security (FICA) contribution hits $2,000. Protests planned.
14. Congressman Gary Condit still missing.
15. Senator Strom Thurmond remains dead; but continues to cast votes.
16. White House demands Saddam Hussein's resignation for 748th time. No response.
17. Oprah Winfrey, nearing retirement, buys Illinois.
18. Spam, called ‘worse than it ever has been,’ is ruining the online experience. Congress considering a law to tax it.
A bra that can make a woman's boobs grow bigger is now available in Britain. The Brava bra uses two plastic domes to create a vacuum tension on the flesh that stimulates permanent tissue growth. It has to be worn 10 hours a day for 10 weeks to work properly - and makers say it will boost by a cup size. Why do I get the feeling that a lot of guys are going to be using it as a jockstrap?
What do you call a prostitute with her hand in her panties? Self employed.
What's the favorite TV show in Arkansas? Touched By An Uncle.
Did you hear about the prostitute who was into bondage? She was strapped for cash.
Did you hear about the masochistic homosexual? He was sucker for punishment.
How do you know your mechanic has just had sex? One of his fingers is clean.
While vacationing in the hills of Alabama, the big city man discovered he had no writing paper at all for his personal correspondence. He went into the small town near-by and found only an old-fashioned country store. Behind the counter was a really nice looking young lass, quite obviously a local farm girl. He asked, "Do you keep stationery?" "Well," she giggled, "I can... until I have an orgasm, then I just go plain wild and crazy!"
The man looked a little worried when the doctor came in to administer his annual physical, so the first thing the doctor did was to ask whether anything was troubling him. "Well, to tell the truth, Doc, yes," answered the patient. "You see, I seem to be getting forgetful. No, it's actually worse than that. I can never remember where I park my car, where I'm going, or what it is I'm going to do once I get there -- if I get there. So, I really need your help. What can I do?" The doctor mused for a moment, then answered in his kindest tones, "Pay me in advance."
A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog, picks the dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out, 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'"
Tiger Woods says the best way to resolve the membership debate at Augusta National is to hash it out in private. The chances of that happening are remote. Martha Burk, head of the National Council of Women's Organizations, sent the club a letter in June asking it to add a female member so its all-male membership does not become an issue at the 2003
Masters. Augusta chairman Hootie Johnson replied that Augusta would not be bullied into having a female member.
But Tiger responded on Wednesday, saying, "There's no substitute for looking someone in the eye". --- Yeah, like Hootie would be looking at her EYE!
"We've heard that a million monkeys at a million keyboards could produce the 'Complete Works of Shakespeare'; now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true." - Robert Wilensky, University of California
Mr. Peterson, a tourist from Toronto arrived in Israel to go to a Dead Sea spa. In the limousine on the way to the spa, he asked the driver. "Say, is this really a healthful place?" "It sure is," the driver replied. "When I came here I couldn't say one word, I had hardly any hair on my head, I didn't have the strength to walk across a room, and I had to be lifted out of bed."
"That's wonderful!" said the tourist, "How long have you been here?" "I was born here."
Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia.
My wife is very absorbed in a hot new book – Women Are From Venus, Men Are Wrong!
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.
If you are a dog and your owner suggests that you wear a sweater, suggest that he wear a tail." - Fran Lebowitz
A man saw President Clinton smoking a pipe and said, "Hey Bill, I thought you were a cigar man." President Clinton responded, "Cigars are for pussies!"
What two words have the most letters in it? Post Office
What's the difference between a psychologist and a magician? A psychologist pulls habits out of rats...
Going to bed with a woman never hurt a ballplayer. It's staying up all night looking for them that does you in. -Casey Stengel
While driving down the road a motorist saw a fortuneteller at a roadside stand sitting under an umbrella smiling and laughing. The motorist passed on by but then he spun his car around and sped back toward the still-laughing fortuneteller, pulled up next to the woman and suddenly began slapping and beating her. A policeman passing by screeched to a stop and wrestled the man to the ground. After cuffing the man he stood him up and asked him, "What do you think you're doing?" After a moment the man replied, "Well, I've always wanted to strike a happy medium."
A Texan, a Canadian, and a guy from Buffalo are out riding horses. The Texan pulls out an expensive bottle of whiskey, takes a shot, then another, and suddenly throws the bottle in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the bottle in mid air. The Canadian looks at him and says, "What are you doing?! That was a perfectly good bottle of whiskey!" The Texan says,"In Texas, there's plenty of whiskey and bottles are cheap." A while later, not wanting to be outdone the Canadian pulls out a bottle of champagne, takes a few sips, throws the bottle in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots it. The guy from Buffalo can't believe this and says, "What did you do that for? That was an expensive bottle of Champagne!" The Canadian says, "In Canada there's plenty of Champagne and bottles are cheap." So a while later the guy from Buffalo pulls out a bottle of beer. He opens it, takes a sip, takes another sip, and then chugs the rest. He then puts the bottle back in his saddlebag, pulls out his gun, turns around and shoots the Canadian. The Texan, shocked, says, "Why did you do that!" The guy from Buffalo says, "Well, in Buffalo, we have plenty of Canadians, but bottles are worth a nickel."
A streaker who interrupted an ice hockey game in Calgary last week had to be taken away on a stretcher after falling badly. The man climbed over the glass during a stoppage in play in the match between the Boston Bruins and the Calgary Flames. Wearing only a pair of red socks, he slipped when his feet touched the ice and landed hard on his back. He was apparently knocked unconscious when he banged his head on the ice and lay motionless. He was removed on a stretcher to a loud ovation from the crowd of 15,000, but regained consciousness in time to give the two thumbs up and punch the air. Now that’s Canadian!
I was at a stoplight, behind a car with a bumper sticker that said, "Honk if you love Jesus." Caught up in the moment, I honked my horn. The driver leaned out his window, flipped me the bird, and yelled, "Can't you see the light is still red, you fucking moron?"
Contrary to popular belief, it wasn't the apple on the tree that got us banished from Paradise, it was the pair on the ground.
Buoyant Iraqi President Saddam Hussein marked his "perfect" election by issuing an amnesty for most of the country’s prisoners, aiming to rally support in the face of U.S. efforts to topple him. “In Iraq they don't have hanging chads, they just have hangings." - Colin Powell
A judge dismissed a drug charge against actress Winona Ryder and rescheduled her trial for Oct. 24 on three remainingfelony counts from her shoplifting arrest. Meanwhile, Winona is pawning off possessions to pay legal bills - a new gavel, a new black robe, a new Bible...
Three of the nation's top retailers said they had refused to carry a new video game billed as the first major release tofeature full-action nudity and with prostitutes and pimps as major characters. Using the tagline "Keep it Dirty," videogame publisher Acclaim Entertainment Inc. is gearing up for the Nov. 19 launch of "BMX XXX.". Recommended for young boys who can handle TWO joysticks!
A street performer was taken to the hospital with burns on his face. Using only gestures, he explained to the Doctor that someone in the crowd was unhappy with his act and attacked him with pepper spray, which apparently reacted with his white face paint and caused the burns. The Doctor shook his head and said, "A Mime is a terrible thing to mace."
A new baby in the maternity ward said to the little babe lying next to him, 'I’m a boy!' The other baby said, 'How do you know that??' 'Well, it's under the blanket.' 'Show me! Show me!' 'ShhT! Wait till the nurses are gone...' A few minutes later: 'I can show you now. Watch!' Slowly the baby lifted up his blanket, the other baby peeking under it. 'Can you see it?' The first one said, 'You see it, down there?' 'But WHAT should I see?' He said, 'I'm wearing blue socks!!' A man who absolutely hated his wife's cat decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day, he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away and the same again. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat! He kept taking the cat further and further and the darn cat would always beat him home. At last, he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there. Hours later, the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?" "Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?" Frustrated, the man answered: "Put that son of a bitch on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!" A man showed up at the hospital all battered and bruised. As he was being treated for his injuries, the Doctor asked him what had happened. The man replied, 'Well, I'm always late and this makes the people I ride to work with very angry. I was really late this morning and the others couldn't take it any more, so they beat me up .'The Doctor nodded, made a note on the chart and said, 'We see this all time.' After the Doctor left, the man was curious to see what he had written and took a look at his chart. There, under Diagnosis, the Doctor had scribbled, 'Patient suffers from Car Pool Pummel Syndrome.' A man was on the verge of despair because he had never been able to train his dog. He bemoaned this fact to a friend who was a very charismatic American evangelist. The friend told him to leave the dog with him, and he would have it trained in a jiffy. The next day the man returns, and asks how the evangelist got on. The reply was positive, and the evangelist calls the dog to give a demonstration. Picking up a stick, he throws it and says, "Fetch." Instantly the dog takes off, grabs the stick and returns. The evangelist says, "Drop" and the dog drops the stick at his feet. "Roll over," and the dog rolls over. By this time the dog's owner is very excited, and asks if he can have a go. "Sure," replies the evangelist. "Heel!" says the owner and the dog lifts one paw, places it on the man's forehead and says, "I command this sickness to leave you!"
All About Viagra:
Viagra has been a big boon to 'stand up' comedians. A man spent too much money on Viagra: Now, he's hard up. Viagra in chocolate bars - you eat it, she says, "Oh Henry!" A bank sign in Dallas during this heat wave complains: "Who put Viagra in the thermometer?" A self-rising bread with Viagra as an added ingredient is being marketed through a Boston bakery under the name "Pepperidge Firm". Did you hear about the first death from an overdose of Viagra? A man took twelve pills and his wife died. A man at the pharmacy to pick up his Viagra prescription exclaimed over the $10/pill price. His wife, who was with him, had a different opinion: "Oh, $40 a year isn't too bad." Have you tried the new hot beverage, Viagraccino? One cup and you're up all night. The Viagra computer virus turns your floppy disk into a hard drive. The Viagra Super virus then sucks all your data off the hard drive. If you're depressed and think you might need Viagra, seea professional. If that doesn't work, see a doctor! A guy named Dave emailed us that he left his Viagra tablet in his shirt pocket when he sent it to the laundry. Now, his shirt is too stiff to wear. We received the report today that it is no longer necessary to stake tomato plants. Just dissolve a Viagra tablet in the water and they stand up straight and tall. Viagra is now being compared to Disneyland - a one-hour wait for a 2-minute ride. Dan Quayle does not support Viagra. Quote: "I've been using this stuff for a week and NOTHING!It's the worst suppository I've ever used." Men taking iron supplements are warned that taking Viagra may cause them to spin around and point north. Rumor has it that when a truck carrying a load of Viagra slid off into the Ohio River, all the lift bridges suddenly went up. New plans are being made to raise the Titanic. Experts plan to pump it full of Viagra, and expect it to raise right up. For years the medical professional has been looking after the ill, to make them better. Now, with Viagra, they're raising the dead! The difference between Niagara and Viagra? Niagara Falls. It's been said that if you take Viagra and Propecia (or use Rogain) at the same time, things work great -- but you look like Don King, afterward. A Viagra delivery truck was high-jacked: The police are looking for two 'hardened criminals'. They expect a stiff penalty under the penal code. Unconfirmed but frequent reports tell us that a man who overdosed on Viagra caused the funeral home problems - they couldn't close his coffin lid for 3 days. Even so, we're told that the funeral home industry is happy about Viagra overdoses: Lots of new stiffs means an upswing in business. The nursing home that gives viagra to its male patients to prevent them rolling out of bed!
What do you get when you cross a cat and a turkey? A pussy gobbler. When a bi-sexual goes missing how do you find them? You put their picture on a carton of Half & Half? Why did the Avon Lady walk funny? Her lips stick.
Two doctors were hunting when they spotted an owl sleeping. The first doc said, "I bet I can take out that owl's tonsils and he won't even wake up. "He proceeded to take out the owl's tonsils and sure enough, the owl didn't awaken. The second doc said, "I bet I can cut out the owls balls and he won't even wake up. "He proceeded to cut out the owl's balls and sure enough, the owl didn't wake. Two weeks later the owl was flying around with another owl looking for a place to rest. The friend owl spotted a tree and said, "Let's rest over there." The first owl said, "NO WAY... Two weeks ago I perched in that tree and ever since, I can't hoot worth a fuck and can't fuck worth a hoot!"
A classy young lady goes to a new doctor for an examination, and he discovers that she has crabs. After the exam he tells her to get dressed and meet him back in his office. Once there, afraid to tell her straight out, he tells her she is suffering from Nixon's Disease. She says, "What?" He again responds, "Nixon's Disease." She says, "Level with me, Doc, what does it mean?" He responds, "Well Miss Jones, to put it very bluntly, you've got bugs in your oval orifice."
I went to the 30th reunion of my preschool. I didn't want to go, because I've put on like a hundred pounds. - Wendy Liebman A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together. After the man received the full treatment - shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc. - he placed the boy in the chair. "I'm goin' to buy a green tie to wear for the parade," he said. "I'll be back in a few minutes." When the boy's haircut was completed and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said, "Looks like your daddy's forgotten all about you." "That wasn't my daddy," said the boy. "He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, 'Come on, son, we're gonna get a free haircut!'"
Scene: The finish line of the famous Venice Canal swim race. A newspaper reporter is interviewing Paulo, who was favored to win the race. Reporter: "Paulo, you were favored to win today's Venice Canal race by a 1/4 mile; this wasn't even supposed to challenge you. Why then did you finish dead last, shocking your fans?" Paulo: "Well, at the start I was in the lead, and taking it easy, knowing there was no one in reach of me. As I passed under the first bridge, Angelina was standing on top of it, rubbing her hips, and looking very sexy." "She was calling to me, saying, 'Paulo, I am yours when you finish the race.' This started to get me excited, my swim suit was getting uncomfortable." "The next bridge I passed under, the beautiful Sabrina was standing on the bridge. She had her shirt off, and was fondling her large breasts, saying, 'these are for you when you finish the race, Paulo.'" "I was now dragging in the mud. The other swimmers were now in sight, but I swam on." "The third bridge I passed under, the naked Carmella was standing on it. She was rubbing her body, and calling to me, saying, 'I am yours when you finish the race, Paulo, I want you so bad.' " This was it, I was now stuck in the mud, all the other swimmers passed me, and I was sad to let down my fans. I didn't know what to do." Reporter: "But Paulo, why didn't you try the backstroke?" Paulo: "Ah, but what of the bridges?"
The Next Survivor Show: Six married men will be dropped on an island with 1 car and 4 kids' each, for 6 weeks. Each kid plays two sports and either takes music or dance classes. There is no access to fast food. Each man must take care of his 4 kids, keep his assigned house clean, correct all homework, complete science projects, cook, do laundry, etc. The men only have access to television when the kids are asleep and all chores are done. There is only one TV between them and there is no remote. The men must shave their legs and wear makeup daily, which they must apply themselves, either while driving or while making four lunches. They must attend weekly PTA meetings; clean up after their sick children at 3:00 A.M; make an Indian hut model with six toothpicks, a tortilla and one marker; and get a 4 year old to eat a serving of peas. The kids vote them off the island, based on performance. The last man wins only if he has enough energy to be intimate with his spouse at a moment's notice. If the last man does win, he can play the game over and over again for the next 18-25 years - eventually earning the right to be called "Mother."
The lovely town of Aberdeen is known for many things, not the least of which is the penchant of its citizens for being even more thrifty than your average Scot, some say to the point of being downright mean. An Englishman who was opening up a new pub in the town decided to take advantage of this trait when he ran a special Grand Opening Centennial Day at the pub where the price of ale would be rolled back to what it was one hundred years earlier – a penny a pint. The event was very well advertised and it was to the great dismay of the owner that at opening time there was no queue and indeed that by two p. m. there was still not a soul in the place. As he was lamenting the lack of patrons to Angus the bartender, a local fellow, he asked, “Do you think it’s because I’m English, Angus?”. Angus replied, “Och! No! I would’na worry, sir. They’re just waiting for Happy Hour!” The Pope is visiting town and all the residents are dressed up in their best Sunday clothes. Everyone lines up on main street hoping for a personal blessing from the Pope. One local man has put on his best suit and he's sure the Pope will stop and talk to him. He is standing next to an exceptionally down-trodden looking bum who doesn't smell very good. As the Pope comes walking by he leans over and says something to the bum and then walks right by the local man. He can't believe it, then it hits him. The Pope won't talk to him, he's concerned for the unfortunate people: the poor and and feeble ones. Thinking fast, he gives the bum $20 to trade clothes with him. He puts on the bum's clothing and runs down the street to line up for another chance for the Pope to stop and talk to him. Sure enough, the Pope walks right up to him this time, leans over close and says, "I thought I told you to get the hell out of here!" An American minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he talked with the organist to see what kind of inspirational music she could play after the announcement about the finances to get the congregation in a giving mood. "Don't worry," she said. "I'll think of something." During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up." Just at that moment, the organist started playing, "The Star Spangled Banner."
A Hollywood actress of note
Bought an expensive fur coat
They said it was mink
But it wasn't, I think
From the smell it was Angora goat. There once was a girl from Sidney Who could take it right up to her kidney But a guy from Quebec Shoved it up to her neck He had a long one, now didn't he. A soldier known only as Sarge Had sex with a hooker named Marge Though only a grunt He assaulted her cunt And gave her a hon'rable discharge. On the banks of the Thames stood lord Buckingham Dreaming of tits and of sucking them While watching the stunts Of the cunts in the punts And the tricks of the pricks who were fuckin' 'em Two school-kids around Aberystwyth Made love with the lips that they kissed with But as they got older They also grew bolder Making love with the things that they pissed with
What do blowjobs and flowers have in common? After the first year they’re only given on special occasions!
The Ajax man, the Maytag man and Mr. Clean are all bachelors. And that, my friends, is proof that women prefer men who talk dirty! A cocktail party is an affair where a man gets stiff, a woman gets tight, and they return home to find that neither is either. If you could dream up a brand-new colour, would it be a pigment of your imagination? The following is a précis of an article by Bob Weeks of SCORE Golf Magazine: Golfers north of the 49th parallel are a distinct bunch with our own nuances and individualities. We are considered the most avid golfing nation percentage-wise with almost 20 per cent of all adult Canadians playing at least one round of golf last year. When foreigners are surprised at how many great courses we have, we say, “It gives us something to do when we are not hunting caribou or re-shingling the igloo.” Of course now that November is here, we have to wait for the Zamboni to clear the greens before we tee off. Just to prove to anyone who doubts that Canadian golf is a distinct society, here are 25 ways to tell if you’re a true Canadian golfer: -You’ve played golf wearing a toque (and of course, you know what a toque is) and long underwear. -You have no idea who is leading the weekly Tour stop, but you know exactly what Mike Weir and Lorie Kane shot. -You are either a left-handed golfer or you have played in a foursome with three lefties. -When you take a seven on any hole you cal it a hockey stick or a Phil Esposito. -You know the last time a Canadian won the Open was in1954. You know what the Leaf Rule is. -You own a pair of cart mitts. -You are proud that the Mulligan is a Canadian invention. -You will pay large amounts of money or sit for hours in front of your TV to watch Wayne Gretzky play golf. -You know that Stanley Thompson taught Robert Trent Jones everything. -You know that Jack Nicklaus never won the Canadian Open, but finished second seven times. -You know that Arnold Palmer made the Open his first pro victory. -At one time in your life you owned a Canada Cup golf ball. -You know that the first golf course to cost more than $1 million to build was Banff Springs. -You have seen Moe Norman put on one of his amazing golf exhibitions. -You know the only time golf was in the Olympics, a Canadian, George S. Lyon, won gold. -You refer to a three-putt as stick-handling. -Whenever anyone mentions players like Steve Stricker, Stuart Appleby or Chris DiMarco, you immediately add,”…who played the Canadian Tour.” -You’ve marked your ball with a Toonie. -Your golf season has an off-season in which you look longingly at your clubs sitting in the corner and agonizingly at the snow building up outside. -When someone refers to George, you don’t have to ask for a last name. -You are quick to remind your American friends that golf in North America started at the Royal Montreal Golf Club. -You have at least one brochure for winter golf getaways in your home. -Even if only in secret, you’ve tried the Mike Weir waggle. -You know that SCORE magazine has nothing to do with X-rated pictures! Chuck Yeager, the 79-year-old legendary test pilot has broken the sound barrier for what he said was the last time, more than a half-century after he became the first person to accomplish the feat. Yeager opened an air show at Edwards Air Force Base in California and took an F-15 Eagle to just over 30,000 feet. Of course these days he can’t see over the dashboard and he had his left signal on the whole time! Patrick got home in the early hours of the morning after a night at the local pub. He made such a racket knocking into the furniture as he weaved his way through the house, that he woke up the missus. "What on earth are you doing down there?" she yelled down from the bedroom. "Get yourself up here to bed and don't wake up the neighbours!" "I'm trying to get a barrel of Guinness up the stairs," he shouted. "Leave it 'till the morning," she shouted down. "I can't," he said, "I've drank it." Last week my wife and I purchased a new computer. We ran into some difficulties while setting it up so we decided to call the customer support phone number we found in the manual. I picked up the phone and called the number. A man answered the phone and I explained the problem to him. He began rattling off computer jargon. This confused us even more. "Sir," I said politely, "Can you explain what I should do as if I were a small child?" "Okay," the computer support guy said, "Son, could you please put your mommy on the phone?" An 80 year-old man who was an avid golfer moved to a new town and joined the local Country Club. A man in his forties said he would play with him and would even give him a 12-stroke handicap. The 80 year old said, "Thanks, but I really don't need a handicap. The only real problem I have is getting out of sand traps." And he did play well. Coming onto the 18th the two men were within two strokes of each other. Then it happened. The old man had a long drive, but it landed in one of the sand traps around the hole. Grumbling as he stepped into the sand trap, he then hit a very high ball, which landed on the green and rolled into the hole. The younger man was impressed and puzzled. "Nice shot but I thought you said you have a problem getting out of sand traps?" Replied the old man, "I do! Could you give me a hand." THOUGHT-PROVOKING; by Dick Wolfsie (boy does this one seem familiar somehow)My wife was bragging about me the other day. Mary Ellen teaches a course on advertising at Butler University and apparently she told her class that her husband was a divergent thinker. There was some polite applause at her solid choice for a mate and more than a few co-eds expressed hope that they would be so lucky in their own love lives. When I first heard about it, I was so overjoyed, so appreciative, that I took my wife out for an expensive dinner, bought a pricey bottle of wine and romanced her like I had never romanced her before. But it didn't work. I still didn't have any idea what a divergent thinker was. I tried prying it out of her… "Mary Ellen, could you just give me a hint?" "Well, Dick. I could give you lots of hints, but it wouldn't mean anything. You still wouldn't understand. That's what makes you a divergent thinker. Clues don't help you. Even with clues, you're clueless. "Huh?" "You are not capable of taking a series of ideas and coming to a conclusion. That is convergent thinking. You, on the other hand, are a divergent thinker. In strict psychological terms you find it difficult to extrapolate a series of seemingly unrelated data and construct a viable conclusion based on the information in your purview. You can't focus on one correct answer. You are weak in inductive and deductive reasoning, inquiry and logic." "Please, what does this mean in English?" "Dizzy, Dick. You are dizzy." I thought about all the times I've forgotten where I parked the car, the fact that I can't read a map, that I can't follow directions in a manual, that I am always losing my keys, that I sometimes forget why I went to the store, or who I'm calling on the phone. Okay, fine. I admit all this, but where does she come off calling me dizzy? "Look, Dick," she continued. "As much as I love you, I don't think we should go to the movies together anymore. You never understand any of the plots. You start asking me dumb questions two minutes after we sit down. "Well, sometimes you don't know the answers, either." "That's because we are watching the previews, Dick. Then the movie starts and you ask me whether we know the couple in front of us, whether I have butter on my popcorn, why popcorn is so expensive, where we are going for dinner, in what other movie have we seen that actor, if next time we can sit farther back. All this while I'm trying to do something else." "What are you doing that is so important?" "Watching the movie, Dick. I am watching the movie." "I didn't know you were that focused. Isn't that bad for your blood pressure?" "Look, Dick, there are some advantages to being a divergent thinker. You probably could think of fifteen different ways to use a shoetree other than putting it in a shoe. I am sure that if we were shipwrecked on a deserted island you could find a way to use my undergarments to catch fish." "Wow, and I was just beginning to get down on myself. Thanks for the pep talk." "Focus, Dick, focus. You'll be a better person." The last few days I've tried not to be dizzy. I have tried to focus on the task at hand. I've concentrated on everything around me and I have avoided being distracted by extraneous events. Most of all, I have committed myself to staying interested in what I am doing so that Down South, Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is it true they're suing the cigarette companies for causing people to get cancer? "Yes, Bubba, sure is true," responded the lawyer. "And now someone is suing the fast food restaurants for making them fat and clogging their arteries with all them burgers and fries, is that true mister lawyer?" "Sure is Bubba. But why you asking?" "Cause what I want to know is, I was thinkin' can I sue Budweiser for all the ugly women I've slept with?" A young lady visiting her new doctor for the first time found herself alone in a small waiting room. She began undressing nervously, preparing herself for the upcoming examination. Just as she draped the last of her garments over the back of a chair, a light rap sounded on the door and the doctor walked in. Coming to an abrupt halt, he looked the voluptuous patient up and down carefully. "Miss Vanderhorn," he said, "I just can’t imagine who was your former optometrist!" The old town blacksmith realised he couldn't work so hard anymore. He picked out strong young Bill to become his apprentice. The old fellow was impatient and exacting. "Don't ask me a lot of questions," he told Bill, "Just do whatever I tell you to do." One day the old blacksmith took an iron out of the forge and laid it on the anvil. "Get the hammer over there," he said. "When I nod my head, hit it real good and hard." After his visit to Emerge, the old fellow is looking for a new apprentice. THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK: Indubitably, Innovative, Preliminary, Proliferation, Cinnamon. THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK: Specificity, British Constitution, Loquacious, Transubstantiate. THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK: Thanks, but I don't want to have sex. Nope, no more booze for me. Sorry, but you're not really my type. Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight. Oh, I just couldn't....No one wants to hear me sing. There's a guy who owns a parrot who never talks. So he goes to the pet shop to get some advice. The pet shop owner says he knows exactly what the problem is. "Your parrot has too much hook in it's beak, what you have to do is file its beak back and it will be able to talk just fine. You've got to be careful not to file it too far though, because if you take too much off the bird will drown the first time it has a drink." The parrot owner asks how much the pet shop guy charges to do this beak modification and he says $100. So the parrot fancier decides he'll do it himself. A week or so later they bump into one another in the street. The pet shop guy inquires how the parrot is and whether it is talking yet? The parrot owner says "the parrots dead". Pet shop guy says "I told you not to file the beak back too far, did he drown when he had a drink?". Ex-parrot owner says "Heck no, he was dead before I got him out of the vice!!" A guy sees a buddy and notices that his friend's car is total wreck. It is covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood. He asks his friend, "So what the heck happened to your car?" "Well," the friend responses, "I ran into a lawyer". "OK," says the man, "that explains the blood... But what about the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?" "Well, I had to chase him all through the park." According to lead singer Mick Jagger, "Either we stay at home and become pillars of the community, or we go out and tour. We couldn't really find any communities that still needed pillars." Keith Richards piped in.... well, sorry, but no one could understand what Keith piped in with, as Ron Wood wiped the drool from his chin. Some Stones songs have had to be revised for a more age-appropriate theme: "Under My Gums" "Dye It Black" "Let's Take a Nap Together" "You Can't Always Get What You Want, Without A Prescription" "I Can't Get No . . . Health Insurance" "Pain in My Heart - Where's My Nitro?" "Hey! You! Get Off Of My Lawn!" "Jumpin' Jack Flash (I've Got Gas, Gas, Gas)" "Sister Motrin" "Sleep Fighting Man" "Help Me Up" "It's All Over Now, Just Pull The Plug" "Time Is On My Side (Well, Maybe Not)"
"You Can't Always Pee When You Want"The tour is sponsored by Poli-Grip, Geritol and Depends.
Other bands and singers have likewise re-released their great hits with new lyrics to accommodate their aging audience. Some examples:
Herman's Hermits: "Mrs. Brown You've Got a Lovely Walker"
Creedence Clearwater Revival: "Bad Prune Rising"
Marvin Gaye: "I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts"
The Who: "Talkin' 'Bout My Medication"
The Troggs: "Bald Thing"
Carly Simon: "You're So Varicose Vein"
The Bee Gees: "How Can You Mend a Broken Hip"
Roberta Flack: "The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face"
Johnny Nash: "I Can't See Clearly Now"
The Temptations: "Papa Got a Kidney Stone"
ABBA: "Denture Queen"
Leo Sayer: "You Make Me Feel Like Napping"
Commodores: "Once, Twice, Three Trips to the Bathroom"
Procol Harem: "A Whiter Shade of Hair"
The Beatles: "I Get By With a Little Help From Depends A policeman pulled a car over and told the driver he had won $5,000 dollars in the seatbelt competition. "What are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman. "Well, I guess I'm going to get a drivers license", he answered. "Oh, don't listen to him," said a woman in the passenger seat, "He's a smart aleck when he's drunk." Then the guy in the backseat said, "I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car." At that moment there was a knock from the trunk and a voice said, "Are we over the border yet?" You Know You're From Ontario When.... 1 - Vacation means going to Wasaga for the weekend. 2 - You measure distance in hours. 3 - You often switch from 'heat' to 'A/C' in the same day. 4 - You know several people who have hit deer more than once. 5 - You use a down comforter in the summer. 6 - Your grandparents drove 60 mph through 6 inches of fresh snow in a blizzard, just to visit relatives 50 miles away. 7 - You carry jumper cables in your car and your wife/girlfriend knows how to use them. 8 - You make your kid's Halloween costume big enough to fit over a snowsuit. 9 - Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled. 10- You know all 4 seasons - almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction. 11- You actually understand all of these and forward them to family and friends who no longer live in Ontario. An Oldie Goldie:A first grade teacher, Ms Brooks was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry what is your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first Grade. My sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade too!" Ms Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms Brooks he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test. Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Harry: "9". Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Harry: "36". And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grade should know. The principal looks at Ms Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the third grade." Ms Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The principal and Harry both agree. Ms Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of? Harry, after a moment "Legs." Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" Harry: "Pockets." Ms Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Harry: "Pants" Ms Brooks: What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid? Harry: “Coconut” Ms Brooks: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky? The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry was taking charge. Harry: “Bubblegum” Ms Brooks: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs? The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer... Harry: Shake hands. Ms Brooks: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay? Harry: Yep. Ms Brooks: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do. Harry: “Tent” Ms Brooks: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. The Principal was looking restless and a bit tense. Harry: “Wedding Ring” Ms Brooks: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good. Harry: “Nose” Ms Brooks: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver. Harry: "Arrow" Ms Brooks: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement? Harry: “Firetruck” The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher, "Send Harry to university, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!" Two guys are discussing one's upcoming wedding. "I'm not sure if my future bride is a virgin or not." His buddy replies, "Oh, there's an easy test for that. All you need is some red paint, some blue paint and a shovel. You paint one ball red and one ball blue. On your honeymoon, if she laughs and says, 'Those are the funniest balls I've ever seen!' you hit her with the shovel! The English still keep up the skill of fine letter writing as evidenced by the following irate cable customer.Dear Cretins: I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your three-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem and telephone. During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service, which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties -- or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office. My initial installation was canceled without warning, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website. HOW? I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes -- an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept. The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools -- such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over four weeks my modem arrived, six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it. I estimate your internet servers downtime is roughly 35%-- the hours between about 6 pm and midnight, Monday through Friday, and most of the weekend. I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made nine calls on my mobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled bollock jugglers. I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off); that I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an answering machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman. And several other variations on this theme. Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially important testicle moments to attend to. Frankly I don't care. It's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustrations in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me, therefore, if I continue. I thought BritishTelecom was shit; that they had attained the holy piss-pot of god-awful customer relations; and that no one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum incompetents of the highest order. BT -- wankers though they are -- shine like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver. Any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief -- and will quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused rage. I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cat's litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit -- they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless employees. Have a nice day. May it be the last in your miserable short life, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats. Several years ago, the Catholic Church required women to wear a head covering in order to enter the sanctuary. One Sunday a lady arrived without her head covering. The priest informs her that she cannot enter without it. A few moments later, the lady re-appears wearing her blouse tied to her head. The shocked priest says, "Madam, I cannot allow you to enter this holy place without your wearing a blouse." "But Father, I have a divine right," she informs him. "Yes, I see," he said, "And your left one isn't bad either, but you still must wear a blouse to enter!"
Bats always turn left when exiting a cave. (You can fill in the line about your mother-in-law)
You know you live in San Francisco when your home computer contains mostly hardware/software that is not on the consumer market yet.
An ad agency and their brewing company client are planning on reviving a once very popular advertising campaign. The plan is to use the same, but now aged, critters to appeal to the middle aged beer drinker in a series of promotions for the responsibility to think before your drink. What will we now call the once famous critters? They are older but-weiser frogs.
Updated variation on Girlfriend software (tat for tit, so to speak):
Dear Tech Support Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slowdown in the overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewelery applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, but installed undesirable Programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0, and now Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do? Desperate Dear Desperate, First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command: C:/I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and download Tears 6.2 to install Guilt 3.0. If all works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5 but remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create Snoring Loudly.WAV files. Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7. Good Luck! Tech Support One January day while a trucker is stopped at a red light, a blonde lady gets out of her car, knocks on his window and says, “Hey mister, you’re losing your load!” He ignores her and drives off when the light changes. At the next light she does the same thing and again he drives off. At the next light she comes stomping up to the truck, bangs on his window and yells, “Hey mister, my name’s Mary and I’m here to tell you you’re losing your load. He gives her a look, rolls down his window and says, “Well my name’s Peter and for God’s sake, lady, give me a break! Can't you see I’m driving the salt truck!”
A Hasidic man arranges for a hooker to come to his room for the evening. Once in the room they undress, climb into bed, and go at it. When finished, the Hasid...... jumps up, runs over to the window, takes a deep breath....... runs through a door....... comes back, jumps back into bed with the hooker and repeats the performance. The hooker is impressed with the gusto of the second encounter. When finished, the Hasid....... jumps up, runs over to the window, takes a deep breath......runs through a door........comes back, jumps back into bed with the hooker and starts again. The hooker is amazed... as this sequence is repeated four times. During the fifth encore...... she decides to try it herself. So when they are done.... she jumps up, goes to the window, takes a deep breath........runs through the door........and finds.......the other nine men of the minyan.
Top Ten Signs Your Chassidic Teen Is In Trouble: 10. Sometimes stays in bed until after 5 a.m. and skips Shacharit service.
9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women - some without shaitels.
8. Shows up at the Bais Midrash in full "Kiss" makeup.
7. You catch him wearing his 3 pagers and 2 cell phones on Shabbos.
6. His name is Avram, but he goes by "Ram Daddy."
5. Defiantly says, "If I had a television, I'd watch MTV."
4. You come upon his secret stash of colored button-down shirts.
3. Uses slang expression: "Talk to the yad, 'cause the peyyos ain't listening."
2. Was recently pulled over for "driving under the influence of cholent." And The Number One Sign Your Chassidic Teen is in Trouble 1. He's wearing his shtrommel (black hat) backwards.
In honour of Hallowe’en:
The Top 15 Complaints of Modern Day Vampires 15. Grunge look makes it tough to tell living from the undead. 14. Nutrasweet or not, fat-free blood tastes like crap. 13. Hard to get a decent puncture with latex on your fangs. 12. Three Words: Daylight Savings Time 11. Can't enjoy a meal at Burger King without some redneck yelling, "Look Ma! It's Elvis!" 10. After 45 years of Communist rule, it's impossible to find clean, uncontaminated Transylvanian soil for bottom of coffin. 9. After 100 years of trying, still can't score with Elvira. 8. No bat is safe with Ozzy Ozbourne around. 7. With all those crucifix-wearing Madonna clones, junior highs are suddenly off-limits. 6. No warm blood for miles around DC. 5. Exhausted from all those Calvin Klein photo shoots. 4. No small task beating F. Lee Bailey to a warm body. 3. Buxom wenches of old have been replaced by aerobicized "hardbodies." 2. Baboon heart makes everything taste gamey. and the Number 1 Complaint of Modern Day Vampires... 1. Sick and tired of being mistaken for Keith Richards.
Who did Frankenstein take to the prom? His ghoul friend.
Where does Dracula water ski? On Lake Erie
Where does Count Dracula make his withdrawals? At the blood bank.
What time would it be if five demons were chasing you? Five after one.
What kind of mistakes do spooks make? Boo boos.
What do ghosts serve for dessert? Ice Scream
Why was the student vampire tired in the morning? Because he was up all night studying for his blood test!!!
Why should a skeleton drink 10 glasses of milk a day? It's good for the bones.
Why don't witches like to ride their brooms when they're angry? They're afraid of flying off the handle!
Why don't skeletons like parties? They have no body to dance with.
Do you know why ghosts don't make noise when they make love? Because they have hollow weenies!
What do you call a guy turned on by a witch? Scared stiff
What do you get when you goose a ghost? A handful of sheet!
What did the lesbian vampire say to the other? See you next month!
What do Hillbillies do for Halloween? Pump-Kin
Why couldn't the witch have babies? Because here husband has crystal balls.
My favorite guy Halloween costume is to go naked on a pair of roller skates as a pull toy.
Frankenstein: Hot dog and a mug of beer.
Pumpkin Patch: What a pumpkin wears when trying to quit smoking.
A little boy and girl go trick or treating. They knock on the door of this house and the man who answers it says, "Well, you two are awful cute. Who are you supposed to be?" "We're Jack and Jill" she replied. The man says, "You can't be Jack and Jill, you're black!" So, they go off and a while later they come back dressed differently. They ring the doorbell and once again and the man opens the door. "Well now, that is just darn cute. Who are you this time?" "We're Hansel and Gretel" says the little boy. "Well, I hate to disappoint you son, but you can't be Hansel and Gretel because you're black!" Heads hung low, they leave. Not too much later the man hears the bell ring again. This time when he opens the door there stand the two children but this time they are BUCK NAKED. "Oh my! And just who are you supposed to be now?!" he asks. "We're M & M's, " said the little girl. "I'm plain. He got nuts."
A chap goes into a Chinese restaurant and is less than impressed with the food. He complains to the waiter: "This chicken is rubbery!" The reply comes back: "oh, tank you berry much!"
Gay Man's Motto: "My body is a temple ...with ample parking in the rear."
What did the angry toilet say to the other toilet? I'm pissed! What did the tired toilet say back? Well, I'm pooped!
Definition Of The Perfect Husband: A guy who makes his wife's panties wet - he does the laundry every week.
What do you call female Viagra? Jewelry
If I were a dairy cow, I don't know which I'd prefer -- the leisurely life of nonstop grazing or the daily sessions with a machine massaging my tits.
Be sure your words are short and sweet. You never know which you will have to eat.
I am involved in a big dispute with the IRS. I say my car should be 100% deductible, the IRS says 50%. I told them I use the front seat for business and the back seat for entertainment.
Don't let your affection give you an infection. Put some protection on that erection.
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
Did you know that Jeffrey Dahmer was the only man in America whose bologna really did have a first name?
Sports Commentator Bloopers:
~ Michael Buerk watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle a male astronomer for warmth during the BBC's eclipse coverage: "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's come in his shorts."~ Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks, Nick likes to use Fanny; other weeks, he prefers to do it by himself."~ Ulrika Jonsson was a humble GMTV weathergirl talking about snowfall: "I had a good eight inches last night."~ Trevor Brooking talking about David Beckham's groin strain during the recent England vs. Germany match: "He's certainly led by example this evening and his injury's stood up superbly."~ Peter Alliss on Rivero's golf drive: "Gosh, what an enormous one for such a little chap!"~ Lorraine Kelly on GMTV: "This year's hairstyle is called a shag and our resident stylist is here to give our model one."~ Chris Tarrant was trying to help a female contestant name a famous motor-racing commentator. The answer was Murray Walker, so Chris said, "I'll give you a clue. His name sounds like something hard that tastes good when you suck it." "Ah," she replied, "it must be Dickie Davies."~ Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."~ Jack Burnicle talking about Colin Edwards' tires on World Superbikes: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now."~ Richard Whiteley asking Carol Vorderman to display a word on Countdown: "Ah, 'erection', let's see it up please, Carol."~ David Dickinson, talking about an antique door-knocker on Bargain Hunt, said to expert Nigel Smith: "You're a bit of a knockers man." "Yes," he replied. "I've come across quite a few in my time."~ Arthur Negus was well impressed by two glass decanters on the Antiques Roadshow. He told their attractive owner: "That's the nicest pair I've seen in ages."~ During a snooker match, Jack Karnehm remarked, "This is a very difficult shot, he's only got one and a half inches between the balls."~ Lowri Turner discussing high heels on Looking Good: "Some women will do anything for that extra three inches."~ After comparing real-life copper Ron Caddon to the fictional cops in The Bill, TVam's Mike Morris summed up: "We need more Rons to join our police force."~ Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on This Morning: "She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed last night."~ Winning Post's Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees."~ Ross King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond: "Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."~ Beatrice Hillyer was discussing the availability of fresh water in Baghdad when she informed TVam viewers: "Just after the liberation, I was getting it twice a day in my hotel room."~ David Coleman: "That's the fastest time ever run, but it's not as fast as the world record."~ During the 1989 British Masters golf tournament, commentator Richie Benaud observed: "Notices are appearing at courses telling golfers not to lick their balls on the green."~ Cricketer Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham vs. Lancashire match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: "With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off."~ Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."~ Charlie Dimmock was helping Alan Titchmarsh with a tree stake on Ground Force. "How far am I in?" he asked. "About eight inches," Charlie replied, "but I need a few more inches."~ A mind-blowing insight from tennis expert Pam Shriver: "They don't come any quicker on the women's tour than Sugiyama."~ Carol Baxter was trying to identify an apple when she opined: "And this one tastes like Cox."~ James Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: "What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"~ Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."~ Steve Cram covering the men's 200 metres at the World Athletics Championships: "Pumping away, Marlon Devonish has got the Olympic champion inside him."~ A Bolex is a type of camera, which is why Peter Alliss told the photographer blocking his view: "Move your Bolex to one side, there's a good chap."~ The new stand at Doncaster race course took Brough Scott's breath away. "My word," he said. "Look at that magnificent erection."~ Willie Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race when he said: "They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions."~ Chain Letters host Allan Stewart was discussing a 6ft 5in contestant called Richard when he told two women competitors: "That's enough Dick for both of you."~ Slimming expert Sally Ann Voak was talking about John Suchet's belly when she said, "I'm sure you have a little bulge down there John."~ Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live, said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."~ Brough Scott: "And there's the *unmistakable* figure of Joe Mercer ... or is it Lester Piggott?"~ Dan Maskell: "And here come the Gullikson twins, both from Wisconsin."
~ Expert David Batty was examining a bowl with a pineapple-shaped lid on Antiques Roadshow when he exclaimed, "This is the most magical, wonderful knob I have ever seen!"
Recently a survey was conducted by the U.N. worldwide. The question asked was, "Would you please give your opinion about the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure. In Africa they did not know what 'food' meant. In Western Europe, they did not know what 'shortage' meant. In Eastern Europe they did not know what 'opinion' meant. In South America they did not know what 'please' meant. And in the U.S. they did not know what 'the rest of the world' meant.
I wonder if a fish goes home and exaggerates the size of the bait it stole.
"Everyone is born with genius, but most people only keep it a few minutes."- Edgard Varese, composer (1885-1965)
"We are all born mad. Some of us remain so." - Estragon, a character from Samuel Beckett's surreal stage play, Waiting for Godot.
An insect repellent salesman, traveling through the countryside, came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer. "Sir," he said, "my bug spray works so well that I guarantee you will never be bitten again." The farmer was skeptical, so he made the young man a proposition. "I'll tie you out in my cornfield buck naked, covered with that bug spray" said the farmer. "In the morning, if there isn't a single bite on you, I will buy a whole case from you." The salesman was delighted. They went out to the cornfield and he striped. The farmer then sprayed him thoroughly with the bug spray and tied him to a stake. The next morning, the farmer went back out to the cornfield and, sure enough, the salesman was there, hanging from his bonds, without a single bite on him. Not one bite, and yet he was a total wreck, looking pale, haggard and drawn. The farmer was perplexed. "Son," he said, "you don't have one bite on you and yet you look like hell. What the devil happened?" "For crying out loud, mister," the salesman gasped, "doesn't that calf have a mother?"
Before the collapse of communism, this Russian guy loses his pet parrot. He looks everywhere, all around the neighborhood, in the park, everywhere. He can't find the parrot. Finally he goes around to the KGB office, and tells the desk officer his problem. The officer is a little puzzled. "Look, comrade, I'm sorry you lost your bird, but this is the KGB. We don't handle missing animal reports. "Oh, I know that", says the guy. "I just wanted you to know, if you find my parrot... I don't know where he could have picked up all his political ideas."
When a country girl asked her mother if she could start dating her mother replied.”Yes,but if they try to get into your pants, just ask them what they will name the baby.” On her first date Jimbob starts playing and fondling her and she asks,” What you gonna name the baby?” He took her straight home. On her second date Jobob starts to play and she asks the same question. He also took her straight home. On the third date she goes out with John, a city boy. Things are going well and he starts to fondle and play and she asks, ”What you gonna name the baby?” He says,”I’ll tell you when we are through. After they finish, she asks again about naming the baby, He holds up the condom, ties a knot in the end and says, ”If the little bastard gets out of here we will name him Houdini!”
"I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants." - A. Whitney Brown
"My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself." Emo Philips
"We don't see things as they are; we see things as we are." - Anais Nin –
"A psychologist once said that we know little about the conscience except that it is soluble in alcohol." -Thomas Blackburn
Why do female paratroopers wear jockstraps? So they don't whistle on the way down.
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
A morose young monk from Siberia,
Daily grew drearier and drearier,
Until with a yell,
He burst from his cell,
And buggered the Mother Superior.
A GIRL'S PRAYER:
Lord, Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who's loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
When he says he'll call, he won't wait weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed,
And when I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "How big's my behind?"
One who'll make love till my body's a twitchin,
In the hall, the garden and kitchen!
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And never attempt to hit on my friend.
And as I kneel and pray by my bed,
I look at the creep you sent me instead.
Amen
A BOY'S PRAYER:
Lord, I pray for a nympho with huge tits, who owns a liquor store. Amen
I'm Not Saying She's Easy But...She's been on her knees more times than Billy Graham.She's been laid on more kitchen floors than linoleum.She's done more screwing than Black and Decker.She's responsible for more merry men than Robin Hood.She's turned more tricks than Harry Houdini.She's been boarded more times than Amtrak.She's been mounted more often than Trigger.She's been involved with more animals than Marlin Perkins.She's entertained more troops than Bob Hope.She's been at more bedsides than Dr. Kildare.She's been turned more ways than Rubik's Cube.She's spent more time under men than barstools.She's seen more traffic than the George Washington Bridge.She's had more turnovers than the International House of Pancakes.She's been under more sheets than the Ku Klux Klan.She's had more marines land on her than on Iwo Jima.Her body has been declared a national recreation area.Her diaphragms come with a service contract.She has an IUD with a beeper.She uses industrial strength douche.Her gynecologist entered her in the Grand Canyon look-alike contest.Her underwear is by Rubbermaid.Her pantyhose has a pet door.She was hospitalized for six months when a truck driver mistook her for the Holland Tunnel.
After an afternoon quickie at his place, Sam and his girlfriend Susan go to her parents’ house to meet the parents for the very first time. While at the supper table he figured it was a good time to get on the right side of his future mother-in-law. Sam turned to the mother and remarked, "These are excellent fishcakes." Susan pulled Sam close to her and whispered in his ear, "You should go and wash your hands, those are peanut butter cookies!"
A dumb guy finds fifty cents in his couch at home. He really needs to have sex, so he goes to the local brothel and tells the lady at the desk, "Give me your best whore!" She yells upstairs, "Harry, grease up Sally!" and says, "That'll be five hundred dollars, please." The man says, "Oh, I don't have that much." The woman says, "Okay, then, Harry grease up Monica! That'll be two hundred dollars, please." The guy says, "I don't have that much." So the woman yells upstairs, "Harry, grease up Katrina! That'll be fifty dollars, please." The guy says, "Oh, I don't have that much." So the woman says, "Well, how much do you have?" He says "Fifty cents." So she yells upstairs "Harry, grease up!"
The medical student was shocked when he received a failing grade in radiology. Approaching the professor, he demanded to know the reason for the grade. "You know the self X-ray you took?" said the professor. "A fine picture of your lungs, stomach, and liver." "If it's a fine picture, then why did you give me an F?" asked the student. "I had no choice," said the professor. "You didn't put your heart in it."
I didn’t realize how much my wife was into the internet until last week when I was scratching her back and she told me, "No, no, not there, scroll down."
A lovely young Jewish girl was employed by a clothing firm in New York. She and her widowed mother shared the same ambition...her marriage to a wealthy man. One day she returned from work, eyes red from crying. As soon as she entered the apartment she called, "MAMA, I'm pregnant! Don't get excited. The father is my boss." She began to sob uncontrollably while her mother tried to console her. The next morning, the mother charged into the office of the boss. "YOU," she shouted, "What's its going to be?" The elegantly attired man, handsome and unmarried and in his mid thirties, held up his hand: "Please take a seat, Mrs. Horowitz. I'm making all the arrangements. Your daughter Sherry will have the best doctor money can buy before the baby is born. She'll be in the best hospital. And afterward, I am arranging for a trust fund for her and the baby where she will receive a check for twenty five hundred dollars a week for life." The mother was taken aback and thought for a moment. "Tell me," she said, "God forbid, Sherry should have a miscarriage, will yougive her another chance?"
What is the sound of one Jew kvetching? Oy, don’t ask.
A lady golfer visits a driving range to tone up before a game. She is about to drive her first ball off the mat when she notices the man next to her. "Pardon me, sir" she said. "You are aiming in the wrong direction - back towards the golf shop." "Oy! - tanks for dat. Vitout you, I vouldn't know. I'm half blind." He then turned around and started hitting out into the range. After a few minutes, he asked the lady how he was doing. "Not bad." she answered. "Most of your shots are straight and fairly long. Only a few of them are slicing." "Tanks, again, Miss." he replied. "Vitout you telling, I vouldn't know dese tings." A few shots later, he inquired again. "Do you mind I should ask a poisonal qvestion?" "Not at all," she replied. "I don't do vell vit the ladies. Am I ugly or fett or vat ?" "You're quite presentable," she replied. "I don't think that is your problem. Smiling now, he exulted, "Vat a relief. I vas always afraid to ask. Again, I got to tank you." He was about to hit another ball when the girl interrupted him. "Do you mind if I give you a bit of advice?" she asked. "Vit gladness, dank gott. All the help you got I vill take." he answered. "Lose the Jewish accent" she replied. " ....You're Chinese."
The judge asked the woman why she wanted a divorce: There was no sign that the husband was cruel, or wandering, or any of the usual things that lead to this situation. The woman replied that she was seeking the divorce on grounds of hobosexuality! The judge, trying to stifle his laughter, asked, "Don't you mean homosexuality?" "No!" she replied, "I mean hobosexuality... he's a bum fuck!"
Revealing figures by BBC Top Gear magazine in a list of statistics profiling the average driver: The average driver emits more than 912 pints of wind inside a car during his or her lifetime. The survey also found the average driver will have sex in a car six times in their lives. They will spend around two hours and 14 minutes kissing in their vehicles, researchers found. Mr or Mrs Average will swear or blaspheme 32,025 times behind the wheel. And hungry drivers each munch through about 21 lbs of chocolate as they trundle along. They will also nod off at the wheel 11 times and jump 181 red lights. The average driver will also honk the horn 15,250 times in a lifetime and be locked out of the car nine times. Mr or Ms average driver believes their driving is better than 87% of other drivers and they pay attention to only 35% of road signs. In a lifetime of journeys the average woman driver will throw two-thirds of her body weight out of the window as garbage or other matter, while men will throw their entire body weight out. (Actually I have often wanted to throw my wife’s entire body weight out the window)
A constipated man discovered the best cure was shoving a palm leaf up his ass and so exclaimed, "With fronds like this, who needs enemas?"A dignified old lady was among a group looking at an art exhibition in a newly opened gallery. Suddenly one contemporary painting caught her eye. "What on earth," she inquired of the artist standing nearby, "is that?" The guide smiled condescendingly. "That, my dear lady, is supposed to be a mother and her child." "Well, then," snapped the little old lady, "why isn't it?"
When CBS broadcast the first television show in colour, no one other than CBS owned a colour television set ( kinda like when Albert Einstein addressed the students at the U. of Newfoundland,)
The famous Olympic skier Picabo (pronounced Peek-a-boo) Street is not just an athlete, she is a nurse. She currently works at the Intensive Care Unit of a large hospital in a metropolitan area. She used to answer the phone as part of her duties, but is no longer permitted to do so. Too much confusion erupted when she would answer the phone saying, "Picabo, I. C. U."
A man is showering up in a locker room with his buddy when he notices his friend has a huge penis. "Damn Bob, you're hung!" Jim exclaims. "I wasn't always this impressive, I had to work for it." "What do you mean?" Jim asked. "Well, everyday for the past two years I've spent an hour each night rubbing it with butter. I know it sounds crazy but it actually made it grow 4 inches! You should try it." Jim agrees and the two say good bye. A few weeks later the two are in the same locker room and Bob asks Jim how his situation was. Jim replied, " I did what you said but my penis has actually gotten smaller! I lost two inches already!" "Did you do everything I told you? An hour each day with butter?" "Well, butter is expensive, so I've been using Crisco." "Crisco?!?" Bob exclaimed, "No wonder man, Crisco's shortening!"
Two gay guys were caught in the act in a public park by a policeman. As the cop tried to arrest them for their public act of indecency, they bolted away. The cop pursued after them and managed to catch one of them. He told him, "when I catch your boyfriend I'm going to shove this nightstick right up his ass" Just then a voice calls out from behind a tree "Officer, I'm over here."
"In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends." - Martin Luther King Jr
Bears hibernating don't go to the bathroom for 4 months. (Sometimes at night I’d settle for 4 hours)
Chocolate is derived from cocoa beans.
Bean = vegetable.
Sugar is derived from either sugar cane or sugar BEETS.
Both of them are plants, in the vegetable category.
Thus, chocolate is a vegetable.
To go one step further, chocolate candy bars also contain milk, which is dairy. So candy bars are a health food.
Chocolate-covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
Remember: "STRESSED" spelled backward is "DESSERTS"
Send this to four people and you will lose 2 pounds.
Send this to all the people you know (or ever knew),
and you will lose 10 pounds. (If you delete this message, you will gain 10 pounds immediately.)
"That's why I had to pass this on - - - - - I didn't want to risk it."
20 Reasons When You Can Tell It Is A Bad Day You wake up face down on the pavement. You put your bra on backwards and it fits better. You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold. You see a ''60 minutes'' news team waiting in your office. Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles. You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party and there aren't any. You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes out of the city. Your twin sister forgot your birthday. You wake up and discover your waterbed broke and then realize that you don't have a waterbed. Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway. Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and you have a headache. Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat. The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard. You wake up and your braces are locked together. You walk to work and find your dress is stuck in the back of your pantyhose. Your blind date turns out to be your ex. Your paycheck bounces. You put both contact lenses in the same eye. Your pet rock snaps at you. Your wife says, ''Good morning, Bill'' and your name is George.
A sousaphone tooter named Bjorn
Was in love with his bright, shiny horn.
He'd lovingly hold her
Astride of his shoulder
She was tongued, she was fingered and worn.
As piccolo players all know
A piccolo's quite fun to blow.
You get lots of thrills
From those triple-tongue trills.
And it’s also a good fake prickle, OH!
To cancel an appointment at the sperm bank just call them up and tell them you can't come.
Road signs are a real indication of what an area is like. In Virginia you have signs saying "Deer Crossing", at Yellowstone you have signs saying "Bear Crossing", in Africa you have signs saying "Elephant Crossing", and in Washington DC, you have signs saying "Double Crossing".
The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks. He was right, I had to sell my car to pay his bill!
IT'S LIKE MAKING LOVE TO A BEAUTIFUL WOMANMaking Coffee: Making a cup of coffee is like making love to a beautiful woman. You've got to grind your beans until they squeak. It's got to be hot. You've got to take your time. You've got to stir...gently and firmly. And then you put in the milk.
Laying A Carpet: Laying a carpet is... very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You check the dimensions, lay her out on the floor, pin her down, walk all over her. If you're adventurous - like me - you might like to try an underlay.Hanging Wallpaper: Well, hanging wallpaper is also very much like making love to a beautiful woman. Clean all the relevant surfaces, spread her out on the table, cover her with paste, and stick her up. Then you clean your brush, light your pipe, stand back and admire your handiwork.Putting Up A Tent: Putting up a tent, is... very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You rent her, unzip the door, put up your pole and... slip into the old bag.Washing A Car ; Washing a car, is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You've got to caress the bodywork. Breathe softly and gently. And give every inch of it your loving attention. And make sure you've got a nice wet sponge.Answering The Phone: Answering the phone, is... a little like making love to a beautiful woman. In that you've gotta... lift the receiver, put it to your ear, speak... loudly and clearly... oh, yes - and don't forget to state your name.Being In A Crash: Going to the brink of death and back, in a nine car pile-up on a dual lane highway, is... very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First of all, brace yourself, hold on tight - particularly if it's a rear-ender. And pray you make contact with her twin airbags as soon as possible.Going Fishing: Of course, I'm a very keen fisherman myself. You know, I've often thought that going fishing was very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First of all, clean and inspect your tackle, carefully pull back your rod cover, and remove any dirt or grunge that may have built up whilst not in use. Then, extend your rod to its full length, and check that there are no kinks or any wear, articularly at the base, where the grip is usually applied. Make sure you've got a decent float, the appropriate bait, and that there's plenty of shot in your bag.Being In Therapy: Having therapy is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You... get on the couch, string 'em along with some half-lies and evasions, probe some deep dark holes, and then hand over all your money.
I Wanna Be A Bear (A human female's perspective on her next life):
If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.
Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that, too.
If you're a bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute, cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that.
If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them, too. I could deal with that.
If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.
Yup..... I wanna be a bear.
An African chieftain flew to the United States to visit the president. When he arrived at the airport, a host of newsmen and television cameramen met him. One of the reporters asked the chief if he had a comfortable flight. The chief made a series of weird noises: "Screech, scratch, honk, buzz, whistle, z-z-z-z..." Then he added in perfect English, "Yes, I had a very nice flight." Another reporter asked, "Chief, do you plan to visit the Washington Monument while you're in the area?"The chief made the same noises: "Screech, scratch, honk, buzz, whistle, z-z-z-z..." Then he said, "Yes, and I also plan to visit the White House and the Capitol Building." "Where did you learn to speak such flawless English?" asked the next reporter. The chief replied, "Screech, scratch, honk, buzz, whistle, z-z-z-z... From the short-wave radio."
Cynic, n. a blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be. -- Ambrose Bierce
Then there was the male prostitute who got leprosy. He did okay until his business fell off.
What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball? Cough, gag, choke.
Things you'll never hear one woman say to another woman:
That swimsuit really flatters your figure! Would you mind keeping my husband company while I go for a swim?
Oh, look, that women and I have the same dress on! I think I'll go introduce myself!
His new girlfriend is thinner and better looking than I am, and I'm happy for them both.
If he doesn't let me hold the remote, I get all moody.
He makes more money than I do, so I broke up with him.
I'm sick of dating doctors and lawyers! Give me a good old-fashioned waiter with a heart of gold any day!
We're redecorating the bedroom, and he keeps bugging me to help him with the color choices!
He talks our relationship to death! It's making me crazy!
Why can't I find a guy who'll have a wild carefree night of sex and then just go his separate way for once?
I just realized -- my butt doesn't look fat in this -- my butt is fat!
HOT TUB TIPS FOR WOMEN
~ It is not lady like to straddle a water jet, moan in ecstasy, then scream at the top of your lungs "Oh yes baby"
~ Washing your partners back is sexy, washing your pantyhose is not.
~ It's OK to pass a joint while tubbing, it's not OK to pass gas.
~ Don't think you're fooling anybody by trying to pass off your vibrator as a toy submarine.
Signs you may not be reading your bible enough: 9) You think Abraham, Isaac & Jacob may have had a few hit songs during the 60's. 8) You open to the Psalms and a WWII Savings Bond falls out. 7) Your favorite patriarch is Hercules. 6) A small family of woodchucks has taken up residence in Malachi. 5) You become frustrated because Charlton Heston isn't listed in the table of contents or the credits. 4) Catching the kids reading the Song of Solomon, you demand, "Who gave you this stuff?" 3) You think the minor prophets worked in the quarries.
2) When it’s announced the sermon is from Exodus, you have to check the table of contents.1) The kids keep asking too many questions about your usual bedtime story: "Jonah the Shepherd Boy and His Ark of Many Colours"
A detective who spent his entire career in plain clothes retired to become a farmer and grow carrots and potatoes. He was always very fond of undercover crops.
Dear Abby My husband is a lying cheat. He tells me he loves me, but he has cheated our entire marriage. He is a good provider and has many friends and supporters. They know he is a lying cheat, but they just avoid the issue. He is a hard worker but many of his co-workers are leery of him. Every time he gets caught, he denies it all. Then he admits that he was wrong and begs me to forgive him. This has been going on for so long, everyone in town knows he is a cheat. Just because I am a lesbian he chooses to ignore me at home. I don't know what to do. Signed, Frustrated Dear Frustrated: You should dump him. Now that you are finally a New York Senator, you don't need him anymore.
READING THE SIGNS: The trick to successful dating is learning how to interpret the hidden signs, those giveaway gestures that can tell you so much about a person. Train yourself to recognize - and decode - these KEY "SIGNS." Figuring out these moronic little indicators can save you a lot of time and effort.1. Woman won't unlock car door for man - Doesn't engage in oral sex2. Man gets in car without opening door for woman - No foreplay3. Insists on going to a brand new restaurant - Prefers virgins4. Insists on going to a brand new restaurant but gets lost on the way - Is a virgin5. Can't hail a cab - Impotent6. Insists on going to a homely little cafe with windmill motif - Compulsive Don Quixote7. Insists on going to a romantic candle-lit restaurant - Compulsive Don Juan8. Insists on going to a Polynesian bar - Compulsive Don Ho9. Wants to go to a French restaurant - Will swallow10. Wants to go to a deli - Won't swallow11. Takes too long deciding what to order - Has trouble reaching orgasm12. Orders salad dressing on the side - Will give you a hand job, but will not go "all the way"13. Gives explicit orders to waiter - Will expect incredibly skillful gymnastics in bed14. Asks for extra rolls - Will say she is using birth control when she's not, will get pregnant and sue15. Insists on ordering for you, referring to you as "The lady will have..." - Thinks you had an orgasm when you didn't16. Asks for "The Usual" - Insists on missionary position only17. Asks what the specials are - Will want you to use handcuffs18. Fills up on bread and crackers - Premature ejaculation19. Doesn't finish everything on plate - Has already come20. Insists on having some of whatever you ordered - Will make you sleep on the wet spot21. Changes mind after ordering - Will never call you22. Changes tables - Nymphomaniac23. Drinks Decaffeinated. - Fakes Orgasm (Female)24. Orders in French - Fakes Orgasm (Male)25. Sends food back - Will sleep with you, brag to all his friends, then try to borrow money26. Asks for detailed descriptions of desserts - Needs you to talk dirty during sex27. Orders a dessert involving ladyfingers - Wants a handjob28. Orders a dessert involving nuts - Castrating Bitch29. Wants to split dessert - Is dying to get rid of her apartment, move in with you, rearrange all your closets, and take down all your baseball posters30. Credit card is refused - Low sperm count31. Under tips waiter - Small penis32. Under tips parking valet - Small penis33. Under tips cabby - Small penis34. Uses toothpick - Is trying to tell you size isn't everything35. Removable cassette player in car - Pulls out repeatedly during sex36. Cellular phone in car - Penile implant
The difference between a brown-noser and a shit head is depth perception.Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
If your wife or girlfriend is pregnant, it’s wise to refrain from saying any of the following:
Sure you'll get your figure back -- we'll just search 1985 where you left it.
How come you're so much fatter than the other chicks in Lamaze?
What's the big deal? If you can handle *me* going in, surely you can handle a baby coming out.
Hey, when you're finished puking in there, get me a beer, willya?
Yo, Fatass! You're blocking the TV!
Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby!
I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!
Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt.
Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney.
What women want in a relationship: A handsome, loving professional man who will just love them for who they are.
What women get: A fat, balding fart machine who stays with them only because no other woman wants him.
What men want in a woman: A combination of Carol Brady and Pamela Lee Anderson; Wonderful Mom with big hooters
and can suck the chrome off a flag pole.
What men get: Someone who immediately begins to gain those 80 extra lbs. the moment after she says "I Do", beginning with the wedding cake!
What women want in bed: A passionate lover who takes the time to kiss and gently caress, slowly building up to a wonderful joyous experience together.
What they get: "Wham-Bam-Thank-You Ma'am!", Belch, Fart, Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz
How Did We Possibly Survive? (All truism)Looking back, it's hard to believe that we have lived as long as we have. As children we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags. Riding in the back of a pickup truck on a warm day was always a special treat. Our baby cribs were painted with bright colored lead based paint, and as toddlers we'd sometimes chew on the crib, ingesting the paint. We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors, or cabinets, and when we rode our bikes we had no helmets. We drank water from the garden hose and not from a store-bought "spring water" filled bottle. We would spend hours building our go-carts out of old scraps and then ride down steep hills, only to find out we had forgotten the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times we learned to solve the problem. We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on. No one was able to reach us for hours at a time. We played dodge ball and sometimes that ball would really hurt, but we learned to be quicker the next time! We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter, drank sugar-packed sodas, but somehow we were never over weight--- we were always outside playing. Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Some students weren't as smart as others (or didn't work hard) so they failed and were held back to repeat the same grade. Consequently, that generation produced some of the greatest risk-takers and problem solvers. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all. ~author unknown~
The word "good-bye" comes from a contraction of the sixteenth-century phrase "God be with ye."
Today...I wish you a day of ordinary miracles -- A fresh pot of coffee you didn't make yourself, an unexpected phone call from an old friend, green stoplights on your way to work or shop. I wish you a day of little things to rejoice in -- the fastest line at the grocery store, good sing-along song on the radio, your keys right where you look. I wish you a day of happiness and perfection -- little bite-size pieces of perfection that give you the funny feeling that the Lord is smiling on you, holding you so gently because you are someone special and rare. I wish you a day of Peace, Happiness, and Joy. They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, but then an entire life to forget them. Send this to the people you'll never forget. It's a short message to let them know that you'll never forget them. If you don't send it to anyone, it means you're in too much of a hurry and that you've probably forgotten your friends. Take the time!
The children and grandchildren of an elderly Jewish woman decided to send Bubbe on a cruise. Bubbe boarded the ship and showed her ticket to the purser. He looked at it and said, "Oh, I see you have U.D." She replied, "U.D.? Voos is U.D.? He said, "U.D. is Upper Deck." She then went to the upper deck and showed her ticket to the steward there and he said, "I see, that in addition to U.D., you also have O.C." Bubbe replied, "O.C.? Voos is O.C.?" The steward said, "O.C. is Outside Cabin." Bubbe, needless to say, was delighted. She then showed her ticket to the cabin boy and he said, "Oh, I see that you also have B.I.B.".... "B.I.B.? Voos is B.I.B.?" asked Bubbe.....The cabin boy answered, "B.I.B. is Breakfast In Bed." "Oh" she said; "Mine children and grandchildren are vonderful." Well, the next morning, bright and early, the staff came right into her room with trays of food for her Breakfast In Bed and she said, "F.U.C.K" Shocked, they said,"F.U.C.K? What do you mean F.U.C.K.?", to which the old grandmother replied, "First U Could Knock!"
Subject: Over to the Oval office... (Move over Bud and Lou!)George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening? Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China. George: Great. Lay it on me. Condi: Hu is the new leader of China. George: That's what I want to know. Condi: That's what I'm telling you. George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China? Condi: Yes. George: I mean the fellow's name. Condi: Hu. George: The guy in China. Condi: Hu. George: The new leader of China. Condi: Hu. George: The Chinaman! Condi: Hu is leading China. George: Now whaddya' asking me for? Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China. George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China? Condi: That's the man's name. George: That's who's name? Condi: Yes. George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China? Condi: Yes, sir. George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East. Condi: That's correct. George: Then who is in China? Condi: Yes, sir. George: Yassir is in China? Condi: No, sir. George: Then who is? Condi: Yes, sir. George: Yassir? Condi: No, sir. George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone. Condi: Kofi? George: No, thanks. Condi: You want Kofi? George: No. Condi: You don't want Kofi. George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N. Condi: Yes, sir. George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N. Condi: Kofi? George: Milk! Will you please make the call? Condi: And call who? George: Who is the guy at the U.N? Condi: Hu is the guy in China. George: Will you stay out of China?! Condi: Yes, sir. George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N. Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.(Condi picks up the phone.) Condi: Rice, here.George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?
An attractive woman from New York went to a "Dude Ranch" while in Texas. The cowboy preparing the horses asked if she wanted a Western or English saddle, and she asked what the difference was. He told her one had a horn and one didn't, she replied, "The one without the horn is fine. I don't expect we'll run into too much traffic."
As the same woman was leaving the ranch her car broke down a few miles down the road. An Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride back to the ranch. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a whoop so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills. When they arrived at the ranch, he let her off, yelled one final, "Yahoo!" and rode off. "What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the cowboy. "Nothing," shrugged the woman, "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off." "Lady," the cowboy said, "Indians ride bareback!"
Marriages are made in Heaven – just like thunder & lightning.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking
My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time.
Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.
A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Signs You Picked the Wrong Moving Company...
- They offer a "Bordello rate" if you allow them to make use of your bed during transport.
- After you call Big Top Movers, a Volkswagen Beetle shows up and 13 clowns reeking of elephant dung climb out.
- Their slogan: "100% satisfaction or your silverware back!"
- The first question they ask: "Paper or plastic?"
- Mime Movers is a great concept, but those invisible boxes don't seem to work very well.
- The phone number on their business card connects you to the Crime Stoppers hotline.
- They assure you that your stuff will get from NY to LA before you do -- assuming there’s no traffic in the Panama Canal.
-As advertised, Big 'Uns Movers showed up in thongs and had large breasts -- you just didn't expect 250-lb. men with Lynyrd Skynyrd tattoos on their asses.
-Attention to detail is a good thing, but the guys at Anal Retentive Moving Co. insist on un-packing, inspecting and then re-packing every box.
- When you ask them to be careful with your antique stools, they assure you that they work gently overnight.
- Before moving the furniture, they remove all the drawers -- THEIR drawers.
- Nothing gets broken during the loading and unloading, but you see more crack than a DEA agent.
- They keep flicking ashes in Grandma's urn.
- The first load they took was your entertainment center, home computer, and jewelry. That was two weeks ago.
- At your new home, you notice that the driver's new uniform looks an awful lot like your wife's old wedding dress.
- You realize they've been a little too thorough when your nightstand is listed on the inventory as "porno stand."
- Reassembling your king-sized bed resulted in lopsided twin beds and a chin-up bar.
- The box marked "TV" is barking.
- Your collection of private home videos made with the wife shows up several weeks later -- on E Bay.
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see a guy without a boner, make him a sandwich.
My last girlfriend was so insincere, she faked orgasms when she masturbated.
Late one night in Washington, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. "Give me your money!" he demanded. Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this. I'm a United States Congressman!" "In that case," replied the robber, "give me MY money!"
FAMOUS LAST WORDS
These are the good kind of mushrooms.
I'll hold it and you light the fuse.
What's that priest doing here?
Rat poison only kills rats. (Tell that to those on blood thinners)
OK, I'll go ahead and make your day.
It can't possibly rain for forty days and nights.
Here, give me that fork and I'll get your toast out.
Give me liberty or give me death.
It's strong enough for both of us.
That birthmark on your head looks like 999.
This doesn't taste right.
I can make this light before it changes.
Nice doggie.
That's odd.
Hey that's not a violin.
I'll just slip into the commuter lane for a second.
You wouldn't hit a guy with glasses on, would you.
Don't be so superstitious.
This planet has an atmosphere just like on earth.
The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What's your name?" he asked the new guy. "John," the new guy replied. The manager scowled, "Look... I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only... Smith, Jones, Baker... That's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?" The new guy sighed, "Well Mr. Robertson, sir, it’s Darling. My name is John Darling." "Okay, carry on John."
A rather Posh Lady was sauntering around an exclusive London art gallery when she stopped by one particular exhibit. "I suppose this picture of a hideous witch is what you would call modern art?" she asked in a very pompous manner."No, Ma'am," replied the gallery assistant, "it's what we call a mirror."
"A good rule of thumb is if you've made it to thirty-five and your job still requires you to wear a name tag, you've made a serious vocational error." - Dennis Miller
Next time your application for a job is rejected...
Dear [Interviewer's Name]:
Thank you for your letter of [Date of Interview]. After careful consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your firm. This year I have had been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.
Despite [Firm's Name]'s outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet with my needs at this time. Therefore, I will initiate employment with your firm immediately following graduation. I look forward to seeing you then.
Best of luck in rejecting future candidates.
Sincerely,
[Your Name]
So this dyslexic walks into a bra . . .
A horny guy goes to a single's bar and has a couple of drinks and some wings while surveying his possibilities. He finally decides on a frisky redhead that seems to be having a great time dancing with different guys. So he has another quick drink and then asks her to dance. After gyrating madly on the dance floor with the gal, he feels a bit woozy from the drinks and asks the redhead, "How many drinks does it take to get you dizzy?" "Oh, four or five." she answers, “but don't call me Dizzy."
A good-looking older gentleman walked into an insurance office and asks for a job. "We don't need anyone" the manager told him. "You can't afford not to hire me. I can sell anything to anyone, anytime, anywhere!" "Well we have two prospects that none of our agents has been able to sell. If you can sell just one, you have a job." The chap was gone about two hours, and returned and handed them not one, but two checks, one for a $50,000.00 policy and another or $100,000.00.
"How in the world did you do that?" they asked. "I told you I'm the world's best salesman, I can sell anything to anyone, any time any where!" "OK. Did you get a urine sample?" the manager asked. "What urine sample?" asked the salesman."If you sell a policy over $49,999.00 the company requires a urine sample. Here, take these two bottles and go back and get urine samples." He dashed out, thrilled with his success and eager to complete the job. He was gone about 5 hours and they were fixing to close when in he walks in with two five gallon buckets, one in each hand. He sets the buckets down, and reaches in his shirt pocket and produces two bottles of urine, and sets them on the desk and says, "Here's Mr. Swanson's and this one is Mr. Frieden's." "That is good" they said, "but what is in those two buckets?" "Well, I passed by the Holiday Inn and they were having The City Teachers Convention, so I stopped and sold them a group policy!"
Recently, when a panel of doctors at our local hospital was asked to vote on adding a new wing, this is what happened....
The allergists voted to scratch it.
The dermatologists preferred no rash moves.
The gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it.
The neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve.
The obstetricians stated they were laboring under a misconception.
The ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.
The pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!"
The pediatricians said, "Grow up."
The proctologists said, "We are in arrears."
The psychiatrists thought it was madness.
The surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
The radiologists could see right through it.
The internists thought it was a hard pill to swallow.
The plastic surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."
The podiatrists thought it was a big step forward.
The urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.
The anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas.
And the cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
No wonder Neanderthal Man was not fully erect for millions of years....take a look at how ugly Neanderthal woman was!
It’s a good thing breasts have nipples, otherwise they’d be pointless!
I don't think God put me on this planet to judge others. I think he put me on this planet to gather specimens and take them back to my home planet.
Did you hear about the near-tragedy at the shopping mall? There was a power outage, and twelve blondes were stuck on the escalators for over four hours.
Becky and Gene were playing golf in the annual club championship. They are playing in a play-off hole and it is down to a 6-inch putt that Becky has to make. Becky takes her stance and Gene can see her trembling, she putts and misses and they lose the match. On the way home in the car Gene is fuming, "I can't believe you missed that putt! That putt was no longer than my 'dick'." Becky just looked over at Gene and smiled and said, "yes dear, but it was much harder!"
God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh. - Voltaire
Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
Quasimodo comes home from work one night and his wife has made a delicious stir-fry. "Great!" he says. Next night - it's stir-fry again. Next night as he comes in the door he sees his wife taking the wok down off the rack and says,” Not stir-fry again!” "Don't be silly, Quaz" she says. "I'm going to iron your shirt."
The name of King Arthur's knight who created the Round Table? Sir Cumference.
The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree. -- Steven Wright
The average blue whale produces over 400 gallons of sperm when it ejaculates, but only 10% of that actually makes it into his mate. So 360 gallons are spilled into the ocean every time one unloads.( No wonder it’s so salty)
More than 75% of all the countries in the world are north of the equator. (I hope we don’t fall down to the bottom from the weight.)
The largest known hailstone to have fallen was in Germany in 1925, which weighed close to four and a half pounds. (Burt doesn’t want THAT raindrop falling on his head!)
A shark can grow a new set of teeth in a week. (Come to think of it, you don’t see a lot of litigation lawyers at the dentist!)
In Natoma, Kansas, it's illegal to throw knives at men wearing striped suits. (I guess it’s safe to break out the zebra suit next Halloween.)
Astronauts cannot cry. In space, there is no gravity, so the tears can't flow.(But they can still yell 'SHIT' when they stub their toe!)
More people speak English in China than the United States.(That's' cause Bubba, Billy Bob, Bobby Joe and their kin tipped the scales.)
There Once Was A Gal From Vancouver
Who'd Suck On A Schlong Like A Hoover
Her Squeal Of Delight
Could Fill You With Fright
For God Alone Could Remoover
A girl with a shiny trombone
Is never, no never alone.
She's famous with guys
When they realize
She uses lip, slide and tongue to find tone.
The master calligrapher, George,
Each evening at dinner would gorge
On filet mignon
And tart Grey Poupon
He'd buy with the cheques he could forge.
Egghead: What Mrs. Dumpty gives to Humpty.
Eternity : 4 blondes at a 4-way stop intersection
What do you call a San Francisco milkman? A dairy queen.
A blonde and her boyfriend were setting at home one night and became bored." Hey, let's play a game" she said. "What game?" was his bored reply. "Let's play hide'n'seek. I'll give you a blow-job if you can find me." "What if I can't find you?" "I'll be behind the piano."
Things Men REALLY Shouldn't say to Women and we better not see on a Hallmark card:
10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk
But the thing I like best, is getting you drunk.
9. Our love will never become cold and hollow
Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.
8. I bought this Valentine's card at the store.
In hopes that later, you'd be my whore.
7. This feels so good, it feels so right
I just wish it wasn't $250 a night.
6. You're a man of style, you're a man of class
Especially when I'm spanking, your big-round-fat ass.
5. Before I met you, my heart was so famished
But now I'm fulfilled. . . SO MAKE ME A SANDWICH!!!
4. Through all the things that came to pass
Our love has grown. . . but so's your ass.
3. You're a honey. . . and you're a cutie
I just wish you had J-Lo's "booty".
2. I don't wanna be sappy or silly or corny
So, right to the point, let's do it, I'm horny!
1. If you think that hickey looks like a blister
You should check out the one that I gave to your sister!
When my son Jared began spending lots of time in the Internet chat rooms, I worried that his grades would suffer. I made him promise to do schoolwork until I returned home at 5p.m. One day at 4:30 I decided to check up on him. Using my office computer, I went on-line and entered his favorite chat room. To my dismay I saw Jared's name among the list of current participants and immediately decided to teach him a lesson in front of his cyber friends. "Jared," I typed, "this is your mother, and you are grounded for two weeks!" "Hi, Mrs. Beyeler," came a reply. "This is David. Jared's doing homework right now, and he said I could use his computer. But I'll be sure to let him know that he's been grounded." (Yeah, and if you think that was Jared’s friend typing, I’ve got some swampland in Florida for you!)
At one time in my life, I thought I understood the word ‘service’ - the act of doing things for other people. Then I heard the terms such as 'Internal Revenue Service,' 'Postal Service,' 'Civil Service',
'Service Stations' and I became confused about the word ‘service’. This is not what I thought ‘service’ meant. Then one day, I overheard two farmers talking and one of them mentioned that he was having a bull ‘service’ a few of his cows and it finally all came into perspective.
A mind once stretched by a new idea never regains its original dimension.
He who has health has hope; and he who has hope, has everything.
While carpenters were working outside the old house I had just bought, I busied myself with indoor cleaning. I had just finished washing the floor when one of the workmen asked to use the bathroom. With dismay I looked from his muddy boots to my newly scrubbed floors. "Just a minute," I said, thinking of a quick solution. "I'll put down newspapers." "That's all right, lady," he responded. "I'm already trained."
The first few items are to acknowledge our American friends and their Thanksgiving celebration (we should all take every possible opportunity to give thanks.) and then Chanukah.
I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way." I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.--Jon Stewart
A Time To Give ThanksBe thankful to awaken each morning to a noisy alarm clock, for there are many who cannot hear. Be thankful for the sun that glares in your eyes, for there are many who cannot see. Be thankful for the dirty dishes you have to wash, for there are many who go hungry. Be thankful for the gray hairs you may find on your head, for there are many cancer patients in chemo who wish they had hair to examine. Be thankful for those bad days at work, for there are many who do not have jobs. Be thankful for traffic jams, for there are many people in this world for whom driving is an unheard of privilege. Be thankful for the expense of upkeep on your home, for there are many who do not have a home. Be thankful if your car breaks down and you have to walk to assistance, for there are many who are paraplegic and would love the opportunity to take that walk. Be thankful if your house is packed on holidays, for many are spending their day alone without family and friends.
Thanksgiving ForecastTurkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon high near 190F. The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder. During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across one side while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots on the other. Please pass the gravy. A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway. During the evening, the turkey will diminish and taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of 34F in the refrigerator. Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat sandwiches will be established. Flurries of leftovers can be expected both days with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup late in the day. We expect a warming trend where soup develops. By early next week, eating pressure will be low as the only wish left will be the bone.
Thanksgiving-Day Recipe When I found this recipe I thought it was perfect for people who just are not sure how to tell when poultry is cooked thoroughly but not dried out. GIVE IT A TRY. 10-12 lb. Turkey 1 cup melted margarine 3 cups stuffing 2 cups uncooked popcorn salt/pepper to taste Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush Turkey well with melted margarine, salt and pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn. Place in baking pan with the neck end toward the back of oven. Listen for popping sounds. When the Turkey's ass blows the oven door open, it's done.
'Twas the night of Thanksgiving, I just couldn't sleep.I tried counting backwards, I tried counting sheep.The leftovers beckond - The dark meat and whiteBut I fought the temptation with all of my might,Tossing and turning with anticipation,The thought of that snack was infatuation.So, I raced to the kitchen, flung open the doorAnd gazed at the fridge full of goodies galore.I gobbled up turkey and buttered potatoes,pickles and carrots, beans and tomatoes.I felt myself swelling so plump and so round,'Til all of a sudden, I rose off the ground.I crashed through the ceiling, floating into the skywith a mouthful of pudding and a handful of pie.But, I managed to yell as I soared past the trees,"Happy eating to all, pass the cranberries, please!"May your stuffing be tasty, may your turkey be plump.May your taters and gravy have nary a lump,May your yams be delicious, may your pies take the prize,May your Thanksgiving dinner stay off of your thighs.And may your Thanksgiving be blessedWhile we celebrate Chanukah here in North America, take a moment to try to relate to the following. Last Chanukah, the pre 1A boys in Efrat's Orot Etzion school were asked,"What is a Nes?" (Miracle) The biweekly Efrat newsletter printed their answers in the Shabbat Chanukah edition. The answers that follow reveal the reality of 5 year olds in downtown Efrat, Israel.1. Ainor Goldstein......."If our car is stuck on the road, and they don't shoot at us,"2. Romem Dahah......."If we curse someone bad, and we don't get sick as punishment, that is a nes,"3. Yisrael Meir. "If Arabs give us mud and we think it's chocolate and we eat it and nothing happens to us, that's a nes,"4. Elisha Dan............."If we fall from a high place, and there is water where we fall, and no injury, that is a nes,"5. Amichai Weiss......"If there is bomb and it explodes but does not work, and we live, that is a nes,"6. Shlomo Tweill........."If there is a war, and our soldiers don't get hurt,"7. Amichai Matar........"If there is a fire and nobody gets hurt,"8. Aharon Mersky........"If we spill the oil for the menorah, and we still have enough oil,"9. Tzachi Kol............."If the Arabs shoot at me, and they miss,"10. Yisrael Meir........."My mother was in an accident, and nothing happened,11. Eliyashiv Dorani. "They shot at my father in the neck and nothing happened,"Shlomo Nagin...'' We drove to the Beit Hamikdash (Kotel) and they shot at us, and we survived,"Things that kids in Israel define as miracles on this holiday of "AL HANISIM"
A woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Chanukah cards. "What denomination?" asked the clerk. "Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" replied the woman. "Well, give me 50 Conservative, 2 Orthodox, and 37 Reform ones.
Christmas vs Chanukah
1. Christmas is one day, same day every year: December 25. Jews also love December 25th. It's another paid day off work. We go to movies and out for Chinese food, and Israeli dancing. Chanukah is 8 days. It starts the evening of the 24th of Kislev, whenever that falls. No one is ever sure. Jews never know until a non-Jewish friend asks when Chanukah starts, forcing us to consult a calendar so we don't look like idiots. We all have the same calendar, provided free with a donation to either the World Jewish Congress, the kosher butcher, or the local Sinai Memorial Chapel (especially in Florida) or the Jewish funeral home. 2. Christmas is a major holiday. Chanukah is a minor holiday with the same theme as most Jewish holidays. They tried to kill us, we survived, let's eat. 3. Christians get wonderful presents such as jewelry, perfume, stereos...Jews get practical presents such as underwear, socks, or the collected works of the Rambam, which looks impressive on the bookshelf. 4. There is only one way to spell Christmas. No one can decide how to spell Chanukah, Chanukah, Chanukka, Channukah, Hanukah, Hannukah.
5. Christmas is a time of great pressure for husbands and boyfriends. Their partners expect special gifts. Jewish men are relieved of that burden. No one expects a diamond ring on Chanukah.
6. Christmas brings enormous electric bills. Candles are used for Chanukah. Not only are Jews spared enormous electric bills, but we get to feel good about not contributing to the energy crisis.
7. Christmas carols are beautiful. Silent Night, Come O Ye Faithful....Chanukah songs are about dreidels made from clay or having a party and dancing the horah. Of course, we are secretly pleased that many of the beautiful carols were composed and written by our tribal brethren. And don't Barbara Streisand and Neil Diamond sing them beautifully?
8. A home preparing for Christmas smells wonderful. The sweet smell of cookies and cakes baking. Happy people are gathered around in festive moods. A home preparing for Chanukah smells of oil, potatoes, and onions. The home, as always, is full of loud people all talking at once.
9. Women have fun baking Christmas cookies. Jewish women burn their eyes and cut their hands grating potatoes and onions for latkas on Chanukah. Another reminder of our suffering through the ages.
10. Parents deliver many gifts to their children during Christmas. Jewish parents have no qualms about withholding a gift on any of the eight nights.
11. The players in the Christmas story have easy to pronounce names such as Mary, Joseph, and Jesus. The players in the Chanukah story are Antiochus, Judah Maccabee, and Matta whatever. No one can spell it or pronounce it. On the plus side, we can tell our friends anything and they believe we are wonderfully versed in our history.
12. Many Christians believe in the virgin birth. Jews think, "Joseph, bubela, snap out of it. Your woman is pregnant, you didn't sleep with her, and now you want to blame G-d. Here's the number of my shrink."
13. In recent years, Christmas has become more and more commercialized. The same holds true for Chanukah, even though it is a minor holiday. It makes sense. How could we market a major holiday such as Yom Kippur? Forget about celebrating. Think observing. Come to synagogue, starve yourself for 27 hours, become one with your dehydrated soul, beat your chest, confess your sins, a guaranteed good time for you and your family. Tickets a mere $200 per person.
You must remember this, A bris is still a bris, A chai is just a chai. Pastrami still belongs on rye, As time goes by. With holidays in view, A Jew is still a Jew, On that you can rely. No matter if we eat tofu As hours slip by. Old shtetl customs, never out of date. All those potatoes mother has to grate. Honey, tsimus, latkes, chopped liver on our plate The best that gelt can buy. Some would send us to perdition, But we're strengthened by tradition, That no one can deny. We roam, but we recall our birthright, As time goes by. Dreidels and chocolate, never out of date. Ancient Jewish stories that we all relate. Blue-and-white giftwrap, everything that's great? And festive chazerai! It's still the same old Torah, It's still the same menorah, We've latkes still to fry. It's at yomtov when we feel most blessed, As time goes by. HAPPY CHANUKAH!!!
An elderly man immigrating to Israel was asked by a customs officer to open his suitcases. Inside the first bag were bundles of one-dollar bills. "How did you acquire this money?" "You're not going to believe but for years I've traveled around the United States and everywhere I went I visited men's public rest rooms. Every time I found a man peeing I would take out my knife and tell the peeing man, 'Give me a dollar for Israel or I'll cut off your testicles'." "That's a very interesting story. And what's in your other bag?" "You wouldn't believe how many people don't support Israel."
A sergeant was passing the barracks after lights out, when he heard some voices from inside. He slammed open the door, and shouted, "Listen, you guys! A few minutes ago, you all heard me say good night. What you must realize, is that when I say "Good Night," what I really mean is "Shut the fuck up!" The room instantly fell silent. But after a few seconds, a small voice could be heard from somewhere in the far back of the dark room: "Good Night, Sergeant"
Thoughts for the day:
- Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.- Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.- Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.- Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they use to.- Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.- All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.- Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?- In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.- Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.- How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
A woman in Santa Monica, California, is attempting to lose weight in a manner others may not be able to stomach -- an all-semen diet. Porn star named Kim Kelly hopes to lose between 10 and 20 pounds by spending 30 days on a diet consisting largely of semen -- or as she prefers, "man juice." So far, more than 800 men have offered to help Kelly with her diet.. Only 800? I find that hard to swallow.
A group of students were asked to list what they thought were the present Seven Wonders of the World. Though there was some disagreement, the following got the most votes.1. Egypt's Great Pyramids2. Taj Mahal3. Grand Canyon4. Panama Canal5. Empire State Building6. St. Peter's Basilica7. China's Great WallWhile gathering the votes, the teacher noted that one quiet student hadn't turned in her paper yet. So she asked the girl if she was having trouble with her list. The girl replied, "Yes, a little. I couldn't quite make up my mind because there were so many." The teacher said, "Well, tell us what you have, and maybe we can help." The girl hesitated, then read, "I think the Seven Wonders of the World are:1. to touch2. to taste3. to see4. to hearShe hesitated a little, and then added:5. to feel6. to laugh7. and to loveThe room was so full of silence you could have heard a pin drop. Those things we overlook as simple and "ordinary" are truly wondrous. A gentle reminder that the most precious things are in front of you. Your family, your faith, your love, your good health and your friends.
It costs more to buy a car today in the United States than it cost Christopher Columbus to equip and undertake three voyages to the New World.
A little boy sits on Santa's lap. Santa says "I bet I know what you want for Christmas," and with his finger he taps the boys nose with every letter he spells "T-O-Y-S". The little boy thinks a second and says, "No, I have enough toys." Santa replies once again tapping the boys nose with every letter, "C-A-N-D-Y." Again the little boy thinks a second and says,
"No, I have all kinds of candy." "Well what would you like for Christmas?" Santa asks. The little boy replies, tapping Santa on the nose, "P-U-S-S-Y, And don't tell me you don't have any "because I can smell it on your finger!"
While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden found a bottle on a beach and picked it up. Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said "Master, may I grant you one wish?" "You ignorant unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything" barked Bin Laden. The shocked genie said, "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever." Osama thought a moment. Then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman, and said, "Very well, I want to awaken with three white women in my bed in the morning, so just do it and be off with you!" The annoyed genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared. The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton. His penis was gone, his knee was broken, and he had no health insurance.
Stupid people
When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at its intended victim during a holdup in Long Beach, California, would be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder: He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.
The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine out and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.
A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
An American teenager was in the hospital yesterday recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
We should feel sorry for the gay homeless population? When they play baseball they don’t know where to go when they round third base and even worse, they don’t have closets to come out of.
"The universe may not always be fair, but at least it has one hell of a sense of humour." -Carrie Bradshaw
Ketchup originated in China as a pickled fish sauce called ke-tsiap.
The following sign hangs in a local garage:
WOMEN’S AUTO REPAIR PRICE LIST
Ping-Ping-Ping .......$ 35.00
Plunk-Ping-Plunk ...$ 50.00
Klunk-Ping-Klunk ...$ 125.00
Thud-Klunk-Thud ....$ 200.00
Clang-Thud-Klank ...$ 325.00
A poll was conducted as to whether men prefer women with large thighs or women with thin thighs. The results were pretty surprising:
10% of those men surveyed preferred women with large thighs.
10% of the men preferred women with thin thighs.
And the other 80% preferred in-between.
Hillary Clinton was selected Monday the national issues spokesperson by the Democratic party. She immediately refused comment on the Ten Commandments display just ordered out of the Alabama Supreme Court lobby. Hillary Clinton isn't opposed to the Ten Commandments, but she's not exactly married to the idea, either.
Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand. – Unknown The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later a cow walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the cow's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed: "It's a miracle!" "Not really," said the cow. "Your name is written inside the cover." The South Pole is colder than the North Pole. (I knew that. The South Pole is where Santa goes for his ski vacations!) Sean Connery has been quiet of late, having done no work in quite a while. So he decides to phone his agent and find out what sort of jobs are going. The agent says that he'll make a few enquiries, but he isn't sure that there is much call for aging Scots actors, even of Sean's stature. The next day, the agent calls back and says "Sean, I have great news. I have found you a job. It's not great, but it's a start" "What ish it?" asks Sean "Its an advertisement for television. The producer is keen to meet you. You have to be there for ten-ish." "Tennish?" says Sean "But I don't have a racquet." Some cute sign: On a Septic Tank Truck sign: "We're #1 in the #2 business." Over a Gynecologist's Office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix." At a Proctologist's door "To expedite your visit please back in."
On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels." On a Fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment."
In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry - Come on in and get fed up."
In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."
At a Propane Filling Station. "Tank heaven for little grills."
And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."
A young woman was preparing for her wedding. She asked her mother to go out and buy a nice long black negligee and
carefully place it in her suitcase so it would not wrinkle. Well, Mom forgot until the last minute. So she dashed out but could only find a short pink nightie. She bought it and threw it into the suitcase. After the wedding the bride and groom enter their hotel room. The groom was a little self-conscious so he asked his new bride to change in the bathroom and promise not to peek while he got ready for bed. While she was in the bathroom she opened her suitcase and saw the negligee her mother had thrown in there. She exclaimed "Oh no, it's short, pink and wrinkled!" Then her groom cried out, "I told you not to peek!"
Have you heard about the new douche for women? Its made from marijuana, Arrid deodorant, and Kentucky Fried Chicken....it promises to leave you high dry and finger licking good. It was very crowded at the supermarket, and the customer in front of me had a large order. As the harried-looking clerk lifted the final bag for her, its bottom gave way, sending the contents crashing to the floor. "They just don't make
these bags like they used to," the clerk blurted to the customer. "That was supposed to happen in your driveway! Controversial Italian fertility doctor Severino Antinori said on Tuesday a woman pregnant with a cloned embryo was due to give birth in January, but declined to give any details about her. The doctor, who made world headlines in 1994 when he helped a 62-year-old woman have a child, supports the cloning of human beings as a way for infertile couples to have children. Having a baby at sixty-two must be very difficult, but at least she wouldn't have to pick the kid up to breast feed. Astrological After-sex Comments
Aries: "Okay, let's do it again!"
Taurus: "I'm hungry -- pass the pizza."
Gemini: "Have you seen the remote?"
Cancer: "When are we getting married?"
Leo: "Wasn't I fantastic?"
Virgo: "I need to wash the sheets."
Libra: "I liked it if you liked it."
Scorpio: "Perhaps I should untie you."
Sagittarius: "Don't call me -- I'll call you."
Capricorn: "Do you have a business card?"
Aquarius: "Now let's try it with our clothes off!"
Pisces: "What did you say your name was again?" PART ONE:
European Men Are So Much More Romantic Than American Men: By Alyssa Lerner Junior, Boston University
I just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, and let me tell you, it truly was the most magical, amazing experience of my entire life. The French countryside was like something out of a storybook, the Roman ruins were magnificent, and the men, well, European men are by far the most romantic in the world.
You American men all think you're so suave and sophisticated. Well, think again! European men make you look like the immature, inexperienced little children you are. They really know how to make a woman feel special over there. Unlike the so-called men here in the States, European men know how to treat a woman right. For one thing, European men aren't afraid to come up and talk to you. And they know how to start slow, with a nice cup of Italian espresso or a long walk on some historic street. They know the places you can't find in any tourist guide. They know the whole history of the cities in which they live--who the fountains are named after, who the statues are. I remember one unforgettable night in Athens, I sat and listened to a Greek sailor for hours as he told me about the countless men who fought over Helen back in ancient times. Afterward, he told me he loved his homeland even more now that he'd seen it through my eyes. I ask you, would an American man ever say something as deep and beautiful as that? European men know the most romantic little cafis and bistros and trattorias, candlelit places where you can be alone and drink the most fantastic wine. They tell you what's on the menu and what you should try. (If it wasn't for a certain young man in Milan, I never would have discovered fusilli a spinaci et scampi.) And the whole time, they're looking deep into your eyes, like you're the only woman on the entire planet. What woman could resist a man like that? Then, after a moonlit stroll along the waterfront and a kiss in the doorway of their artist's loft, you find yourself unable to--well, I'll leave the rest to your imagination. I'll never forget my magical semester abroad. One thing's for sure--I'm ruined for American men forever!
PART TWO:
American Women Studying In Europe Are Unbelievably Easy By Giovanni Di Salvi
I'm a 25-year-old carpenter living in Rome, and I don't mind telling you that I get all the action I can handle. I'm not all that handsome or well-dressed, and I'm certainly not rich. In fact, my Italian countrywomen could take me or leave me. But that's just fine, because Rome gets loads of tourist traffic, and American co-eds traveling through Europe are without a doubt the easiest lays in the world. Being European gives me a hell of an advantage. I'm not sure why, but there's something about the accent that opens a lot of doors. All you have to do is go up to them, act a little shy and say, "Whould hyou like to go with me, Signorina, for a cafi?" I actually have to thicken up my accent a little, but they never, ever catch on. After a cheap coffee, which to them always tastes better than anything they've ever had, because they're in Europe, it's time to walk them. Now, all they know about Rome is what they've read in Let's Go, so you can pretty much just make up a whole bunch of shit. It's fun to see how much they'll swallow: As long as I refer to Italy as "my homeland" and other
Italians as "my people," they'll believe pretty much anything. I don't know who most of the local statues are, so I tell the muffins they're all great artists and poets and lovers. Once, just for the hell of it, I told a psychology major from the University of Maryland that a public staircase was part of the Spanish Steps, which she'd never even heard of. Another time, I told this blonde from Michigan State that the public library was the Parthenon, and she cooed like I'd just given her a diamond. For dinner, I usually take them to some cheap little hole in the wall, someplace deserted where not even the cops eat. American girls think candlelight means "romance," not "deteriorating public utilities," so they just poke their nipples through their J. Crew sweaters and never notice that there's no electricity. Just as well, because Roman restaurants aren't exactly the cleanest. After a bunch of fast-talk about the menu, I get them the special, which is usually some anonymous pasta with spinach and day-old shrimp, and whatever cheap, generic, Pope's-blood chianti's at the bottom of the list. By this time, they're usually standing in a slippery little puddle. Going in for the kill, I walk them past one of Rome's famous 2,000-year-old open cesspools. Then, as we open the door to my shitty efficiency, I kiss them on the eyelids so they don't see the roaches, making sure the first thing they see is the strategically positioned artist's easel I bought at some church sale. That's usually all they need to see and, like clockwork, they fall backwards on my bed with their Birkenstocks in the air. I mean, they're hardly Italian women, but we have a saying here in Europe: Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? What's the best way to catch Dolly Parton in the woods? Use a booby trap! Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are. Matt Lauer
Roger had set a double date for himself and his friend Troy. Roger said, "Troy, I'll give you first choice. Let me tellyou what they're like." "Okay," said his buddy. "Sandra has kind of a dumpy figure. She's short on looks, but she gives an incredible blowjob. Suzie is pretty and has a perfect pair of legs, which she shows off by wearing shoes with very high heels." "Say no more," interrupted Troy. "I'll go for head over heels anytime."
A deep-throated virgin named Netty,Was sucking a dick on the jetty.She said, "It tastes nice,Much better than rice;Though not quite as good as spaghetti."Letter from Santa,I have been watching you very closely to see if you have been good this year and since you have I will be telling my elves to make some goodies for me to leave under your tree at Christmas. I was going to bring you all gifts from the 12 days of Christmas, but we had a little problem. The 12 fiddlers fiddling have all come down with VD from fiddling with the 10 ladies dancing, the 11 lords leaping have knocked up the 8 maids a-milking, and the 9 pipers piping have been arrested for
doing weird things to the 7 swans a-swimming. The 6 geese a-laying, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves and the partridge in a pear tree have me up to my sled runners in bird shit. On top of all this Mrs. Claus is going through menopause, 8 of my reindeer are in heat, the elves have joined the gay liberation and some people who can't read a calendar have scheduled Christmas for the 5th of January. Maybe next year I will be able to get my shit together and bring you the things you want. This year I suggest you get your asses down to Walmart before everything is gone.
Sincerely,
Santa Claus A little gush of wind
Straight from the heart;
It tickled down my backbone
And came out as a fart.
A fart can be useful;
It gives the body ease,
It warms the bed in winter
And suffocates the fleas.
In a small town in Tennessee, Big Bubba decides it's time for his son, 14 year old Billy Bob, to learn the facts of life. He takes him to the local house of ill repute, which is fronted by a beauty parlor. Bubba introduces Billy Bob to the madam, and explains that it's time for his indoctrination to sex." The madam says, "Bubba you've been such a good customer over the years, I'm going to see to this personally and see he gets the full treatment including a manicure." Two weeks later Bubba and Billy Bob run into the madam on the main street. Billy Bob is acting a little shy so the madam smiles and says, "Well, Billy Bob, don't you remember me?" "Yes ma'am the boy stammers, "You're the lady that gave me the crabs and then cut off my fingernails so I couldn't scratch 'em."
I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice really chilled her mood.
A can of Diet Coke will float in water while a can of regular Coke sinks.
An Englishman, Welshman, Scotsman and an Irishman were all sitting down discussing what is the fastest thing in life. After much deliberation the Englishman said, "I believe it is the process of thought, it comes out in a flash" "Good try" agreed the Scot, "but I think Blinking is even quicker." "Pretty good but not quick enough, " quipped the Welshman. "I amsure electricity is faster; just think if you hit any light switch you get instant light" After a few moments Paddy cut in, "I believe you all have valid points but I think Diarrhea wins!" "What the hell are you talking about, Paddy?" chimed the threeother guys. "Well it is like this. Last night I went down to the local curry house for a vindaloo, which I washed down with 12 pints of Guinness, I then retired to bed. However at 3 o'clock in the morning, before I could think, blink or turn the light on, I shat myself!!
What Happens When You Fall In Love With...A chef? You get buttered up.A chauffeur? You get taken for a ride.A gambler? He cheats on you.A telephone operator? He gives you a phone-y line.A trash man? He dumps you.A clockmaker? He two-times you.A pastry cook? He deserts you.)A shoe salesman? He walks all over you.An elevator operator? He lets you down.An artist? He gives you the brush.A jogger? He gives you the run-around. More Steven Wrightisms
"I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes..."
"I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar." "I invented the cordless extension cord."
"I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance."
"I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving."
"I had to stop driving my car for a while...the tires got dizzy." "I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically."
"Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths." "I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums."
Unfortunately a lot of women see men as being very similar to an uppercase Q? They're both big fat zeroes with little tails hanging down.
"My stomach has been bothering me, Doctor," complained the patient. "What have you been eating?" asked the doctor. "That's easy. I only eat pool balls." "Pool balls?!" said the astonished doctor. "May be that's the trouble. What kind do you eat?" "All kinds," replied the man, "Red ones for breakfast, yellow and orange ones for lunch, blue ones for afternoon snacks, and purple and black for dinner." "I see the problem," said the doctor. "You haven't been getting any greens!"
This Good Looking Guy walks into a Lounge (meat market). Sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Sitting next to him is a short Bald headed, really ugly guy!! This gorgeous Blonde (perfect in every way) comes up to the Bald man and they start talking. A little while later they leave. This happens again the next two nights so he asks the bald guy, "I have been coming in here 3 nights in a row. I see you leave here with a different beautiful woman every night. How do you do it?" Well," the short, fat, ugly bald man says to him, "I'm a lawyer." "Hmm," The Good looking Guy thinks to himself. "A good idea!" As he is thinking, a blonde comes up to him and starts talking to him. She asked him what he did for a living and he told her that he was a lawyer. So she says, "Let's go back to my place", to which he agrees. Well, they are having a great time in bed - awesome sex!!! Well, after about an hour and a half, he starts laughing his head off!! The blond is very upset at this and asked him why he was laughing. He told her, "Here I have only been an attorney for an hour and a half, and already I'm screwing somebody!"
After spending three and a half hours enduring the long lines, surly clerks, and insane regulations at the Department of Motor Vehicles, I stopped at a toy store to pick up a gift for my son. I brought my selection - a baseball bat - to the cash register. "Cash or charge?" the clerk asked. "Cash," I snapped. Then, apologizing for my rudeness, I explained, "I'm terribly sorry... You see, I've spent the afternoon at the motor-vehicle bureau." "Shall I gift wrap the bat," the clerk asked sweetly, "or are you going straight back to the DMV?"
Well guys, I think we’ve got a few rough patches ahead. You’re probably already forgetting names, and soon you will forget faces. Next you’ll forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you’ll forget to pull it down.
A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas. After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty four-wheel-drive vehicles." "She did," he replied. "But where the hell was I going to find a fake Jeep?"
A Draughtsman residing in Poole
Was possessed of a singular tool.
Said he, matter-of-factly,
It's twelve inches exactly
But I don't use it much as a rule
This was sent before, but as we are older, no one will notice.
The Age Test1. Name the Beatles. ____, _____, _____ and _____.2. Finish the line: "Lions and Tigers and Bears, ____ ____ !"3. "Hey kids, what time is it?" ____ ____ ____ ____.4. What do M&M's do? ____ ____ ____ ____, ____ ____ ____ ____.5. What helps build strong bodies 12 ways? _____ _____.6. Long before he was Mohammed Ali, we knew him as ____ ____.7. You'll wonder where the yellow went, ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ___.8. Post-baby boomers know Bob Denver as the Skipper's "little buddy." But we know that Bob Denver is actually Dobie's closest friend, ______ G. _______.9. M-I-C: See ya' real soon; K-E-Y: _____? ____ _____ _____ _____!10. "Brylcream: ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____."11. Bob Dylan advised us never to trust anyone _____ _____.12. From the early days of our music, real rock 'n roll, finish this line:"I wonder, wonder, wonder...wonder who; ____ ______ _____ _____ _____ _____?"13. And while we're remembering rock n' roll, try this one: "War...uh-huh, huh...yea; what is it good for? , _____ _____."14. Meanwhile, back home in Metropolis, Superman fights a never-ending battle for truth, justice, and _____ ____ _____.15. He came out of the University of Alabama and became one of the best quarterbacks in the history of the NFL. He later went on to appear in a television commercial wearing women's stockings. He is Broadway _____ _____.16. "I'm Popeye the sailor man; I'm Popeye the sailor man. I'm strong to the finish, ____ ____ ____ ____ ____. I'm Popeye the sailor man."17. Your children probably recall that Peter Pan was recently played by Robin Williams, but we will always remember when Peter was played by____ ____.18. In a movie from the late sixties, Paul Newman played Luke, a ne'er do well who was sent to a prison camp for cutting off the heads of parking meters with a pipe cutter. When he was captured after an unsuccessful attempt to escape, the camp commander, (played by Strother Martin) used this experience as a lesson for the other prisoners, and explained, "What we have here, ____ ____ ____ ____ ____."19. In 1962, a dejected politician chastised the press after losing a race for governor while announcing his retirement from politics. "Just think, you won't have ____ ____ to kick around anymore."20. "Every morning, at the mine, you could see him arrive; He stood six foot, six, weighed 245. Kinda' broad at the shoulder, and narrow at the hip. And everybody knew you didn't give no lip, ____ ____,____ ____ ____."21. "I found my thrill, ____ ____ ____."
22. ____ ____ said, "Good night, Mrs. Calabash, ____ ____ ____."23. "Good night, David." "____ ____,____."24. "Liar, liar, ____ ____ ____."25. "When it's least expected, you're elected. You're the star today. ____! ____ ____ ____ ____."26. It was Pogo, the comic strip character, who said, "We have met the enemy, and ____ ____ ____."SCROLL DOWN FOR ANSWER
ANSWERS:1. John, Paul, George, Ringo2. Oh, my3. It's Howdy Doody Time!4. They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.5. Wonder Bread6. Cassius Clay7. when you brush your teeth with Pepsodent8. Maynard G. Krebbs9. Why? Because we like you.10. A little dab'll do ya.11. over 3012. who wrote the book of love13. Absolutely nothin'14. the American way15. Joe Namath16. "cause I eats me spinach"17. Mary Martin18. is a failure to communicate19. Richard Nixon20. Big John, Big Bad John21. On Blueberry Hill22. Jimmy Durante - Wherever you are.23. Good night, Chet.24. pants on fire25. Smile you're on Candid Camera26. he is usSCORING:24-26 correct - You're probably 50+ years old20-23 correct - Most likely in your 40's15-19 correct - Are we in our 30's?10-14 correct - Must be in your 20's!!1- 9 correct - You're, like......
The naughty old bishop of BirminghamBuggered two boys whilst confirming 'em.As they knelt before GodHe pulled out his rodAnd pumped his Episcopal sperm in 'em.
Interesting anacronyms:
IACOCCA, anacronym of: I Am Chairman Of Chrysler Corporation America
BUSH, anacronym of: Beat Up Saddam Hussein !
CLINTON, anacronym of: Call Lewinsky I Need The Oral Now
OSAMA, anacronym of: Oh Shit American Missiles Again!
Actual School Absence Excuse Notes: These are excuse notes from parents (including original spelling) collected by schools from all over the country and published in Richard Lederer’s book, ‘Anguished English’1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.2. Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.3. Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.4. Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.5. Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.10. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.11. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the shits. [words in ()'s were crossed out.]12. Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.14. Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.16. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.17. Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.20. Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.22. Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.23. Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.24. Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.
Psychiatrists say that one out of four people are mentally ill. Unfortunately, one out of three psychiatrists are mentally ill.
There was a young man from New Castle,
Who received a brown paper parcel.
In it was shit,
And on it was writ,
A message to you from my asshole.
What happens when you catch Martha Stewart on a bad day? The following helpful hints:
- If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.- Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away. - Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.- Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.- An empty aluminum cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes a wonderful inexpensive vibrator.- Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the toilet seat by simply peeing in the sink.- High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.- A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.
A farmer passed away and left seventeen mules to his three sons. The instructions left in the will said that the oldest boy was to get one-half, the second oldest one-third, and the youngest one-ninth. The three sons, recognizing the difficulty of dividing 17 mules into these fractions began to argue. Their uncle Earl heard about the argument, hitched up his mule and drove out to settle the matter. Uncle Earl added his mule to the 17, making 18. The oldest therefore got one-half, or 9, the second oldest got one-third, or 6, and the youngest got one-ninth, or 2. Adding up 9, 6 and 2 equals 17. Then uncle Earl, having settled the argument, hitched up his mule and drove home. Uncle Earl is an occasional consultant to Arthur Andersen.
A girl who hiked o'er the landOnce showed me a trick with her hand.She zipped down her pants,Adjusted her stance,And peed out my name in the sand!New meds for women:
Damitol : Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 hours. St. Mom's Wort : Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours. Empty Nestrogen : Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out. Peptobimbo : Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting. Dumerol : When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I.Q. causing enjoyment of country western music. Flipitor: Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers. Antiboyotics : When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up. Menicillin : Potent antiboyotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person... can we get naked now?" Buyagra : Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree. Extra Strength Buy-One-all : When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donny Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura. JackAsspirin : Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number. Antitalksident : A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers. Sexcedrin : More effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not now, dear, I have a headache," syndrome. Ragamat : When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.
The difference between a woman and a politician: When a woman says no, she means maybe. When she says maybe, she means yes. And if she says yes, she's not a woman. When a politician says yes, he means maybe. When he says maybe, he means no. If he says no, he's not a politician.Which part of a vegetable can you not eat? The Wheelchair!
What's so good about an Ethiopian blow job? You know she'll swallow.I think it's important to remember that we just can't be good at everything. For example, look at Elton John - he’s a great pianist, but I hear he sucks on the organ.
A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 AM. Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. She sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache." "Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store. As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "aren't you Officer Fenwick of the 8th District?" "Yes, I am," said the officer. "Well, then, what in the world are you doing in the Fire Chief's uniform?"
The Newfoundland-Labrador Police received reports of illegal cock fights being held in the area around Goose Bay, and duly dispatched the infamous detective Jean-Guy Demers to investigate. He reported to his sergeant the next morning. "Dey is tree main groups in dis cock fightin'" he began. "Good work. Who are they?" the sergeant asked. Demers replied confidently, "De Newfies, de French Canadiens, and de Mafia." Puzzled, the sergeant asked, "How did you find that out in one night?" "Well," he replied, "I went down and done seen dat cock fight. I knowed the Newfies was involved when a duck was entered in the fight." The sergeant nodded, "I'll buy that. But what about the others?" Demers intoned knowingly, "Well, I knowed de French Canadiens was involved when summbody bet on de duck." "Ah," sighed the sergeant, "And how did you deduce the Mafia was involved?" "De duck won."
Texas Chili
NOTE: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome. The notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, So I accepted." (Hence, he is Judge #3) Here are the scorecards from the event: Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili Judge # 1-- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick. Judge # 2-- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild Judge # 3-- (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy. Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang. Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face. Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans. Judge # 2 -- A bean-less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers. Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer. Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. bitch is starting to look HOT-just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac? Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers. Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb. Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone. Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slides unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like shit to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, its too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach. Chili #8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili.
The Priest met his friend, the Rabbi, and says to him "You have taught me many things but there is one thing in particular I want to learn very much but you do not wish to teach it to me. I want you to teach me the Talmud. The Rabbi replied: You are a Non-Jew and you have the brain of a Non-Jew. There is no chance that you will succeed in understanding the Talmud. But the Priest continued in his attempt to persuade the Rabbi to teach him the Talmud. Finally, the Rabbi agreed. The Rabbi then said to the Priest: I agree to teach you the Talmud on condition that you answer one question. The Priest agreed and asked the Rabbi "What is the Question? The Rabbi then said to the Priest: Two men fall down through the chimney. One comes out dirty and the other comes out clean. "Who of those two goes to wash up." "Very simple," replied the Priest. "The one who is dirty goes to wash up but the one who is clean does not go to wash up." The Rabbi then said to the Priest: "I told that that you will not succeed in understanding the Talmud." "The exact opposite happened." "The clean one looks at the dirty one and thinks that he is also dirty goes to wash up. The dirty one, on the other hand, looks at the clean one and thinks that he is also clean and, therefore, does not go to wash up." The Priest then says to the Rabbi: "This I did not think of. Ask me, please another question." The Rabbi then says to the Priest: "Two men fall down through the chimney. One comes out dirty and the other comes out clean." "Who of these two goes to wash up?" The Priest then says to the Rabbi: "Very simple." "The clean one looks at the dirty one and thinks he is also dirty and goes to wash up. The dirty one, on the other hand, looks at the clean one and thinks that he is also clean and, therefore, does not go to wash up." The Rabbi then says to the Priest: "You are wrong again." "I told you that you will not understand." "The clean one looks into the mirror, sees that he is clean and, therefore, does not go to wash up. The dirty one looks into the mirror, sees that he is dirty and goes to wash up." The Priest complains to the Rabbi "But you did not tell me that that there is a mirror there." The Rabbi then tells the Priest: "I told you. You are a Non-Jew, with your brain you will not succeed in understanding the Talmud. According to the Talmud, you have to think of all the possibilities." "Alright," groaning, said the Priest to the Rabbi. "Let us try once more. Ask me one more question." For the last time, said the Rabbi to the Priest. Two men fall through the chimney. One came out dirty and the other came out clean. Who of these two went to wash up?" That is very simple replied the Priest. "If there is no mirror there the clean one will look at the dirty one and will think that he is also dirty and will, therefore, go to wash up. The dirty one will look at the clean one and will think that he is also clean, and will, therefore, not go to wash up. If there is a mirror there, the clean one will look into the mirror and will, therefore, not go to wash up. The dirty one will look into the mirror and will see that he is dirty and will, therefore go to wash up." The Rabbi then says to the Priest: "I told that you will not succeed in understanding." "You are a Non-Jew, you have a Non-Jewish Brain." "Tell me: How is it possible for two men to fall through a chimney and for one to come out dirty and for the other to come out clean?"
Zen Judaism, excerpted from David M. Bader's "Zen Judaism: For You, a Little Enlightenment." Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated? Though only your skin, sinews, and bones remain, though your blood and flesh dry up and wither away, yet shall you meditate and not stir until you have attained full Enlightenment. But first, a little nosh. Accept misfortune as a blessing. Do not wish for perfect health or a life without problems. What would you talk about? Let go of pride, ego, and opinions. Admit your errors and forgive those of others. Relinquishment will lead to calm and healing in your relationships. If that doesn't work, try small-claims court. There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never visited. And whose fault was that? The Torah says, "Love they neighbor as thyself." The Buddha says there is no "self." So maybe you are off the hook. If there is no self, whose arthritis is this? Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage is another story. Do not let children play contact sports like football. These only lead to injuries and instill a violent, war-like nature. Encourage your child to play peaceful games, like "sports doctor." The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single oy.
Why don't Jewish mothers drink? Alcohol interferes with their suffering. Have you seen the newest Jewish-American Princess horror movie? It's called "Debbie Does Dishes". Why do Jewish Mothers make great parole officers? They never let anyone finish a sentence. Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife? Under the vacuum cleaner. What is the definition of a Jewish menage a trois? Two headaches and a hard-on. An ad found in the Australian Canberra Times, Personals
Wanted A tall well-built woman with good
reputation, who can cook frogs
legs, who appreciates a good fuc-
schia garden, classic music and tal-
king without getting too serious.
Interested? Then please only read
lines 1, 3 and 5; still interested?
Call me at...... 8250-0327
I always say shopping is cheaper than a psychiatrist.
When your wife asks, "Do I look fat"? The correct response is, "Do I look stupid?"
Money doesn't talk, it swears.
Sex is:
Like Nokia (connecting people)
Like Nike (Just do it)
Like Pepsi (ask for more)
Like Coca Cola (Enjoy)
Like me (too good to be true)
We ought to do good to others as simply as a horse runs, or a bee makes honey, or a vine bears grapes season after season without thinking of the grapes it has borne. - Marcus Aurelius
We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence then, is not an act, but a habit. – Aristotle
Most great men and women are not perfectly rounded in their personalities, but are instead people whose driving enthusiasm is so great it makes their faults seem insignificant. - Charles A. Cerami
About a third of Americans flush while they are still sitting on the toilet.
How does Michael Jackson pick his nose? From a catalog!
Mosquitoes are attracted to the color blue twice as much as to any other color. (must drive those Smurfs crazy!) It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner, "What are you charged with?" "Doing my Christmas shopping early", replied the defendant. "That's not an offense", said the judge. "How early were you doing this
shopping?" "Before the store opened", countered the prisoner.
RULES OF GOLF
Men of all types play golf, but not men of all professions. Golf was made to be an expensive sport so that blue-collar workers could not afford it on purpose. And it has nothing to do with being snobby or anything like that. It simply was a way to make sure that truckers and plumbers did not give you their patented quick cheek sneak as they bent over to retrieve the ball out of the cup. There are all kinds of dress codes and laws on a golf course, but more importantly, there are laws of life that you will adhere to if you play the game.
LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, you should have inner peace knowing that a shittier one is yet to come.
(This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.)
LAW 2: Your worst round will follow your best round of golf, almost immediately, ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.
LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. (Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water. Expensive clubs have been known to be partly made
with this most unusual natural alloy.)
LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and
should be cut down.
LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant, "You looked up,"
or invoke the wrath of the universe.
LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor. (Funny how this law
applies to men who have no sex and advice on picking up women.)
LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire. (Funny how this law applies to women.)
LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.
LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.
LAW 10: Sand is alive. It will swallow your balls. Your wife won't. You can't collect on insurance on your wife. Deal with it.
LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.
LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.
LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed. (Your Mother-in-law does not come close.)
LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law three).
LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.
LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to
miss an easy one, asshole."
LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.
LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.
LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.
LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset.
A horny young woman named Kate,Had hoped for a really hot date.But despite lots of kissing,His erection was missing;So next time she'll just masturbate. A guy was sitting in an airplane when another guy took the seat beside him. The new guy was a wreck, pale, hands shaking, biting his nails and moaning in fear. "Hey, pal, what's the matter?" said the first guy. "OmiGod.... I've been transferred to Los Angeles, California," the second answered. "They've got race riots, drugs. The highest crime rate....."
"Hold on," said the first. "I've been in L.A all my life, and its not bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a good school and it's as safe as anywhere in the world." The second guy stopped shaking for a moment and said "Oh, thank God. I was worried to death, but if you live there and say it's ok, I'll take your word for it. .....What do you do for a living?" "...Me?" said the first, "...I'm a tail gunner on a bread truck."
WHY CHRISTMAS TREES ARE BETTER THAN MEN
1. A Christmas tree is always erect.
2. Even small ones give satisfaction.
3. A Christmas tree stays up for 12 days and nights.
4. A Christmas tree always looks good - even when it's lit.
5. A Christmas tree is always happy with its size
The best exercise for losing weight is to move the head slowly from right to left when offered a second helping at the dinner table.
What do you call a gay gentleman from the Deep South? A homo-sex-y'all.
The difference between hobos and homos is that hobos have no friends and homos have friends coming out their ass.
SEX is like math. You SUBTRACT the clothes, ADD the bed, DIVIDE the legs, then MULTIPLY.
There once was a man named Starky
Who had an affair with a Donkey
The result of his Sins
Was Quadruplets, not Twins
One Black, One White and Two Khakhi.
Arkansas State Residency Application
ARKANSAS STATE RESIDENCY APPLICATION
Name: ________________ (_) Billy-Bob (last) (_) Billy-Joe (_) Billy-Ray (_)
Billy-Sue (_) Billy-Mae (_) Billy-Jack (_) Billy-Jefferson (Check appropriate box)
Age: ____
Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
Occupation: (_)Farmer (_)Mechanic (_)Hair Dresser (_)Unemployed
Spouse's Name: __________________________
Relationship with spouse: (_) Sister (_) Brother (_) Aunt (_) Uncle (_)
Cousin (_) Mother (_) Father (_) Son (_) Daughter (_) Pet
Number of children living in household: ___
Number that are yours: ___
Mother's Name: _______________________
Father's Name: _______________________ (If not sure, leave blank)
Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)
___ Total number of vehicles you own ___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard ___ Number of vehicles in back yard ___
Number of vehicles on cement blocks
Firearms you own and where you keep them: ____ truck ____ bedroom ____
bathroom ____ kitchen ____ shed
Model and year of your pickup: ___________194_
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to: (_)The National Enquirer (_)The Globe
(_)TV Guide (_)Soap Opera Digest
___ Number of times you've seen a UFO ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO
How often do you bathe: (_)Weekly (_)Monthly (_)Not Applicable
Color of teeth: (_)Yellow (_)Brownish-Yellow (_)Brown (_)Black (_)N/A
Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer: (_)Red-Man
How far is your home from a paved road? (_)1 mile (_)2 miles (_)don't know
What's the difference between a bartender and a proctologist? A proctologist only waits on one asshole at a time.
"Would you like to hear my sexual philosophy?" the boss asked the new coder. "Why yes sir, I think that would be interesting," she responded. "It's really quite simple," he said. "Get it Up... Get in In... Get it Off... and Get it Home." "Hmmmmmmm," she mused. "Sounds like the Four-Get-It system to me!"
I'm an obstetrics nurse at a large city hospital, where our patients are from may different countries and cultures. One day while waiting for a new mother to be transferred to our division, I checked the chart and assume that, because of her last name, she was of European descent. So when she was finally wheeled in, I was surprised to see that she was Asian. As I was performing the exam, we chatted and she told me she was Chinese and her husband's ethnic heritage was Czech. After a short pause she quipped, "I guess that makes my children Chinese Czechers!"
The young Scottish lad and his lassie are sitting on a low stone wall holding hands and gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sit silently, but finally the girl looks over at the boy. "A penny for your thoughts, Angus." Angus clears his throat. "Weel, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss." The girl blushes, but leans over and kisses Angus lightly on his cheek. It's his turn to blush. Then the two turn away once more to gaze out over the loch. Minutes pass, then the girl speaks again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." Angus turns towards her. "Weel, I was thinkin' mebbe it's noo aboot time Ah got a wee cuddle." The girl blushes, but she leans in to him and gives him a warm cuddle for a few seconds. He goes beet red. Then the twosome turn again to gaze out over the loch in front. After a while, she again says: "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." Angus takes a deep breath. "Weel,Ah was thinkin' mebbe it's aboot time ye let me pit ma hand on yer leg." At this, the girl blushes, but she reaches over, takes Angus' hand, and puts it on her knee. He blushes madly and they stare out over the loch for quite a while before she speaks once more. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." Her young swain swallows hard, and his brow furls. "Weel, noo," he says, "ma thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time." "Really?" the young girl says quietly, filled with anticipation. "Och, aye," says Angus, turning to look at her directly. The girl looks away shyly, and blushes vividly, biting her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request that she knows is coming. "Tell me," she whispers. "Weel," says Angus, "d'ye no' think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"
Old age comes at a bad time.
The older generation thought nothing about getting up at 5 AM every morning… The younger generation doesn't think much about it either.
People have candles on their birthday cake, to make light of their age.
One party girl remarked to another that with the advent of Viagara, the guys they had sex with seemed to be getting older and older. She said, "I can just see it now! Soon they'll start hollering, 'Who's your granddaddy! Who's your granddaddy!'"
A tough old cowboy once counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning. The grandson did this religiously and he lived to the very old age of 93. When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great grandchildren….. and a fifteen foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
Two strangers are sitting in adjacent seats in airplane. One guy says to the other, "Let's talk. I hear that the flight will go faster if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." The other guy, who had just opened a good book, closes it slowly, takes off his glasses and asks, "What would you like to discuss?" The first guy says, "Oh, I don't know; how about Nuclear Power?" The other guy says, "OK, that could make for some pretty interesting conversation. But let me ask you a question first: A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff. But the deer excretes pellets; the cow, big patties; and the horse, clumps of dried grass. Why is that?" The first guy says, "I don't know." The other guy says, "Oh? Well then, do you really think you're qualified to discuss Nuclear Power when you don't know shit?"
A woman was waiting in the check-out line at a shopping center...Her arms were laden with a mop and broom and other cleaning supplies. By her hard glances and deep sighs, it was obvious she was in a hurry and not a happy camper about the slowness of the line. When the cashier called for a price check on a box of soap, the woman remarked indignantly, "Well, I'll be lucky to get out of here and home before Christmas!" "Don't worry, ma'am," replied the clerk. "With a good tail wind and that brand new broom you have there, you'll be home in no time."
A not necessarily well-prepared student sat in his life science classroom, staring at a question on the final exam paper. The question directed: "Give four advantages of breast milk." What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best:
1. No need to boil.
2. Never goes sour.
3. Available whenever necessary.
So far so good - maybe. But the exam demanded a fourth answer. Again, what to write? Once more, he sighed. He frowned. He scowled, then sighed again. Suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly, he scribbled his definitive answer:
4. Available in attractive containers of varying sizes.
He received an A.
Bruce, a gay man, asks his stylist what he might do about his thinning hair. She says, "Try Vaseline on your scalp, I heard it grows hair." So he goes home and gobs Vaseline all over his scalp. Later his gay partner gets home and says, "What the hell is that on your head?" Bruce replies, "Vaseline. My stylist says it grows hair." His partner replies, "C’mon Bruce. If that were really true, you’d have a ponytail growing out of your ass!"
In this age of safe sex the need for condoms are a must but some people still have a difficult time buying them. Take my friend, Joe. Our local store carries condoms behind the counter and you need to ask the salesperson to get them. So Joe went up to the salesperson, but he was so nervous he could only ask where the straws were. So he bought the straws and left only to have to come back to buy his condoms. Again Joe came into the store and was still so nervous he could only ask where the tweezers were, so he bought a pair of tweezers and left. Joe once again had to go back and buy his condoms. He went up to the salesperson and said, in a low tone, "I need some condoms." The salesperson rang up the sale and said, "First you come in to buy straws, then to buy tweezers, and now to buy condoms." "What I want to know is..... are you going to suck it, pluck it, or fuck it?"
The Amazon rainforest produces half the world's oxygen supply. (That’s funny, Amazons usually take my breath away)
‘Stewardesses’ is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand. (So what are you doing with the right?)
American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first class. (obviously not enough!)
315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were missspelled.
When I picked up my Ford Escort at the service station after some minor repairs, I paid by check as usual. A couple of weeks later, I came home from work to find my fiancee quite upset. She gave me the silent treatment until I figured out why she was so angry. She had noticed the canceled check and, on the memo line I had written "Escort Service."
"Michael Jackson dangled a kid over a balcony today...""Strange, he normally tosses them off."
James Bond star Pierce Brosnan, who is 50 next year, told the Australian press he hopes he stops playing 007 before he "embarrasses himself". He says he thinks his body will tell him when it is time to stop playing Bond.
SIGNS YOU'RE TOO OLD TO PLAY JAMES BOND:--You drive an Aston Martin with missle launchers, laser beams, and an invisibility shield, but you leave your turnsignal blinker on the whole time you're driving.--"The name is Bond - Sea Bond Denture Adhesive..."--"Vodka Martini, with Metamucil - shaken, not stirred..."--You need to wear a bigger bra than Halle Berry.--You fire your PPK at a bald, hunched-over, yellow-eyed man stroking a cat and staring back at you - then realize you'reshooting at yourself in the mirror.
An elderly woman and her little grandson, whose face was sprinkled with bright freckles, spent the day at the zoo. Lots of children were waiting in line to get their cheeks painted by a local artist who was decorating them with tiger paws. "You've got so many freckles, there's no place to paint!" a girl in the line said to the little fella. Embarrassed, the little boy dropped his head. His grandmother knelt down next to him. "I love your freckles. When I was a little girl I always wanted freckles," she said, while tracing her finger across the child's cheek. "Freckles are beautiful." The boy looked up, "Really?" "Of course," said the grandmother. "Why just name me one thing that's prettier than freckles." The little boy thought for a moment, peered intensely into his grandma's face, and softly whispered, "Wrinkles."
Morris realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but he felt unwilling to spend much money. "How much do they cost?" he asked the salesperson. "That depends," he said. "They run from $2.00 to $2,000." "Let's see the $2.00 model," said Morris the miser. The salesperson put the device around Morris' neck. "You just stick this big plug bit in your ear and run this little string down to your pocket," he instructed. "How does it work?" asked Morris. "Arte you kidding? For $2.00 it doesn't work," the salesperson replied. "But it’s very big and when people see it on you, they'll talk louder!"
'Twas The Night Before Christmas - Jewish Style***********************************************'Twas the night before Christmas, and we, being Jews, My girlfriend and me, we had nothing to do. The Gentiles were home, hanging stockings with care, Secure in the knowledge St. Nick would be there. But for us, once the Hanukkah candles burned down, There was nothing but boredom all over our town. The malls and the theaters were all closed up tight; There weren't any concerts to go to that night. A dance would have saved us, some ballroom or swing, But we searched through the papers; there wasn't a thing. Outside the window sat two feet of snow; With the wind-chill, they said it was fifteen below. And while all I could do was sit there and brood, My girl saved the night and called out "CHINESE FOOD!" So we ran to the closet, grabbed hats, mitts and boots To cover out heads, our hands, and our foots. We pulled on our jackets, all puffy with down. And boarded "The L," bound for old Chinatown. In search of a restaurant: "Which one? Lets decide!" We chose "Hunan Chozer," and ventured inside. Around us sat other Jews, their platters piled high With the finest of foods their money could buy: There was roast duck and squid, sweet, sour and spiced,Dried beef and mixed veggies, lo mein and fried rice,
Whole fish and moo shu and "shrimp" chow mee foon, And General Gaus chicken and ma po tofu.... When at last we decided, and the waiter did call, We said: "Skip the menu!" and ordered it all. And when in due time the food was all made, It came to the table in a sort of parade. Before us sat dim sum, spare ribs and egg rolls, And four different soups, in four great, huge bowls. The courses kept coming, from spicy to mild, And higher and higher toward the ceiling were piled. So much piled up, one dish after the other, My girlfriend and I couldn't see one another! Now we sat there, we two, without proper utensils, While they handed us something that looked like two pencils. We ate till we couldn't and drank down our teas And barely had room for our fortune cookies. But my fortune was perfect; it summed up the mood When it said: "Even if it was kosher, it was still Chinese food!." And my girlfriend-well ... she got a real winner; Hers said: "Your companion will pay for the dinner." Our bellies were full and at last it was time To travel back home and write some bad rhyme Of our Chinatown trek, and to privately speak About trying to refine our chopstick technique.The MSG spun round and round in our heads, As we tripped and we laughed and gaily we said,
As we carried our leftovers home through the night; "Good Yom Tov to all-and to all a Good Night!"
CAROLS FOR THE PSYCHIATRICALLY CHALLENGED
Schizophrenia Do you hear what I hear?Multiple Personality Disorder We three queens disoriented are!Dementia I think I’ll be home for Christmas.Narcissistic Hark the herald angels sing about me.Manic Deck the halls and walls and house and lawn and streets and stores and office and town and cars and busses and trucks and trees and fire hydrants and..Paranoid Santa Claus is coming to get me!Borderline Personality Disorder Thoughts of roasting on an open fire.Personality Disorder You better watch out, I’m gonna cry, I’m gonna pout, maybe I’ll tell you why.Obsessive Compulsive Disorder Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle bells ……
A British woman may have discovered the ultimate in car security when she started her vehicle with a hi-tech electronic key -- lodged inside the belly of her one-year-old son. The Daily Telegraph newspaper reported on Tuesday that 34-year-old Amanda Webster called for roadside assistance when her car refused to start after a shopping trip near her home in west London. Her son Oscar had been sucking on the key. A patrolman sent to help noticed that part of the key -- a pill-sized radio transponder that acts as a security device -- was missing and guessed that Oscar might have swallowed it. "She sat him on her lap and made sure that his tummy was pressed up against the wheel," Keith Scott told the Telegraph. "She turned the key and the car started," he said. "I guess this was the ultimate in car security..." Now the only problem is she needs to have another kid, to use as a spare!
There was a young lady from Chester,
Who stood in a field and undressed her,
A copper came by,
Admiring her beauty,
But it took 24 hours to arrest her.
There was a Great Dog Convention.They come from near and far.Some came on bicycles,and some came in cars. Y'know, before they could enter,or even take a look,they had to take their asshole off,and hang it on a hook. But before they even got seated, (every mother, pup, and sire),An old dog hollered from the back,"Run for your life. It's a FIRE!" The crowd of dogs began to panic,and nobody stopped to look.They grabbed the very nearest asshole,off the very nearest hook. And this is why, even today,a dog will drop a bone,to sniff another dog's asshole,to see if it's his own.
During the course of being interviewed by the press, the noted doctor was asked by a reporter: "Doctor, did you ever make a serious mistake?" "Yes, was the reply, "I once cured a millionaire in three visits!"
Winters are fierce in northern Scotland, so the laird of the estate felt he was doing a good deed when he bought earmuffs for his foreman. Noticing, however, that the man wasn't wearing the earmuffs even on the bitterest day, the laird asked, "Didn't you like the muffs?" The foreman said, "Och, a lovely gift, sir." "Well then, why don't you wear them?" asked the laird. The fellow explained, "Well, I was wearing them the first day, but a fella offered to stand me a dram and I didna' hear him!"
There once was a lady from Exeter,
And all the young men threw their sex at her.
So just to be crude,
She laid in the nude,
While her parrot, a pervert, took pecks at her.
Where is Engagement Ohio? Between Dayton and Marion!
Life is like a penis: When it's soft, you can't beat it, and when it's hard, you get fucked!
A chap steps into a bar while vacationing in Miami Beach, and orders a Martini consisting of twenty-four parts gin, and one part vermouth. "Coming up!" said the bartender, with a surprised look on his face. "Like a slice of lemon peel twisted in it?" "Look sonny," snapped the fellow, "When I want lemonade, I'll asked for it!"
A blonde pulls over at the gas station, gets out of her car, opens the hood, and checks the engine oil. After a few seconds of intelligent thinking, she takes the dipstick in her hand and, raising her chest high, walks up to the attendant. "Excuse me sir, but can I buy a longer dipstick?" "May I ask why you need a longer one ma'am?" "Because this one isn't long enough to reach the oil!"
It takes 8.5 minutes for light to get from the sun to earth.
90 percent of women who walk into a department store immediately turn to the right.
The total weight of all insects Earth, is twelve times greater than the weight of all people.
In the U.S., there are, on average, three sex change operations per day.
400 quarter pounders can be made out of one cow.
A guy goes into a bar and picks up a tall woman. After a night of drinking and dancing they go back to his place. She unzips his fly and starts playing with his dick. "Wow," he says, "you really know how to handle a dick!" "I should," she replies, "I used to have one."
Little Johnny asked his Aunt Wendy how old she was. "39 and holding," replied Auntie Wendy. Little Johnny thought for a moment, then said, "And how old would you be if you let go?"
A bunch of guys were sitting around a bar talking about things they bet on. A woman down at the end of the bar says, "Hey guys, I want some of that action!" The bartender says; "Oh Yeah! What do you wanna bet on?" Woman: "Most anything." Bartender: "Like what for instance?" Woman: "See that wall over their? I bet I can pee higher on that wall than you can!" Bartender: (Thinks about this for a minute) "I'll take that bet! How much do you want to wager?" Woman: "You name your poison." Bartender: "I'll bet you a hundred dollars." Woman: "Ok!" Bartender: "Ladies first." The woman pulls up her dress, pulls down her panties, leans back and pees. "Your turn," she replies. The bartender can hardly hold back his laughter as he looks at the mark on the wall just inches above the floor. He unzips his pants gets his sure fire $100 tool out and gets ready to pee. The woman takes a look at him and shouts, "Hey... NO HANDS!"
Nothing impairs driving judgment like that powdery white stuff. Just a little bit of that goes a long way toward inducing accidents and turning even normal, level-headed drivers into menaces on the highway. You know what I'm talking about. Snow. (Just say no to snow.) Living in the frozen tundra of Ontario (an Indian word for stiff nipples), you would think that drivers here would be accustomed to driving in snow and ice. Au contraire. (That's French for "oh contraire," the national anthem of Contraire.) Rather, these individuals, who have driven through snow since they first got their license, become like teens on their first day of driver's education when even just a dusting of white flakes is on the ground. The sight of the beautiful snow falling softly to the ground, and the picturesque winter wonderland scene make them forget everything they know about driving. Even the little details are forgotten, like the fact that ice is slippery, especially when wet. You can't stop as quickly or turn as sharply on snow. Maybe they think it will be different this time. Maybe the cold has just numbed their brains. Maybe they were never really good drivers to begin with.
HOLLYWOOD EXPLAINED -- thanks John Putch
How many Executive Producers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Executive Producers don't screw in a light bulb, they screw in a hot tub.
How many Agents does it take to screw in a light bulb? Actually, agents will screw in just about anything.
How many Studio Executives does it take to screw in a light bulb? We don't know. Light bulbs last longer than studio executives.
How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb? 100: One to do it and ninety-nine to say, "I could've done that."
How many D.P.s does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. No, two. No... How many do we have on the truck?
How many art directors does it take to screw in a light bulb? Does it have to be a light bulb? I've got this neat candle holder...
How many editors does it take to change a light bulb? If we change the light bulb, we'll have to change everything.
How many P.A.s does it take to screw in a light bulb? Nine........one to do it and eight others to wish they'd been asked.
No really... How many P.A.s does it take to screw in a li... Done!
How many Development Executives does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. One to take notes while the other screws it into the faucet.
How many Screenwriters does it take to screw in a light bulb? The bulb's IN and it's staying IN!
How many 1st A.D.s does it take to screw in a light bulb? Why the f--k are you asking me that question? Can't you see I'm busy!
How many U.P.M.s does it take to screw in a light bulb? None! If you'd just make it a day exterior we wouldn't be screwing around with all these damn light bulbs!"
How many casting directors does it take to screw in a light bulb? Well, if I really had to choose, there's this bulb, he's a little oversized for the socket but he burns really bright, or there's this little bulb, he is really energy efficient if you want to save time and money, or there's a fabulous bulb I just saw in a showcase, he has no name value whatsoever, but the design was to die for…
How many extras does it take to screw in a light bulb? Is the light bulb S.A.G.? How did it get it's card? Did it know someone?
How many publicists does it take to screw in a light bulb? That is a total rumor. The light bulb has some very good friends, but at this time, is not interested in screwing.
How many directors does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. The director holds the light bulb and the rest of the world revolves around him
How many prop masters does it take to screw in a light bulb? Light bulb? Light bulb? The script doesn't mention any light bulbs!
How many union electricians does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. You got a problem with that?
A recent study found out which days men prefer to have sex. It was found that men preferred to engage in sexual activity on the days that started with the letter "T". Example of those days are: Tuesday, Thursday, Thanksgiving, Today, Tomorrow, Thaturday and Thunday
A recent survey was conduccted to discover why men get out of bed in the middle of the night: 5% said it was to get a glass of water. 83% said it was to go home.
Jellyfish have no brains yet they can sense movement. (let the politician jokes begin)
Winona Ryder's hired lip, Mark Geragos, told Larry King that "Winona is going to be bigger and better than ever... she's got quite a few roles in the offing." Among the scripts she's now considering: "Saks and the Single Girl", "Fitting Room With a View", "Edwina Scissorhands" and "What Pricetag Glory".
Pete Rose is seeking readmission to baseball. He's confident that major league officials will OK his reentry. In fact,... he's willing to bet on it.
A guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there. "You talk?" he asks "Yep," the mutt replies. "So, what's your story?" The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired." The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says, "Ten dollars." The guy says he'll buy him but asks the owner, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him?" The owner replies, "Because he's such a fucking liar."
One day at kindergarten a teacher said to the class of 5-year-olds, "I'll give $2 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived." An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St.Patrick." The teacher said, "Sorry Sean, that's not correct." Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Andrew." The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either." Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ." The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Marvin, come up here and I'll give you the $2." As the teacher was giving Marvin his money, she said, "You know Marvin, since you're Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ." Marvin replied, "Yeah. In my heart I knew it was Moses, but business is business..."
In the heat of litigation, tempers often flare and lawyers sometimes have difficulty expressing their frustrations. When English fails, Yiddish may come to the rescue. So it happened that defense attorneys arguing in a recent summary judgment motion in federal court in Boston wrote, in a responsive pleading, 'It is unfortunate that this Court must wade through the dreck of plaintiff's original and supplemental statement of undisputed facts. The plaintiffs' attorneys, not to be outdone, responded with a motion that could double as a primer on practical Yiddish for lawyers.
UNITED STATES DISTRICT COURT, DISTRICT OF MASSACHUSETTS
MONICA SANTIAGO, Plaintiff, v. SHERWIN-WILLIAMS COMPANY, et al. Defendants. Civ. No. 87-2799-T
PLAINTIFF'S MOTION TO STRIKE IMPERTINENT AND SCANDALOUS MATTER
Plaintiff, by her attorneys, hereby moves this Court pursuant to Rule12(f) of the Federal Rules of Civil Procedure to strike as impertinent and scandalous the characterization of her factual submission as "dreck" on page 11 of Defendant's Rule 56.1 Supplemental Statement of Disputed Facts (a copy of which is attached hereto as Exhibit A). As grounds therefore, plaintiff states:
1. For almost four years now, plaintiff and her attorneys have been subjected to the constant kvetching by defendants' counsel, who have made a big tsimmes about the quantity and quality of plaintiff's responses to discovery requests. This has been the source of much tsoris among plaintiff's counsel and a big megillah for the Court.
2. Now that plaintiff's counsel has, after much time and effort, provided defendants with a specific and comprehensive statement of plaintiff's claims and the factual basis thereof, defendants' counsel have the chutzpah to call it "dreck" and to urge the Court to ignore it.
3. Plaintiff moves that this language be stricken for several reasons.
First, we think it is impertinent to refer to the work of a fellow member of the bar of this Court with the Yiddish term "dreck" as it would be to use "the sibilant four-letter English word for excrement." [Rosten, The Joys of Yiddish (Simon & Schuster, New York, NY 1968) p. 103.]
Second, defendants are in no position to deprecate plaintiff's counsel in view of the chozzerai which they have filed over the course of this litigation.
Finally, since not all of plaintiff's lawyers are yeshiva bochurs, defendants should not have assumed that they would all be conversant in Yiddish.
WHEREFORE, plaintiff prays that the Court put an end to the mishegoss and strike "dreck."
THIS BIT OF HISTORY WON'T CHANGE YOUR LIFE; BUT I THINK IT'S WORTH KNOWING:
A while ago, at the West Point Academy's Jewish Chapel, there was a display about Hyam Salomon and the Revolutionary War. He died penniless, having used all his resources to aid the newly formed and poorly supplied American Continental Army. General Washington's financial advisor and assistant was a Jewish man by the name of Hyam Salomon. During the cold winter months at Valley Forge when American soldiers were freezing and running out of food, it was Hyam who marshaled all the Jews in America and Europe to provide money in relief aid to these stranded American troops and turned the course of history. Without this help, Washington's Continental Army, and the fate
of the American Colonies would have perished before they could have defeated the British. If you take a one dollar bill out of your pocket and look at the back at the Eagle, the stars above the Eagle's head are in the six point Star of David to honor Jews. If you turn the Eagle upside down you will see a configuration in the likeness of a Menorah... both at the insistence of George Washington who said we should never forget the Jewish people and what they have done in the interest of America. Kind of nice to know about, don't you think?
Shloyme Seltzer has become rich and wants to show off, so he orders his driver to drive him to this new exclusive golf club with his new Cadillac. Unfortunately a sign at the door unmistakably states that Jews are not permitted access. The driver wants to return home, but not Shloyme! Shloyme says: "Wait here for me." His driver responds: "But don't you see the sign? They'll kick you out immediately!" Shloyme says, "I don't have to tell them I'm Jewish." and he leaves for the gate. So the driver waits... One hour... two hours... three hours. After three and a half hours, Shloyme is kicked out by two body-builder type guardsmen. The driver asks: "What happened?" Shloyme says, "Everything was fine until we played hole number eight! Accidentally I shot my ball into one of these ponds. I shouted: 'Oh, my God, what'll I do now?' And then the waters separated and everybody knew..."
First, let’s finish off the left-over Christmas turkies:
Christmas - a widely observed holiday on which unfortunately neither the past nor the future is of so much interest as the present.
The X-mas Files (for all those X-File-ophiles who are 'out there')
57 ELM STREET BETHLEHEM, PA. 11:51 P.M., DECEMBER 24TH
-Mulder: We're too late! It's already been here.
-Scully: Mulder, I hope you know what you're doing.
-Mulder: Look, Scully, just like the other homes: Douglas fir, truncated, mounted, transformed into a shrine; halls decked with boughs of holly; stockings hung by the chimney, with care.
-Scully: You really think someone's been here?
-Mulder: Someone ... or something.
-Scully: Mulder, over here-it's a fruitcake.
-Mulder: Don't touch it! Those things can be lethal.
-Scully: It's O.K. There's a note attached: "Gonna find out who's naughty and nice."
-Mulder: It's judging them, Scully. It's making a list.
-Scully: Who? What are you talking about?
-Mulder: Ancient mythology tells of an obese humanoid entity who could travel at great speed in a craft powered by antlered servants. Once each year, near the winter solstice, this creature is said to descend
from the heavens to reward its followers and punish disbelievers with jagged chunks of anthracite.
-Scully: But that's legend, Mulder-a story told by parents to frighten children. Surely you don't believe it?
-Mulder: Something was here tonight, Scully. Check out the bite marks on this gingerbread man. Whatever tore through this plate of cookies was massive-and in a hurry.
-Scully: It left crumbs everywhere. And look, Mulder, this milk glass has been completely drained.
-Mulder: It gorged itself, Scully. It fed without remorse.
-Scully: But why would they leave it milk and cookies?
-Mulder: Appeasement. Tonight is the Eve, and nothing can stop its wilding.
-Scully: But if this thing does exist, how did it get in? The doors and windows were locked. There's no sign of forced entry.
-Mulder: Unless I miss my guess, it came through the fireplace.
-Scully: Wait a minute, Mulder. If you're saying some huge creature landed on the roof and came down this chimney, you're crazy. The flue is barely six inches wide. Nothing could get down there.
-Mulder: But what if it could alter its shape, move in all directions at once?
-Scully: You mean, like a bowl full of jelly?
-Mulder: Exactly. Scully, I've never told anyone this, but when I was a child my home was visited. I saw the creature. It had long white shanks of fur surrounding its ruddy, misshapen head. Its bloated torso was red
and white. I'll never forget the horror. I turned away, and when I looked back it had somehow taken on the facial features of my father.
-Scully: Impossible.
-Mulder: I know what I saw. And that night it read my mind. It brought me a Mr. Potato Head, Scully. It knew that I wanted a Mr. Potato Head!
-Scully: I'm sorry, Mulder, but you're asking me to disregard the laws of physics. You want me to believe in some supernatural being who soars across the skies and brings gifts to good little girls and boys. Listen
to what you're saying. Do you understand the repercussions? If this gets out, they'll close the X-files.
-Mulder: Scully, listen to me: It knows when you're sleeping. It knows when you're awake.
-Scully: But we have no proof.
-Mulder: Last year, on this exact date, SETI radio telescopes detected bogeys in the airspace over twenty-seven states. The White House ordered a Condition Red.
-Scully: But that was a meteor shower.
-Mulder: Officially. Two days ago, eight prized Scandinavian reindeer vanished from the National Zoo, in Washington, D.C. Nobody-not even the zookeeper-was told about it. The government doesn't want people to
know about Project Kringle. They fear that if this thing is proved to exist the public will stop spending half its annual income in a holiday shopping frenzy. Retail markets will collapse. Scully, they cannot let
the world believe this creature lives. There's too much at stake. They'll do whatever it takes to insure another silent night.
-Scully: Mulder, I-
-Mulder: Sh-h-h. Do you hear what I hear?
-Scully: On the roof. It sounds like ... a clatter.
-Mulder: The truth is up there. Let's see what's the matter.
Washington Post Contest for Terribly Inappropriate Christmas Gifts.
-4th runner up - Li'l Naturalist Hornet Farm
-3rd runner up - A Pee Wee Herman pull toy
-2nd runner up - The Duncan Yo Goes down, never comes back. Teaches children about warranties.
-1st runner up - 5,200 pick up -- a jumbo deck of cards that lets kids play a larger version of their favorite game
-Winner - The "Learn about puberty chia pet"
Honorable mentions:
-Supersoaker 9000: For use on those hard to reach targets; NFL referees, low flying planes, and many more. At close range it can strip paint, clean rusty grills, and dig utility trenches.
-The laff-o-minit jajic spellin' tootor
-Doggie dentist -- Kids learn about dentistry on the family pooch.
-Cuisin-Art -- Turns mommy's food processor into a spinning paint tool.
-Water retention Wanda -- Teaches kids the principles of the calendar.
-Chocolate covered lead soldiers
-Bungeroo -- kid sized bungee kit for second story bedrooms
-Islamic strip poker -- lose a hand, lose a hand.
More Toys You Won't See This Christmas:
-Drill 'Em 'N Fill 'Em" Home Dentistry Kit
-Boobs in a Bottle" Breast Enlargement Formula
-"Jump-Start" Home Defibrillator: Save someone from a heart attack without the hassle of rushing them to a hospital!
-"Golden Shower" Beer: The only alcoholic beverage made from 100% recycled beer.
-"Time Life Books Presents Home Surgery"
-"'Stripper Fun' Barbie"
-The Book of Mormon, Episode II
-"No Thanks" Trapdoor for Solicitors: Installed with iron spikes, crocodiles cost extra
-"Balz-Off" Testosterone Repressor
-Keychain Belly Rings: Hang your keys on your belly button!
-"'Gynecologist' Ken": Comes with "'Sexy Patient'Barbie"
-"Nice Ass" Jeans
-"'Operating Fun' Barbie": Give Barbie a new heart, lung, or kidney!
-"Other Side" Near-Death Inducing Kit: See your deceased loved ones momentarily! (Caution: May cause irreversible results.)
-"Lung Drano": Cleans out the lungs of the serious smoker.
Top Ten Movies Playing in Times Square for Christmas
10. I Saw Mommy Nailing Santa Claus
9. Three Elves and a Little Lady
8. North Poled
7. Nude and Nuder
6. Won't You Guide My Pants Tonight?
5. The Little Drummer Boy Becomes a Man
4. Mrs. Claus and the U.P.S. Guy
3. Not-So-Tiny Tim
2. Jocelyn Elders Home Alone
1. Jingle This
Reindeer milk has more fat than cow milk. (No wonder Santa's fat)
What do the female reindeer do when Santa takes the male reindeer out on Christmas Eve? They go into town, and blow a few bucks.
What's the difference between snowmen and snow ladies? Snowballs.
Why did the snowman have a smile on his face? Because the snow blower was coming down the block.
What disasters could happen if you dropped the Christmas turkey? The downfall of Turkey, the breakup of China and the other throw of Greece!
One beautiful December evening Huan Cho and his girlfriend Jung Lee were sitting by the side of the ocean. It was a romantic full moon, when Huan Cho said "Hey baby, let's play Weeweechu." "Oh no, not now, lets look at the moon" said Jung Lee. "Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I play Weeweechu. I love you and its the perfect time," Huan Cho begged.
"But I rather just hold your hand and watch the moon." "Please Jung Lee, just once play Weeweechu with me." Jung Lee looked at Huan Chi and said, "OK, we'll play Weeweechu." Huan Cho grabbed his guitar and both sang.....
"Weeweechu a merry Christmas, Weeweechu a merry Christmas, Weeweechu a merry Christmas, and a happy New Year."
WRAPPING PRESENTS WITH A CAT
1. Clear large space on table for wrapping present.
2. Go to wardrobe and collect bag in which present is contained, and close door.
3. Open door and remove cat from wardrobe.
4. Go to cupboard and retrieve rolls of wrapping paper.
5. Go back and remove cat from cupboard.
6. Go to drawer and collect transparent sticky tape, ribbons, scissors, labels, etc.
7. Lay out present and wrapping materials on table, to enable wrapping strategy to be formed.
8. Go back to drawer to get string, remove cat that has been in the drawer since last visit, and collect string.
9. Remove present from bag.
10. Remove cat from bag.
11. Open box to check present, remove cat from box, replace present.
12. Lay out paper to enable cutting to size.
13. Cut the paper to size, trying to keep the cutting line straight.
14. Throw away first sheet because cat tried to chase the scissors and tore paper.
15. Cut second sheet of paper to size by putting cat in the bag the present came out of.
16. Place present on cut-to-size paper.
17. Lift up edges of paper to seal in present, wonder why edges now don't reach, and find cat between present and paper. Remove cat and retry.
18. Place object on paper, to hold in place, while cutting transparent sticky tape.
19. Spend next 20 minutes carefully trying to remove transparent sticky tape from cat with pair of nail scissors.
20. Seal paper down with transparent sticky tape, making corners as neat as possible.
21. Look for roll of ribbon; chase cat down hall and retrieve ribbon.
22. Try to wrap present with ribbon in a two-directional turn.
23. Re-roll up ribbon and remove paper that is now torn, due to cat's enthusiasm in chasing ribbon end.
24. Repeat steps 12-22 until down to last sheet of paper.
25. Decide to skip steps 12-16 in order to save time and reduce risk of losing last sheet of paper. Retrieve old cardboard box that you know is right size for sheet of paper.
26. Put present in box, and tie down with string.
27. Remove string, open box and remove cat.
28. Put all packing materials in bag with present and head for lockable room.
29. Once inside room, lock door and start to re-lay out packing materials.
30. Remove cat from box, unlock door, put cat outside door, close door and re-lock.
31. Lay out last sheet of paper. (Admittedly this is difficult in the small area of the toilet, but try your best!)
32. Seal box, wrap with paper and start repairs by very carefully sealing down tears with transparent sticky tape. Now tie up with ribbon and decorate with bows to hide worst affected areas.
33. Label, then sit back and admire your handiwork, congratulating yourself on making good of a bad job.
34. Unlock door, and go to kitchen to make drink and to feed cat.
35. Spend next 15 minutes looking for cat, before coming to obvious conclusion.
36. Unwrap present, untie box and remove cat.
37. Retrieve all discarded sheets of wrapping paper, feed cat and retire to lockable room for last attempt, making certain you are alone and the door is locked.
38. At time of handing over present, smile sweetly at receiver's face, as they try and hide their contempt at being handed such a badly wrapped present.
39. Swear to yourself that next year, you will get the store to wrap the darn thing for you.
"Martha Stewart's Holiday Calendar"
-December 1 Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas Cards.
-December 2 Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.
-December 3 Assemble all ingredients and make my famous turkey stock.
-December 4 Send Christmas gift to investment advisor for tipping me to divest of that turkey stock.
-December 5 Using candlewick and hand-gilded miniature pine cones, fashion cat-o-nine-tails. Flog stock advisor.
-December 6 Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.
-December 7 Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.
-December 8 Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.
-December 9 Debug Windows '95.
-December 10 Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.
-December 11 Lay Faberge egg.
-December 12 Take Dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.
-December 13 Collect Dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.
-December 14 Install plumbing in gingerbread house.
-December 15 Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "holiday scents" in case tires are shot out at mall.
-December 17 Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.
-December 19 Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.
-December 20 Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.
-December 21 Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks.
-December 22 -Float votive candles in toilet tank.
-December 23 - Seed clouds for white Christmas.
-December 24 Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are.
-December 25 Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri of frankincense and myrrh.
-December 26 Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.
-December 27 Build snowman in exact likeness of God.
-December 31 New Years Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.
That wily old pervert St. Nick Made good use of the curve to his dick He glazed the whole shaft Painted stripes, then he laughed As he offered young ladies a lick
So with the first inch of snowfall, comes the first wave of accidents. Cars are sliding everywhere. They slide off the road. They turn donuts in the middle of the road. They slide into each other. It's like a bumper car ride at the carnival. That first single inch is magical—like Christmas snow. It won't bring frosty back, but it will cancel school and most businesses, bring out a fleet of snow trucks, a ton of salt per square foot, and cause untold accidents that paralyze the city. And somehow, someway, every single inch of that stuff ends up plowed into the end of my driveway. Just after I've cleared it - for the third time. By the end of winter, (which runs from October to May in Toronto), that same inch of snow is completely ignored. Everyone has learned that it is slippery. The snow plows don't even bother going out if it's under a foot. There is no salt left after the first week of winter anyway. And, it will still all end up being pushed into the end of my driveway somehow.
There was a young lady from Chester,
Who stood in a field and undressed her,
A copper came by,
Admiring her beauty,
But it took 24 hours to arrest her.
One day as I was getting my hair cut at a neighborhood shop, I asked the barber when would be the best time to bring in my two-year-old son. Without hesitation, the barber answered, "When he's four."
Two hunters, Paul and Kurt, were in a lodge, making small talk. Paul asked Kurt, "So, what do you hunt?" Kurt answered "I hunt unicorns." Paul was startled, but said "Really? How do you do that?" Kurt replied, "I find a virgin and hire her to help me. The virgin sits around in the woods until a unicorn comes to her. When it does, it sets off a snare." Paul said, "Boy, they must be hard to find. I've heard of them, but I've never seen one." Kurt said "Yeah, and there aren't many unicorns around, either!"
How can you tell if your date really digs oral sex? She hikes up her skirt every time you yawn.
How do deaf people have phone sex? By fax.
"The greatest discovery of my generation is that human beings can alter their lives by altering their attitudes of mind." -William James
Last summer, I took my wife camping for the first time. At every opportunity, I passed along outdoor-survival lore. One day we got lost hiking in the deep woods. I tried the usual tactics to determine direction - moss on the trees (there was no moss), direction of the sun (it was an overcast day). Just as I was beginning to panic, I spotted a small cabin off in the distance. I pulled out my binoculars, studied the cabin, turned and led us right back to our campsite. "That was terrific," she said. "How did you do it?" "Simple," I replied. "In this part of the country all TV satellite dishes point south."
If The Phone Company Ran A Restaurant:
BELLSOUTH DINER
1515 Peachtree St.
Atlanta, GA 30399
800-555-1212
SERVICES
Cod steak: $8.17
French fries: $2.01
Peas: $1.40
Limited Meal Service: $30.85
Knife: $0.60 Fork: $3.17
Metal Cutlery with Handles: $6.20
Table Access Charge: $1.19
Chair Maintenance Plan: $2.95
Menu Listing Service: $0.49
Bell Atlantic Condiments and Sauces (detail below): $1.11
Federal Fish Tax: $0.62
Local Menu Readability: $0.23
Chair-Falling-Over Insurance: $2.78
TOTAL: $61.77
Itemized Condiments and Sauces: With Limited Meal Service you pay a fixed nightly rate for air and water at your table. Note: Save 40% on air after 11pm. Consult your menu for condiment and sauce rates.
Item Number of ml Rate per ml Amount
Ketchup 10 0.03 0.30
Salt 10 .01 0.01
Tartar 20 0.04 0.80
Total 1.11
Rest Room Usage:
#1 .10 per use (urinal)
#2 .25 per use (commode)
Note: Due to the non-discriminatory policy, women are charged the #2 commode rate for #1.
Deodorizer for #2 use: .10
Hand Wash .02
Hand Dry (Paper Towel) .03
Hand Dry (Blower) .01
Mirror Use .01
Note: Tuesdays and Thursdays are "Bring a friend free" to the restroom days. All other days accompanying friends .25.
Optional Spill and Breakage Coverage:
With the optional 2.95 spill and breakage coverage, if you spill or break anything, you will be covered and there will be no
additional cost to you. Otherwise, spill cleanup will be billed at standard union rates and dishes charged at normal Bell South prices.
A group of elderly Jewish men meet every Wednesday for a coffee and a chat. They drink their coffee and then sit for hours discussing the world situation. Usually, their discussion is very negative. One day, Moishe surprises his friends by announcing, loud and clear, "You know what? I've now become an optimist." Everyone is totally shocked and all conversation dries up. But then Sam notices something isn't quite right and he says to Moishe, "Hold on a minute, if you're an optimist, why are you looking so worried?" Moishe replies, "Do you think it's easy being an optimist?"
David Duke, the former Ku Klux Klan leader and politician who spent the past three years overseas preaching "white survival," pleaded guilty to bilking his supporters and cheating on his taxes. Duke, 52, could get up to 15 months in prison and $10,000 in fines under a plea bargain reached with federal prosecutors. He is free on bail until his sentencing March 19. The plea to felony charges also disqualifies Duke from running for public office again.... I've heard of white-collar crime, but there usually isn't a hood attached... Yeah, in our system you're not supposed to lie and steal until AFTER you're elected.
"Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it." -Richard Feynman
How many cockroaches does it take to screw in a light bulb? I dunno. They all run away when the light goes on...
The ailing skinflint needed the aid of a specialist, but the fees appalled him. It was $25 for the first visit, and $10 for subsequent visits. Still, it was a matter of life and death, and besides, he had an idea. As he entered the doctor's office, the miser said cordially, "Well, Doctor, here I am -- again!" But the doctor had met this type before. He made a great show of examining the patient with minute thoroughness, and then said "Just continue with the same treatment as before!"
A Polish lad married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a year or so and, although his English was far from perfect, they got on very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him ... "very quick." The lawyer said that the speed of getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances and asked him the following questions:LAWYER: Have you any grounds?POLE: Ja, Ja, an acre and half.LAWYER: Does your wife beat you up?POLE: No, I'm always up before her.LAWYER: Is your wife a nagger?POLE: No, she white.LAWYER: Why do you want this divorce?POLE: She going to kill me.LAWYER: What makes you think that?POLE: I got proof.LAWYER: What kind of proof?POLE: She bought a bottle at the drug store, and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read - it said "Polish Remover".
Then there was the guy who blamed arithmetic for his divorce. His wife put two and two together.
Goldberg, the laundry owner said to Berman, a longtime customer, "Thank you, Mr. Berman, for your patronage. I wish I had twenty customers like you." "Gosh, it's nice to hear that, but I'm kind of surprised," admitted Berman. "You know that I argue every bill and always pay late." Goldberg said, "I'd still like twenty customers like you. The problem is, I have two hundred."
A fellow was walking down the street with a computer under one arm, a photocopier under the other and a desk strapped to his back. The police arrested him for impersonating an office!
A man with three sons inherited a little over $1 billion dollars. He told his sons that since he now had all this money, he would like to know what each of them would like to have. His first son said that he had always wanted a Jaguar. The father went out, and since money was no object, bought him 7 Jaguars in different colors, so that he would have a different one to drive every day of the week. His second son said that he always wanted a motorcycle. So the father went out, and again since money was no object, bought him 30 new motorcycles, 10 dirt bikes, 10 hogs, and 10 touring bikes, so he would have a different bike to ride every day of the month. His third and youngest son was only 8 years old. So the little guy said that he simply had wanted a Mickey Mouse outfit. So, money being no object, his father went out and bought his son the Toronto Maple Leafs.
At the first sign of a cold I drink regular drams of Scotch whisky – it may not cure the cold, but it fails more agreeably than most other things.
Last of the left-over Christmas turkeys:
Santa Claus was on duty working a Department Store. A little girl sits on his lap and says, "I would like a new doll for Christmas," "I will add that to my list," replies Santa. "In the meantime, take a gift from the box." A little boy climbs on Santa's lap and says, "I want a remote car for Christmas." Santa replies, "I will add it to the list...meanwhile, take a gift from the box." Then a little boy climbs on Santa's lap and says, "I'm Jewish, and I'm not allowed to ask for anything from Santa," Santa points to the gift box and whispers in the boy's ear, "Nemt tzvei."(take two)
A Gabbai approaches a guest in the Shul and says "I want to give you an Aliyah." "What is your name?" he asks the man. The man answers, "Ester bas Moshe." The Gabbai says, "No, I need your name." The man says, "It is Ester bas Moshe."The Gabbai asks, "How can that be your name?" The man answers, "I've been having serious financial problems, so everything is in my wife's name."
Real-Life Classified Ads- 2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, Perfect markings, 555-1234.Leave mess.- Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.- A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.- Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.- For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.- Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.- Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.- Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.- We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.- For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.- For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepherd and an Alaskan Hussy.- Great Dames for sale.- Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.- Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.- Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.- Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.- Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.- The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities.- Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.- Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.- Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.- Stock up and save. Limit: one.- We build bodies that last a lifetime.- For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.- Man, honest. Will take anything.- Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References required.- Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.- Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!- Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.- Modular Sofas. Only $299. For rest or fore play.- Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.- Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.- 3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.- Our experienced Mom will care of your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.- Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.- Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.- Holcross pullets. Starting to lay Betty Clayton, Granite 5-6204.- Illiterate? Write today for free help.- Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.- Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.- Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.- Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.- And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.- We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.
-In a Los Angeles daily: "Wanted: man to work on nuclear fissionable isotope molecular reactive counters and three-phase cyclotronic photosynthesizers. No experience necessary."
-In the Southern Illinois University student newspaper: "Sweet old lady wishes to correspond with S.I.U.undergraduate. Prefers six-foot male with brown eyes answering to initials J.D.B. Signed, His Mother."
-From a Miami Beach weekly: " Having trouble with your husband coming home late or not at all? Let us make a confidential investigation for you. Special discount if your husband is a senior citizen.
Political musings:
- Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself. --Mark Twain
- We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle. ---Winston Churchill
- A government which robs Peter to pay Paul, can always depend on the support of Paul. --- George Bernard Shaw
- A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money. -- G. Gordon Liddy
- Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner. --James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)
- Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. --Douglas Casey, Classmate of W.J.Clinton at Georgetown U. (1992)
- Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. --P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian
- Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else. --Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850)
- Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases. If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it. -- Ronald Reagan (1986)
- I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. --Will Rogers
- If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free. --P.J. O'Rourke
- If you want government to intervene domestically, you're a liberal. If you want government to intervene overseas, you're a conservative. If you want government to intervene everywhere, you're a moderate. If you don't want government to intervene anywhere, you're an extremist. -- Joseph Sobran, Editor of the National Review at one time (1995)
- In general, the art of government consists in taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other. --Voltaire (1764)
- Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you. --Pericles (430 B.C.)
- No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the legislature is in session. --Mark Twain (1866)
- Talk is cheap-except when Congress does it. (Unknown)
- The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other. --Ronald Reagan
- The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery. --Winston Churchill
- The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin. --Mark Twain
- The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools. --Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)
- There is no distinctly native American criminal class save Congress. --Mark Twain
- There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences. --P.J. O'Rourke (1993)
- What this country needs are more unemployed politicians. --Edward Langley, Artist 1928-1995
- When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things to be bought and sold are legislators.--P.J. O'Rourke
HOLLYWOOD EXPLAINED:
- How many Executive Producers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Executive Producers don't screw in a light bulb, they screw in a hot tub.
- How many Agents does it take to screw in a light bulb? Actually, agents will screw in just about anything.
- How many Studio Executives does it take to screw in a light bulb? We don't know. Light bulbs last longer than studio executives.
- How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb? 100: One to do it and ninety-nine to say, "I could've done that."
- How many D.P.s does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. No, two. No... How many do we have on the truck?
- How many art directors does it take to screw in a light bulb? Does it have to be a light bulb? I've got this neat candle holder...
- How many editors does it take to change a light bulb? If we change the light bulb, we'll have to change everything.
- How many P.A.s does it take to screw in a light bulb? Nine........one to do it and eight others to wish they'd been asked.
No really... How many P.A.s does it take to screw in a li... Done!
- How many Development Executives does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. One to take notes while the other screws it into the faucet.
- How many Screenwriters does it take to screw in a light bulb? The bulb's IN and it's staying IN!
- How many 1st A.D.s does it take to screw in a light bulb? Why the f--k are you asking me that question? Can't you see I'm busy!
- How many U.P.M.s does it take to screw in a light bulb? None! If you'd just make it a day exterior we wouldn't be screwing around with all these damn light bulbs!"
- How many casting directors does it take to screw in a light bulb? Well, if I really had to choose, there's this bulb, he's a little oversized for the socket but he burns really bright, or there's this little bulb, he is really energy efficient if you want to save time and money, or there's a fabulous bulb I just saw in a showcase, he has no name value whatsoever, but the design was to die for…
- How many extras does it take to screw in a light bulb? Is the light bulb S.A.G.? How did it get it's card? Did it know someone?
- How many publicists does it take to screw in a light bulb? That is a total rumor. The light bulb has some very good friends, but at this time, is not interested in screwing.
- How many directors does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. The director holds the light bulb and the rest of the world revolves around him
- How many prop masters does it take to screw in a light bulb? Light bulb? Light bulb? The script doesn't mention any light bulbs!
- How many union electricians does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. You got a problem with that?
Attention all canoers and backpackers!
The great malt whisky has been reduced to the level of instant soup by German scientists. Professor Eckhard Weidner of Bochum University has developed instant "powdered whisky" which he claims will soon join hot chocolate and coffee on supermarket shelves. Prof Weidner said: "It has taken years but we can now offer alcoholic drinks like whisky. Bar staff will soon be saying, ‘One spoon of malt or two, sir’?" Simply adding water turns the powder back into liquid with alcohol content. He added: "It has exactly the same effect on the body as the liquid alternative. The possibilities are enormous."
The scientist’s invention was greeted with horror by amateurs of the liquid gold of Scotland. Michael Jackson, the author of The Malt Whisky Companion, the world’s best selling book on whisky, said: "What insolence! Why would anyone go to all that trouble to produce powder? It is my opinion he should snort it." While the powder would cover all the utilitarian bases, I can imagine how much the taste and texture and consistency of the reconstituted product would suffer, especially those very subtle Speysides. Trust the Germans to even think of taking such fine nectar as single malt scotch and reducing all those magical congeners, ethers and esters to powder!
New Drugs For Men
With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole line of drugs oriented towards improving the performance of men in today's society.
DIRECTRA - A dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask for directions when they got lost compared to a control group where only 0.2 percent asked for directions.
PROJECTRA - Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.
CHILDAGRA - Men taking this drug reported a sudden, overwhelming urge to perform more child-care tasks, especially cleaning up spills and little accidents.
COMPLIMENTRA - In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.
BUYAGRA - Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after taking this drug for only two days. Still to be seen: whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorite store's return limit.
NEGA-VIAGRA - Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing clinical trials on sitting U.S. presidents.
NEGA-SPORTAGRA - This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.
CAPAGRA - Caused test subjects to become uncharacteristically fastidious about lowering toilet seats and replacing toothpaste caps. Subjects on higher doses were seen dusting furniture.
PRYAGRA - About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people. Note: Apparent overdose turned three test subjects into special prosecutors.
LIAGRA - This drug causes men to be less than truthful when they are asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available in Regular, Grand Jury and Presidential Strength versions.
BEER DRINKING GUIDE FOR THE HOLIDAYS
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward the ceiling.
SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself lashed to bar.
SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.
SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about her house training.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.
SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth. Quickly.
I have learned that if you upset your wife she nags you. If you upset her even more you get the silent treatment. Don't you think it's worth the extra effort?
From the folks who make the Invisible Fence for cats and dogs, now comes the Invisible Fence Bra for your teenage daughter! Using advanced electromagnetic technology, the Invisible Fence Bra creates a safety zone around Daddy's Little Angel. If a horny young bastard has decided to skip the Church social and head right to the Devil's Playground, your daughter will be safe and secure with this bra. Attempting to remove it without keying in the secret combination results in a slight correction to the horny young bastard. Voltage levels are set in ten ascending doses including: Don't Go There, Boyfriend Freddy'll Lose His Fingers, Rushin' Hands - Electrocuted Fingers, Char Your Fingers To The Bone and the ultimate level Any Last Words Before We Throw The Switch! Ladies, do you have a boss that likes to reach over your shoulder for a pencil on your desk? The Invisible Fence Bra has an accessory, whichclips underneath your chair. When the boss's hand dips into the No Fly Zone the magnetic field of the bra triggers the mechanical arm of the accessory we like to call: Balls Through The Wall. Your boss can then apply for a role on "The Sopranos." Don't delay! (Available with family override for Arkansas) Operators are standing by now.
Chelsea Clinton was home for Christmas break. She was having lunch with her dear mother, Hillary, just talking about typical girl stuff. Hillary says to Chelsea, "My, my what a fine young lady you have turned out to be. Being a sophomore at Stanford and all, I'm so proud!" Hillary proceeds to give Chelsea a hug then speaks softly and asks her a question. "Say, I was just wondering since you're all grown up now. Have you , um , had sex yet?". Chelsea ponders and contemplates then responds. "Um, not according to dad."!
Marine Corps General Reinwald was interviewed on the radio the other day and regardless of how you feel about gun laws, you have to read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of a National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper discipline before they even touch a firearm.FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.GENERAL REINWALD: Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?The radio went silent and the interview ended.
My uncle got a vasectomy, paid for it with MasterCard but forgot to pay the bill, so the finance company came over to his house and knocked up my aunt.
There's this company that makes a shampoo called "Gee Your Hair Smells Terrific." I hope they don't start making feminine hygiene products.
You know you're getting old when you can't tell the difference between a heart attack and an orgasm.
Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.
Love your neighbor, but don't get caught.
If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon.
Love is a matter of chemistry; sex is a matter of physics.
One good turn gets most of the blankets.
Michael Jackson and Elton John have just released a new song: "Don't let your son go down on me."
How could the Buddha weigh four hundred pounds and still do yoga?
Why did Bin Laden kill one of his wives? He peeped up her skirt and saw Bush.
What do you call a woman who throws all her bill on the fire? Bernadette!
What do you call a man covered in leaves? Russell!
What do you call a man with 12 rabbits up his ass? Warren!
An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets the more interested he is in her. - Agatha Christie In Sweden, gay partnership is legal. I hear that even their king is married to a queen!
While I was attending a synagogue in Mississippi, the rabbi announced that their prison choir would be singing the following Shabbat. I wasn't aware that there was a prison in the vicinity and I looked forward to hearing them. The next Shabbat, I was puzzled when a group of men and women, all members of the synagogue, approached the bima.
Then the rabbi introduced them. "This is our prison choir," he said, "behind a few bars and always looking for the key."
Selma phones home with some exciting news. "Mama, I got married." "Mazel tov," says Mama. "I might as well tell you, Mama, he's not of our faith." "So he's a goy. But am I prejudiced?" "But, Mama, he's also black." "So he's a schvartzeh. By me, everybody should be tolerant." "Well, frankly, Mama, he's also unemployed." "So, you'll support him. A wife should help her husband." "But, Mama, we have no place to live." "Don't worry, Selma, dear. You'll move in with us." "But Mama, you have only one bedroom." "That's okay. You and your husband can have the bedroom." "Yes,! Mama, but where will you and Papa sleep?" "Papa can sleep on the couch in the living room." "Yes, Mama, but where will YOU sleep?" "Selma, dear, about me you don't need to worry. The minute I get off the phone, ... I'm going to drop dead!”
The year is 1902. What a difference a century makes! Here are some of the U.S. statistics for 1902: The average life expectancy in the U.S. was 47 years. Only 14 Percent of the homes in the U.S. had a bathtub. Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone. A three-minute call from Denver to New York City cost eleven dollars. There were only 8,000 cars in the U.S., and only 144 miles of paved roads. The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph. Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more heavily populated than California. With a mere 1.4 million residents, California was only the 21st-most populous state in the Union. The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower. The average wage in the U.S. was 22 cents an hour. The average U.S. worker made between $200 and $400 per year. A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year, a dentist $2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year, and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year. More than 95 percent of all births in the U.S. took place at home. Ninety percent of all U.S. physicians had no college education. Instead, they attended medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press and by the government as "substandard." Sugar cost four cents a pound. Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen. Coffee cost fifteen cents a pound. Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used borax or egg yolks for shampoo. Canada passed a law prohibiting poor people from entering the country for any reason. The five leading causes of death in the U.S. were: 1. Pneumonia and influenza 2. Tuberculosis 3. Diarrhea 4. Heart disease 5. Stroke The American flag had 45 stars. Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Hawaii, and Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Union yet. The population of Las Vegas, Nevada, was 30. Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn't been invented. There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day. One in ten U.S. adults couldn't read or write. Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated high school. Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at corner drugstores. According to one pharmacist, "Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and the bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health." 18 percent of households in the U.S. had at least one full-time servant or domestic. There were only about 230 reported murders in the entire U.S. Just think what it will be like in another 100 years.......As the plane settled down at Ben Gurion airport in early December, the voice of the Captain came on the loudspeaker:"Please remain seated with your seatbelt fastened until this plane is at a complete standstill and the seat belt signs have been turned off. To those of you standing in the aisles, we wish you a Happy Chanukah. To those who have remained in their seats, we wish you a Merry Christmas"
Karoke means "empty orchestra" in Japanese.(and all these years I thought it meant ‘supremely annoying’) There is something very sick about the fact that, in an online auction you, your children, and the entire contents of your house would be worth less put together than just one of Jennifer Lopez's pubic hairs. After a long day of listening to a Texan brag, a New Yorker decided to show the Texan the Empire State Building. When the Texan put down New York's well-known landmark by saying "Heck, that's nothing. In Texas, we have outhouses bigger than that!" The New Yorker responded, "Yeah, but you need them!" A blonde holding a baby walks into a drug store and asks the clerk if she can use the store's baby scale. "Sorry, ma'am," says the clerk. "Our baby scale is broken. But we can figure the baby's weight if we weigh mother and baby together on the adult scale, and then weigh the mother alone, and subtract the second number from the first." "Oh, that won't work," says the blonde. "Why not?" asks the clerk, "Because," she answers, "I'm not the mother; I'm the aunt."
I told my doctor I can't exercise, because I start to sweat and burn off fat, it smells like bacon and makes me hungry.
People who say that they don't fart are full of hot air.
Just got this in from a reliable source It seems that there is a virus out there called the Senile Virus that even the most advanced programs from Norton cannot take care of, so be warned, it appears to affect those of us who were born before 1958! Symptoms of Senile Virus 1. Causes you to send same e-mail twice. 2. Causes you to send blank e-mail. 3. Causes you to send to wrong person. 4. Causes you to send back to person who sent it to you. 5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment. 6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished the.........
Did you hear about the dyslexic Highway Patrolman who spent New Year’s Eve handing out I.U.D.'s?
Somebody ought to tell Dan Quale!
If GH can stand for P as in HiccoughIf OUGH can stand for O as in DoughIf PHTH can stand for T as in PhthisisIf EIGH can stand for A as in NeighborIf TTE can stand for T as in GazetteIf EAU can stand for O as in PlateauThen the right way to spell POTATO should be: "GHOUGHPHTHEIGHTTEEAU"
Paul McCartney bought his wife a plane for Christmas…..and for the other leg, he bought her a Lady Phillishave.
Why in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?" - Steven Wright
In 1987 a Linconshire grandfather bought a hobbyhorse by mail order as a present for his grand-daughter. The toy, however, arrived in 167 pieces. The instruction pamphlet that came with the horse said it would take one hour to put together. It took the old man all of two days to assemble the toy. Finally, when it was all put together, he wrote a cheque, cut it into 167 pieces and mailed it off to the company!
I have discovered that the flu is both for and against. Sometimes the eyes have it and sometimes the nose.It isn't that life is short. It's that death is so long.
The newest vitamin is made from chicken soup. It makes men cocky and women lay better.
If Russia were to attack Turkey from the rear, would Greece help?What do a gay man and an ambulance have in common? They both get loaded from the rear and go Woo-Whoo!
A chap was thinking about getting married so he looked up the word "engaged" in the dictionary. It said, "To do battle with the enemy." Then he looked up ‘mother-in-law’. It said, "See engaged."
A biker gets married. He and his bride pull out onto life's highway. They ride all afternoon and were getting tired. They pull into an out of the way motel somewhere in Georgia. The biker and his old lady go to the office to get a room for the night.There is an old man behind the counter, and he says to the couple, "Howdy. Can I help ya?" The biker said, "Yo man. We need a room for the night, me and the old Lady got married today." "That's great. Congratulations. You must want the Bridal then?" The biker replies, "Nah, that won't be necessary. I'll just hold her by the ears until she gets used to it."
My wife looks upon me as her consultant. Many times she has said to me, "When I want your advice, I'll ask for it."
Maybe the grass looks greener on the other side of the fence because that is where the leaky septic tank is buried.
Swanson executive Gerry Thomas came up with the idea of frozen dinners to get rid of 520,000 pounds of the company's excess turkey. In the early 1950s, Thomas sketched a drawing of a three-compartment aluminum tray, presented it to the Swanson bosses and came up with the name TV dinner. The first TV dinner meal consisted of turkey, corn bread dressing and gravy, buttered peas, and sweet potatoes. It sold for 98 cents, about $6 in 1998 dollars. Although the company timidly ordered only 5,000 TV dinners initially, the Swanson company sold 10 million the first year.
The "black box" that houses an airplane's voice recorder is orange so it can be more easily detected amid the debris of a plane crash.
My forgetter’s getting better,
But my rememberer is broke.
To you that may seem funny,
But to me it is no joke.
For when I’m ‘here’ I’m wondering
If I really should be ‘there’.
And when I try to think it through,
I haven’t got a prayer.
Oft times I walk in to a room,
Say, ‘What am I here for?’
I wrack my brain but all in vain,
A zero is my score.
At times I put something away
Where it is safe but, ‘Gee’.
The person it is safest from,
Generally is me.
When shopping I may see someone,
Say, ’Hi’ and have a chat.
Then when the person walks away,
I ask myself, ’Who’s that?’
Yes my forgetter’s getting better,
While my rememberer is broke.
It’s driving me plumb crazy,
‘Cause it really is no joke!
What is the difference between movie theater refreshments and movies at a police stag party? One is pop corn, the other is cop porn.
A little boy went to the store with his grandmother and on the way home, he was looking at the things she had purchased. He found a package of panty hose and began to sound out the words "QUEEN SIZE." He then turned to his grandmother and exclaimed, "Look Granny, you wear the same size as Mummy’s bed!"
A local prostitute was brought before the court of Queen's Bench for solicitation. The judge was surprised to discover that the young woman was claiming not guilty when police had caught her in the act. The judge questioned her, expressing her surprise. "I am celibate." the young woman declared. "Celibate?" the judge asked, wide-eyed. "How can you claim you are celibate?" "It is my business to be celibate. I sell a bit here, I sell a bit there....."
What's brown and hairy on the outside, soft and wet in the middle, starts with a C and ends with a T ? A coconut.
The woodwork teacher asked the only girl in the class during the first day of school, "What's the difference between a nail, a screw and a bolt ?" She pondered the question for a moment, then replied, "Well, I can't rightly say as I know, 'cause I ain't never been 'bolted'."
A priest went to the doctor in a panic and asked him, "What does it mean doc, when I pee it burns like the Fire of Satan and I have this awful drip?" The doc smiled and said, "It means the alter boy lied. He wasn't a virgin."
Because of a minor infraction, a shipmate of mine aboard the USS Reeves, bound for Japan, was busted one rank, fined and given extra duty for three weeks. Looking forward to celebrating his 21st birthday on July 22, he consoled himself every night during his extra duty by reciting, "They can bust me, they can fine me, but they can't take away my birthday."The next morning, he found out that the ship had crossed the international date line -- and it was July 23.
An 80-year-old Jewish woman goes to a handsome young gynecologist for a check-up." She tells him she hasn't had a check-up for over 30 years. Dr. Goldenberg says, "Get undressed and put on this gown, and I'll check everything out for you." When the doctor returns, he begins by putting his hand under her gown and lifting up her right breast. "Now, say 99 for me, please." "Ninety-nine," repeats the old woman. The doctor then lifts up her left breast and says, "Say 99 again,please." "Ninety-nine," she repeats once more. Then Dr. Goldenberg says, "Well, while you're here, we may as well check all of your vitals. Please lay on the table and put your feet in the stirrups." He then puts on his rubber glove, spreads some KY on the fingers, and begins to feel her "private parts." As he is gently probing, he tells her to say "99." And she begins, "Vun .. Two .. Tree ..".
The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
Why are guys so good at video games? It's the eye-hand coordination developed after all those years of jerking off to Playboy centerfolds.
There are a lot of folks who can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in Canada. Well, there's a very simple answer. Nobody bothered to check the oil. We just didn't know we were getting low. The reason for that is purely geographical. All our oil is in Alberta. All our dipsticks are in Ottawa
An explorer is searching in the Amazon jungle for this lost tribe whose women are reputed to have vaginas that are three inches wide and twelve inches long. Finally he finds the tribe and is invited to sit down with the chief. "Is it true," he says to the chief, "that your women have vaginas that are three inches wide and twelve inches long?" "That’s so, man," says the chief. "However do you manage to have sex with women with vaginas that are three inches wide and twelve inches long?" inquires the explorer. "The chief looks at him as if he were an idiot and says, "They stretch, man. They stretch!"
Did you hear that they’re thinking of raising the minimum drinking age in Tennessee to 32, so as to keep alcohol out of the high schools. A woman went to a computer dating service and said she didn't care about looks, income or background. All she wanted was a man of upright character. Then a man came in and told them the only thing he was seeking in a woman was intelligence. The service matched them together at once because they were both pathological liars.
I met a man who had been married for 66 years. "Amazing. 66 years!" I said. "What's the secret to such a long, happy marriage?" "Well," he replied, "It's like this. The man makes all the big decisions... and the woman just makes the little decisions." "Really?" I responded. "Does that really work?" "Oh, yes," he said proudly. "66 years, and so far, not one big decision!"
We had made some changes in our lives. My husband had lost 50 pounds and after eight years of being a housewife, I had taken a job in a restaurant. When I returned home after my first day at work, I gave my husband a big hug. He seemed to cling to me longer than usual. "Did you really miss me that much today, dear?" I asked. "No," came the reply. "But you smell so much like pancakes that I hate to let you go."
How does a Jewish wife cheat on her husband? She has a headache with the mailman.
A Jewish Mother's Answering Machine"
If you want varnishkas, press 1;
If you want knishes press 2;
If you want chicken soup, press 3;
If you want matzoh balls with the soup, press 4;
If you want to know how am I feeling, you are calling the wrong number since nobody ever asks me how I am feeling.
A bride stands to the groom's left at a wedding so that his sword hand would be free. Apparently Anglo-Saxon brides were often kidnapped before a wedding and brawls were common. That's also why the best man stands with the groom; the tribe's best warrior was there to help the groom defend the bride.
In the 1820s, the average American consumed 10 pounds of sugar a year. Today we eat about 420 pounds per year, the equivalent of eating six candy bars a day.
During a course in human sexuality, the instructor was discussing various items in the Kinsey report. The class members gasped audibly when the instructor read out that one particular woman had several hundred orgasms in a single session.
A male voice said, "Wow, who was she?" A female voice followed with, "The hell with that... Who was HE?'"
A judge asked a defendant to please stand. "You are charged with murdering a school teacher with a chain saw." From out in the audience a man shouted, "Lying bastard!" "Silence in the court!", the Judge shouted back to the man. He turned to the defendant and said, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel." "Tightwad!", blurted the man again. "Quiet!", yelled the judge who continued, "You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill." "Son of a..." the man started to shout when the Judge thundered back, "If you don't tell me reason for your outbursts right now, I will hold in contempt!" So the man answered, "I've lived next to that man for ten years now, but the bastard never had a tool when I needed to borrow one!"
A father, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort with his family at the weekends. Every Sunday morning he would take his daughter out for a drive in the car. One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold that he really didn't feel like driving at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and decided that for this week she would take their daughter out. They returned just before lunch and the little girl ran upstairs to see her father. "Well" the father asked, "did you enjoy your ride with mommy?" "Oh yes Daddy" the girl replied, "and do you know what... we didn't see a single IDIOT!"
Car Ads Translated.Two tone paintwork - Original color and rust One careful owner - But the other nine were clumsy as anything 10,000 trouble-free miles - crashed in the last 20 feet Heated rear window - so you don't get cold hands when push-starting the thing in winter Very clean - only washed if and when it rains Lady owner - the glove box is full of half-used cosmetics Clean interior - all the rubbish is under the floormats Immobiliser - the gear shift comes off in your hand Anti-theft device - I can let you have a rottweiler cheap Drives beautifully - in a straight line; the steering is all over the place Low mileage - the odometer is on its third time around Full service history - Charlie in the garage round the corner checked it over last week Economical - doesn't use much fuel, as it can't go any faster than 30 mph
It was mealtime on a small airline and the flight attendant asked the passenger if he would like dinner. "Well, what are my choices?" he asked. She replied, "Yes or No."
The child was a typical four-year-old girl -- cute, inquisitive, bright as a new penny. When she expressed difficulty in grasping the concept of marriage, her father decided to pull out his wedding photo album, thinking visual images would help. One page after another, he pointed out the bride arriving at the church, the entrance, the wedding ceremony, the recessional, the reception, etc. "Now do you understand?" he asked. "I think so," she said, "is that when mommy came to work for us?""I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier. " - John Wooden
Looking in the shopping mall for a cotton nightgown, I decided to try my luck in a store that was known for its hot lingerie. Well, to my delight, I found just what I was looking for. Waiting in the queue to pay, out the corner of my eye I notice a young lady behind me, holding exactly the same nightgown I had picked. Naturally, this confirmed what I had suspected all along: despite being the wrong side of 50, I still have a very 'with it' attitude. "I see we have the same taste," I said proudly to the 20-something behind me. "Yes," she replied. "I'm getting this for my grandmother."
Little Johnny was sitting in biology class and the teacher said that an interesting phenomenon of nature is that only humans stutter, no other animal in the world does this. Johnny's hand shot up. "Not correct, Miss!" he said."Please explain, Johnny," replied the teacher."Well, Miss, the other day I was playing with my cat on the veranda. The neighbor's Great Dane came around the corner and my cat went "ffffffffff! ffffffffffff! ffffffffff!" and before he could say 'FUCK OFF!', the dog ate him!"
There once was a nun from Siberia
Who was born with a virgin interior
Until a young monk
Jumped into her bunk
And now she's a mother superior!
SEXUAL RHYMING TERMS THAT YOU MAY NOT KNOW:- WANKY PANKY - fooling around, naughtier than hanky panky- THRUSTER BUSTER - a sudden noise that interrupts the act of sex, especially a doorbell, the sound of a spouse's car in the driveway, or the shrill voice of an unexpected parent.- RUBBER FLUBBER - sudden realization that the condom has broken- BOOBIE LUBEY - stimulation of a female's breasts to arouse sexual interest- DICKIE LICKIE - oral stimulation of the male's private parts- TUSHIE PUSHIE - doggie-style sexual intercourse- PECKER WRECKER - oral sex given to a man by a female wearing braces on her teeth- FUCKIE SUCKIE - oral sex and sexual intercourse both- STINKIE PINKIE - the result of sexual stimulation of the female's private parts by the male's hands- HUMMER CUMMER - I think you can figure out this one all by yourself!
My friend's preparations for a visit from her children included a trip to the bank. Waiting in line at the teller's window, she lamented to the middle-aged man behind her, "My children are in their 20s, and I'm still giving them money. When does it end?" "I'm not sure I'm the one to ask," the man said while glancing uncomfortably at a paper in his hand, "I'm here to deposit a check from my mother."
I’ve heard that eating yogurt and oysters will improve your sex life? Sure! If you'll eat that stuff, you'll eat anything.
A TAIL OF TAILS Although the human body is beautiful, there are times when I wonder what if we were made a little different? Most of us would probably wish for wings that work. In dreams, we know just how to fly. It's so easy! But sadly, upon awakening, the same rules don't apply. There are times when I wish I had a beak so I could peck someone that's bugging me. Then there are those many occasions when I feel as though I've been mauled by a Tasmanian Devil. I'm short so I wouldn't be too upset to have a longer neck like a giraffe. Like Gimli, the Dwarf, in The Lord of the Rings, there are many times when I just can't see what's going on. But I think a vast improvement would be if we all had tails. Just look at dogs and how they use their tails. Can a dog lie? Can a dog hide their emotions? Can a dog cheat or blame someone else? NO! A dog could never be a politician, thief or con artist. One look at the tail and we know exactly how the dog feels. Are they happy? It's wagging. Are they scared? Guilty? Sad? It's between the legs. Even when it's the cat's fault, the tail is still between the legs because they know something is wrong and chances are, they'll get the blame. With a cat, you can also tell the mood by the tail. If the tail is straight up like an exclamation point, the cat is generally happy, hopeful and usually wanting food. When the cat is trying to get warm, the tail is used as a scarf to help keep in the heat. And when the tail is big and fuzzy without all the hairs standing on end: watch out! Monkeys have a lot of fun with their tails. Swinging around and using them for balance; I don't understand why apes and humans don't have them as well. Horses and cattle use their tails as fly swatters. Tails can even be used to attract mates as seen by the peacock. "Hey, baby! Check out this tail. Not like that other guy's tail. Oh, no. Mine is MUCH bigger. Stays up longer, too." I like the way kangaroos kind of sit back on their tails. Oh, there have been so many times when I wish I had a built-in chair. Cocktail parties, watching school performances or waiting for my order to be called all make my back ache just thinking about it. In fact, "Disneyland Back" as the chiropractors call it, is NOT a result of the sudden stops, starts and turns of the rides. It's the result of standing in those lines that stretch from one "Land" to the other. Hard to be in the mood for "Indiana Jones" when you've heard "It's a Small World" 247 times. But, I like the skunk's tail the best. It's definitely the most civilized. It's a warning designed to get your immediate attention. There's no ifs, ands or buts when you see that fluffy black and white tail stand up. "Okay," says the skunk, who can't talk, I know, but if it could, it would say, "Okay! I'm warning you! You really don't want to be around for the next five seconds! Time for you to grow some wings that work, you fool!" I really wish we had tails. Especially after my family has had bean burritos for dinner. Lynette2003
I must be getting older. Most evenings my favourite drink is scotch and sofa.25 Signs Showing You Might Be Canadian (oldie goldie)1. You're not offended by the term "HOMO MILK".2. You understand the phrase "Could you pass me a serviette, I just dropped my poutine, on the chesterfield."3. You eat chocolate bars, not candy bars.4. You drink Pop, not Soda.5. You know that a Mickey and 24's mean, "party at the camp, eh!!!"6. You don't care about the fuss with Cuba. It's a cheap place to go for your holidays, with good cigars and no Americans.7. You know that a pike is a type of fish, not part of a highway.8. You drive on a highway, not a freeway.9. You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers.10. You know that Casey and Finnegan were not part of a Celtic musical group.11. You get excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada.12. You brag to Americans that; Shania Twain, Jim Carey, Celine Dionne & Alex Trebek, are Canadians.13. You know that the C.E.O. of American Airlines is a Canadian!14. You know what a toque is.15. You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.16. You know that the last letter of the English alphabet is always pronounced "Zed".17. Your local newspaper covers the national news on 2 pages, but requires 6 pages for hockey.18. You know that the four seasons mean: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road work.19. You know that when it's 25 degrees outside, it's a warm day.20. You understand the Labatt’s Blue commercials.21. You know how to pronounce and spell "Saskatchewan".22. You perk up when you hear the theme song from 'Hockey Night in Canada'.23. You are in grade 12, not the 12th grade.24. "Eh?" is a very important part of your vocabulary, and is more polite than, "Huh?"25. You actually understand these jokes, and forward them to all of your Canadian friends! Then you send them to your American friends just to confuse them!
Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Parliament said, "Someone may steal from the scrap yard at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person (bilingual, naturally) for the job. Then Parliament said, "How can the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a Planning Department and hired two people; one person to write the job description and one person to do time studies. Then Parliament said, "How will we know the night watchman is performing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people; one to do the studies and one to write the reports. Then Parliament said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they created the following positions, a Time Keeper, and a Payroll Officer; then hired two more people. Then Parliament said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an Administrative Section and hired three people; an Administrative Officer, an Assistant Administrative Officer and a Legal Secretary. Then Parliament said, "We have had this organization in operation for only one year and we are $18,000 overbudget; we must cutback our overall costs." So they laid off the night watchman.
NEW DEFINATIONS
ADULTERY – The wrong people doing the right thing.
ALIMONY – The screwing you get for the screwing you got.
BABY – A hollow tube with a loud voice at one end and a complete lack of responsibility at the other end.
CHIVALRY – A mans inclination to defend a woman against every man but himself.
CONSCIENCE – That which hurts when everything else feels so good.
CONSTIPATION – To have and to hold.
DANCE – A Naval engagement without the loss of seamen.
DECOY – A flashlight in the pants pocket.
DIARY - Book of revelations.
DOCTOR – A lucky fellow who is privileged to undress women and go all over them without getting his face slapped.
ENEMA – A goose with a gush.
EXPLORATION – Beating around the bush.
FATHER'S DAY – Nine months before Labor day.
GENTLEMAN – One who is always careful to rest at least half his weight on his elbows.
SIN – Anything the other fellow enjoys and you don't.
A old fellow in his eighties was waxing nostalgic to some younger folk about the good old days, and the lower cost of living, in particular. "When I was a boy, my momma could send me to the store and I'd get a ham, a quart of milk, 6 oranges, 2 loaves o' bread, and a Time magazine... all fo' a quarter!! You can't DO that no mo'... them Got-dam video cameras is ever'where ya look......"
Why don't roosters have hands? Because chickens don't have tits!
Was Jesus a dope-lover? It's a possibility according to Carl Ruck, a Hebrew scholar who declares: "there can be little doubt about a role for cannabis in Judaic religion." At the heart of this claim is the composition of the "anointing oil" used by Jesus for healing eye and skin diseases. "People would literally be drenched in this potent mixture," Ruck explains. "Although most modern people choose to smoke or eat pot, when its active ingredients are transferred into an oil-based carrier, it can also be absorbed through the skin." In the Gospels, this oil is referred to as kaneh-bosem, which has since been identified as a cannabis extract by archeologists and regional historians. For further information, pick up this month's issue of High Times Magazine and read Chris Bennett's article, entitled "Was Jesus a Stoner?"
During a long rain delay, the baseball announcer filled in some time by sharing some baseball trivia with his color man. "Know who hit the most home runs between 1955 and 1975? I'll tell you -- Hank Aaron. Know who hit the most RBIs between 1955 and 1975? Hank Aaron. And who got hit on the chin with the most balls between 1955 and 1975?" "Hank Aaron?" ventured the color commentator. "Nope," said the announcer. "Liberace."
Clonaid claimed last week they just cloned a human being for the first time in history. Reaction was swift. The pope denounced cloning, President Bush vowed to outlaw cloning and George Steinbrenner offered the Boston Red Sox $10 million for the rights to Ted Williams in the re-entry draft.
A Russian man had to be rescued after his penis stuck to a frozen bus shelter while he was urinating. The young man was on his way home from a bar in the southern city of Stavropol, in temperatures of -30C. He stopped to urinate, leaning against the bus shelter for support, but swayed at a crucial moment and his penis stuck to the frozen metal. The BBC reports the man was apparently taken by surprise by the cold temperatures, as Stavropol is normally one of the warmest Russian regions. A large crowd gathered, shouting advice. Finally passerby Valery Levchenko was able to free the man using a kettle of warm water borrowed from a chemist. The man reportedly refused further medical help before running off.
A LETTER FROM AN ARKANSAS FARM GIRL AT CAMP PENDLETON Dear Ma and Pa,
Am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats workin’ for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled. I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, they get warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc..., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food. But tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit between two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon, when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route" marches, which the Platoon Sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys gets sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.
The country is nice, but awful flat. The Sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags some. The Capt. is like the school board. Majors and Colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none. This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why.The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk and don't move. And it ain't shooting at you, like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes. Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get into this setup and come stampeding in. Your loving daughter, Gail P.S. Speaking of shooting, enclosed is $200 towards a new barn roof and ma's teeth. The city boys shoot craps, but not very good.
The next generation reminisces:
When I was a kid adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious lectures about how hard things were when they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning uphill both ways through year 'round blizards carrying their younger siblings on their backs to their one-room schoolhouse where they maintained a straight-A average despite their full-time after-school job at the local textile mill where they worked for 35 cents an hour just to help keep their family from starving to death! And I remember promising myself that when I grew up there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of shit like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it! But now that I've reached the ripe old age of twenty-nine, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so friggin' easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a goddamned Utopia! And I hate to say it but you kids today you don't know how good you've got it! I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet--we wanted to know something, we had to go to the goddamned library and look it up ourselves! And there was no email! We had to actually write somebody a letter--with a pen!--and then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the fuckin' mailbox and it would take like a week to get there! And there were no MP3s or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you had to go to the goddamned record store and shoplift it yourself! Or we had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ'd usually talk over the beginning and fuck it all up! You want to hear about hardship? You couldn't just download porn! You had to bribe some homeless dude to buy you a copy of "Hustler" at the 7-11! It was either that or jackoff to the lingere section of the Sears catalogue! Those were your options! We didn't have fancy shit like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal! And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the the phone rang, you had no idea who it was it could be your boss, your mom, a collections agent, your drug dealer, you didn't know!!! You just had to pick it up and take your chances, mister! And we didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like "Space Invaders" and "Asteroids" and the graphics sucked ass! Your guy was a little square! You had to use your imagination! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen forever! And you could never win, the game just kept getting harder and faster until you died! Just like LIFE! When you went to the movie theater there no such thing as stadium seating! All the seats were the same height! If a tall guy sat in front of you, you were screwed! And sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 20 channels and there was no onscreen menu! You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! And there was no Cartoon Network! You could only get cartoons on Saturday morning... ...D'ya hear what the fuck I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK, you spoiled little bastards! That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy! You're spoiled, I swear to God! You guys wouldn't last five minutes back in 1984!
There’s a new female delivery service called UPMS - they deliver whenever the fuck they feel like it!
Why Men Should Be Built By Kodak:They would automatically shut off when they weren't being used.You wouldn't have to wait for them to recharge after each shot.They last longer and come with a warranty.You can try them out first for a two-week trial period and returnthem if not satisfied with no risks or hassle.They exist to capture the moment, not ruin it.They come in fashion colors.You can keep them in maximum zoom.They come with replaceable or adjustable parts.The parts that count are portable.They don't mind over-exposure.They respond to the slightest touch.The one you want is available at a KMART near you.
There was an old man from New Castle
Who wrapped up some shit in a parcel
He sent it by train
With a note to explain
That it came from his Grandmothers arsehole.
A new TV game show in Hollywood attracted many contestants who were beautiful, but not necessarily that bright. On one show, one such woman was extremely nervous, but tried to make the best of her performance. The host asked, "Who was the first man, for one thousand dollars?" She responded, "The first man was Peter, my postman, but he only paid me one hundred dollars!"
Sex Benefits!
Did you know that you can tell from the skin whether a person is sexually active or not?1. Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when women make love they produce amounts of the hormone estrogens, which makes hair shine and skin smooth.
2. Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat produced cleanses the pores and makes your skin glow.3. Lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled on during that romantic dinner.4. Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up. It stretches and tones up just about every muscle in the body. It's more enjoyable than swimming 20 laps, and you don't need special sneakers!5. Sex is an instant cure for mild depression. It releases endorphins into the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria and leaving you with a feeling of wellbeing.6. The more sex you have, the more you will be offered. The sexually active body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called pheromones. These subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite sex crazy!7. Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. IT IS 10 TIMES MORE EFFECTIVETHAN VALIUM.8. Kissing each day will keep the dentist away. Kissing encourages saliva to wash food from the teeth and lowers the level of the acid that causes decay, preventing plaque build-up.9. Sex actually relieves headaches. A lovemaking session can release the tension that restricts blood vessels in the brain.10. A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex is a natural antihistamine. It can help combat asthma and hay fever.
This message has been sent to you for good luck in sex. The original is in a room in Palaiseau. It has been sent around the world nine times. Now sex has been sent to you. The "Hot Sex Fairy" will visit you within four days of receiving this message, provided you, in turn, send it on. If you don't, then you will never receive good sex again for the rest of your life. You will eventually become celibate, and your genitals will rot and fall off. This is no joke! Send copies to people you think need sex (who doesn't?). Don't send money, as the fate of your genitals has no price. Do not keep this message. This message
must leave your e-mail in 96 hours. Please send ten copies and see what happens in four days. Since the copy must tour the world, you must send it. This is true, even if you are not superstitious.
YOU WILL HAVE GOOD SEX, but please remember: 10 copies of this message must leave your e-mail in 96 hours or you will not have good sex again for the rest of your life!
When I look at a patch of dandelions, I see a bunch of weeds that are going to take over my yard. My kids see flowers for Mom and blowing white fluff you can wish on. When I look at an old drunk and he smiles at me, I see a smelly, dirty person who probably wants money, and I look away. My kids see someone smiling at them and they smile back. When I hear music I love, I know I can't carry a tune and don't have much rhythm, so I sit self-consciously and listen. My kids feel the beat and move to it. They sing out the words. If they don't know them, they make up their own. When I feel wind on my face, I brace myself against it. I feel it messing up my hair and pulling me back when I walk. My kids close their eyes, spread their arms and fly with it, until they fall to the ground laughing. When I pray, I say thee and thou and grant me this, give me that. My kids say, "Hi God! Thanks for my toys and my friends. Please keep the bad dreams away tonight. Sorry, I don't want to go to Heaven yet. I would miss my Mommy and Daddy." When I see a mud puddle I step around it. I see muddy shoes and dirty carpets. My kids sit in it. They see dams to build, rivers to cross, and worms to play with. I wonder if we are given kids to teach or to learn from? No wonder God loves the little children! Enjoy the little things in life, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things. I wish you Big Mud Puddles and Sunny Yellow Dandelions!!!
The government has announced it will start taxing women’s breasts by size as follows:
38” – Burden tax
36” – Wealth tax
35” – Entertainment tax
34” – Exitement tax
30” – Development tax
28” – Tax refund
Hard to believe, but another year has passed. For those who don't know it, and we have once again found the Darwin Award Winning Nominees. The Darwin's are awarded every year to the persons who died (or almost died) in the stupidest way. Named Darwin Awards because it is hoped that "Survival of the Fittest" means something. Hopefully these idiots haven't passed along their stupidity. This year's nominees are:
- Nominee No. 1: [San Jose Mercury News]: An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.
- Nominee No. 2: [Kalamazoo Gazette]: James Burns, 34, (a mechanic) of Alamo, Mich., was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police describe as a "farm type truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft."
- Nominee No. 3: [Hickory Daily Record]: Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, NC, awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson 38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.
- Nominee No. 4: [UPI, Toronto]: Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy,39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the building's windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously has conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lawson, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of the best and brightest" members of the 200-man association.
- Nominee No. 5: [Bloomberg News Service]: A terrible diet and room with no ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man who was killed by his own gas. There was no mark on his body and an autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his system. His diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage (and a couple of other things). It was just the right combination of foods. It appears that the man died in his sleep from breathing the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had he been outside or had his windows been opened, it wouldn't have been fatal. But the man was shut up in his near airtight bedroom. According to the article, "He was a big man with a huge capacity for creating "this deadly gas." Three of the rescuers got sick and one was hospitalized.
- Nominee No. 6: [The News of the Weird]: Michael Anderson Godwin made News of the Weird posthumously. He had spent several years awaiting South Carolina's electric chair on a murder conviction before having his sentence reduced to life in prison. While sitting on a metal toilet in his cell attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted.
- Nominee No. 7: [The Indianapolis Star]: A cigarette lighter may have triggered a fatal explosion in Dunkirk, Indiana. A Jay County man using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzle loader was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriff's investigators said. Gregory David Pryor,19, died in his parents' rural Dunkirk home about 11:30 PM. Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a 54-caliber muzzle loader that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited.
- Nominee No. 8: [Reuters, Mississauga, Ontario]: A man cleaning a bird feeder on the balcony of his condominium apartment in this Toronto suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death. Stefan Macko, 55, was standing on a wheeled chair when the accident occurred, said Inspector D'Arcy Honer of the Peel Regional Police. "It appears the chair moved and he went over the balcony," Honer said.
- Finally, Nominee No. 9, The Winner!!!: [Arkansas Democrat Gazette]: Two local men were injured when their pickup truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday. Woodruff County deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday. Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock were returning to Des Arc after a frog gigging trip. On an overcast Sunday night, Poole's pickup truck headlights malfunctioned. The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the .22 caliber bullet from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering wheel column. Upon inserting the bullet the headlights again began to operate properly and the two men proceeded on eastbound toward the White River Bridge. After traveling approximately twenty miles and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged and struck Poole in the right testicle. The vehicle swerved sharply right, exiting the pavement and striking a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident, but will require surgeryto repair the testicle. Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released. "Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his balls off or we might both be dead" stated Wallis. "I've been a trooper for ten years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me. I can't believe that those two would admit how this accident happened," said Snyder.
They grow up so fast ... Guess who's birthday it is? Can you believe it? Monica Lewinsky turned 28 this week. It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees.
A little girl comes walking out of the bathroom and saw her mother making a cake. She said, "Mommy, can I lick the bowl?" Her mother replied, "Can't you just flush it like everyone else?"
So, this polar bear walks into a bar and says, "Give me a gin........................ and tonic." The bartender says, "Why the big pause?" The bear answered, "I don't know but my dad had them also."
THERE'S A LOT OF SADNESS IN THE WORLD... Right now, as you read this, 17 Million Americans are having SEX! And you're on the computer!
I Can't Believe We Made It !
If you lived as a child in the 40's, 50's, 60's or 70's, looking back, it's hard to believe that we have lived as long as we have. As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags. Riding in the back of a pickup truck on a warm day was always a special treat. Our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paint. We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors, or cabinets, and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets.(Not to mention hitchhiking to town as a young kid!)We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle. Horrors. We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then rode down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times we learned to solve the problem. We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on. No one was able to reach us all day. No cell phones. Unthinkable. We played dodge ball and sometimes the ball would really hurt. We got cut and broke bones and broke teeth, and there were no lawsuits from these accidents. They were accidents. No one was to blame, but us. Remember accidents? We had fights and punched each other and got black and blue and learned to get over it. We ate cupcakes, bread and butter, and drank sugar soda but we were never overweight...we were always outside playing. We shared one grape soda with four friends, from one bottle and no one died from this. We did not have Playstations, Nintendo 64, X-Boxes, video games at all, 99 channels on cable, video tape movies, surround sound, personal cell phones, Personal Computers, Internet chat rooms ... we had friends. We went outside and found them. We rode bikes or walked to a friend's home and knocked on the door, or rung the bell or just walked in and talked to them. Imagine such a thing. Without asking a parent! By ourselves! Out there in the cold cruel world! Without a guardian. How did we do it? We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate worms and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes, nor did the worms live inside us forever. Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't, had to learn to deal with disappointment..... Some students weren't as smart as others so they failed a grade and were held back to repeat the same grade.....Horrors. Tests were not adjusted for any reason. Our actions were our own. Consequences were expected. No one to hide behind. The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law, imagine that! This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem solvers and inventors, ever. The past 50 years has been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all. And you're one of them. Congratulations!
THE YEAR'S BEST [ACTUAL] HEADLINES OF 2002
Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
War Dims Hope for Peace
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
You know you’re at a Red Neck Church if:- Upon learning that Jesus fed the 5000, the men want to know whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.- The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.- When the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering." five guys and two women stand up.- Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.- A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."- In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.- Baptism is referred to as "Branding."
- The baptismal font is a #2 galvanized wash tub.- There is a special bake sale to raise funds for a new church septic tank.- High notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.- The choir is known as the "OK Chorale."- The choir robes were donated by Billy Bob's Bar-B-Q, and are embroidered with his logo.- The collection plates are really hubcaps from a '56 Chevy.
An American Indian Chief calls his three sons into his tepee. He announces that he has decided on new names for them all as they are all coming of age and have passed the required tests. The Chief sits his sons down with the elders of the tribe and passes the peace pipe around. 'Son number one - you shall be known as......' Number three son interrupts 'Father, Father what will I be called?' The chief replies, 'I will come to you in turn my son.' The chief continues, 'Son number one - you shall be known as Eagle' Son number one asks why. 'You will be strong and precise in battle - fearing no others - the elders agree.' The peace pipe is passed to son number two. Number three son interrupts, 'Father, Father what will I be called?' Chief replies, 'I will come to you in turn my son.' The chief continues, 'Son number Two - you shall be known as Swallow.' Son number two asks why. Number three son interrupts, 'Father, Father what will I be called?' The chief replies, 'I will come to in turn my son.' The chief continues talking to son number two. 'Because you will be swift and silent - surprising your enemy in battle - the elders agree.' The chief turns to the third son. 'Son number Three - you shall be known as Thrush.' Son number three asks, 'Why Thrush?' Because my son.... you are an irritating cunt - the elders agree'.
These are from actual insurance claim forms.
"I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought."
"I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the bonnet. I realized the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket."
Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident? A: Travelled by bus?
A Norwich Union customer collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were: Q - What warning was given by you? A - Horn Q - What warning was given by the other party? A - Moo
"I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control."
"I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight"
"I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk."
More from the Insurance Department files:
Q: Do you engage in motorcycling, hunting or any other pastimes of a hazardous nature? A: I Watch the Lottery Show and listen to Terry Wogan.
"Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo."
"The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again"
"I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident".
"I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment."
"Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have."
"The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."
"I thought my window was down, but I found out it wasn't when I put my head through it".
"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way".
"A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face".
"The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."
"In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."
"I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car."
"I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.”
"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck the pedestrian."
"My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle."
"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished."
"I am sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him."
"The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him."
"I saw a slow-moving, sad faced old gentleman, as he bounced off the roof of my car"
"The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth"
How many Freudian analysts does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two, one to screw in the light bulb and one to hold my penis, , , , , , I mean, the ladder.
"No matter how much money you make, you always need an extra $40 a week. I think it was Einstein who first said: 'Expense equals salary plus forty bucks.'" -Jeffrey Jena
Two lobsters were sunbathing on the beach one day. The lady lobster suggested that the gentleman lobster to get them an ice cream each. Having purchased two ice cream cones Mr. Lobster made his way back to the beach, deciding on the way to eat his ice cream. By the time he has finished his ice cream he realizes that his lady friend's ice had started to melt all down his claw. He licked up the melting ice cream. It kept melting and he kept licking until he ended up eating the whole thing. When he arrived back at the beach his lady lobster friend exclaimed, "Where are the ice creams? "Well" he explained, "I decided to eat mine, then yours melted so I ate that too." His lady friend was incensed and cried, "You shellfish bastard!"
A doorman working at a brothel hears a knock at the door. He opens up, and two Polacks are standing there. They ask: "What can we get for a five bucks?" "For five bucks?!" the doorman says, outraged, "You can suck each other's dicks for five bucks!" He then slams the door in their faces. Ten minutes latter, there's another knock at the door. It's the sailors again. "What do YOU guys want?" the doorman roars. "Where do we pay up?" they ask.
Two young princes were walking down the road near a castle. All of the sudden they see a princess. They look at each other and go over to the princess and say, "We would do anything to marry you." The princess says, "Well, Its not up to me to decide which one of you to marry." The first prince says, "What can we do?" The princess replies. "You must talk to my father first." They head off to the castle to see the king. The king says, "OK, to marry my daughter, you both must accomplish a task." The princes nod their heads. The king leads them outside to the wall surrounding the town. The king says, "OK, you must jump the wall, swim across the lake, Go to the farm, have sex with the cow, and come back." The first prince says, "That's easy!" and jumps the wall and drowns in the lake. The second prince climbs the wall, swims the lake, goes to the farm, screws the cow and comes back. The king says, "OK. Now you may pay me a hundred gold pieces to marry my daughter. "The prince thinks about it for a second and asks: "How much for the cow?"
"Here at First National, you're not just a number - you're two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash, and another number." – Unknown
Did you know that dolphins are so intelligent that within only a few weeks of captivity, they can train Americans to stand
at the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
Months that begin on Sunday will always have a "Friday the 13th."
Said Lady B. to her butler "My dear,Aren't you just the tiniest bit queer?"Answered he in surprise"Ma'am I thought you realised,Servants always come in through the rear"
A young couple went to the doctor for their annual physical exams. Afterwards, the doctor called the young man into his office and told him that he had some good news and some bad news. "The good news," he explained, "is that your fiancée has an particular strain of gonorrhea that I have only heard of once before." The guy paled. "If that's the good news, then what the hell is the bad news?" "Well," the doctor elaborated, "the bad news is that I heard about this nasty strain just last week from my dog's vet."
David Letterman’s TOP 10 WAYS TO TELL SOMEONE THEIR ZIPPER IS UNZIPPED
10. The cucumber has left the salad. 9. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells. 8. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position. 7. Paging Mr. Johnson...Paging Mr. Johnson. 6. Elvis has left the building. 5. The Buick is not all the way in the garage 4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction. 3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones. 2. Men may be From Mars .. but I can see something that rhymes with Venus. And the #1 Way to tell someone their zipper is unzipped ..... 1. You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary"
Two dyslexic bank robbers walk into a bank shouting: "Air in the hands motherstickers, this is a fuckup!"
"I just bought a microwave fireplace...You can spend a whole evening in front of it in only eight minutes." -Steven Wright
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as he father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horses' legs, rump and chest. After a few minutes, Little Johnny asked, "Pop, why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because I'm thinking of buying these horses." Little Johnny looked worried and said, "Then I think we'd better hurry home right away, ‘cause the UPS man stopped by yesterday, and I think he wants to buy Mom!"
The ABC's Of Ex Wives
A is for Alimony ... the gift that keeps on giving.
B is for Balls ... which are now ours again.
C is for Court ... where you finally find out the meaning of a good screw.
D is for Divorce ... the alternative to ax murder.
E is for Equitable Distribution ... another oxymoron.
F is for Flatulence ... finally we can let loose without being criticized for causing the flowers to wilt.
G is for Gandhi ... someone you could actually say had lost weight without having to lie.
H is for House ... which the she also got.
I is for Inmate ... where you also get to room with Bubba when the child support is late.
J is for Jewelry ... the former great equalizer.
K is for Kids ... the best of everything.
L is for Lawyer ... whose most recent vacation you just paid for.
M is for Mother ... and Oh what a Mother Fucker!
N is for Not tonight, I have a headache.
O is for Overdrawn ... what your checking account always was.
P is for PMS ... what we say: "No, honey, you don't look like you're retaining water." . . . what we mean, "No wonder there's a citywide drought."
Q is for Quarter ... what YOU get for each dollar SHE gets.
R is for Rehearsal Dinner ... should never have stayed for dessert.
S is for Sex ... thank goodness she rolled in her sleep.
T is for Throat ... the anatomic area she goes for in the settlement.
U is for UPS ... the delivery guy you are on a first name basis with, and who spent more time at your house than you did.
V is for Visa ... one of several cards she maxed out.
W is for Wrong ... which you always were.
X is for X chromosome ... I swear some women have more than two!
Y is for Yacht ... maybe the next guy will have one.
Z is for Zirconium ... I wonder if she ever figured out that all her diamonds were Cubic Zirconium.
There's a church-sponsored basketball league in the Atlanta area that makes awards to players at the end of every game.Young players will get awards for best defense, best offense, best sportsmanship, and an award for being the most "Christlike." I asked a mother how a player would qualify for that award. "It's easy," she said. "If the crowd moans 'Oh, Jesus!' every time one particular player gets the ball, he gets the award."
A blonde calls United Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?" The agent replies, "Just a minute..." "Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.
Another blonde takes her electric clock to a repairman. He examined it and told her, "There's nothing wrong with the clock. You didn't have it plugged in." The blonde replied, "I don't want to waste electricity, so I only plug it in when I want to know what time it is."
Two friends went out to play golf and were about to tee off, when one fellow noticed that his partner had only one golf ball. "Don't you have at least one other golf ball?" he asked. The other guy replied that he only needed one. "Are you sure?" the friend persisted. "What happens if you lose that ball?" The other guy replied, "This is a very special golf ball. I can't lose it so I don't need another one. If It goes in the lake, it floats. If it goes in the woods it has a homing beacon, if it gets dark it lights up " Finally satisfied that he needs only the one golf ball, the friend asks, "Hey, where did you get a golf ball like that anyway?" The other guy replies, "I found it."
Three bachelors were kidding Morris, the married man among them. "You've been married five years now, Morris, how come you have no children?" asked one of them. Then trying to make a bad pun, he added, "Is your wife unbearable?" "Or," said another guy, "is she inconceivable?" "Maybe she's impregnable!" joked the third man. "No, boys you're all wrong," lamented Morris. "My wife is insurmountable and inscrutable!"
You've heard about Spain's famous "Running of the Bulls"? But did you know there are two "follow-up" events?
The "Soiling of the Pants." And then the "Burying of the Idiots."
I was injured while using the toilet. Luckily, it was just a flush wound.
Senior personal ads seen in Florida and Arizona newspapers: Who says seniors don't have a sense of Humor?
- FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious, blue-haired beauty,80's, slim, 5'4"(used to be 5'6"), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.
- LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem. - SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.
- WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.
- BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.
- MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.
- MINT CONDITION: Male, 1927, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks well.
Kosher version of Dr. Seuss’s Green Eggs and Ham:
They are not KOSHER, So let me be! I will not eat green eggs and ham. I will not eat them, Sam-I-am But I'll eat green eggs with a biscuit Or I will try them with some brisket. I'll eat green eggs in a box. If you serve them with some lox. And those green eggs are worth a try Scrambled up in matzo brie! And in a boat upon the river, I'll eat green eggs with chopped liver! So if you're a Jewish Dr. Seuss fan, But troubled by green eggs and ham, Let your friends in on the scoop: Green eggs taste best with chicken soup!
Tony Blair is visiting an Edinburgh hospital. He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness and greets one. The patient replies:
"Fair fa your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain o' the puddin race,
Aboon them a you take your place,
Painch, tripe or thairm,
As langs my airm."
Blair is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient. The patient responds:
"Some hae meat and canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat and we can eat,
So let the Lord be thankit."
Even more confused, and his grin now rictus-like, the PM moves on to the next patient, who immediately begins to chant:
"We sleekit, cowerin, timrous beasty,
Thou needna start awa sae hastie,
Wi bickering brattle."
Now seriously troubled, Blair turns to the accompanying doctor and asks "What kind of facility is this? A mental ward?" "No", replies the doctor. "It's the serious Burns unit."
The Origins Of Jewish Oral Law:
When Moses went up to the Mt. Sinai to receive the oral explanation of God's laws, he was quite confused with the commandment . . . "Do not boil a kid in it's mother's milk".
Moses (Perplexed): I don't quite understand this line about boiling a kid in it's own mothers milk. What does it mean?
God: It means, don't boil a kid in it's mother's milk. That's what it says...and that's what it means !
Moses thinks for a while and replies: Oh I get it, it means that we shouldn't eat meat products and dairy products on the same plate.
God: No, it means don't boil a kid in it's mother's milk.
Moses: Oh, I get it. We should have a separate set of dishes for dairy and meat products.
God: No, it means don't boil a kid in it's mother's milk.
Moses: Oh, I see. It means we should wait an appropriate amount of time after eating flesh before we can intake of milk or any dairy product. But fish is o.k. since it doesn't give milk.
God: No, it means don't boil a kid in it's mother's milk.
Moses: What about chicken? it doesn't give milk but it sort of tastes like the flesh of a milk producing beast?
God: MOSES! IT MEANS DON'T BOIL A KID IN IT'S MOTHER'S MILK!
Moses: OK I think I got it all now. We should have a separate set of cooking and eating utensils for meat and dairy products. After partaking of meat we should wait an appropriate amount of time before we partake of any dairy products. Fish should not be considered as meat since it doesn't give milk. Chicken, on the other hand should be considered as meat even though it doesn't produce milk since it tastes a lot like it does.
God: ...Whatever ! !....Have it your way !
Imagine if instead of one astronaut, the entire Space Shuttle crew were Israelis:
- The flight would leave an hour late.
- Instead of counting down from ten to blastoff, they'd read T'filat HaDerech.
- As the astronauts prepared to board the spacecraft, a young girl in a cheap navy jacket would ask them who had packed their luggage. She'd write their replies on her hand and nobody would understand why.
- At least one of the astronauts would actually be plainclothes security.
- The orbits around the Earth would take less time than 1 1/2 hours because the pilot would take a shortcut via a lower orbital level.
- The Shuttle would tailgate the American Spacelab until it was able to pass it (on the right).
- Each astronaut would have his or her own cellphone and spend most of the flight talking while they worked.
- The crew might not get their work done because they keep slipping off to go shopping.
- The Space Shuttle would be bulletproofed.
- After two days in space, the Palestinian Authority would complain to the United Nations and CNN that the Space Shuttle was actually their property and had been for hundreds of years.
- The next day United Nations would pass a resolution confirming this.
- Thomas Friedman would suggest that the Israelis give the Palestinians half of the Shuttle.
- Every time the astronauts appeared on live television, Judge Cheshin would threaten to cut off their press conference. But it wouldn't matter because all of them, including Mission Control, would be talking at the same time so nobody would understand a word anyway.
- The Shuttle would take two years for preparation - 6 months of training and a year and a half to argue who gets the seats.
- The Shuttle would need double the amount of toilets. And the astronauts would insist on drinking every hour (anyway the drinks come free with the ticket).
- The Shuttle would need special air filters to clear out all the sunflower and pumpkin seeds.
- The Israeli Space Shuttle would be the very first spacecraft with a satellite television dish attached.
- The Israeli Space Agency would start looking for tourists like Tito, to pay for part of the trip.
- The advertisement would come on before and after the weather report and the Shuttle would be called, "Club Hotel Space". None of the units would sell because there's no swimming pool.
- The crew would be the only Israelis anywhere with clear reception of Arutz 7.
- The Israeli Shuttle would have to have windows that open - the astronauts can't possibly go two weeks without fresh air. - On the re-entry landing, the Shuttle would have problems with overweight luggage. Some of the overweight would be "souvenirs" pulled off of the Shuttle.
- The astronauts would stand up to collect their things before the Shuttle came into the atmosphere. And they'd applaud at touchdown.
- The Space Shuttle would look like a mess after the flight.
- At least half of the astronauts would put in a request to apply the mileage to their Frequent Flyers account.
- The longest part of the trip would be standing at Passport Control at Lod Airport. And the taxi home would be the most dangerous part.
What do Marijuana and the Oakland Raiders have in common? They both get smoked in a bowl.
Why did the blonde have lip stick on her steering wheel? She was trying to blow the horn.
Nobody is a virgin anymore, life has fucked us all.
A young Native American woman went to a doctor for her first ever physical exam. After checking all of her vitals and running the usual tests the doctor said, "Well, Running Doe, you are in fine health. I can find no problems. However, I did notice one strange anomaly." "And what is that, Doctor?" "Well, you have no nipples." "None of the people in my tribe have nipples," she replied. "That is astounding!", said the incredulous doc."If you don't mind, I'd like to take a few notes in order to submit this phenomenon to The New England Journal of Medicine." "All right, doctor." Notepad in hand, the doctor asked, "First of all, how many people are there in your tribe?" She answered, "Approximately 500." "And what is the name of this tribe?", asked the doc Running Doe replied......... We are known as, "The Indian Nippleless Five Hundred."
Recent Auto-Industry Improvements:
Chevy has added wires to the rear window to clear fog and frost.
Dodge is adding wires under the wipers so they can be freed when frozen and not burn up the motor.
Ford is adding the wire elements to the tailgates on all of their trucks to keeps your hands warm while you're pushing!
In a New York park, a young boy was attacked by a savage dog. Passer by happened to see that and came to the rescue. Having tackled the dog, he strangled it to death. A reporter for the New York Times was watching all this and took snap shots for a front page picture in the next days paper. Approaching our hero he says: "Your heroic feat shall be published with the headline - Brave New Yorker rescues boy". "I'm not from New York" replied our brave hero. "Oh in that case we'll change the headline – Brave American rescues boy from savage dog." "I'm not American either" replied our brave hero. On being asked about who he really is our hero replied, "I'm Pakistani." Well the next day the headline on the front page of The New York Times said: "Muslim Fundamentalist strangles puppy dog to death in New York park. FBI investigating possible link to Al-Qaeda."
"I won't say our school was tough, but we had our own coroner. We used to write essays like: What I'm going to be if I grow up." -Lenny Bruce
I was crossing the street. I got hit by a mobile library. I was lying there in pain, screaming. The guy looked at me. He went, "Shhhh."
A rich man went to his pastor and said, "I want you and your wife to take a three-month trip to the Holy Land at my expense. When you come back, I'll have a surprise for you." The pastor accepted the offer, and he and his wife went off to the Middle East. Three months later they returned home and were met by the wealthy member, who told them that while they were gone, he had had a new church built. "It's the finest building money can buy, pastor," said the man. "No expense was spared." And he was right. It was a magnificent edifice both inside and out. But there was one striking difference. There was only one pew, and it was at the very back. "A church with only one pew?" asked the pastor. "You just wait until Sunday," the rich man said. When the time came for the Sunday service, the early arrivals entered the church, filed onto the one pew and sat down. When the pew was full, a switch clicked silently, a circuit closed, the gears meshed, a belt moved and, automatically, the rear pew began to move forward. When it reached the front of the church, it came to a stop. At the same time, another empty pew came up from below at the back and more people sat down. And so it continued, pews filling and moving forwards until finally the church was full, from front to back. "Wonderful!" said the pastor, "Marvelous!" The service began, and the pastor started to preach his sermon. He launched into his text, and when 12 o'clock came, he was still going strong, with no end in sight. Suddenly a bell rang, and a trap door in the floor behind the pulpit dropped open. "Wonderful!" said the congregation, "Marvelous!"
Hearing vs. Listening
What a woman says: C'mon...This place is a mess! You and I need to clean. Your pants are on the floor and you'll have no clothes if we don't do laundry now!
What a man hears: C'MON....blah, blah, blah YOU AND I blah, blah, blah, blah, blah ON THE FLOOR blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES blah, blah, blah, blah, NOW!
An old Wild West fort is about to be attacked. The wily old General sends for his trusty Indian Scout. "Yellow Bear," he said, "you must use all your thirty years of skill in trying to estimate the sort of army we are up against here." Yellow Bear lay down and put his ear to the ground..."Large Heap - war party," he says, "maybe three hundred braves, four chiefs, two on black horses, two on white stallions. All have warpaint...many many guns. Medicine man also with them." "Good grief!" exclaims the General, "you can tell all of that just by listening to the ground???" "No, General," replied the Indian, "I can see under the gate..."
Another example of your government at work????1. Which president smoked marijuana with a nude playgirl while he joked about being too wasted to "push the button" in case of nuclear attack??
2. Which president allegedly had affairs with both a winner AND a finalist in the Miss America pageant??
3. Which president had sex with one of his secretaries stretched out atop a desk in the oval office??
4. Which president allegedly had an affair (as well as children) with a slave who was his wife's half sister??
5. Which president called his mistress "Pookie"??
6. Which president married a woman who hadn't yet divorced her first husband, and was branded an "adulterer" during his re-election campaign??
7. Which future president wrote love letters to his neighbor's wife while he was engaged to someone else??
8. Which president had a torrid affair with the First Lady's personal secretary??
9. Which president had sex with a young woman in a White House coat closet, while, at one point a secret service agent prevented the hysterical First Lady from attacking them??
10. Which president had sex in a closet while telling his partner about the other president who did the same in a closet??
11. Which Vice-President was ticked off because he felt that HIS record of sexual conquests was much more "impressive" (i.e. numerous) than the President's??
12. Which future president, while a college student, enjoyed showing off his penis, which he named Jumbo??
Answers:
1. John F. Kennedy
2 Bill Clinton
3. Lyndon B. Johnson
4. Thomas Jefferson
5. Bill Clinton
6. Andrew Jackson
7. George Washington, Lyndon B. Johnson
8. Franklin D. Roosevelt, John F. Kennedy
9. Warren G. Harding
10. John F. Kennedy
11. Lyndon B. Johnson
12. Lyndon B. Johnson
I needed some supplies from a Sunday school cupboard that was seldom used and was secured with a lock. I didn't know the combination, but our clergyman offered to give it a try. Father Jack placed his fingers on the lock's dial and raised his eyes heavenward for a moment. Then he confidently spun the dial and opened the lock. Seeing how impressed I was with this demonstration of faith, he smiled and confided, "The numbers are written on the ceiling."
These two ol' boys from Beaumont bought a new mule, but had trouble getting him in their barn. Every time they would get him to the door, his ears would brush the top of the doorway and he'd start kicking and go wild. Finally, they decide the best way to solve the problem is to jack up the barn. So, they go out and get a half dozen jacks. The two Texians are scrambling from jack to jack to try to get the barn raised when this Cajun walks up. "Wot chall doin?" Boudreaux asks. "We's raisin thuh barn, yuh stoopid Cajun," Billy Bob says. Why you do dat?" "Cause thuh mule's ears keep touchin' thuh doorway when we try to put him in iss-here barn and he goes haf-crazy wild," Billy Bob says. "He kicked Ernest Wayne plumb in thuh haid twicet already." "Why come you don' just dig de hole in de doorway? Dat way him got to go down when he get to de do' an him ear don't touch nutin." "Ya stoopid Cajun," Ernest Wayne chimes in. "It's his ears at's too long, not his laigs!"
Bubba and Joe Bob were dragging their dead deer back to their car. Another experienced hunter approached, pulling his along too. "Hey, guys, I don't want to tell you how to do something, but I can tell you that it's sure easier if you drag the deer in the other direction. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground." After the third hunter left, the boys decided to give it a try. A little while later Bubba said to Joe Bob, "You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!" Joe Bob said, "Yep... but we're getting farther and farther away from the truck!"
The new Vicar was up early one Sunday morning, walking round his new parish, after leaving his wife in bed with the Sunday papers, her cup of tea, and a pack of cigarettes. One of the old villagers came up to him and said. "Good morning Vicar, how be you and the wife?" The Vicar said, "Good morning my man, I am fine, the wife is fine also as I left her in bed smoking." The villager said, "Arr, Vicar, that's the way to fuck 'em!"
I was interviewing a jeweler for a story I was writing on giving new life to old jewelry, and I asked him to tell me about his most memorable client. "It was a divorced woman who had me make a pair of earrings from her inscribed wedding band," he remembered. "One earring read, 'with all,' and the other, 'my love.' When I asked why she had wanted it done that way, she answered, 'To remind me that the next time anyone says that to me, I should let in go in one ear and out the other.'"
Whenever my aunt went to the doctor, she would complain to me about the long delay she always endured. One day, when my aunt's name was finally called, she was asked to step on the scale. "I need to get your weight today," said the nurse. Without a moment's hesitation, my aunt replied, "One hour and 45 minutes!"
Getting away from their high-stress jobs, a couple spends relaxing weekends in their motor home. When they found their peace and quiet disturbed by well-meaning, but unwelcome, visits from other campers, they devised a plan to assure themselves some privacy. Now, when they set up camp, they place this sign on the door of their RV: "Insurance agent. Ask about our term-life package."
A sailor was caught AWOL as he tried to sneak on board his ship at about 3 am. The chief petty officer spied him and ordered the sailor to stop. Upon hearing the sailor's lame explanation for his tardiness, the officer ordered the sailor, "Take this broom and sweep every link on this anchor chain by morning or it's the brig for you!" The sailor picked up the broom and commenced performing his charge. As he began to sweep, a tern landed on the broom handle. The sailor yelled at the bird to leave, but it didn't. The lad picked the tern off the broom handle and, giving the bird a toss. The bird left, only to return and light once again on the broom handle. The sailor went through the same routine all over again, with the same result. He couldn't get any cleaning done because he could only sweep at the chain once or twice before the blasted bird returned. When morning came, so did the chief petty officer, to check up on his wayward sailor. "What in the heck have you been doing all night? This chain is no cleaner than when you started! What have you to say for yourself, sailor?" barked the chief. "Honest, chief," came the reply, "I tossed a tern all night and couldn't sweep a link!"
Doctor, doctor, my wooden leg is giving me a lot of pain. Why's that? My wife keeps hitting me over the head with it.
Doctor, doctor, my hair's coming out. Can you give me something to keep it in? Certainly - how about a paper bag?
Doctor, doctor, people keep ignoring me. Next, please!
Doctor, doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains. Pull yourself together!
Doctor, doctor, I feel like a bridge. What's come over you? Two cars and a bus!
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a spoon. Sit there and don't stir.
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a billiard ball. Get back in the queue.
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a pack of cards. I'll deal with you later.
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking there's two of me. One at a time, please.
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a dog. Lie down on the couch and I'll examine you. I can't. I'm not allowed on the furniture.
Doctor, doctor, I've lost my memory. When did it happen? When did what happen?
Doctor, doctor, my little boy's swallowed a bullet. What shall I do? Well, for a start, don't point him at me.
If people who shun all meat are vegetarians, are cannibals then considered to be humanitarians?
Four life insurance companies are in competition. One comes up with the slogan, "Coverage from the cradle to the grave." The Second one tries to improve on that with, "Coverage from the womb to the tomb. "Not to be outdone, the third one comes up with, "From the sperm to the worm." The fourth insurance company really thought hard and almost gave up the race, but finally came up with, "From the erection to the resurrection."
There lived an old man by the bay
Who wanted to find a good lay
He wooed a young lass
With a tight little ass
He just didn't know he'd have to pay.
Top Ten Signs Saddam Hussein Is Planning To Move To Your Neighborhood
10. While watching CNN your daughter exclaims, "That's the guy who brought my Girl Scout cookies!"
9. Predator drones circling overhead
8. Your mailman made a mistake and gave you a shipment of plutonium
7. Streets have fewer minivans, more tanks
6. Sign on lawn: "Trespassers will be gassed and tortured"
5. Sean Penn keeps coming over
4. Your address: 145 Murray Street; newspaper's headline: "82nd Airborne Deployed To 148 Murray Street"
3. At Home Depot, you notice four Saddam doubles arguing about carpet
2. In driveway, Humvee with license plate "Ruthless 1"
1. Classified ad seeks "The mother of all affordable split-level homes"
ISLAMIC TV GUIDE (updated)
SUNDAY:
0800 - My 33 Sons
0830 - Osama Knows Best
0900 - I Dream of Mohammed
0930 - Let's Mecca Deal
1000 - The Kabul Hillbillies
MONDAY:
0800 - Husseinfeld
0900 - Mad About Everything
0930 - Monday Night Stoning
1000 - Win Bin Laden's Money
1030 - Allah McBeal
TUESDAY:
0800 - Wheel of Terror
0830 - The Price is Right if Osama Says it's Right
0900 - Children are Forbidden from Saying the Darndest Things
0930 - Saddam's Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers
WEDNESDAY:
0800 - Beat the Press
0830 - When Kurds Attack
0900 - Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pita Bread
0930 - Just Shoot Everyone
1000 - Veilwatch
THURSDAY:
0800 - Fatima Loves Chachi
0830 - M*U*S*T*A*S*H
0900 - Veronica's Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses and Veils
0930 - Married with 139 Children
1000 - Eye for an Eye Witness News
FRIDAY:
0800 - Spongebob Squareturban
0830 - Who's Koran Is It Anyway?
0900 - Teletalibans
0930 - Camel 54, Where Are You?
SATURDAY:
0800 - Judge Jihad
0830 - Suddenly Sanctions
0900 - Who Wants to Marry a Terrorist Millionaire?
0930 - Cave and Garden Television
1000 - No-Witness News
Top Ten Answers To The Question, "How Cold Is It?"
10. It's so cold, Saddam Hussein has begun stockpiling weapons-grade tomato soup
9. It's so cold, Jennifer Lopez has been downgraded from "hot" to "lukewarm"
8. It's so cold, I had to defrost my mail
7. It's so cold, exotic dancers only removing the first few layers of clothing
6. It's so cold, people are coming into the Ed Sullivan Theater to warm up
5. It's so cold, Richard Simmons is wearing long pants
4. It's so cold, Hans Blix is off to search for chemical weapons in Cancun
3. It's so cold, people are flocking to "Live with Regis and Kelly!" for the artificial warmth
2. It's so cold, not only is Ted Williams frozen, but so is Barry Bonds
1. It's so cold, Michael Jackson is dangling himself in front of a fireplace
Top Ten Signs Your Neighbor Is Making Clones
10. You admire his dog. Offers to make you one
9. Toll collector spotted four of him in the carpool lane
8. Always at Kinko's studying the equipment
7. He's an unmarried scientist with 53 sons
6. You're pretty sure you saw Einstein, Lincoln and Heidi Klum lounging around his pool
5. The clumsy attempts to make his kids look different using hats
4. When your wife has twins, he howls, "Amateur"
3. On hot summer days, neighbor kid sets up a Clonaid stand
2. His son's birthday cake reads, "Happy Somatic Cell Genetic Mutation Day Darren!"
1. You look out your window and you see you washing his car
A man finally gets his prescription for Viagra. Anxious to try it out, he takes one as soon as he gets home, and waits for his wife to come home from work, but, in his excitement he forgets and leaves the package open on the table and his cockatiel eats all of them. Seeing the results and panicking the man grabs the bird and stuffs him into the freezer to cool off. Unfortunately, his Viagra kicks in just as his wife comes home and it is hours later before he remembers the cockatiel. He runs and looks in the freezer expecting the worst, only to find the bird breathing heavily, drained with sweat and totally exhausted. "What happened?" the man asks, "You were in there for hours and yet you're not only alive but you're sweating like crazy?" The cockatiel pants: "Man, have you ever tried to pry apart the legs on a frozen chicken?"
Why are men Thinkers and women Talkers? . Because men have two heads and women have four lips.
This fellow walks into a pharmacy and asks for a vial of Cyanide. The pharmacist, trying to keep a professional posture, asked what he wanted it for. He answered, "I want to kill my wife." "I'm sorry Sir," the pharmacist replied, "but you will have to understand that under such circumstances I can't sell you any Cyanide." The guy reaches into his wallet and produces a photo of his wife. The pharmacist takes a look at the photo, blushes and replies, "I am sorry Sir, I didn't realize you had a prescription."
What did Kermit the Frog get when Miss Piggy caught him cheating on her? Green acres!
With Joe Lieberman announcing his candidacy, could you say he's thrown his yarmelka into the ring?
These are the 10 winners of this year's Bulwer-Lytton contest (run by the English Dept of San Jose State University), wherein one writes only the first line of a bad novel.
10) "As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were ever to break wind in the echo chamber he would never hear the end of it."
9)"Just beyond the Narrows the river widens."
8) "With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a tanned, unblemished oval face framed with lustrous thick brown hair, deep azure-blue eyes fringed with long black lashes, perfect teeth that vied for competition, and a small straight nose, Marilee had a beauty that defied description." "Andre, a simple peasant, had only one thing on his mind as he crept along the East wall: 'Andre creep... Andre creep... Andre creep.'"
6) "Stanislaus Smedley, a man always on the cutting edge of narcissism, was about to give his body and soul to a back alley sex-change surgeon to become the woman he loved."
5) "Although Sarah had an abnormal fear of mice, it did not keep her from eeking out a living at a local pet store."
4) "Stanley looked quite bored and somewhat detached, but then penguins often do."
3) "Like an over-ripe beefsteak tomato rimmed with cottage cheese, the corpulent remains of Santa Claus lay dead on the hotel floor."
2) "Mike Hardware was the kind of private eye who didn't know the meaning of the word 'fear'; a man who could laugh in the face of danger and spit in the eye of death -- in short, a moron with suicidal tendencies.
"AND THE WINNER IS...
1) "The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness, crept along the greensward, and, with sickly fingers, pushed through the castle window, revealing the pillaged princess, hand at throat, crown asunder, gaping in frenzied horror at the sated, sodden amphibian lying beside her, disbelieving the magnitude of the frog's deception, screaming madly,
"You lied!'"
Jackie Mason talks about Starbucks (I love this).
If I said to you, "I have a great idea for a business. I'll open a whole new type of coffee shop. Instead of charging 60 cents for coffee I'll charge $2.50, $3.50, $4.50, and $5.50. Not only that, I'll have no tables, no chairs, no water, no free refills, no waiters, no busboys, serve it in cardboard cups, and have the customer clean it up for 20 minutes after they're finished." Would you say to me, "That's the greatest idea for a business I ever heard! We can open a chain of these all over the world!" No, you would put me right into a sanitarium. And it's burnt coffee! It's burnt coffee at Starbuck's, let's be honest about it. If you get burnt coffee in a coffee shop, you call a cop. You say, "It's the bottom of the pot. I don't drink from the bottom of the pot. But when it's burnt at Starbuck's, they say, "Oh, it's a special roast. It's a special bean from Argentina....." The bean is in your head!!! I know burnt!!! You want coffee in a coffee shop, that's 60 cents. But at Starbuck's, if it's Cafe Latte: $3.50. Cafe Creamier: $4.50. Caffe Suisse: $9.50. For each French word, another four dollars. Why does a little cream in coffee make it worth $3.50? Go into any coffee shop; they'll give you all the cream you want until you're blue in the face. Forty-million people are walking around in coffee shops with pitchers of cream: "Here's all the cream you want!" And it's still 60 cents. You know why? Because it's called "coffee." You want cinnamon in your coffee? Ask for cinnamon in a coffee shop; they'll give you all the cinnamon you want. Do they ask you for more money because it's cinnamon? It's the same price for cinnamon in your coffee as for coffee without cinnamon - 60 cents, that's it. But not in Starbucks. Over there, it's Cinnamonnier - $9.50. You want a refill in a regular coffee shop, they'll give you all The refills you want until you drop dead. You can come in when you're 27 and keep drinking coffee until you're 98. And they'll start begging you: "Here, you want more coffee?" Do you know that you can't get a refill at Starbucks? A refill is a Dollar fifty. two refills, $4.50. Three refills, $19.50. So, for four cups of coffee - $35.00. And there're no chairs in those Starbucks. Instead, they have these high stools. You ever see these stools? You haven't been on a chair that high since you were two. Seventy-three year old Jews are climbing and climbing to get to the top of the chair. And when they get to the top, they can't even drink the coffee because there's 12 people around one little table, and everybody's saying, "Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me, excuse me....." Then they can't get off the chair. Old Jews are begging Gentiles, "Mister, could you get me off this?" Do you remember what a cafeteria was? In poor neighborhoods all over this country, they went to a cafeteria because there were no waiters and no service. And so poor people could save money on a tip. Cafeterias didn't have regular tables or chairs either. They gave coffee to you in a cardboard cup. So because of that you paid less for the coffee. You got less, so you paid less. It's all the same at Starbucks - no chairs, no service, a cardboard cup for your coffee - except in Starbucks, the less you get, the more it costs. By the time they give you nothing, it's worth four times as much! Am I exaggerating? Did you ever try to buy a cookie in Starbuck's? Buy a cookie in a regular coffee shop. You can tear down a building with that cookie. And the whole cookie is 60 cents. At Starbuck's, you're going to have to hire a detective to find that cookie, and it's $9.50. And you can't put butter on it because they want extra. Do you know that if you buy a bagel, you pay extra for cream cheese in Starbuck's? Cream cheese, another 60 Cents. A knife to put it on, 32 cents. If it reaches the bagel, 48 cents. That bagel costs you $312. And they don't give you the butter or the cream cheese. They don't give it to you. They tell you where it is. "Oh, you want butter? It's over there. Cream cheese? Over here. Sugar? Sugar is here." Now you become your own waiter. You walk around with a tray. "I'll take the cookie. Where's the butter? The butter's here. Where's the cream cheese? The cream cheese is there." You walked around for an hour and a half selecting items, and then the guy at the cash register has a glass in front of him that says "Tips." You're waiting on tables for an hour, and you owe him money? Then there's a sign that says please clean it up when you're finished.
As a kindergarten teacher was walking past a young lad playing with cars in the sandbox, she overheard him say 'Cocksucking whore!' "Jeffrey," she said, "you shouldn't use that kind of language. Where did you hear it?" "My daddy said it," he responded. "Well, that doesn't matter," she explained, "you don't know what it means." "I do, too," Jeffrey corrected. "It means the car won't start."
At one local church, Joe was in charge of taking up the offerings. One Sunday after the services, the priest counted the cash and found it was smaller than anticipated. So he questioned Joe. He told him that it did not seem enough for the size of the congregation. Joe said that he did not take any of the offering. The priest again questioned him, and again he said that he did not take any of the offering. So the priest said, "Get into the confessional," which Joe did. Then the priest asked him if he took any of the offering, and this time he said, "I can't hear you." Again the priest asked, "Joe, did you take any of the offering?" Again Joe answered, "I can't hear you." This time the priest yelled, "JOE DID YOU TAKE ANY OF THE OFFERING?" Again Joe answered, "I can't hear you." By this time the priest was getting a little angry so he came out of the confessional and said, "Joe, trade places with me, and you can ask me a question." So they traded places, and Joe asked, "I hear that you and my wife are having an affair; is that true?" The priest answered, "By golly, you can't hear in here."
One evening, after attending the theater, two gentlemen were walking down the avenue when they observed a rather well dressed and attractive young lady walking ahead of them. One of them turned to the other and remarked, "I'd give $250.00 to spend the night with that woman." Much to their surprise, the young lady overheard the remark, turned around, and replied, "I'll take you up on that offer." She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after bidding his companion good night, the man accompanied the young lady to her apartment. The following morning the man presented her with $125.00 as he prepared to leave. She demanded the rest of the money, stating "If you don't give me the other $125.00, I'll sue you for it." He laughed, saying, "I'd like to see you get it on these grounds." Within a few days, he was surprised when he received a summons ordering his presence in court as a defendant in a lawsuit. He hurried to his lawyer and explained the details of the case. His lawyer said, "She can't possibly get a judgment against you on such grounds, but it will be interesting to see how her case will be presented." After the usual preliminaries, the lady's lawyer addressed the court as follows: "Your honor, my client, this lady, is the owner of a piece of property, a garden spot, surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which property she agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified length of time for the sum of $250.00. The defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively for the purposes for which it was rented, but upon evacuating the premises, he paid only $125.00, one-half of the amount agreed upon. The rent was not excessive, since it is restricted property, and we ask judgment be granted against the defendant to assure payment of the balance." The defendant's lawyer was impressed and amused by the way his opponent had presented the case. His defense therefore was somewhat different from the way he originally planned to present it. "Your honor," he said, "my client agrees that the lady has a fine piece of property, which he did rent such property for a time, and a degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction. However, my client found a well on the property around which he placed his own stones, sunk a shaft, and erected a pump, all labor performed personally by him. We claim these improvements to the property were sufficient to offset the unpaid amount, and that the plaintiff was adequately compensated for the rental of said property. We, therefore, ask that judgment not be granted." The young lady's lawyer answered, "Your honor, my client agrees that the defendant did find a well on her property. However, had the defendant not known that the well existed; he would never have rented the property. Also, upon evacuating the premises, the defendant removed the stones, pulled out the shaft, and took the pump with him. In doing so, he not only dragged the equipment through the shrubbery, but left the hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, making the property much less desirable to others. We, therefore, ask that judgment be granted." In the Judge's decision, he provided for two options: "Pay the $125.00 or have the equipment detached from its current location and provide it to the plaintiff for damages." The defendant immediately wrote a check.
Amount spent by the U.S. government to investigate Bill Clinton's penis: $62 million.
Amount spent by the U.S. government to investigate the attacks on 9/11: $3 million.
Feeling BLUE? The definitive diagnostic test.
"My bet is you ain't got da Blues. You might got sum uddah dam ting, but you ain't got dem True Blues." - Big Sadie Ann
1. Most Blues begin with: "Woke up this morning...."
2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."
3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes... sort of: "Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and she weigh 500 pound."
4. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch--ain't no way out.
5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any place that don't get rain.
8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg 'cause you were skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chomping on it is.
9. You can't have no Blues in a office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.
10. Good places for the Blues:
a. highway
b. jailhouse
c. empty bed
d. bottom of a whiskey glass
Bad places for the Blues:
a. Nordstrom's
b. gallery openings
c. Junior League
d. golf courses
11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be a old ethnic person, and you slept in it.
12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues?
Yes, if:
a. you older than dirt
b. you blind >c. you shot a man in Memphis
d. you can't be satisfied
No, if:
a. you have all your teeth
b. you were once blind but now can see
c. the man in Memphis lived
d. you have a 401K or trust fund
13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Sonny Liston could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues.
14. If you ask for water and your darlin' give you gasoline, it's the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are: a. cheap wine
b. whiskey or bourbon
c. muddy water
d. nasty black coffee
The following are NOT Blues beverages:
a. Perrier
b. Chardonnay
c. Snapple
d. Slim Fast
15. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So are the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broken-down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or while getting liposuction.
16. Some Blues names for women:
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
d. Fat River Dumpling
7. Some Blues names for men:
a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Big Willie
18. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Jennifer, Debbie, and Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
19. Make your own Blues name Starter Kit:
a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.)
c. Last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
For example: Blind Lime Jefferson, Jakeleg Lemon Johnson or Cripple Kiwi
Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")
20. I don't care how tragic your life: if you own a computer, you cannot sing the blues.
There was a young lady named Myrtle,
Who amused herself with a sea turtle.
And what was phenomenal,
A swelling abdominal,
Revealed that the turtle was fertile!
If Wal-Mart was classified as a country, it would be the 24th most productive country in the world.
A running cheetah can reach a speed of 70 MPH, and at this speed, only one of the animal's four paws at a time makes contact with the ground.
Amen is the word that's the same in the most languages, followed by taxi.
Actual Newspaper Headlines.
GATORS TO FACE SEMINOLES WITH PETERS OUT- The Tallahassee Bugle
MESSIAH CLIMAXES IN CHORUS OF HALLELUJAHS- The Anchorage Alaska Times
THANKS TO PRESIDENT CLINTON, STAFF SGT. FRUER NOW HAS A SON- The Arkansas Plainsman
CLINTON PLACES DICKEY IN GORE'S HANDS-Bangor Maine News
CLINTON STIFF ON WITHDRAWAL- The Bosnia Bugle
ORGAN FESTIVAL ENDS IN SMASHING CLIMAX- San Antonio Rose
PETROLEUM JELLY KEEPS IDLE TOOLS RUST-FREE- Chicago Daily News
TEXTRON INC. MAKES OFFER TO SCREW COMPANY STOCKHOLDERS- The Miami Herald
MARRIED PRIESTS IN CATHOLIC CHURCH A LONG TIME COMING- The New Haven Connecticut Register
GOVERNOR CHILES OFFERS RARE OPPORTUNITY TO GOOSE HUNTERS- The Tallahassee Democrat
When the wise company president learned that his employees were tanking up on no-trace vodka martinis during their lunch hours, he issued the following memo: To all employees; If you must drink during you lunch hours, please drink whiskey. It is better for our customers to know you're drunk than to think you're stupid.
Some "Sex-Facts" that you may not need to know!
* Male bats have the highest rate of homosexuality of any group of mammals that exist- especially fruit bats. (batty)
* Lions will have sex about 500 times with one mate. This is to ensure fertilization. (any excuse)
* In Texas it is illegal to have sex with a fish, in Florida it is illegal to get a fish drunk, and N. Carolina thought both laws were good so there it is illegal to have sex with a drunk fish.
* Sperm Whales are sexually mature at birth.
* In Argentina, it is rumoured that eating cats is good for your health and stimulates sexual potency.
* You can tell a turtle's sex by its sound. Males grunt, females hiss.
* Human birth control pills work on gorillas.
* The eagle has sex while going up to 60 mph. in flight, and it is common for both eagles to hit the ground before they finish. (out with a bang)
* Apart from humans, certain species of chimpanzee are the only animals to experiment sexually. They have been known to 'wife swap' and indulge in group sex. (brings a whole new meaning to monkeying around)
* According to Dr. David Gems, a British geneticist, sex-craved male mice, who spend 5 to 11 hours per day pursuing female mice, could live years longer if they abstained. ( tell that to bill clinton)
* In the past 60 years, the groundhog has only predicted the weather correctly 28% of the time. The rushing back and forth from burrows is believed to indicate sexual activity, not shadow seeking.
* A certain musical note can sexually excite cats -- the same note when played for kittens makes them want to go to the bathroom.
* If disconnected, the sex organs (or gonads) of an armadillo are still active.
* The ten-inch Banana Slugs of the Northwest end their 30 hour hermaphroditic mating session by chewing off each other's male sex organs. (banana bobit)
* Mosquitoes perform a sex act that lasts only 2 seconds. (some women have met a man like this)
* The largest living animal, the blue whale, naturally enough also has the largest penis, measuring approximately 10 feet long and 1 foot in diameter. It's cousin, the sperm whale, gets as big as 9 feet. And
yes, the sperm whale is so named because early sailors thought those gallons of white, gooey oil found in its head was indeed sperm. (met one or two sperm women)
* Long a symbol of sexual potency, the rhinoceros can ejaculate ten times or more during his half hour session with a female. They also have penises that are 2 feet long. (what did you expect with a horn like that)
* Though barnacles can't move, they still mate via an extraordinarily long penis (150% their body length) that reaches over and into the female's mantle cavity.
* Female chimpanzees have been observed masturbating with their fingers, twigs and a water faucet. (stay out of the water)
* A drone honeybee will wait his whole life for one chance to mate with a queen. As soon as the queen opens her sting chamber to receive him, he explodes, his genitals bursting forth like a detonating grenade. Plugged, the queen flies away, leaving the drone to fall to the ground dead and eviscerated, albeit with a smile on his face.
* Fleas are known to engage in sex immediately after feasting on rabbit's blood specifically if the opportunity presents itself.
* Gorilla penises are only a third of that of an average man's.
* Humans aren't the only female animals that can experience orgasm; some rabbits and ferrets do as well. (how do they find this out)
* A whale's penis is called a dork, which incidentally, is where we get the derogatory slang.
* Porpoises have been known to engage in group sex. (they do it on porpoise)
* Pigs do indeed have a corkscrew-shaped penis. When engaged in sex, the male's penis will make semi-rotary actions until it becomes firmly secured in the folds of the female's cervix at which point the male ejaculates, a process which in itself takes as long as 30 minutes. (is why they call it a screw)
* Female baboons have been known to engage in a primitive form of prostitution by stealing food during sex.
* The average mink sexual encounter lasts for several hours (how do you think they get their coats so shiny?)
* 22.75 hours is the current record for the longest rattlesnake mating session.
* The female bedbug is born without any external sex organs. So the male bedbug has to drill his pointed penis to drill a hole into her partner's gut and deposit his sperm into her bloodstream. During long spells without access to human blood, the female's been known to dine on her male partner's semen. (go on drill her)
* Capuchin monkeys usually say hello by showing each other their erections.
* Perhaps the originator of the "quickie," a baboon engages in a typical sex session that lasts all of 15 seconds.
"A thirty year old blues record by Mick Jagger and John Lennon is going on the auction block... 'Too Many Crooks' with Rolling Stones frontman Jagger on vocals and ex Beatle Lennon on guitar... " (LAD/1/20)
Next to a cut of Keith Richards and Yoko Ono doing an accordion polka classic.
What do astronauts piss out of? Shuttlecocks.
Are fishermen generous? No, their occupation makes them sell fish.
What do you call a freshly waxed and shaven snizz? A vaSHINEa.
What do snake charmers wear around their necks? Boa ties.
Things it takes most of us 50 years to learn:
1. The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it.
2. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight-saving time.
3. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
4. The most powerful force in the universe is: gossip.
5. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.
6. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is: age 11.
7. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
8. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
9. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
10. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
11. If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and he decides to deliver a message to humanity, he will NOT use as his messenger a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle or in some cases, really bad make-up too.
12. You should not confuse your career with your life.
13. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter/janitor, is not a nice person.
14. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
15. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
16. Your true friends love you, anyway.
17. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
The young immigrant couple had just left the courthouse after being sworn in as American citizens. "It is wonderful," the husband exclaimed. "We are American citizens at last! Do you know what this means to us my dear wife?" "Yes, you male chauvinist pig," his wife replied. "Tonight, you cook dinner and I get on top!"
When the well-molded secretary entered her boss' office one morning, he looked out the window and announced idly, "It's certainly going to be a beautiful day." "I don't think so," replied the secretary. "The weather forecast is for snow.""It's not going to snow," contradicted the exec. "I'll lay you twelve to one." "I'd rather not," she remarked.
"That's my lunch hour."
You know you've lost your status of "Cool" when:
- You find yourself listening to talk radio.
- You daughter says she got pierced and you look at her ears.
- The pattern on your shorts and couch match.
- You fondly remember your powder blue leisure suit.
- Your wife buys a flannel nighty and you find that sexy.
- You think "Tragically Hip" is when a middle-aged man gets a new sports car, hair piece and a 20 year old girlfriend.
- You criticize the kids of today for their satanic suicide-inducing music, forgetting that you rocked to Alice
Cooper and Black Sabbath.
- You call the police on a noisy party next door instead of grabbing beer and joining them.
- You turn down free tickets to a rock concert because you have to work the next day.
- When grass is something that you cut, not cultivate.
- When jogging is something you do to your memory.
- Rocking all night means dozing off in your rocking chair.
- Sex becomes "all that foolishness."
- Getting a little action means your prune juice is working.
- All the cars behind you turn on their headlights.
- You bought your first car for the same price you paid for your son's new running shoes.
- You actually ASK for your father's advice.
I am firmly convinced that AM stands for Absolute Moron. I don’t think I have to tell you what FM stands for.
Eve was the only woman who ever took a man's side.
What do the vacuum "Dirt Devil" and Viagra have in common? They both put the power of an upright in the palm of your hand.
New Delhi, India - Hinjew leaders today conceded the merger of Hinduism and Judaism has not worked out as planned. Instead of forming a super-religion to fight off the common Islamic enemy, they have instead created a race of 900 million people who, no matter how many times they are reincarnated, can never please their mothers.
Every morning Custer rode through the Indian Reservation on his horse accompanied by his faithful
Indian scout. And every morning as he rode past the Indian chief he was greeted with the gesture of first a finger raised vertically - then the finger thrust horizontally. Eventually Custer said to his scout "I know what the chief means by the vertical finger, but what's the significance of the horizontal one?". The scout replied "Chief, him no like your horse either!
Going to shul doesn't make you a good Jew any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Scary stuff! Samuel Greenbaum, 58, one of five ‘mohels’ in the Detroit area, was charged with DUI (Driving Under Intoxication) after being stopped on June 18 on his way to perform his craft on a boy in West Bloomfield Township. He told police he was en route from another circumcision, at which he might have had a couple of glasses of wine, but felt (despite failing a Breathalyzer test) that he was alert enough to wield the scalpel-like instrument.
There is a story about a popular young rabbi, who on Sabbath eve announces to the congregation that he will not renew his contract and is moving on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush. No one wants him to leave. Epstein, who owns several car dealerships, stands up and announces, "If the rabbi stays, I'll provide him with a new sedan every year, and his lovely wife with a mini van, to transport their children!" The congregation sighs, and applauds. Goldstein, the entrepreneur and investor stands and says, "If the rabbi stays, I'll double his salary, and establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of his children!!" More sighs and applause. Mrs. Goldfarb, aged 70, stands and announces, "If the rabbi stays, I'll give him SEX!!" There is a hush. The rabbi, blushing, asks, "Mrs. Goldfarb, whatever possessed you to say that?" Mrs. Goldfarb answers, "I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'Fuck the rabbi.'"
Sometime in the 1970s a shipment of meat arrives in a town in the Soviet Union. The townspeople line up at the town store to wait to be given their rations. After about an hour, a man comes out of the store and announces, "Comrades, I'm sorry to tell you, but there isn't enough meat for everyone, so the Jews have to leave." The Jews in the line leave grumbling. About an hour later, the man comes out of the store and announces, "Comrades, I'm sorry to tell you this, but there isn't enough meat for everyone, so anyone who is not a member of the Communist party will have to leave." More grumbling as the non-Party members depart. Another hour goes by and the man comes out of the store again and announces, "Comrades, I'm sorry to tell you this, but there isn't enough meat for everyone in the line, so anyone who wasn't a member of the Party before 1956 has to leave." More grumbling as all the younger Party members leave. A few old people remain in the line. Another hour goes by. It's now getting dark and it's cold. The same man comes out of the store and announces, "Comrades, I'm sorry to tell you this, but there isn't any meat. Go home." One old lady in the line turns to her neighbor and says, "See? It's like I told you. The Jews always get the best treatment!"
In ancient Greece, Socrates was reputed to hold knowledge in high esteem. One day an acquaintance met the great philosopher and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about your friend?" "Hold on a minute," Socrates replied. "Before telling me anything I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test." "Triple filter?" "That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my friend, it might be a good idea to take a moment and filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and..." "All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my friend something good?" "No, on the contrary..." "So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, but you're not certain it's true. You may still pass the test though, because there's one filter left: the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my friend going to be useful to me?" "No, not really." "Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?" This is why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. It also explains why he never found out his best friend was boinking his wife.
"Dad," said Little Johnny, "I'm late for football practice. Would you please do my homework for me?" The father said irately, "Son, it just wouldn't be right." "That's okay," replied Little Johnny, "but you could at least give it a try, couldn't
you?"
One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people!
A college kid called up his mom and asked her for more money. She said, "Sure, sweetie. I’ll send you some money. You also left your calculus book here when you visited two weeks ago. Do you want me to send that up too?" "Uhh, oh yeah, okay," responded the kid. So his mom wrapped the book along with the cheques up in a package and went to the post office to mail the money and the book. When she gets back, her husband asked, "Well how much did you give the boy this time?" She said, "Oh, I wrote 2 cheques, one for $20 and the other for $1000 out to him." "That's $1020!" yelled her husband. Are you crazy?" "Don't worry, honey," she said. "I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1000 one somewhere between the pages in chapter 19!"
My dog’s worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That's almost $7.00 in dog money.
An expert on whales was telling friends about some of the unusual findings he had made. "For instance," he said, "some whales can communicate at a distance of 300 miles." "What on earth would one whale say to another 300 miles away?"
asked a sarcastic member of the group. "I'm not absolutely sure," answered the expert, "but it sounds something
like 'Heeeeeeey! Can you hear me nowwww!?!
An old man is talking long-distance to California when all of a sudden he gets cut off. He hollers, "Operator, give me back the party!" She says, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to make the call all over again." He says, "What do you want from my life? Give me back da party." She says, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to place the call again." He says, "Operator, ya know what? Take da telephone and shove it in you-know-where!" And he hangs up. Two days later he opens the door and there are two big, strapping guys standing there who say, "We came to take your telephone out." He says, "Why?" They say, "Because you insulted Operator 28 two days ago. But if you'd like to call up and apologize, we'll leave the telephone here." He says, "Wait a minute, what's da rush, what's da hurry?" He goes to the telephone and dials. "Hello? Get me Operator 28. Hello, Operator 28? Remember me? Two days ago I insulted you? I told you to take da telephone and shove it in you-know-where?" She says, "Yes?" He says, "Well, get ready - they're bringin' it to ya!"
Things to Ponder:
- Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out"
- Who was the first one who thought that the white thing that came from a hen's butt looked edible?
- Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
- Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
- If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
- Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
- If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
- Why do people point to their wrist for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
- Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway ???
- Why does goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
- What do you call male ballerinas?
- Why ARE Trix only for kids?
- If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
- If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
- If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
- If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
I was driving to the office one morning, when I got a phone call from my boss. "You've been promoted" he said, and I was so surprised that I swerved. A few minutes later, I got another call. "You've been given a raise". I was so excited that I swerved again. Later I got a third call. "You've been made CEO". And I swerved again and ran into a tree. As I was waiting there, I saw a policeman. "what happened?" he asked. "I careered off the road..."
The average woman consumes 6 lbs of lipstick in her lifetime.
There once was a man from down under
When he fucked it sounded like thunder
He said "Hey there Mate!
Why masturbate?
Oh! Look at your dick, it's no wonder!"
FOOTBALL MOVES IN SEX
Hike = Up the rear
Reverse = 69Sack = Girl takes control and gets frisky
2pt. conversion = multiple orgasms
Prevent Defense = Condom/protection
Face Mask = guy pulls girl head down to blow him
Shotgun = Touchdown in a car
Two minute warning = Guy gives the girl a warning before he blows his load.
Holding = Cuddling
Superbowl = Wedding or Prom night
Huddle = Multiple participants
Madden '99 = Cyber sex
Instant replay = When you tape the two of you having sex Illegal
Use of the hands = Masturbation
Ball Hog = Slut
Onside Kick = Making up after a fight
Double Header = Two mates in the same night
Tight End = Virgin
Wide Receiver = Girl that's loose
False Start = Guy/Girl gets shut down (denied)
Pass Interference = Some stupid kid interrupts before you can get some
Fumble = cheating (problem in the relationship)
Putting it through the uprights = self explanatory
Special Teams = Prostitute/Gigolo
Unsportsmanlike Conduct = Bragging to your friends about your activities
Double Coverage = Two condoms
A Hunter walking through the jungle found a huge dead dinosaur with a pigmy standing beside it. Amazed, he asked: "Did you kill that?". The pigmy said "Yes ."The hunter asked "How could a little bloke like you kill a huge beast like that?" said the pigmy: "I killed it with my club." The astonished hunter asked: "How big is your club?" The pigmy replied: "There's about 60 of us."
PICK UP LINES THAT MAY GET YOU KILLED
8. Fuck me if I'm wrong, but is your name Yolanda?
7. I love every bone in your body - especially mine.
6. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
5. Hey baby, what's your sign? Caution, slippery when wet, dangerous curves ahead, yield?
4. I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this motel room.
3. Wanna play Pearl Harbor?....It's a game where I lay back while you blow the hell out of me.
2. Your body's name must be Visa, because it's everywhere I want to be.
1. Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
Sunday school teacher asks a girl in his confirmation class, "Who made you, little girl?" She says, "Originally or recently?"
Why are proctologists constantly so gloomy? They always have the end in sight.
"Almost" is the longest word in the English language with all the letters in alphabetical order.
Morris the agent of a beautiful actress discovered one day that the actress had been selling her body for 100 dollars a night. The agent, who had long lusted after her, hadn't dreamed that she had been so easily obtainable. He approached her, told her how much she turned him on, and how much he wanted to make it with her. She agreed to spend the night with him but said that he would have to pay her the same 100 dollars that the other customers did. He scratched his head, considered it, and then Morris asked, "Don't I even get my agent's 10% as a deduction?" "No, siree," she said. "If you want it, you're going to have to pay full price for it just like the other Johns." Morris the agent didn't like that at all, but he agreed. That night, she came to his apartment after her performance at a local nightclub. The agent made love to her at midnight, after turning out all the lights. At 1:00 am, she was awakened again. And again, she was vigorously done. In a little while, she was awakened again, and again she was made love to again. The actress was impressed with her lover's vitality. "My goodness Morris," she whispered in the dark, "you are so virile. I never realized how lucky I was to have you for my agent." "I'm not your Morris, lady," a strange voice answered. "Morris is at the door selling tickets."
Thought you would like to know that they have finally released the ingredients in the newest Viagra: 3% - Vitamin E, 2% - Aspirin, 2% - Ibuprofen, 1% - Vitamin C, 5% - Spray Starch, 87% - Fix-a-Flat.
There once was a wonderful wizard
Who had a great pain in his gizzard
So he ate wind and snow
At 50 below
And farted a forty-day blizzard.
A physician prescribes suppositories for a gay guy’s hemorrhoids, but when it comes time to use them the young man is afraid he will do it wrong. So he goes into the bathroom and bends over and looks through his legs into the mirror to line up the target. All of a sudden, his penis becomes stiff, blocking his view. "Oh, stop it," the young man scolds his organ, "it's only me."
I've always wondered why, after listening to and seeing all of the Keebler commercials, just why there are never any female elves pictured. Then it came to me: They're all fudge-packers.
A local bean farmer was blessed with a wonderful crop this fall. In fact he had so many beans, he needed to unload them somehow. With all the hoopla about the upcoming Super Bowl, he decided that would be a good venue to reach more people. With this in mind he went to the local TV station to speak with the advertising manager. The farmer said, "I would like to purchase a minute or two during the Super Bowl to advertise my wonderful beans. I have such a bountiful crop of beans of all kinds; pinto beans, lima beans, navy beans, red beans..." The sales manager said, "Okay, okay, I get the message. And what would you be able to pay for this amount of prime advertising time?" The farmer scratched his beard, looked off, then said, very solemnly, "I'd be willing to go as high as $300 to reach those folks." "$300!" the manager yelled, "You must be out of your mind! The current sponsors pay through the nose to get the exposure of the Super Bowl! The makers of Kotex pay MILLIONS of dollars to reach the audience!" The farmer very evenly replied, "I'm sure that's right. But those people are out for blood. I'm just farting around."
The following is a somewhat prescient article that appeared in The Onion, a satiric news-ezine (www.theonion.com) on January 18, 2001, headlined “Bush; ‘Our Long National Nightmare Of Peace and Prosperity Is Finally Over’”
WASHINGTON, DC—Mere days from assuming the presidency and closing the door on eight years of Bill Clinton, president-elect George W. Bush assured the nation in a televised address Tuesday that "our long national nightmare of peace and prosperity is finally over."
"My fellow Americans," Bush said, "at long last, we have reached the end of the dark period in American history that will come to be known as the Clinton Era, eight long years characterized by unprecedented economic expansion, a sharp decrease in crime, and sustained peace overseas. The time has come to put all of that behind us." Bush swore to do "everything in [his] power" to undo the damage wrought by Clinton's two terms in office, including selling off the national parks to developers, going into massive debt to develop expensive and impractical weapons technologies, and passing sweeping budget cuts that drive the mentally ill out of hospitals and onto the street. During the 40-minute speech, Bush also promised to bring an end to the severe war drought that plagued the nation under Clinton, assuring citizens that the U.S. will engage in at least one Gulf War-level armed conflict in the next four years. "You better believe we're going to mix it up with somebody at some point during my administration," said Bush, who plans a 250 percent boost in military spending. "Unlike my predecessor, I am fully committed to putting soldiers in battle situations. Otherwise, what is the point of even having a military?"
On the economic side, Bush vowed to bring back economic stagnation by implementing substantial tax cuts, which would lead to a recession, which would necessitate a tax hike, which would lead to a drop in consumer spending, which would lead to layoffs, which would deepen the recession even further. Wall Street responded strongly to the Bush speech, with the Dow Jones industrial fluctuating wildly before closing at an 18-month low. The NASDAQ composite index, rattled by a gloomy outlook for tech stocks in 2001, also fell sharply, losing 4.4 percent of its total value between 3 p.m. and the closing bell. Asked for comment about the cooling technology sector, Bush said: "That's hardly my area of expertise."
Turning to the subject of the environment, Bush said he will do whatever it takes to undo the tremendous damage not done by the Clinton Administration to the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge. He assured citizens that he will follow through on his campaign promise to open the 1.5 million acre refuge's coastal plain to oil drilling. As a sign of his commitment to bringing about a change in the environment, he pointed to his choice of Gale Norton for Secretary of the Interior. Norton, Bush noted, has "extensive experience" fighting environmental causes, working as a lobbyist for lead-paint manufacturers and as an attorney for loggers and miners, in addition to suing the EPA to overturn clean-air standards.
Bush had equally high praise for Attorney General nominee John Ashcroft, whom he praised as "a tireless champion in the battle to protect a woman's right to give birth." "Soon, with John Ashcroft's help, we will move out of the Dark Ages and into a more enlightened time when a woman will be free to think long and hard before trying to fight her way past throngs of protesters blocking her entrance to an abortion clinic," Bush said. "We as a nation can look forward to lots and lots of babies." Continued Bush: "John Ashcroft will be invaluable in healing the terrible wedge President Clinton drove between church and state."
The speech was met with overwhelming approval from Republican leaders. "Finally, the horrific misrule of the Democrats has been brought to a close," House Majority Leader Dennis Hastert (R-IL) told reporters. "Under Bush, we can all look forward to military aggression, deregulation of dangerous, greedy industries, and the defunding of vital domestic social-service programs upon which millions depend. Mercifully, we can now say goodbye to the awful nightmare that was Clinton's America." "For years, I tirelessly preached the message that Clinton must be stopped," conservative talk-radio host Rush Limbaugh said. "And yet, in 1996, the American public failed to heed my urgent warnings, re-electing Clinton despite the fact that the nation was prosperous and at peace under his regime. But now, thank God, that's all done with. Once again, we will enjoy mounting debt, jingoism, nuclear paranoia, mass deficit, and a massive military build-up."
An overwhelming 49.9 percent of Americans responded enthusiastically to the Bush speech. "After eight years of relatively sane fiscal policy under the Democrats, we have reached a point where, just a few weeks ago, President Clinton said that the national debt could be paid off by as early as 2012," Rahway, NJ, machinist and father of three Bud Crandall said. "That's not the kind of world I want my children to grow up in." "You have no idea what it's like to be black and enfranchised," said Marlon Hastings, one of thousands of Miami-Dade County residents whose votes were not counted in the 2000 presidential election. "George W. Bush understands the pain of enfranchisement, and ever since Election Day, he has fought tirelessly to make sure it never happens to my people again."
Bush concluded his speech on a note of healing and redemption. "We as a people must stand united, banding together to tear this nation in two," Bush said. "Much work lies ahead of us: The gap between the rich and the poor may be wide, be there's much more widening left to do. We must squander our nation's hard-won budget surplus on tax breaks for the wealthiest 15 percent. And, on the foreign front, we must find an enemy and defeat it." "The insanity is over," Bush said. "After a long, dark night of peace and stability, the sun is finally rising again over America. We look forward to a bright new dawn not seen since the glory days of my dad."
In a similar vein: ‘If You're Happy and You Know It Bomb Iraq’ by John Robbins
If you cannot find Osama, bomb Iraq. If the markets are a drama, bomb Iraq. If the terrorists are frisky, Pakistanis looking shifty, North Koreans too risky, Bomb Iraq. If we have no allies with us, bomb Iraq. If we think that someone's dissed us, bomb Iraq. So to hell with the inspections, Let's look tough for the elections, Close your mind and take directions, Bomb Iraq.
It's pre-emptive non-aggression, bomb Iraq. To prevent this mass destruction, bomb Iraq. They've got weapons we can't see, And that's all the proof we need, If they're not there, they must be there, Bomb Iraq. If you never were elected, bomb Iraq. If your mood is quite dejected, bomb Iraq. If you think Saddam's gone mad, With the weapons that he had, And he tried to kill your dad, Bomb Iraq. If corporate fraud is growin', bomb Iraq. If your ties to it are showin', bomb Iraq. If your politics are sleazy, And hiding that ain't easy, And your manhood's gettin' queasy, Bomb Iraq. Fall in line and follow orders, bomb Iraq. For our might knows not our borders, bomb Iraq.
Disagree? We'll call it treason, Let's make war not love this season, Even if we have no reason, Bomb Iraq.
On average, one inch of rain is equivalent to 10 inches of snow.
When Kleenex was first introduced to the market in 1924, it was marketed as a make up or cold cream remover.
It took Henry Stanley, a Welsh American, 8 months to find the Scottish explorer Dr David Livingstone in the African jungle before he could utter the immortal words "Dr Livingstone, I presume?".
Montreal has an underground city, which has over 2,000 shops and 26 kilometers of walkways. This is the largest underground network of any city.
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about six years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a police officer?" "Yes," I answered, and continued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?" "Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"
If life is a waste of time,and time is a waste of life,then let's all get wasted togetherand have the time of our lives. (Armand's Pizza, Washington, DC)
God made pot.Man made beer.Who do you trust? (The Irish Times, Washington, DC)
To do is to be. – Rene DescartesTo be is to do. – Jean Paul SartreDo be do be do. - Frank Sinatra (Men's restroom Greasewood Flats, Scottsdale, AZ)
If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? (Men's restroom House of Representatives, Wash., DC)
The investigation of Martha Stewart continues. Her recipe for chicken casserole is quite efficient. First you boil the chicken in water. And then, you dump the stock.
‘I Wish You Enough’
I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright.I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun more.I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive.I wish you enough pain so that the smallest joys in life appear much bigger.I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.I wish you enough "Hello's" to get you through the many "Good-byes."
May you have enough good in your life to remain positive, but enough adversity to truly recognize and appreciate the good and not take it for granted!
Two men were in a hospital intensive care ward in similar condition, in bed, tubes coming out everywhere, machines pinging. After a couple of weeks, one of them had the strength to raise his hand and point to himself and say: "Scottish" The other signaled he had heard, raised his own hand, and said "Irish" This act tired them out so badly it was a week before the first summoned up the strength to say: "Glasgow" Again the second replied in a weedy frail voice "Dublin" Once more, the strain was too much for them both and they passed out. Days passed before the first man managed to again point to himself and say: "Jimmy" Replied the other: "Paddy" A few hours later, Jimmy managed to point to himself again and rasp out weakly: "Cancer" Paddy responded: "Sagittarius".
Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Rafferty. The Father said, "Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer husband 2 years ago?" She replied, "Aye, that ye did, Father." The Father asked, "And be there any wee ones yet?" She replied, "No, not yet, Father." The Father said, "Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer husband." She replied, "Oh, thank ye, Father." They parted ways. Some years later they met again. The Father asked, "Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?" She replied, "Oh, very well, Father!" The Father asked, "And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?" She replied, "Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and four singles, 10 in all!" The Father said, "That's wonderful! And how's yer loving husband doing?" She replied, "He's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle!"
Bud Nelson, from New York; flew to Knock Airport in the west of Ireland on business. As he walked down the stairs from the plane onto the runway he noticed a small Irishman standing beside a long table with an assortment of Human Skulls." What are you doing?" asked the American. "I'm selling skulls", replied the Irishman. "And what skulls do you have?" said Bud. "Well, I have the skulls of the most famous Irishmen that ever lived!" said the Irishman. "That's great!" said Bud. "Give me some names!" "Well!" said the Irishman, pointing to various skulls. "That one there is James Joyce, the famous author and playwright, that one there is St. Brendan, the Navigator, that's Michael Collins the leader of the 1916 rising, and that one there is St. Patrick, the Patron Saint of Ireland...god bless his soul." "Sorry" said Bud, "But did you say St. Patrick?" "That's correct!" said the Irishman. "I have to have that!" said Bud and paid him £50.00 in cash. Bud flew back to New York and mounted his Skull on the wall in his Pub. People came from all over America to view this famous Skull. He made a fortune over a five-year period and retired a very rich man. During his retirement, he decided to go back to visit Ireland, the land that made him a fortune. Bud flew back into Knock airport, and while walking down the stairs saw the same Irishman at the bottom of the stairs. "God", said Bud, "What are you doing?" "I'm selling skulls", replied the Irishman. "And what skulls do you have today?" said Bud. "Well, I have the skulls of the most famous Irishmen that ever lived!" said the Irishman. "That's great!" said Bud. "Give me some names!" "Well!" said the Irishman, pointing to various skulls. "That one there is James Joyce, the famous author and playwright, that one there is St. Brendan, the Navigator, that's Michael Collins the leader of the 1916 rising, and that one there is St. Patrick, the Patron Saint of Ireland...god bless his soul." "Sorry" said Bud, "But did you say St. Patrick?" "That's correct!" said the Irishman. "Well!" said Bud, I was here almost 7 years ago and you sold me a Skull a little bit bigger than that one there, and you told me then that THAT skull was St. Patrick." "Oh yes!" said the Irishman, "I remember you now! You see... This is St. Patrick when he was a boy!"
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady After his Sunday morning service, And she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?" She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night." The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?" She says, "That he did, Father.."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?" She says, "He said, ' Mary, please put down that fookin’ gun...'
These two Irish boys, Paddy and Seamus, are wandering home from a night on the town when Paddy turns to Seamus and says "Seamus, look, it's a long walk home, why don't we steal a bus!?!" "Feck, thats a grand idea, Paddy. Tell you what, I'll nip into the bus depot, and grab us a bus" replies Seamus So off trots Seamus to steal a bus while Paddy stands at the gates of the depot, watching. After 15 minutes he wonders what the feck Seamus is up to. He turns round to see Seamus running to one bus, looking in the window and then running on to the next. "What the feck are you doing Seamus??" yells Paddy "Paddy, I can’t find a route 109" shouts Seamus "You fecking eegit," bellows Paddy "just steal that 108 and we'll get off at the roundabout.
Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day? Regular rocks are too heavy. Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun? Because they're always a little short.Why do leprechauns have pots o'gold? They like to "go" first class! How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time? He's Dublin over with laughter!What's Irish and stays out all night? Patty O'furniture! How did the Irish Jig get started? Too much to drink and not enough restrooms! What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control his wife? A bachelor. Why do frogs like St. Patrick's Day? Because they are always wearing green.
When is an Irish Potato not an Irish Potato? When it’s a FRENCH fry.
And now , some more Francobashing:
"My favorite bumper sticker in Washington D.C. right now is the one that says 'First Iraq, then France'." -Tom Brokaw
War without France would be like ... uh ... World War II.
"We can count on the French to be there when they need us."
“Advert for a French Army rifle on eBay the other day, 'Never shot. Dropped once.'” - Rep. Roy Blunt (MO)
(and now, from the Nuge, an added slight on our Prime Minister and possibly the Montreal Canadiens fans who last night booed the American national anthem);
Only thing worse than a Frenchman is a Frenchman who lives in Canada. -Ted Nugent
President Jacques Chirac announced today that France would be deploying two elite units of French troops to Iraq in the event of war. Five hundred crack troops from the 42nd Groupement d' Instruction en Abandonment (42nd Surrender Instruction Group) are mobilizing toassist the Iraqi Army in the finer points of military surrender. "The immediate capitulation of an armed force is a delicate and intricate tactic in which we French have much experience." said Defense Ministry spokesperson General de Armee Francois-Phillippe Hommes de Petit-Pommes. "There is a certain protocol in laying down your arms or fleeing the battlefield. To wave the white flag while remaining pompous and insufferable requires experience and training. The French Army believes it is second to none in the fine art of surrendering quickly. The record of our armed forces in that area speaks for itself. The Iraqi performance in giving up without a fightduring the last Gulf War was slip-shod. We hope to improve their level of surrender execution for the next war." General Hommes de Petit-Pommes further announced that 1,000 advisors from the Regiment de Collaborateurs Francais will also be dispatched to Iraq to assist the Iraqi people in collaborating effectively with any occupation force.
Today it was reported that a severe earthquake has occurred in central France. The severity was measured in excess of 10 on the Richter Scale. The cause was the 56,681 dead American soldiers buried in French soil rolling over in their graves.
(Miami)--In a move that has significantly altered the political landscape of the Middle East, PLO Chairman Yasser Arafat last Saturday announced his retirement and quickly moved to Miami, Florida. Almost immediately, Arafat claimed 39% of the land owned by Hillel House on the campus of The University of Miami, as well as land occupied by the Moses Mendelssohn Community Retirement Center situated in the trendy South Beach section of the city. Arafat, however, got more than he bargained for when he attempted to occupy the Retirement Center land. His military incursion was met with fierce resistance by members of the South Beach Hadassah who were meeting in the Center at the time. Reports are still sketchy, but it appears that Arafat and his forces sustained serious casualties and had to abandon their attack when elderly Hadassah members hurled Mah Jongg tiles at the Palestinian terrorists. The European Parliament quickly denounced the Hadassah group's inflammatory use of Mah Jongg tiles, and decided to consider a proposal to send peacekeeping troops to Miami Beach to establish "safe zones" for Palestinians. Arafat is going to appear before the General Assembly of the United Nations to urge the passing of Resolution 843, making ALL Jewish settlements in Florida illegal. Hannah Ashwari has been invited by twenty American Universities to discuss the historic right of Palestinians to all the land now held "illegally by the Jews in Florida." She says that the Palestinians have been forced out by the Jews since the 1940s, and the land rightfully belongs to them. She blames the Jews for converting the Florida swamps into settlements, housing developments and malls that have destroyed the historic evidence for Muslim/Palestinian existence in Florida since 1000 BCE, 1600 years before Muhammed.
A Bubbe took her grandson shopping. The department store was very crowded and the Bubbe and the grandson were separated. The little boy started to cry. A saleswomen came over to the child and asked, "Why are you crying, little boy?" "I lost my Bubbe," he said. She took him to the department store office. "What's your name, little boy?" they asked. He answered, "Shayna punim, poo poo poo.”
I once met a beautiful Persian
A shy one who needed coercion
So I gave her a smile
And she thought for a while
Then allowed me to make an insertion.
A city slicker went to the country to buy a pig. When he approached the pig farmer, he asked for a 25-pound pig. The pig farmer put the pig's tail in his mouth and bobbed his head up and down. He then told the city slicker that the pig was too heavy - it was 30 pounds. The city slicker told the farmer he didn't believe that was the way to weigh pigs. The farmer called his son over and asked him to weigh the pig. The son put the pig's tail in his mouth, bobbed his head a couple of times and said the pig weighed 30 pounds. The city slicker said the farmer and his son were putting him on. The farmer told his son to go get his mother and have her come out and weigh the pig. The son went into the house and after a few minutes came out telling the father that the mother was busy weighing the mailman.
Just in time for summer:
RULES OF SUMMER FOR MEN: What men can and cannot wear at a private pool.
Speedos cannot be worn by men under the following conditions:
A) If when you look down, you can't see the color of your Speedo, you probably should not be wearing one. No matter
how manly your chest may be, if your belly exceeds your chest, it is not arousing to women to see your skimpy bathing suit.
B) If your belly hangs down over the top of the Speedo, you should not be wearing one. No, women are not impressed that you can do finger acrobatics tying up your Speedo with only one hand, as the other hand is being used to lift up the fold of skin of your belly hanging mercilessly down over the topof your Speedo.
C) If you have one of those penises that kind of stick straight out as opposed to hang down, you should not be wearing one. No, women do not get turned on by 1and a 1/2 inches of pure male passion raging from your loins.
D) If you have a butt that is larger than most lawn chairs, skip the Speedo.
E) If you are the type of guy who gets aroused when you see a woman in less than an overcoat and/or if there is a gentle breeze, you should not be wearing one. Teepees are for Indian reservations and not for the pool thank you very much.
F) If you cannot wear a Speedo, and are wearing short type bathing suits, please for the sake of all humankind, wear one with an inner shell. There is nothing sexier than seeing your boys hanging down as you sit in that position that only a man can do so gracelessly, but it is impolite to be the cause of so many women getting so horny at midday, so keep your
boys hidden.
G) No thongs under any circumstances.
H) If you wear sandals, do not wear white knee socks.
RULES OF SUMMER FOR THE WOMEN: What women can and cannot wear at a private pool.
A) Thongs are encouraged...however only if certain conditions are met.
B) There must be a direct correlation to the amount of total square inches of skin, to the total amount of square inches of
bathing suit. In other words, if you are any larger than a mini van, a string bikini should be frowned upon.
C) Thongs (or ass floss as they have been come to be known in pool and beach circles) should be worn as long as there is not more cellulite on your buttocks than in one of Mel Gibson's Epic type movies.
D) Women with near perfect figures, cannot wear one piece bathing suits... plain and simple. Damn, I know it's a sexist
world, but it's the world that we live in.
E) Curlers are strictly verboten.
I went to the racetrack and bet on a horse that was so good that it took seven others to beat him! How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manual" A collector of rare books ran into an acquaintance who told him he had just thrown away an old Bible that he found in a dusty, old box. He happened to mention that Guten-somebody-or-other had printed it."Not Gutenberg?" gasped the collector. "Yes, that was it!" "You goober! You've thrown away one of the first books ever printed. A copy recently sold at auction for half a million dollars!" "Oh, I don't think this book would have been worth anything close to that much," replied the man."It was scribbled all over in the margins by some clown named Martin Luther." When the moon hits your eye,Like a big pizza pie,That's amoré. When an eel bites your hand,And that's not what you planned,That's a moray. When our habits are strange,And our customs deranged,That's our mores. When your horse munches straw,And the bales total four,That's some more hay. When Othello's poor wife, Becomes stabbed with a knife,That's a Moor, eh? When a Japanese knight,Uses his sword in a fight,That's Samurai. When your sheep go to graze,In a damp marshy place,That's a moor, eh? When your boat comes home fine,And you tie up her line,That's a moor, eh? When you ace your last tests,Like you did all the rest,That's some more "A"s! When on Mt. Cook you see,An aborigine,That's a Maori. Alley Oop's homeland has,A space gun with pizzazz, That's a Moo ray... A comedian ham,With the name Amsterdam,That's a Morey. When your chocolate graham,Is with marshmallows crammed,That s'more, eh. When you've had quite enough,Of this dumb rhyming stuff,That's ‘No more!’, eh? A very dirty little fellow came in from playing in the yard and asked his mother, "Who am I?" Ready to play the game she said, "I don't know! Who are you?" "WOW!" cried the child. "Mrs. Johnson was right! She said I was so dirty, my own mother wouldn't recognize me!" THE AXIS PANDEMIC by John Cleese Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the "Axis of Evil," Libya, China, and Syria today announced they had formed the "Axis of Just as Evil," which they said would be more evil than that stupid Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis President Bush warned of in his State of the Union address. Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the new axis as having, for starters, a really dumb name. "Right. They are Just as Evil... in their dreams!" declared North Korean leader Kim Jong-il. "Everybody knows we're the best evils... best at being evil... we're the best." Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being excluded, although they conceded they did ask if they could join the Axis of Evil. "They told us it was full," said Syrian President Bashar al-Assad. "An Axis can't have more than three countries," explained Iraqi President Saddam Hussein. "This is not my rule, it's tradition. In World War II you had Germany, Italy, and Japan in the evil Axis. So you can only have three, and a secret handshake. Ours is wicked cool." International reaction to Bush's Axis of Evil declaration was swift, as within minutes, France surrendered. Elsewhere, peer-conscious nations rushed to gain triumvirate status in what became a game of geopolitical chairs. Cuba, Sudan, and Serbia said they had formed the Axis of Somewhat Evil, forcing Somalia to join with Uganda and Myanmar in the Axis of Occasionally Evil, while Bulgaria, Indonesia and Russia established the Axis of Not So Much Evil Really As Just Generally Disagreeable. With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable clubs filling up, Sierra Leone, El Salvador, and Rwanda applied to be called the Axis of Countries That Aren't the Worst But Certainly Won't Be Asked to Host the Olympics; Canada, Mexico, and Australia formed the Axis of Nations That Are Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have Nasty Thoughts About America, while Spain, Scotland, and New Zealand established the Axis of Countries That Be Allowed to Ask Sheep to Wear Lipstick."That's not a threat, really, just something we like to do," said Scottish Executive First Minister Jack McConnell. While wondering if the other nations of the world weren't perhaps making fun of him, a cautious Bush granted approval for most axes, although he rejected the establishment of the Axis of Countries Whose Names End in "Guay," accusing one of its members of filing a false application. Officials from Paraguay, Uruguay, and Chadguay denied the charges. Israel, meanwhile, insisted it didn't want to join any Axis, but privately, world leaders said that's only because no one asked them. In order to meet the conditions for joining the Single European currency, all citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland must be made aware that the euphemism "Spending a Penny" (going to the WC) is not to be used after 31st December 2002. From this date, the correct terminology will be: " Euronating". The Swiss Family Robinson tree house in Disneyland has 300,000 fake leaves on it, which are changed twice a year to reflect the seasons. A lovely young lady at seaComplained that it hurt her to pee.Said the burly First Mate:"That accounts for the fateOf the cook and the captain and me." A woman had a wedding to go to, and needed a wedding gift. "Aha," she thought, "I have that monogrammed silver tray from my wedding that I never use. I'll just take it to a silversmith and have him remove my monogram and put hers on it. Voila, one cheap wedding present." So, she took it to the silversmith and asked him to remove her monogram and put the new one on. The silversmith took a look at the tray, shook his head and said, "Lady, this can only be done so many times!" This blond got married on Ash Wednesday On the first day of their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy but sweet nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find that her new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch. When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, "Because it's Lent."
Almost in tears, she remarked, "Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard! Who did you lend it to and for
how long?" A man was chosen for jury duty who very much wanted to be dismissed from serving. He tried every excuse he could think of but none of them worked. On the day of the trial he decided to give it one more shot. As the trial was about to begin he asked if he could approach the bench. "Your Honor," he said, "I must be excused from this trial because I am prejudiced against the defendant. I took one look at the man in the blue suit with those beady eyes and that dishonest face and I said, 'He's a crook! He's guilty, guilty, guilty.' So your Honor, I could not possibly stay on this jury!"With a tired annoyance the judge replied, "Get back in the jury box. That man is his lawyer." A visiting Scotsman and his Canadian cousin were hunting for deer in northern Ontario, when all of a sudden, a moose popped up in front of them. It was so unexpected, neither of them had a chance to fire. The Scotsman was really shaken. "Hoot mon, wit in blazes was that?!" "That was a moose," the Canadian replied. "D’ye ken what yer saying, lad?! If that was a moose, I dinna want to see yer RATS!" Have you noticed anything fishy about the inspection teams who have arrived in Iraq? They're all men! How in the name of the United Nations does anyone expect men to find Saddam's stash? We all know that men have a blind spot when it comes to finding things. For crying' out loud! Men can't find the dirty clothes hamper. Men can't find the jar of jelly until it falls out of the cupboard and splatters on the floor.... and these are the people we have sent into Iraq to search for hidden weapons of mass destruction? I keep wondering why groups of mothers weren't sent in. Mothers can sniff out secrets quicker than a drug dog can find a gram of dope. Mothers can find gin bottles that dads have stashed in the attic beneath the rafters. They can sniff out a diary two rooms and one floor away. They can tell when the lid of a cookie jar has been disturbed and notice when a quarter inch slice has been shaved off a chocolate cake. A mother can smell alcohol on your breath before you get your key in the front door and can smell cigarette smoke from a block away. By examining laundry, a mother knows more about her kids than Sherlock Holmes. And if a mother wants an answer to a question, she can read an offender's eyes quicker than a homicide detective. So... considering the value a mother could bring to an inspection team, why are we sending a bunch of old men who will rely on electronic equipment to scout out hidden threats? My mother would walk in with a wooden soup spoon in one hand, grab Saddam by the ear, give it a good twist, and snap, "Young man, do you have any weapons of mass destruction?" And God help him if he tried to lie to her. She'd march him down the street to some secret bunker and shove his nose into a nuclear bomb and say, "Uh, huh, and what do you call this, mister?" Whap! Thump! Whap! Whap! Whap! And she'd lay some stripes across his bare bottom with that soup spoon, then march him home in front of the whole of Baghdad. He'd not only come clean and apologize for lying about it, he'd cut every lawn in Baghdad for free for the whole summer. Inspectors, my eye! You want the job done? Call my mother.
"I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car." -- Steven WrightA couple of oldenneh goldennehsAn old man had a dog who died. He went to see his Rabbi and asked if he would arrange to say Kaddish for the dog. The rabbi said, "Kaddish is only for humans, not for animals. However", "there's a new Reform congregation down the street a block or two. You go there and ask if they'll say Kaddish for the dog; they may just be meshugenna enough to do this for you. The old man thanked him, and said, "Do you suppose they'll also accept my $75,000 donation in memory of my little Moishe?" "Wait a minute," said the rabbi, "You didn't tell me your dog was Jewish!". An elderly Jewish man in a London hotel calls the operator and asks, in broken English with a heavy Yiddish accent for number 266419. Shortly afterwards there is a knock on his door. He opens it to find two beautiful and sexy girls outside who ask him, "Are you the guy who ordered 2 shikses for one night?" THE RULES OF CHOCOLATE- If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly. - Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want. - The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot. - Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite, and you'll eat less. - If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves. - If you eat equal amounts of dark and white chocolate, it’s a balanced diet. They actually counteract each other. - Money talks. Chocolate sings. Beautifully. - Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger. Therefore, you need to eat more chocolate. - Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done. - A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Now, isn't that handy? - If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat it all, what's wrong with you? - If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose, lycra, and girdles. An entire garment industry would be devastated. You can't let that happen, can you? Do your part to help the economy. Eat lots of chocolate! Marriage is a mutual relationship, which works best when both parties know when to be mute. A couple of luckless fellows, Stuttering Stan and Short Leg Joe are lamenting their difficulties. Joe complains about the difficulties he has walking with his uneven legs. "I-I-I h-h-have a s-solution," said Stuttering Stan. "When, when you, are w-walking, walk w-with your short right f-f-foot up on the curb, and your left foot down in the r-roadway." Short Leg Joe tried it, and it work beautifully. He was overjoyed. That is until a #13 bus came along and knocked him over. When Stuttering Stan visited Short Leg Joe in hospital, Short Leg Joe said, "You know something, Stan, since I've been lying here I came up with a brilliant idea to stop you from stuttering." Stan was pleased, "W-what i-is it Joe?" "From now on, just keep your bloody mouth shut!" Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, that they don't recognize you. If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old. I sure don't know how I got over the hill without ever getting to the top? Stu and Lou were rival deejays not just on the air but for the attention of the radio station's hot secretary. Finally one day, she agreed to screw them both but a fight soon ensued over who would go first. "Listen," said the gal, "I'll take each you individually into the music library and get you warmed up. Then I'm gonna stack records on your peckers and who ever can hold the most get first." Stu and the babe disappeared into the music library and a few minutes later emerged. "Ya ho! 56 records" bragged Stu. Then it was Lou's turn who, in short order returned claiming victory by shouting "57!" "Wait," interrupted the girl, "I think I'd like Stu to go first." "No fair," cried Lou, "I stacked 57 records on mine and Stu only did 56." "I know," replied the gal, "but his were 45's and yours were Lp's" Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him." I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider. One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob: "If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts." What's the five-day forecast for Baghdad? Two days.
What do Miss Muffet and Saddam Hussein have in common? They both have Kurds in their way.
What is the best Iraqi job? Foreign ambassador.
What is Iraq's national bird? Duck.
At a diner, I was standing in line to pay my bill behind two women who handed the young waitress a credit card. After swiping the card, she loudly called out to her manager, "Mr. Allen, what do I do if it says 'reject'?" As the women's faces reddened and customers turned to look, Mr. Allen, also the cook, calmly walked out from the kitchen. "Well," he answered, the first thing you do is shout it out loud enough to embarrass the customer, who might have been thinking about leaving you a tip." There was once a man from the city who was visiting a small farm, and during this visit he saw a farmer feeding pigs in a most extraordinary manner. The farmer would lift a pig up to a nearby apple tree, and the pig would eat the apples off the tree directly. The farmer would move the pig from one apple to another until the pig was satisfied, then he would start again with another pig. The city man watched this activity for some time with great astonishment. Finally, he could not resist saying to the farmer, "This is the most inefficient method of feeding pigs that I can imagine. Just think of the time that would be saved if you simply shook the apples off the tree and let the pigs eat them from the ground!" The farmer looked puzzled and replied, "What's time to a pig?" A parish priest was being honored at a dinner on the twenty-fifth anniversary of his arrival in that parish. A leading local politician, who was a member of the congregation, was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner, but he was delayed in traffic, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited. "You will understand," he said, "the seal of the confessional, can never be broken. However, I got my first impressions of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I can only hint vaguely about this, but when I came here twenty-five years ago I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first chap who entered my confessional told me how he had stolen a television set, and when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. Further, he told me he had embezzled money from his place of business and had an affair with his boss's wife. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that, and I had, indeed come to, a fine parish full of understanding and loving people." Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his talk. "I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived in this parish," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honour of being the first one to go to him in confession."
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo! I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled. "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing! He calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had! We enter this world cold, wet and hungry. Things can only get better.
Become an amateur gynecologist. Look up a friend today.
Did you hear about the old man who gave his pet snake viagra? He's using him as a walking stick now.
There are 350 varieties of shark, not counting loan and pool.
You can go a long way with a smile. You can go a lot farther with a smile and a gun.
There once was a young girl named Charlotte
Who made extra cash as a harlot
She screwed a producer
Who tried to seduce her
And now she’s a Hollywood Starlet! You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, and Germany doesn't want to go to war. Fishing is not a good way to relax if you’re the worm. After finding Johnnie cheated on a test, the teacher lower his mark and asked, “How do you feel now?” He replied “Degraded!” I couldn’t figure out why my new printer kept printing out ,”Like totally awesome” on every page, but then I found out it was assembled by a Silicon Valley girl.
A business man was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to hospital. When he awoke from surgery the surgeon said, "I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that I had to remove your right arm!" "The good news, I was able to replace it, but with a woman's arm!" "As long as I can play golf again." Six months later the business man was out on the golf course and he bumped into the surgeon who operated on him. "Hi, how's the arm?" asks the surgeon. "Great" says the business man. "My golf has improved and my handicap is down, but every time I go to take a leak, the bloody thing wont let go!!"
If a jogging suit is for jogging, lounging pajamas for lounging and a smoking jacket for smoking, why would anyone EVER want to wear a "windbreaker"??
What did the mother buffalo say to her male offspring as he left? Bison!
What goes trot-dash-trot-dash-trot-trot-dash? Horse code!
A French-Canadian from a remote Quebec village came to work as cook-housemaid in a Montreal Jewish home. When she came home for leave, her relatives asked her what kind of people the Jews were. "The Jews are rather nice. They are always most polite to me, give me presents, pay for medical help for me. Really, no complaints whatsoever. Only they have strange holidays. "They have a holiday named Shabbat, when they eat in the dining room and smoke in the toilet". "Then they have a holiday called Tisha B'Av which is a reminder of their great Temple which was destroyed in Biblical times. They smoke in the dining room but eat in the toilet". "And they have a holiday named Yom Kippur when they both eat and smoke in the toilet." Happy Birthday, sorry, HAPPY BIRTHDAY! to Buddy Ebsen, who was 95 on Wednesday. He has now achieved such honourable status in Hollywood that they are thinking of re-running his show as the Beverly Hillwilliams! He’s also running neck and neck with Bob Hope in the Hollywood Death Pool (Cement Pond)! An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He says to the waitress, "Me want coffee." The waitress says, "Sure, chief. Coming right up." She gives him a mug of coffee, he drinks it in one gulp, then throws his bucket of manure high into the air, blasts it with his shotgun and calmly walks out. The next morning the same Indian returns, with his shotgun in one hand and a fresh bucket of manure in the other. "Me want coffee." The waitress says, "Whoa, there, Tonto! We're still trying to clean up the mess you made in here yesterday! What the hell was that all about?" The Indian replies, "Me in training for executive management position. Drink coffee, shoot shit, then disappear for rest of day!
IRS - Be audit you can be! A couple had been married for 45 years and had raised a brood of 11 children and were blessed with 22 grandchildren. When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replies, "Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids." As I was on the way home from a long and stressful day at the office, the car phone rang. It was my husband. "Will you be joining me in the whirlpool bath tonight?" he asked. "What a lovely way to spend an evening," I thought. I was about to tell him how romantic and considerate he was when he continued, "Because if you're not, I need to start adding more water to the tub." Four old men were out golfing. "These hills are getting steeper as the years go by," one complained. "These fairways seem to be getting longer too," said one of the others. "The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too," said the third senior. After hearing enough from his senior buddies, the oldest and the wisest of the four of them at 87 years old, piped up and said, "Just be thankful we're still on the right side of the grass!"
I once knew two sisters whose breasts
They exposed to their thunderstruck guests
A policeman was called
And the young chap, enthralled
Ogled, but made no arrests.
When does a fit reach 'hissy' status? What do you get when you put 25 blondes in a freezer? Frosted flakes. Know what an 11 is? A 10 who doesn't get headaches.
Belly Dancing Show: Navel observatory.
For every person with a spark of genius, there are a hundred with ignition trouble. How does a lesbian hold her liquor? By the ears. Incontinence Hotline...Can you hold, please?
Lysdexia: a peech imspediment we live to learn with...
If only women came with pull-down menus and on-line help.
43.3% of statistics are meaningless!
The difference between tax avoiding and evasion is 10 Years.
It said 'Insert disk #3', but only two will fit.
Originality is the art of concealing your sources.
Just fill out one simple form to win a Tax Audit!
Paper clips are the larval stage of coat hangers
What's the definiton of Perfect Pitch? When you toss an accordion into a dumpster and it hits a set of bagpipes!
How do you know when there's a harmonica player at the door? He doesn't have the key, he just comes in whenever the hell he feels like it.
Once upon a time there was a female brain cell that by mistake happened to end up in a man's head. She looked around nervously but it was all empty and quiet. "Hello?" she cried, but no answer. "Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer. Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled: "HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?" Then she heard a voice from far, far away: "Hello, we're down here..."
War Quotes Good news for Iraq. There's a 50 percent chance that President Bush will confuse it with Iran." -Craig Kilborn"Yesterday, the president met with a group he calls the coalition of the willing. Or, as the rest of the world calls them, Britain and Spain." -Jon Stewart"White House spokesman Ari Fleischer said today President Bush called British Prime Minister Tony Blair this afternoon, as he does every day to make sure he's still in office." -Jay Leno"President Bush spent the day calling names he couldn't pronounce in countries he never knew existed." -Jay Leno"The Pentagon still has not given a name to the Iraqi war. Somehow 'Operation Reelect Bush' doesn't seem to be popular." -Jay Leno"CNN said that after the war, there is a plan to divide Iraq into three parts... regular, premium and unleaded." -Jay Leno"Chief Weapons Inspector Hans Blix told the U.N. today that Baghdad is cooperating or, to put it in terms that Fox News viewers can understand, Hans Blix told the U.N. today that Baghdad is not cooperating." -Bill Maher"Iraq began destroying those missiles they don't have over the weekend. See, President Bush may be the smartest military president in history. First, he gets Iraq to destroy all of their own weapons. Then, he declares war." -Jay Leno"A lot of students around the country protested the war today. The National Youth and Student Peace Coalition sponsored an anti-war organization called 'Books Not Bombs.' President Bush said, 'Why do you want to drop books on them?'" -Jay Leno"My wife wanted to go somewhere expensive for the weekend. So, I took her down the street to the local Texaco." -Jay Leno"In an interview with Dan Rather, Saddam has challenged President Bush to a live, televised debate. I think this would be fair, since English is a second language to both of them." -Jay Leno"President Bush has said that he does not need approval from the UN to wage war, and I'm thinking, well, hell, he didn't need the approval of the American voters to become president, either." -David Letterman
An elderly woman got off the escalator in a D.C. subway when and a young (20ish) female peace protestor offered her a pamphlet, which she politely declined. The young protestor put her hand on the old woman's shoulder as a gesture of friendship and in a very soft voice said, "Ma'am, don't you care about the children of Iraq?" The old woman looked up at her and said, "Honey, my first husband died in France during World War II so you could have the right to stand here and bad mouth your country. And if you touch me again, I'll stick this umbrella up your ass and open it." Loud applause broke out among the onlookers and the young protestor was at a total loss for words.
Top ten reasons why Canada will not fight in Iraq:
10. We have no way of getting there.
9. We are too busy at home with the Maple Syrup Season.
8. After 136 years, we are still coping with the French.
7. Saddam's name pronounced backwards if "Mad Ass". We'll stay away from him.
6. There is only limited potential for sales of Canadian Bacon in Iraq after the war.
5. Our Sea King Helicopter was damaged and needs repairs.
4. Celine Dion can't sing to the troops because she has a contract in Las Vegas.
3. The Rivers in Iraq are too shallow for our War Canoes.
2. Lousy hockey in Iraq at this time of year.
1. Our army is needed at home in case of another snowstorm in Toronto.
These three guys have been in the same prison cell for two years. One is British, one is American, and the last one is Turkish. They have become very bored and try to think of something different to do. "Let's play golf." The American finally says. "I don't know how to play that." The Turk says. "Oh it's easy.” answers the Brit, "All you need is a ball, a stick, and a hole." "I got the ball," says the American, "I got the stick," says the Brit. The Turk says, "I don't think I wanna play."
A communist is someone who reads Marx and Lenin. An anti-communist is someone who understands Marx and Lenin.
Once there were two twins, Joe and John. Joe was the owner of a dilapidated old boat. It so happened that John's wife died the same day that Joe's boat sank. A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Joe and mistook him for John. She said, "I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must just feel terrible." Joe, thinking that she was talking about his boat, said, "Heck no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing right from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always losing her water, she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow. The fools tried to get in her all at once and she split right up the middle." The old lady fainted.
The ideal man is like a beluga whale. He has a four-foot tongue and can breathe out of a hole in the top of his head.
What's all the fuss about same-sex marriages? I've been married for years, and I keep having the same sex.
Nothing in the world is more expensive than a woman who's totally free for the weekend!
Frannie went to the doctor, saying she had a problem with her aviaries. The doctor said, "Frannie, you're being silly. You mean ovaries. Aviaries are where you find birds." Frannie shook her head and said she meant *aviaries*. Not prepared to argue, the doctor told her to get on the couch for an inspection. After a quick look, he said, "Well, Frannie, you're right! There's been a cockatoo in there."
There was a leggy, longhaired blonde at the bar was wearing a mini-skirt and a low-cut blouse. Around her neck she wore
a little golden airplane on a long chair. All night long a dweebish looking guy kept eyeing her. They made eye contact and he came over to her. Slightly embarrassed as he gazed all over her, she held up her airplane charm and said, "Oh, you like my airplane?" "Actually, ma'am," he smiled mischievously, "I'm kind of fond of the landing field."
There was a man from Cuba
Who stuck his dick in a tuba
His newly wed bride
Blew on the other side
And his dick flew off to Aruba
THE SENILITY PRAYER Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
It's 3am, and a wealthy man is driving his brand new BMW M3 down the road when he sees a car on the side of the road, on its roof, and flames all around. There' s no one else in the area, his cell phone reception is dead, so he stops his car to have a look. He finds an extremely beautiful woman in the car, but she's bleeding to death. He puts her on the back seat of his M3, and rushes her to the hospital. Six months she lies in the hospital, and he is with her every day and every night. He donates blood to keep her alive. Eventually, she recovers fully, and they get married. Life is cool for a few years, until one day she gets fed up with his love of money decides to leave him because she feels like a trophy wife. She comes down the stairs, struggling with her two suitcases, she reaches into her pocket for the keys to the Jaguar. Sure enough, he stops her before she reaches the door, and asks" What are you doing?" I'm leaving you, " she says. "Oh really, and how are you going to leave? The keys in your hand are for the Jaguar I paid for. It's my car. You are not taking it anywhere." "Fine," she says, and throws the keys at him. "And those bulging suitcases? The clothes you're wearing? Everything, I've paid for. They are my suitcases and my clothes. You're not taking them anywhere" "Fine," she says, and throws the suitcases at him. She strips down completely and throws her clothes at him too. "And the blood in your body? I sat with you for six months in the hospital. You know half of the blood is mine. You're not going anywhere." She looks at him as she's walking naked out the door, turns, whips out her tampon, flips it to him and says " I'll pay you back in monthly installments."
How do you get a redhead to argue with you? Say something
How do you get a redhead's mood to change? Wait 10 seconds
What's safer: a redhead or a piranha? The piranha. They only attack in schools.
How do you know a guy at the beach has a redhead for a girlfriend? She has scratched "stay off MY TURF!" on his back with her nails.
What do you call a Redhead with an attitude? Normal
What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A redhead!
How do you know when your redhead has forgiven you? She stops washing your clothes in the toilet bowl
How do you know when a redhead has been using a computer? There's a hammer embedded in the monitor.
Only two things are necessary to keep a redhead happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way,
and the other is to let her have it.
The manager of ladies' dress shop realized it was time to give one her sale clerks a ' pep talk '. "Jane, your figures are well below any of our other salespeople's. In fact, unless you can improve your sales record soon, I'm afraid you'll have to let you go." "I'm sorry, Ma'am," said a humbled Jane. "Can you give me any advice on how to do better?" "Well, there is an old trick I can tell you about. It sounds silly, but it's worked for me in the past. Get hold of a dictionary and go through it until you come to a word that had particular power for you. Memorize
it, work it into your sales pitch whenever it seems appropriate, and you'll be amazed at the results." Sure enough, Jane's sales figures went way up, and at the end of the month, the manager called her in again and congratulated her. "Did you try my little trick?" she asked. Jane nodded. "It took me a whole weekend to find the right word,
but I did:.... ' Fantastic.' ""'Fantastic.' What a good word," said the manager encouragingly. "How have you been using it?" "Well, my first customer on Monday was a woman who told me her little girl had just been accepted at the most exclusive prep school in the city. I said, 'Fantastic.' She went on to tell me how her daughter
always got straight A's and was the most popular girl in her class, I said 'Fantastic' and she bought $300 worth of clothing. My next customer said she needed a formal dress for the spring ball at the country club, which she was in charge of. I said 'Fantastic.' She went on to tell she had the best figure of anyone on the committee and her husband makes the most money. I said 'Fantastic' and she not only bought the designer gown, but hundreds of dollars of other merchandise. It's been like that all week: the customers keep boasting, I keep saying 'Fantastic', and they keep buying." "Excellent work, Jane," complimented her boss, “I can’t believe such a small thing could make such a big difference. Just as a point of interest, what did you used to say to customers before you
discovered your new power word?" Jane shrugged. "I used to say, 'Who gives a shit ?'"
A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do a seven-day experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear and preach to it. Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience. Father O'Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first. "Wellll," he says, in a fine Irish brouge, "Ey wint oot into th' woods to fynd me a bearr. Oond when Ey fund him Ey began to rread to him from the Baltimorre Catechism. Welll, thet bearr wanted naught to do wi' me und begun to slap me aboot. So I quick grrabbed me holy water and, THE SAINTS BE PRAISED, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming oot next wik to give him fierst communion und confierrmation."
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he proclaimed, "WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle...WE DUNK! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to him from God's HOOOOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. I SAY NO! He wanted NOTHING to do with me. So I took HOOOLD of him and we began to rassle. We rassled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we come to a crick. So I quick DUNK him and BAPTIZE his hairy soul. An' jus like you sez, he wuz gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the week in fellowship, feasting on God's HOOOOLY word."
They both look down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. The rabbi looks up and says, "Oy! You don't know what tough is until
you try to circumcise one of those creatures."
A business is looking for office help. They put a sign in the window saying: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, work a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer." Soon after a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The manager looked at the dog and was surprised, However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer." The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager. By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job." The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the part about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual." The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, "Meow."
On the first day of Spring Training, a baseball scout brings a racehorse with him to add to the starting line-up. The coach asks, "What did you bring that horse here for?" The scout replies, "Wait until you see him bat." All the players are laughing, until the horse comes to bat. At this point, the horse grabs the bat, and everyone quiets down. They stare at the horse. The pitcher, just shrugs his shoulders, and throws the ball toward home plate, when astonishingly the horse hits the ball deep in the outfield. The horse just stands there and does not move. The manager then yells at the baseball scout to tell the horse to run to first base. The scout looks back at the manager and yells back, "If he could run, he'd be at Belmont!"
A man married a very beautiful woman who was very hot and horny and they had great sex at least twice a day. Everything was great until he found out that she was so horny that she was screwing every man in town while he was off to work. Angry, embarrassed and bitter, he divorced her and married the first ugly woman that came along. She was completely faithful but after a month, he left her and went back to his ex-wife. His friends couldn't believe he would swallow his pride and go back to such a blatantly unfaithful woman. When questioned about it, he said, "I decided I'd rather eat sweets every day with others than eat shit all by myself!"
What can a bird do that a man can't? Whistle through his pecker.
What are blonde’s first words after 4 years of college? “Would you like fries with that?”
A brunette doing laundry asked her blonde friend to help her find a match for her sock. The blonde replied, “What for? Are you going to set it on fire!”
A blonde, redhead, and brunette were looking at a dictionary for the hardest words they knew. The brunette’s word was quizzical. The redhead’s word was photosynthesis. The blonde’s word was dick.
What do blondes and doorknobs have in common? Everyone gets a turn
What do you ask a blonde in a drive-thru? Is that for here or to go?
A blonde walks into a shoe store, and tries on a pair of running shoes. "How do they feel?" asks the sales clerk. "Well... they feel a bit tight," replies the blonde. The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and the lady's feet. "Try pulling the tongue out," offers the clerk. "Nahh, theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth," she says.
Three Newfies, Pat, Mike and John were out fishin' one day when John makes his confession. "We all be friends for tirty years and been tru a lot. I never told ya dis before because I didn't wanna ruin our friendship, but I'm gay." Pat looks over at Mike and said, "We kinda figured dat out a while back, but wasn't gonna say nuttin' because we didn't wanna embarrass you." John thanked them for their understanding and continued: "Da reason I'm tollin' ya'll dis is cause I got AIDS and I got six munts to live. Yer all I got lef and I want ya to promise me dat ye'll won't let dem bary me. I'm scared of dem caskets and I wanna be cremated. Den, I want ya to trow my ashes from dis boat over dis here water, where we've spent so much time togeder." Pat and Mike wiped back a few tears, then agreed to do what their friend had asked. Sure nuff, six munts later John up and dies, and they were standing in the boat with the ashes. Pat was about to trow dem overboard when Mike stopped him."Wait, you gotta say somtin," he said. "I donno what to say. I never was much about churchgoin'." Pat admitted. Mike, he scratches his head. "Just say sumtin' -- anyting. Make it ryhme." Pat tought about it a while and started trowin' dem ashes out over da water and said: "Ashes to ashes, Dust to dust, If you'da liked women, you'd still be here wit us!!!"
What did the vagina ask the ovaries? "Did you order any furniture?" "No. Why?" "Cause there's two nuts out here trying to deliver an organ."
From deep in the crypt at St Giles
Came a scream, which resounded for miles.
Said the Vicar "Good gracious!
Has Father Ignatius,
Forgotten the Bishop has piles!?!?
The Pentagon announced today the existence of a new terrorist group in Iraq. This new group is known as Saddam Hussein's Iraqi Terrorists (SHIT). The Iraqi government had been actively recruiting both their soldiers and civilians to become SHITs with a marketing campaign copying the Dr. Pepper jingle, "I'm a SHIT, he's a SHIT, etc.... wouldn't you like to be a SHIT too?" This apparently would be considered a promotion for regular Iraqi Army soldiers, but only a lateral transfer for Republican Guard members. According to a Pentagon analyst, one of the most disturbing facets of this isthe ability of the SHIT to disguise themselves as TURDs (Terrorists Underneath Raghead Diapers). It would be difficult, he said, to distinguish between SHITs and TURDs without very close examination. He further stated, however, that US forces would continue to do their best to shoot the SHIT and bomb the SHIT out of Iraq, or until the SHIT hit the fan. The Pentagon also said they regard Saddam Hussein to be the Number One SHIT, and that he is at the top of their SHIT list.
A sexually active lady swallowed a super Gillette razor blade by mistake. Her doctor discovered that not only had she given herself a tonsillectomy, an appendectomy and a hysterectomy, but she had also castrated her husband, circumcised her lover, taken two fingers off a casual acquaintance, and given the vicar a hair lip. And, there were still 5 shaves left!
In Las Vegas a maiden named Carol
Was arrested for wearing a barrel.
She'd not drawn the joker
While playing strip poker
And lost all her other apparel.
News reports have filtered out early this morning that US forces have swooped on an Iraqi Primary School and detained teacher Mohammed Al-Hazar. Sources indicate that, when arrested, Al-Hazar was in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square and a calculator. US President George W Bush argued that this was clear and overwhelming evidence that Iraq indeed possessed weapons of maths instruction. A delicate young man walked into an army recruiting office. After answering numerous questions, he was finally asked if he was a homosexual. The guy admitted that he was. "Gay, huh?" the brawny recruiter growled. "Do you think you could kill a man?" "My, yes," the man giggled, "but it could take days and days."
After being disappointed in the delayed-action effects of Viagra, Tom the Bus Driver was delighted to hear about a new product called Now!-Agra. Each pill came with strict instructions; 'To be taken only immediately before sex'. Tom phoned his wife and arranged to be home by six that evening. Whilst he was finishing his day's work she had a long soak in luxurious bubble bath, listened to her favourite records, and was truly relaxed and ready when the clock struck six. When he wasn't home by eight she was really peed off, and by nine she was beginning to worry. Tom came home sheepishly at ten, looking absolutely shattered. "What happened?" "Well, I got back to the depot on time and the Inspector asked me to park the bus at the back of the garage. I thought a few minutes wouldn't make any difference so I took the pill and then parked the bus.” "And..." "And I've only just now managed to get out from under the steering wheel..."
The Top 13 Things That Suck About Being Saddam's Body Double13 There go your chances of ever being on "American Idol."12 Telltale pork rind crumbs always get trapped in that moustache.11 Saddam #18 never rinses out the moustache after he's done with it.10 You're the one who always gets stuck signing autographed pictures for Michael Moore and Sean Penn.9 You only get to sleep with wives #201 and higher.8 Because he thinks your wave on TV was effeminate, "Your kittens must die!"7 Your lucrative Iraqi Elvis impersonation career has been put on indefinite hold.6 Saddam insists you stay every night and practice the mirror routine from "Duck Soup" with him.5 You have to kiss Chirac on the lips whenever he's in town.4 You're always getting into scuffles with your neighbour, the George W. Bush body double.3 Sure, you look like him. Yes, you've got the moustache. But, for crying out loud, you're his *mother*!2 The demand for accuracy requires penis-reduction surgery.1 Your brother, who looks just like Hugh Hefner, keeps sending you Ramadan cards from the Playboy mansion.
Why the phuck does "phonics" start with ‘PH’ ?
Who are the three most dangerous men a man can meet? A black guy with a gun, a Puerto Rican with a knife, and agay man with a chipped tooth. The Dubya war glossary: What do they really mean?As in all military actions, government and media advocacy for the U.S. invasion of Iraq has introduced a number of confusing new words and phrases, or new usages of existing ones, to the English language. Since many of these are directly opposite of their intuitive meanings, we present here, for your helpful reference, a guide to some of these new linguistic developments. Keep this guide handy by your TV for the next time Bush, Rumsfeld, Wolfowitz, Franks, or any of their minions appear on your screen!The Dubya War GlossaryAllies - n. Tony Blair.Coalition of the willing - n. Britain and Spaincollateral damage - obs. The hapless schmucks that happen to be in the way when the U.S. bombs civilian facilities or residential neighborhoods. When they do it to us, it is called terrorism. No longer commonly used; such deaths are now ignored entirely. Other obsolete words and phrases include "Osama bin Laden," "Afghanistan," "budget surplus," "economy," "environment," "corporate scandals," "education," "civil liberties," "Constitution," "Guantanamo Bay," and "the end of the war."Democracy - n. The ideal form of a political system -- now used interchangeably with the economic system called "capitalism" -- in which a handful of wealthy people with occasional minor policy differences take turns enriching their patrons and being elected by a citizenry that is allowed no other choices. E.g.: "We intend to turn Iraq into a democracy, just like the United States."Deterrent - n. A category of military weapons that includes massive nuclear arsenals, space-based nuclear and laser weapons, and chemical and biological weapons research. Only applies when possessed by the United States See: Weapons of Mass DestructionDisarm - v. To blow to smithereens. E.g.: "Saddam Hussein's destruction of his missiles is an impediment to U.S. plans to disarm Saddam Hussein." due process - n. When George Bush decides a terrorist gets the process that he is due. See: unlawful combatant; torture.Embed - v. To engage in an act of prostitution. E.g.: "Hundreds of U.S. media outlets have elected to cover the war by having their reporters embedded in an American military unit."Empire - abbr. A shortened form of the phrase "American empire." A state in which 196 countries are eternally grateful, or should be, for being plundered by the 197th. See: democracyHomeland - n. That portion of empire which got ignored because the "Department of Defense" is no longer used for defending Oil - n. Booty.Old Europe - n. Formerly "allies." A collection of countries too stuck in the mud, or jealous, to welcome empire. See also: world peace n. The mythical state achieved when the United States has a complete global monopoly on the use of military force. Not to be confused with "democracy," "freedom," or "justice." See: empirethe people of Iraq - See: Saddam Husseinprecision bombing - n. Replaces smart bombs. What a morally enlightened country like the United States does. Involves using MOABs, daisy cutters, or up to 3,000 cruise missiles to create firestorms that convert oxygen to carbon monoxide and asphyxiate anyone within range of the miles-wide inferno; and then pretending that the resulting fatalities do not exist. See: civilian casualtiespreemptive attack - n. Replaces blitzkrieg. Unprovoked invasion of a country that poses no threat, esp. if that country is defenseless and has extensive reserves of oil. Proof - n. Sales receipts, usually from before or just after the Gulf War. E.g.: "We have extensive proof for the existence of Iraq's biological and chemical weapons."Reconstruction - n. The lucrative process undertaken during the occupation of an invaded country, involving replacing destroyed buildings, bridges, and utility systems. There is nothing you can do to rebuild the people; fortunately, they never existed. See: Saddam Hussein; civilian casualltiesregime change - n. Coup d'etat.Saddam Hussein - n. The nation of Iraq, pop. 24,002,000 (2002 est.); area 172,476 sq. mi. (slightly larger than California), centered on the Tigris and Euphrates Rivers in Southwest Asia, previously known as Babylonia and Mesopotamia; one of the oldest continuously civilized regions in the world. "Iraq" and "Saddam Hussein" are generally used interchangeably, e.g.: "We're going to bomb the hell out of Sadda Hussein."Shock and Awe - n. War crime.Terrorism - adj. What they do.Terrorist - n Anybody who dislikes George Bush's policies. See: unlawful combatantTorture - n. 1. A form of due process, inflicted either by the U.S. or its trained employees in less savory third world dictatorships. See: unlawful combatant. 2. George Bush giving a press conference.unlawful combatant - n. Any opponent of George Bush's policies who the U.S. government would prefer to have held indefinitely without trial. See: Constitution; due process; tortureWar On Terror - n. A comprehensive marketing strategy to ensure the reelection of George Bush in 2004, by embroiling the United States in war for decades to come. Replaces these previous campaigns: "Compassionate conservative," "Fiscally responsible," "Education President," "He's really not as dumb as he looks." Precedes "War is peace. Freedom is slavery. Ignorance is strength."Weapons of Mass Destruction - n. What they have. See: deterrentWorld - n. The collection of nations and peoples which thinks George Bush is out of his freakin' mind. Iraqi Minister of Information gathers Saddam's 'doubleurs' and says, "Guys I got good news and bad news. The good news is Saddam Hussein has survived the bombing." The guys all cheer. "The bad news is he's lost an arm and a leg."
A Texan looked up the top of a tall building in New York City and noticed a man ready to jump! "Stop," he yelled, "remember you're someone who has value!" The man yelled back, "I just lost everything of value on the stock market!" "But remember you're important to your wife," yelled the Texan. "She divorced me, the bitch." "Your children! Remember your children," yelled the Texan. "They never call," said the man. "Then your parents. Remember your parents," yelled the Texan. "Dead as doornails'", said the man. "Then 'remember the Alamo'," yelled the Texan. "What's the Alamo?," inquired the man. The Texan replied: "Jump you Yankee son a bitch!" There was this city doctor who by necessity tried to extend his practice to the countryside. He attended a sick farmer once a day for a few days but then did not return. The puzzled farmer finally phoned him to ask what's the matter, "Don't youlike me or somethin'?" The doctor said, "No, it’s your ducks at the entrance. Every time I enter the farm, they insult me!" The young ensign approached the crusty old chief and asked him about the origin of the commissioned officers insignias."Well, Ensign, it's history and tradition. First, we give you a gold bar representing that you're valuable BUT malleable.The silver bar of a lieutenant junior grade represents value, but less malleable. When you make lieutenant, you're twice as valuable so we give you two silver bars. "As a captain, you soar over military masses, hence the eagle. As an admiral, you're obviously a star. That answer your question?" "Yes, Sir. But what about commanders and lieutenant commanders?" "Now that goes waaaaaay back in history. Back to the Garden of Eden and Adam. You see, we've always covered our pricks with leaves... "
What's the difference between Little Miss Muffet and Little George Bush? One suffered from arachnophobia. The other suffers from Iraqnophobia.
Sheldon, a butcher just out of trade school in Canada applies for and gets a job, skinning and cutting up the kills of local hunters. The first project he gets is to cut up a moose to put in the freezer. Sheldon finally gets the moose cut up and isputting it into bags and marking them carefully by contents: chops, rump steak, ribs, sirloin, etc, etc. When he finishes with the stuff he knows, he is still left with a pile of unidentifiable moose parts. At a loss as to what to do with them, he finallyputs them all into one large bag and labels them... "Moosellaneous." I'm learning to speak French by calling my bank and pressing the #2 button ten times a day. A fellow goes for check-up and says, Doc, I'm worried because my best suit doesn't fit like it used to." The doctor says, "Well, you must have put on weight." He replied, "No, I haven't gained an ounce, but the pants are too tight and the jacket's a little loose!" The doctor says, "Sounds like a case of 'furniture disease' to me." The fellow says, "What in the heck is 'furniture disease'? The doc says, "That’s when your chest goes in to your drawers!" "If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?" -- Steven Wright
Sister Margaret had been a model nun all her life. Then, she was called to her reward. As she approached the pearly gates, Saint Peter said, "Hold on, Sister Margaret... not so fast!" "But I have been good all my life and dedicated to the work of the Lord from the time I was taken in as an infant by the sisters at the convent to my dying breath.. I have lived for this moment!" Sister Margaret exclaimed in disbelief. "That is just the problem," replied St. Peter, "you never learned right from wrong and, to get into heaven, you must know the difference between right and wrong." "Well what can I do? I will do anything to get into heaven!" Sister Margaret pleaded. "I am going to have to send you back down to Earth. When you get there I want you to smoke a cigarette and call me when you are finished. We will discuss your situation then," ordered St. Peter. Sister Margaret returned to Earth, smoked a Camel, and then immediately called St. Peter, coughing and hacking. "Saint Peter" she gasped, "I can hardly breathe, my mouth tastes terrible, my breath stinks, I feel dizzy, and I think I am going to throw up." "Good!" replied the old saint, "Now you are finally getting a feel for right and wrong. Now go out tonight and drink some hard liquor and call me when you are ready." Sister Margaret phoned St. Peter immediately after taking several belts of Jack Daniels. "Saint Peter...I feel woozy. That vile liquid burned my throat and nauseated me. It is all I can do to keep it down." "Good, good! Now you are starting to see the difference between right and wrong" said St. Peter with delight. "Tomorrow I want you to seek out a man and know him in the Biblical sense. Afterward, call me." A week passed before Sister Margaret called St. Peter and left a message: "Yo, Pete, it's Peggy... It's gonna be a while." Sometimes we just take things for granted! Pat Murphy decided it was time to buy a new house, so he decided to sell his old house and put the matter in the hands of a real estate agent. The agent wrote up a sales blurb for the house that made wonderful reading. After Murphy read it, he turned to the agent and asked, "Does my house have everything your ad says it does?" The agent said, "It certainly does. Why do you ask?" Murphy replied, "Cancel the sale. It's exactly what I'm looking for." I always try to be as honest as possible when my wife asks how she looks, but sometimes I get a little distracted. Last week as she fidgeted in front of the mirror she remarked, "I'm fat." I said, "No you're not, dear." She said, "My hair is awful." I replied, "It's lovely." She whined, "I've never looked worse!" I absentmindedly replied, "Yes, you have, dear." When I was young, my family used to take camping vacations, all over Canada. Our favorite spot was a long lake about a half -mile wide. While we were around our campfire in the evening, some of the locals would tell us of the Indian lore of the area. This one Legend always stuck, in my mind. It seemed that, on this particular lake, two Indian Tribes made their homes. They were, however, at war with one another, from years before. There was an Indian Maiden, in one Camp, who was in love with a young Brave, in the other Camp, and they used to stand, on the shore, on their respective sides of the lake and chant Indian love calls to each other, even though they were warned by their Chiefs that nothing could ever come of it. One cold winter evening, they just could not stand being apart any longer and they each jumped into the lake and swam towards each other in the Moonlight. When they reached each other, in the centre, of the lake, they embraced and, very quickly, froze to death. This act of love so impressed the Brave's Tribe that they named the lake after the young man. These many years later I will always cherish those wonderful vacations we spent at Lake Stupid.
TOP 10 PASSOVER PICK UP LINES
10. Let's make this night really different from all others nights
9. I'm going to have to search you for chometz
8. I could never Pass you Over
7. Did you just read we were in bondage?
6. I bet I could make you sing Dayenu!
5. After four cups of wine, you look like Cindy Crawford
4. Nice Hagadah
3. What will you do to me for two zuzim?
2. I hear that horseradish is an aphrodisiac
And the #1 Passover Pick Up Line is:
Maybe when Elijah shows up, we can make it a threesome
Top 10 reasons why it’s ok to watch the Leafs after first night Seder.
10) Mats and Moses…I can’t tell the difference.
9) We slayed the Senators in the first round…akin to the slaying of the firstborn don’t you think?
8) We got Nolen from California, almost like we got Manna from heaven.
7) We worship the Cup like the Golden Calf
6) The hidden commandment number 11 on the list was, though shall stay out of the penalty box
5) We toiled under Harold Ballard kind of similar to working for old Pharoh!
4) The Leafs have 4 questions that need to be answered too. 1. Why didn’t we get Eric Lindros? 2. Why on this night is the game scheduled for 7 pm? 3. What’s the deal with Shane Corson? 4. What’s Jrki Lumme doing on defense?
3) Had they won the cup 5 years ago…Dayenu, Had they won the cup and had a Lady Byng trophy winner …Dayenu
2) On this night it’s OK to recline by the TV watching the game. It says so in the Haggadah!
And the number one reason why it’s OK to watch the Leafs after first night of Seder is:
1) Hey! We’ve suffered for 36 years now. It’s close enough to 40 for gosh sakes…
Go Leafs Go and Happy Passover!
Selma and Irving receive a wedding invitation in the mail. Since it was many years since they were invited anywhere, they read every word with glee, very excited to be invited. All was fine until they reached the last line. Confused, Irving asks Selma, "Selma, vat does this "RSVP" mean?" Selma was at a loss for a few moments, but finally, she cries out: "Vait! I remember! I remember! RSVP!! It means "Remember, Send Vedding Present!" Three bubbies were sitting around and bragging about their children. The first one says, " You know my son, he graduated first in his class from Stanford, he's now a doctor making $250,000 a year in Chicago" The second woman says, "You know my son, he graduated first in his class from Harvard, he's now a lawyer making half a million dollars a year and he lives in Los Angeles." The last woman says, "You know my son, he never did too well is school, he never went to any university but he now makes a million dollars a year in New York working as a sports repairman" The other two women ask "Vos is a sports repairman?" The Bubbie replies, "He fixes hockey games, football games, baseball games,...."
In a New York Deli a customer says, ”I am sorry, waiter, but I only have enough money for the bill. I don't have anything left for a tip. The waiter said, “That's all right, mister. Just let me add up that bill again.”
Five Jews changed the way we see the world: Moses: " The law is everything"
Jesus: " Love is everything"
Marx: " Money is everything"
Freud: " Sex is everything" Einstein: " Everything is relative"
A mouse looked through a crack in the wall to see the farmer and his wife opening a package; what food might it contain?
He was aghast to discover that it was a mousetrap! Retreating to the farmyard, the mouse proclaimed the warning, "There is a mouse trap in the house; there is a mouse trap in the house." The chicken clucked and scratched, raised her head and said, "Mr. Mouse, I can tell you this is a grave concern to you, but it is of no consequence to me; I cannot be bothered by it." The mouse turned to the pig and told him, "There is a mouse trap in the house." "I am so very sorry Mr. Mouse," sympathized the pig, "But there is nothing I can do about it but pray. Be assured that you are in my prayers." The mouse turned to the cow, which replied, "Like wow, Mr. Mouse, a mouse trap? Am I in grave danger? Duh!" So the mouse returned to the house, head down and dejected to face the farmer's mousetrap alone. That very night a sound was heard throughout the house, like the sound of a mousetrap catching its prey. The farmer's wife rushed to see what was caught. In the darkness, she did not see that it was a venomous snake whose tail the trap had caught. The snake bit the farmer's wife. The farmer rushed her to the hospital. She returned home with a fever. Now everyone knows you treat a fever with fresh chicken soup, so the farmer took his hatchet to the farmyard for the soup's main ingredient. His wife's sickness continued so that friends and neighbors came to sit with her around the clock. To feed them, the farmer butchered the pig. The farmer's wife did not get well, in fact, she died, and so many people came for her funeral the farmer had the cow slaughtered to provide meat for all of them to eat. So the next time you hear that someone is facing a problem and think that it does not concern you, remember that when the least of us is threatened, we are all at risk. And so it may be with
Germany, France and Belgium one day...
Life isn't like a box of chocolates, it's more like a jar of jalapenos -- you never know what's going to burn your ass.
I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.
My reality check bounced.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
Everyone is someone else's weirdo.
Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.
The more Shit you put up with, the more Shit you are going to get.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
Ring bell for maid service. If no answer, do it yourself!
I clean house every other day. Today is the other day. I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
I'd live life in the fast lane, but I am married to a speed bump.
How can you tell which bottle contains the PMS medicine? It's the one with bite marks on the cap.
Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman as opposed to a regular one? You have to hollow out the head.
Why won't they hire blondes as pharmacists? They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters.
What happened to the blonde ice hockey team? They drowned during Spring Training.
Why do blondes have more fun? They're easier to amuse.
What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer? Frosted flakes.
Why can't blondes put in light bulbs? They keep breaking them with their hammers.
What is it when a blonde blows into another blonde's ear? Data transfer.
Why did the blonde resolve to have only three children? Because she read that one child out of every four born was Chinese.
Why did the blonde ask her friends to save their burned-out light bulbs? She needed them for the darkroom she was building.
What is the biggest advantage to marrying a blonde? You get to park in the Handicapped Zone.
When a teenage girl smiles at a boy, he tries to decide what makes him so sexy. When a young lady smiles at a man in his fifties, he turns around to see who's the handsome dude behind him. But when a female of any age smiles at a man of 80, he looks down to see if he's unzipped.
Cindy went to her gynecologist when she got her vibrator stuck inside of her. "To remove that vibrator," said the Peter ,her doctor, "I'm going to have to perform an operation." "I don't think I can afford that" said Cindy. "Could you just replace the batteries?"
A dying American soldier in a battlefield hospital in Iraq tells the nurse: "How I wish I could kiss the American flag before I die!" Nurse: (Extremely touched by the soldier's patriotism): "Actually, as card-carrying Republican, I have the American flag tattooed on my bottom. You may kiss my ass, if you don't mind it." Soldier: "Of course I wouldn't mind it. Thank you for fulfilling my last wish as a patriot American." The nurse took off her panties and the dying soldier kissed the flag. Soldier: "Thank you, nurse. Would you be so kind as to turn around so that I could kiss Bush too?"
Isn’t it ironic that politics, supposedly the second oldest profession, bears such a close resemblance to the first.
"I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80-foot stepladder with a coat hanger. -- Steven Wright
What do you call a woman who puts her diaphragm In crooked? Mother What's the difference between eating mashed potatoes and eating pussy? . Mashed potatoes doesn't make it's own gravy! If our ancestors came over on a boat, how did herpes come over?? On the Captain's dinghy.
What's the difference between Love and Herpes? Herpes last forever.
What's the difference between the Pope and your boss? The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.
Why does an Elephant have four feet? Because 8 inches isn't enough.What do Soy Beans and Dildos have in common? Both are meat substitutes.
There once was a gal from Racine
Who was bound to do something obscene
So she stripped herself bare
And sold everyone a share
At Merril-Lynch, Pierce-Fenner and Beane.
Joy of Dick
I'll tell you a short poem;I'll try to make it quick.The subject is quite simple:The joy of having a dick.Penises are super things;You ladies should be jealous.An organ surrounded by sensitive skinThat's smooth and rarely hairless.It starts to grow dramatically,When you're about thirteen.Your testicles on either side;Your willy in between.It dangles neatly down below;Soft, obedient and loyal.At the slightest hint of lust,It's ready to uncoil.It often has a mind all of its own;It's like a wild untamed beast. It squirms and writhes and stretches out;
When you expect it least. Sometimes, yes, it misbehaves; Erecting when it shouldn't.A bumpy train ride sets it off;Just when you wish it wouldn't.And during the summer,Wearing little, sunning on the beachThe slightest sight of shaking boobsAnd to cover up you'll have to reachHandle it with love and care;For it can give great pleasure.Has it grown since last weekend?And when did you last measure?Some people fret about its size;They give it lots of thought.Is seven inches long enough?It makes guys quite distraught.They peek across in urinals,To compare and try to seeBut if another glances back at themThere's no way that they can peeMasturbating is a sin;That's what some folk believe.But those are just old wives' tales;Cuz it really can relieve.Without this fabulous organ,No shag would be complete.Lesbians will try their best;But must admit defeat.It has two main bodily functions,I'm sure you'll all agree,To start a whole new life,And of course, daily to pee.But I think the thing that's marvelous;About that one eyed bruteIs that when its trying to procreate,It knows which fluid to shoot.And always it remains with you;Until you're old and frail.Don't take it out in public though,Or you'll be thrown in jail. And so to summarize I'd say with certainty
That every male loves his little friend. But girls, no matter what ya do,Please don't fold, spindle mutilate ...And NEVER NEVER Bend!!!
A company was looking to hire someone for an important position, so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down to three people. In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same question to answer within 24 hours and the one with the best answer would get the job. The question was: There is a man and a woman in bed, naked. The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his side facing the woman's back. What is the man's name? Well, after the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their answers. The first one says " My answer is, there IS no answer." The second one says " My answer is, that there is
no way to determine the answer with the information we were given." The THIRD one says " I'm not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down to two names, it's either Willie Turner or Willie Taylor." HE GOT THE JOB!!!!!!!
Have you ever noticed when lady soldiers wear slacks the hems on the legs are either two inches short or two inches long? There is a reason for that. Quartermaster has an inseam measuring machine. The operator raises the arm up to the individuals' crotch and reads the inseam length off of a digital readout. Now some girls go eeek and jump up resultingin pant legs a couple inches long. Other girls go mmmmmmh and hunker down causing pant legs a couple inches too short.
Ode to Tax Time
Tax his cow, Tax his goat;
Tax his pants, Tax his coat;
Tax his crop, Tax his work;
Tax his ties, Tax his shirt;
Tax his chew, Tax his smoke (now ain't that the truth);
Teach him taxing is no joke.
Tax his tractor, Tax his mule;
Tell him, Taxing is the rule.
Tax his oil, Tax his gas (again ain't that the truth)
Tax his notes, Tax his cash (oh boy a pattern emerges);
Tax him good and let him know,
That after taxes, he has no dough.
If he hollers, Tax him more;
Tax him till he's good and sore.
Tax his coffin, Tax his grave,
Tax his sod in which he's laid.
Put these words upon his tomb,
"Taxes drove him to his doom."
After he's gone, we won't relax,
We'll still collect estate and inheritance tax.
How is golf like taxes? Well, you drive hard to get to the green, and then you wind up in the hole.
Top Ten Reasons Why You Don’t Need an Accountant (American Style):
10. Nothing beats that 'waiting until the last minute anxiety ridden' feeling.
9. What's more fun than having to learn another complicated software program?
8. IRS tax publications are better to read than the latest bestseller.
7. Who needs a Pro, next year I'm going to do my own appendectomy too.
6. Schedule A, 1040, Schedule D, 1099's, W-2's, c'mon it's just so intuitive.
5. If you can't go to the dentist what possibly could be more fun.
4. With state returns, I get to do it twice!
3. A weekend skiing or a weekend locked in a room filling out tax forms, who wouldn't choose tax forms?
2. Getting audited is a great way to meet new and interesting people.
1. The government could really use some more of my money so who cares if I miss a few deductions.
As I lie on my bed, thinking about you, I feel this strong urge to grab you and squeeze you because I can't forget last night. You came to me while my eyes were closed unexpectedly during the balmy night and what happened in my bed still leaves a tingling sensation. You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly, without any reservations, you touched my naked body. Sensing my indifference, you started to bite me all over my body without any guilt or humiliation. You drove me crazy while you slowly sucked me dry. Finally I went to sleep. Today when I woke up, you were gone. I searched for you but to no avail. Only the sheets bore witness to what happened between us last night. My body still shows your marks, making it harder for me to forget you. Tonight I will remain awake waiting for you....... you fucking mosquito. Grandma Goldberg, a woman of 85, was slowly ambling down the street when she met her physician Dr. Cohen. Dr. Cohen, a dapper graying man in his early 60's asked the elderly lady-- "Mrs. Goldberg how are you feeling?" For a long moment the woman gave the good doctor a terrible stare and then she said -- "You ask me how I'm feeling! I'll tell you how I'm feeling!! My legs hurt, my chest is sore, my heart is beating too fast and I can't sleep!!! I have horrible headaches and stomach pains too!" The good doctor looked at the elderly lady with compassion. "If you're feeling so awful, why don't you come and see me right away?" Grandma Goldberg let out a sigh and said, "I was just waiting until I felt a little better."
WJEW-Channel 18, "TV for your inner Jew," has announced its new season lineup of Jewish reality shows. They include:
- JOE MINYANAIRE: A good-looking young man goes to an Orthodox singles event and tells girls he meets there that he davens every day. Watch their reaction when they find out that he hasn't been inside a shul since his bar mitzvah in 1986 and spends every morning and afternoon at Starbucks!
- AMERICAN SHEITEL: Viewers vote for the woman wearing the best-looking head-covering.
- SHMEER FACTOR: Contestants vie to see who is the bravest by trying new bagel-and-cream-cheese combinations, such as shiitake mushroom bagels with lemon-sunchoke cream cheese or tortellini bagels with cilantro-pesto cream cheese. Filmed entirely in Lincoln Park and Lakeview.
- THE RHEA – AL WORLD: Rhea and Al Goldberg, married 55 years, are thrown together in a house in Miami Beach for a week with no TV. If both survive, they move on to the next installment: an hour-long trip in a Cadillac with no air conditioning. The excitement never ends!
- DON”T MEET MY FOLKS: Three Jewish men take their girlfriends home to meet their parents. But watch out-one of the girlfriends is a shiksa! Parents try to guess which son is in an interfaith dating situation so they can throw him out of the house and threaten to sit Shiva for him.
- JEWISH SURVIVOR: Participants attend a round of Jewish organizational fundraising dinners. Each week, one person is voted off for falling asleep during the guest speaker, complaining about the chicken being overcooked, eating three extra desserts, changing seats so he/she doesn't have to sit with Mr./Mrs. Schwartz, snapping his/her fingers at the rabbi, who looks just like one of the waiters, etc. The final "Survivor" wins $1 million-to be donated to his or her favorite Jewish charity!
YIDDISH, n. [1] a tongue that never takes its tongue out of its cheek; [2] the rich traditional language of organized complaint
Did you hear about the Texas teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots? He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. Finally, when the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet." She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on - this time on the right feet. He then announced, "These aren't my boots." She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to. And, once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet.
No sooner they got the boots off and he said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear 'em." Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up the grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again. Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your mittens?" He said, "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots." Her trial starts next month.
A Texan stood in Chicago looking at a large building. A young boy walked by and stood beside the Texan. "You know, boy," said the Texan, "Where I come from we have that kind of building too, but they’re four times as big." "Really?" replied the boy. "How sad. That’s a mental hospital."
Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said: "TWO PROSTITUTES -- $50.00."
A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail. Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: "JESUS SAVES." One of the girls asked the cop: "How come you don't stop them?!" "Well, that's a little different," the cop smiled. "Their sign pertains to religion." So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off. The following day found the same cop in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which now read: "TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER -- $50
100 Reasons to be Gay
1. You truly don't care who Julia Roberts is sleeping with.
2. You understand the difference between 43 brands of imported vodka.
3. You can call anyone "honey" including pets.
4. You know someone who definitely was in the emergency room with Richard Gere and the gerbil.
5. You understand the immense importance of good lighting.
6. You can be at a crowded disco the size of two football fields and still spot a toupee.
7. You can tell a woman you love her bathing suit, and truly mean her bathing suit.
8. You can explain the nuances between steady date, boyfriend and lover.
9. You really have "been there, done that."
10. Your women friends will tell you everything you want to know about their boyfriends. And that means everything.
11. You're the only type of male who gets to say "fabulous."
12. You can have naked pictures of men you don't know in your home.
13. You can have naked men you don't know in your home.
14. You know how to handle the telephone like a Stradivarius.
15. You understand why the good Lord invented spandex.
16. You understand why the good Lord didn't intend everyone to wear it.
17. You know how to get back at just about everyone. And have.
18. You know that the most important part of a party's decor is the catering staff.
19. You only wear polyester when you mean to.
20. You can smile to let someone know you can't stand them.
21. You can freeze a troll from 20 feet away.
22. You're good pals with women other people can't stand.
23. You've always got an opinion.
24. You've read the book, seen the movie, done the musical.
25. You know how to dress strategically.
26. Your car has an amusing female name.
27. You're the only one at your high school reunion who looks a lot better than you did in high school.
28. You've got at least one framed picture of a pet.
29. If your mattress could talk, it would be Joan Rivers.
30. You know that sex complicates things. So?
31. You know that being called a "cheap slut" isn't actually an insult.
32. There's a married guy somewhere who is terrified of you.
33. Nobody tells you what to do in bed...unless you tell them what to tell you.
34. You have a medicine chest stocked for any occasion.
35. You have at least one movie musical on video.
36. You're not embarrassed to sing in a piano bar.
37. You're embarrassed by people who sing in piano bars.
38. You never hold a grudge for longer than a decade or two
39. You know how to make an entrance.
40. You know when to make an exit.
41. You worry about people you don't even know - like Liza Minnelli.
42. You choose the most fabulous greeting cards.
43. You know how to program your VCR.
44. You've got sunscreen at every conceivable SPF level.
45. You have a cologne display worthy of Bloomingdales.
46. You understand, viscerally, Joan Crawford.
47. Some of your best friends are your ex lovers.
48. You know when to play dumb.
49. You know what to do for a hangover.
50. Yes, you do have a condom.
51. You've called someone "girlfriend" who is neither a girl nor a friend.
52. One or more of the following apply to you: a) You adore Judy Garland, b) You hate Judy Garland, c) You hate people who adore Judy Garland, d) You hate people who hate Judy Garland, e) You don't give a damn about Judy Garland,
f) Who is Judy Garland?
53. You can supply the last names to the following list: a) Bernadette, b) Barbra
54. You made Donna Summer a star.
55. You made Donna Summer a has-been.
56. Tanning salons were invented for you.
57. You've made sunbathing a performance art.
58. You know when the party's over.
59. You know where to go after the party's over.
60. You're fearless about fighting the elements, especially gravity.
61. When you hear "a stitch in time saves nine" you think of a) Your grandma, b) Your face lift, c) John Wayne Bobbit
62. You know that pigs and bears are not necessarily rural wildlife.
63. Your roommate can be your roommate and not your "roommate."
64. You know that referring to someone as "a real lady" isn't necessarily a compliment.
65. Your favorite dinner accessory may also be your dinner companion.
66. If your cat is a female, you swear it's a lesbian.
67. If your cat is a male, you swear it's a lesbian.
68. You sing along heartily with songs that make most females cringe, like "Stand by your man".
69. You've been to a bris, a bar mitzvah, a christening, a first communion and too many weddings and you have a carefully considered evaluation of the food after each.
70. You'll never have to hear your mother complain about your wife.
71. A two-seater convertible seems perfectly practical to you.
72. You have a favorite Disney character and it's usually a nasty one.
73. You've left someone totally speechless.
74. You've shaved something other than your face.
75. All your friends do not have to "get along".
76. You have large collection of anniversary pictures. They may be with different guys, however.
77. Your love handles are actually used as such.
78. When someone turns his back on you, you actually consider it an opportunity.
79. You've got a large assortment of movie-star biographies.
80. You've got the most interesting coffee table books.
81. You know where to find a meat rack and it ain't in your kitchen drawer.
82. You have a sexual persuasion with its own flag.
83. At some moment in your life you've envisioned having back-up girls.
84. You know your enemies.
85. After a workout at the gym, you feel like a new man. And he's right there in the shower.
86 You're Barbra Streisand's biggest fan.
87. You know that Barbra Streisand's biggest fan is Barbra Streisand.
88 Not only have you added spice to your life - sometimes you've added side dishes.
89. You know that "small talk" can be about spirituality or politics, and "important issues" can be about hair.
90. You've actually lived out some of your fantasies.
91. Unlike most straight women, you have no problem being treated solely as a sex object.
92. You have no doubts about the accuracy of the Kinsey Report.
93. You know, by heart, every line in: a) All about Eve, b) The Rocky Horror Picture Show, c) Your face
94. You are ALWAYS ready for your close-up.
95. You have 412 ways to tell someone to get lost. 136 are non-verbal.
96. You can lip-sync to at least one Supreme's song.
97. You have a carefully selected Yiddish vocabulary.
98. Even if you're in Kansas, you're not in Kansas anymore.
99. You know exactly how many martinis it takes.
100. When throwing a party, you know how to put out quite a spread. Sometimes after the party too
A rather old fashioned lady, always quite delicate and elegant, especially in her language, was planning a weeks holiday in Sydney with her husband, so she wrote to a particular camping ground and asked for a reservation. She wanted to make sure that the camping ground was fully equipped, but didn't know quite how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldn't bring herself to write the word "toilet" in her letter. After much thought, she finally came up with the old fashioned term "Bathroom closet" but when she wrote it down, she still thought she was being too forward, so she started all over again, rewrote the letter, and referred to the bathroom closet as the B.C. "Does the camping ground have it's own B.C." is what she wrote. Well, the camping ground owner wasn't a bit old fashioned, and he just couldn't figure out what the old lady was talking about, so he showed the letter around a few of the campers and the only thing they could come up with was that B.C. stood for Baptist Church, so he wrote the following reply. Dear Madam,I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take the pleasure of informing you that a B.C. is located nine miles north of our camping ground, and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit that it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of campers go there and many take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive nice and early and stay quite late. The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that there is a special supper planned there to raise money to buy more seats so that everyone will be able to sit in comfort. I would like to say that it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it is surely no lack of desire on my part, just that I am so busy most of the time. As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort to go, especially in the cold weather. If you decide to come down to our camping ground perhaps
I could go with you the first time you go, sit with you and introduce you to all the other folks. Remember this is a very friendly community
These questions about South Africa were posted on a South African Tourism Website and were answered by the website owner.
Q: Does it ever get windy in South Africa? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
Q: Will I be able to see elephants in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Durban to Cape Town - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only two thousand kilometres take lots of water...
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in South Africa? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in South Africa? Can you send me a list of them in JHB, Cape Town, Knysna and Jeffrey's Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about Koala Bear racing in South Africa? (USA)
A: Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific. A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the Koala Bear racing is every Tuesday night in Hillbrow. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is north in South Africa? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into South Africa? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Hillbrow, straight after the Koala Bear races. Come naked.
Q: Do you have perfume in South Africa? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in South Africa? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Can you tell me the regions in South Africa where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in South Africa? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.
Q: Are there killer bees in South Africa? (Germany)
A: Not yet, but for you, we'll import them.
Q: Are there supermarkets in Cape Town and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter-gatherers. Milk is illegal.
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in South Africa who can dispense rattlesnake serum. USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca, which is where YOU come from. All South African snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
Q: I was in South Africa in 1969, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Hillbrow. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.
Did you hear about the 55 whales beached on the shore of the Florida Keys? Officials have acknowledged only 54 actually washed ashore, apologizing to Senator Ted Kennedy who was sunbathing at the time.
Three expectant fathers, an American, a Jamaican, and a Frenchman were in the hospital waiting room. A doctor comes in and announces that he has some good news and some bad news. "The good news is that you each are the father of a healthy baby boy. The bad news is that we've mixed them up." The three new fathers walk into the nursery. The American guy goes right to the Jamaican baby, picks him up and starts rocking him. "What are you doing?" the Jamaican guy asks, "That is obviously my son." "I know," said the American guy, "but I didn't want to accidentally get stuck with the French kid."
Two gay men are beach walking, holding hands when a beautiful woman passes them. She's 5'10", 120 lbs, 38-24-36, wearing a string bikini with no tan lines. The first gay man turns to his friend, sighs audibly, and in a breathless whisper says, "It's women like her that sometimes make me wish I was a lesbian."
It was just found that President Bush has two well-differentiated brain hemispheres: the left one has nothing right and the right one has nothing left.
If people on Jeopardy are so smart, then why can't they write names better?
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
The Top Ten Things The Iraqi Information Minister Had to Say:
10. "We're pulling down the statues of Saddam to have them cleaned"
9. "Don't believe that stuff you see on CNN...or NBC, CBS, ABC, Fox or MSNBC"
8. "If you ask me who the winner is, it depends on what your definition of 'is' is"
7. "Iraqi television is off the air because we didn't want you to have to sit through 'Becker'"
6. "Do you know of any job openings for a lying weasel?"
5. "Wolf Blitzer and I are engaged"
4. "Iraqis are in the streets celebrating Cher's 40 fabulous years in show business"
3. "Incoming!"
2. "Saddam's not dead -- he's just out with a case of the shingles"
1. "War? What war?"
The fourth-grade teacher had to leave the room for a few minutes. When she returned, she found the children in perfect order. Everybody was sitting absolutely quiet. She was shocked and stunned and said, "I've never seen anything like this before. This is wonderful. But, please tell me, what came over all of you? Why are you so well behaved and quiet?" Finally, after much urging, little Sally spoke up and said, "Well, one time you said that if you ever came back and found us quiet, you would drop dead."
There once was a man named Bob,
Who wanted an ass for his knob.
He bought an old whore,
Entered the backdoor.
He wishes she wiped, that slob.
Why did the blond lay out on the lawn chair in her bikini at midnight? She wanted to get a dark tan.
What does a blonde think an innuendo is? An Italian suppository.
Did you hear about the blonde virgin who wasn't upset about losing her cherry? She figured she could always get a new one, since she still had the box it came in.
What's the difference between a blonde and a washing machine? If you throw a load in a washing machine, it doesn't follow you around for 3 days.
Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code on her stomach? So her male would get delivered to the right box.
Why did the deaf blonde sit on a newspaper? So she could lip read.
Why did the blonde call the welfare office? She wanted to know how to cook food stamps!
What do a blonde and an instant lottery ticket have in common? All you have to do is scratch the box to win.
What did the blonde's mother say when she asked if she could lick the bowl? "Just flush it like everybody else does."
Hear about the blonde explorer? She bought a piece of sandpaper thinking it was a map of the Sahara Desert.
How can you tell if the blonde is a nurse? She can make a patient without disturbing the bed.
What does a blonde have in common with the United States Army? They're open to any man between the ages of eighteen and thirty-five
As the airplane pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts, etc. Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell and crew, take you safely to your destination." Joe sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, "Did I hear her right? The flight captain is a woman?" When the attendants came by with the drink cart, he said, "Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?"
"Yes," said the attendant, "in fact, the entire crew is female on this flight." "My God," said Joe, "I'd better have two scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think of all those women up there in the cockpit." "Oh yes, that's another thing," said the attendant, "we no longer call it the cockpit. It's now called the Box Office."
THE 10 MOST IMPORTANT PEOPLE IN A WOMAN'S LIFE
10) The Doctor because he says, "Take off your clothes."
9) The Dentist because he says, "Open Wide."
8) The Hairdresser because he says, "Do you want it teased or blown."
7) The Milkman because he says, "Do you want it in front or in back?"
6) The Interior Decorator because he says, "Once you have it all in, you'll love it."
5) The Banker because he says, "If you take it out to soon, you'll lose interest."
4) The Police Officer because he says, "Spread 'em."
3) The Mailman because he always delivers his package.
2) The Pilot because he takes off fast and then slows down.
1) The Hunter because he always goes deep in the bush,
shoots twice and always eats what he shoots.
A gastroenterologist claims these are actual comments made by his patients while he was performing colonoscopies........
"Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before."
"Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
"Can you hear me NOW?"
"Oh boy, that was sphincterrific!"
"Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?"
"You know, in some states, we're now legally married."
"Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
"You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the Hokey Pokey...."
"Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
"If your hand doesn't fit, you must aquit!"
"Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
"You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
What does Hannibal think is the best thing about Domino's Pizza? The delivery guy.
Why doesn't he eat kids from Beverly Hills? Because they're spoiled.
Hannibal was going to have shish-kabob, but Bob didn't show.
What does Hannibal call a person with a big smile? A happy meal.
For breakfast Hannibal has eggs and Kevin Bacon.
Why did Hannibal invite Ralph Nader over? He's trying to eat more greens.
What shouldn't you say to Hannibal? "Bite me."
What does Hannibal call a hot tub? A crock pot..
Why won't he eat stewardesses? He hates airline food.
What does he call Kate Moss? Lean cuisine."
More and more these days I find myself pondering how to reconcile my net income with my gross habits.
What is the worst thing a wife can get on her twenty-fifth wedding anniversary? Morning Sickness!
I firmly believe that if the folks in Ancient Greece had known about duct tape, the Acropolis would still have its roof!
"My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher." – Socrates
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
Happiness is the combination of good health and a bad memory.
A representative for a condom company was on her way to an international condom convention. While rushing through the airport, she dropped her briefcase carrying her samples, scattering condoms across the floor. She noticed a passersby looking at her as she tried to get the condoms back into her briefcase. "It's okay," she said. "I'm going to a convention."
"Type of men you might meet in the men's room"
EXCITABLE: Shorts half twisted around, cannot find hole, rips his shorts.
SOCIABLE: Joins friends in piss whether he has to go or not.
CROSSEYED: Looks into next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed.
TIMID: Cannot piss if someone is watching, flushes urinal and comes back later.
INDIFFERENT: All urinals being in use, he pisses in the sink.
CLEVER: No hands, fixes tie, looks around and usually pisses on the floor.
WORRIED: Not sure of where he has been lately, makes a quick inspection.
FRIVOLOUS: Plays stream up, down and across urinals, tries to hit fly or bug.
ABSENT-MINDED: Opens vest, pulls out his tie, pisses in his pants.
CHILDISH: Pisses directly in bottom of urinal, likes to see it bubble.
SNEAK: Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, knows the man in the next stall will get blamed.
PATIENT: Stands very close for a long while waiting, reads with free hand.
DESPERATE: Waits in a long line, teeth floating, pisses in pants.
TOUGH: Bangs dick on side of urinal to dry it.
EFFICIENT: Waits until he has to crap, and then does both.
FAT: Backs up and takes a blind shot at urinal, pisses on shoes.
LITTLE: Stands on box, falls in, drowns.
DRUNK: Holds left thumb in right hand, pisses in pants.
DISGRUNTED: Stands for a while, gives up, walks away.
CONCEITED: Holds two inch dick like a baseball bat.
Two businessmen are sitting at a bar one night when one of them looks at his watch and says, "Well, guess I'd better be going home." The other chap says, "What's your rush? Sounds like the little woman's got you on a short leash!" The fellow replies ,"Hell no! I made myself the CEO in my house. But my wife’s the Director of Pussy."
A friend was just telling me he just celebrated his 'wooden' anniversary. When I asked what a 'wooden' anniversary was, he said, "I asked her to give me a blow job and she wooden.”
Bob, a middle-aged Canadian tourist on his first visit to Orlando, Florida, finds the red light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away! Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear, and she too screams, "No!" and walks quickly away. The madam is surprised that this ordinary looking man has asked for something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with him. She decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola, will do. Lola has never said no, and it's not likely anything would surprise her. So the madam sends her over to Bob. The sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams,
"NO WAY, BUDDY!" and smacks him as hard as she can and leaves. Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a brothel. She hasn't done the bedroom work herself for a long time, but she's sure she has said yes to everything a man could possibly ask for. She just has to find out what this man wants that has made her girls so angry. Besides she sees a chance to teach her employees a lesson. So she goes over to Bob and says that she's the best in the house and is available. She sits and talks with him. They frolic, giggle, drink and then she sits in his lap. Bob leans forwards and whispers in her ear, "Can I pay in Canadian currency?"
I pulled into a crowded parking lot and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador retriever had fresh air. She was stretched out on the back seat, and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay!" The driver of a nearby car gave me a startled look. "I don't know about you, lady," he said incredulously. "But I usually just put my car in park." Here is a humorous example of the current quagmire that persists for patients who seek medical care: Buford walked into a doctor's office one day; after waiting at the window for about ten minutes, the receptionist asked him what he had. Buford said, "I have the shingles." So she took down his name, address, copied his medical insurance number and told him to have a seat. Forty minutes later a nurse's aid came out and asked Buford what he had. Buford said, "Shingles." So she measured his height & weight, did a complete medical history, took him down the hallway and told Buford to wait in the small examining room. A half-hour later, a nurse came in and asked Buford what he had. Buford said, "Shingles." So she gave Buford a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told Buford to take off all his clothes, put on a gown and wait for the doctor. "The doctor will be here in a minute," she said. Two hours later the doctor came in and asked poor Buford, who was now cold, shivering and half-naked, what he was there for. Buford said, "I have the shingles." The doctor said, "Where?" Buford said: "Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to put them?" Mrs. Souder, who was a little on the chubby side, was at her weight-watchers meeting. "My husband insists I come to these meetings because he would rather screw a woman with a trim figure," she lamented to the woman next to her. "Well," the lady replied, "what's wrong with that? You'll feel better, too." "You don't understand. He likes to do it while I'm stuck at these damn meetings." Seniors are the leading carriers of aids - hearing aids, band aids, walking aids, medical aids, government aids, and most of all monetary aids (to the kids!). The ABC’s of an Ex-BoyfriendA is for the automobile which he doesn't own.B is also for brain, which was located between his legs.C is for the commitment that was never there.D is for the dildo he didn't know I had.E is for ego. His was bigger than a hot air balloon.F is for his faithfulness, as long as there wasn't something or someone better to do.G is also for the spot he could never find!H is for laughter (HA! HA!) the last sound he heard from me ashe was walking out the door.I is for impotent which is what I told everyone he was.J is for jugular, the one I'd love to sever.K is for kinky, he always started without me.L is for love in most cases, but exceptions have been made, L is for LOSER in this case, along with LUSH and LITTLE DICK.M is for MAN. Has anyone been able to find one? Have you ever met one? Do you know where any are?N is for the narcotics. He drove me past alcohol.O is for the orgasms he thought he made me have.P is for PAYBACKS. Remember they are HELL!Q is for queer. I sometimes wonder if he is.R is for the hopeless romantic he said he was. He was half right. He was hopeless, not to mention worthless.S is also for satisfied, which he rarely made me feel.T is for typical. Typical little boy playing at being a man.U is also for the ugly girl he is dating now.V is for the voodoo doll I made of him.W is for wife, the one he said he didn't have.X is what he is to me now!!!!Y is for WHY the hell did I ever get involved with him.Z isn't for anything, just like him, he ain't anything either. Actual Newspaper Headlines* March Planned For Next August* Lingerie Shipment Hijacked--Thief Gives Police The Slip* L.A. Voters Approve Urban Renewal By Landslide* Patient At Death's Door--Doctors Pull Him Through* Latin Course To Be Canceled--No Interest Among Students, Et Al.* Blind Woman Gets New Kidney from Dad She Hasn't Seen in Years* Henshaw Offers Rare Opportunity to Goose Hunters* Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years* Antique Stripper to Display Wares at Store* Stadium Air Conditioning Fails--Fans Protest* Teacher Strikes Idle Kids* Lawyers Give Poor Free Legal Advice All evening long, four card players had been pestered by a busybody who commented on everyone's hand and style of play. When he went out of the room for a moment, they hit on a plan to silence him. "Let's make up a game no one ever heard of," one of them said. "Then he'll have to shut up. "The busybody returned. The dealer tore two cards in half and gave them to the man on his left. He tore the corners off three cards and spread them out in front of the man opposite him. Then he tore five cards in quarters, gave 15 pieces to the man on his right and kept five himself. "I have a mingle," he said. "I'll bet a dollar." "I have a snazzle," the next man announced. "I'll raise you a dollar." The third man folded without betting, and the fourth, after much deliberation, said, "I've got a farfle. I'll raise you two dollars." The busybody shook his head vehemently. "You're crazy," he said. "You're never going to beat a mingle and a snazzle with a lousy farfle!" If I won the lottery I think I’d like to buy all the seats at Celine Dion's Las Vegas show for six months and not show up. Maybe she'd get depressed and go away. Middle Age is when you know all the answers and nobody asks you the questions. Did you hear about the blonde who was trying to lose weight so she had her cookies disabled! I must admit, I have all cookies fully enabled. Last night my wife asked me if I knew why there were three cookies in the jar in the kitchen yesterday morning and now there is only one left. I told her the light wasn’t very good and I didn't notice the last one. The other night I ate at a real family restaurant. Every table had an argument going. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism. She Was Only A...PLUMBER'S daughter but she sure gave my heart a wrench.STABLEMAN'S daughter but she handled all the horse manure.HACKER'S daughter but all her bits were in their proper arrays.BUTCHER'S daughter but she could REALLY pack Salami!GYNECOLOGIST'S daughter but she could sure play her vulva!STOCKBROKER'S daughter but she could really ride the BULLS!TAXI DRIVER'S daughter but she knew how to keep your meter runningACCOUNTANT'S daughter but she sure knew how to keep her BOTTOM line profitable.FARMER'S daughter but she knew her carrots from her carats!FURRIER'S daughter but she knew how to produce minks!PROGRAMMER'S daughter but she sure knew her 1's from her 0's!SHEEP FARMER'S daughter but she sure knew how to fleece her flock!PREACHER'S daughter but she sure knew how to fleece her flock!FISHMONGER'S daughter she had crabs on her place, poor soul.ELECTRICIAN'S daughter but she had all the right connections.COAL MINER'S daughter but she had a mine of her own.MARINE COLONEL'S daughter but she was rotten to the corps.ARTIST'S daughter but she knew where to draw the line.BUS DRIVER'S daughter but she knew where to get off.ARCHITECT'S daughter but she knew all the angles.FISHERMAN'S daughter but when she saw my rod she reeled.MINISTER'S daughter but I wouldn't put anything pastor.
"You and your husband don't seem to have an awful lot in common," said the new tenant's neighbor. "Why on earth did you get married?" "I suppose it was the old business of 'opposites attract'," was the reply. "He wasn't pregnant and I was."
A young exhibitionist called Rex,
Finds public places most fun to have sex,So he did his girl Tina,
At Wembley Arena,
And now they're thrilling crowds at the G-MEX.
Bert and Mabel were a week away from their wedding day and Mabel had insisted they save themselves for the big night. Bert was getting pretty desperate and pleaded, "Er, Mabel, as it is only a week to the big day, how's about a quick screw?" Mabel's answer as expected was, "No Bert, it's only 6 days to go, however you can have a look at your prize." The next night Bert again pesters Mabel. Being an understanding sort, Mabel gives in and says, "It is still 5 days to go and as you've been a good fellow, I'll let you have a little feel of your prize." It only makes matters worse for Bert and by the next night he can hardly contain himself. Seeing his obvious predicament Mabel greets Bert and whispers in his ear, "I can see what your problem is but you've still got 4 days to go. I will however let you have a good sniff of your prize." Not being bashful, Bert lifts Mabels skirt and sniffs. When he comes up for air he asks, "Mabel, are you sure it will keep 'til Saturday?"
A man with an urgent medical problem went to see an optometrist. Upon the arrival of his appointment, the patient produced a large shoebox and took off the top to reveal a massive bowel movement that he had recently taken. The Optometrist replied, "WHOA! Son, you don't understand... I am an Optometrist! An eye doctor! You need to see another kind of doctor." The patient replied, "No doctor you don't understand, every time I take one of these, my eyes water!"
What's in the toilet of the star ship enterprise? The captains log.
The world is divided into people who do things and people who get the credit.
Various letters, faxes, and communications made after the Americans shocked the world with its military power collected
by Nick Graziano
Russian military general staff to Pres. Putin:
Dear Puti,
It is our considered opinion that you don't ever make that crazy Texan mad! Did you see what he did to our tanks? SHEEESH! We're ready to fight WW III and the damn Americans are fighting WW VI!! Puti, be careful!
Yours, the generals of the general staff
From Pres Putin to Russian arms manufacturer:
Dear Uri,
What the heck are you making our tanks out of? Cardboard? Did I hear right? Did the Americans destroy all the 800 t-72
tanks we gave Iraq and only lost 3 of their own to minor problems?? Those damn Bradleys of theirs, with that tiny 25mm gun makes our tanks fully air-conditioned! May I remind you that tanks should stop bullets and small caliber shells? Do
we have a problem here? I have to deal with that cowboy and I don't want to make him mad!
Sincerely,
Pres, Putin
From Pres Chirac of France to Pres Bush:
Mon Ami! Georgie! I am so sorry that you misunderstood the position of the great French nation! Of course we were behind you all the way! We are always behind you. I want you to know that French military might will be ready to support the US military anytime! (Unless you actually want to fight somebody). Let's do lunch!
Yours,
Pres. Chirac
From Pres Bush to Gen. Tommy Franks
Dear Tom
Great job! I want to commend you for holding back and doing so little collateral damage. You saved us a bundle by not using the good stuff. No reason to show the world what we really can do if they tick us off.
Thanks Again,
Sincerely,
Pres. Bush
From Pres Bush to leader of Iran:
Dear ayatolah, whatever,
How are you? I was wondering if, in the spirit of cooperation and friendship, if the United States 4th Division could put on a military parade in Tehran? You don't have to answer this, I'm already sure it will be ok with you. Expect us sometime in
mid-May!
Yours,
President Bush (I'm the guy with the big army that just blew the heck out of the maniac Saddam, remember?)
From Arafat to his personal secretary:
Hey Mohammed!
Pack the bags and get the Swiss bank account books out of he safe. We gotta make tracks! The Americans are playing
Cowboys and Arabs and I don't want to end up on no reservation!
Arafat.
From pres of North Korea to Pres Bush:
My very good friend George,
Remember last month when I said I was going to bring the world into WWIII?? JOKE! It was all a joke! April Fool! I am very sorry you misunderstood. Let's talk! What say we get together and decide how you want me to get rid of those
silly nukes that I built. Call me.
Sincerely.
Your buddy Kim.
From Pres Assad of Syria to Iraqi leaders hiding in Damascus:
Look fellas,
You really gotta get the heck out of here! I don't want to have to catch no damn MOABs. I have just as many statues of me as Saddam had and now they are using them for urinals in Bagdhad. So please! Have a heart; get the heck out of Syria ASAP! Did you see how many tomahawks that cowboy has???
Yours,
Pres Assad
George Dubya got a letter from Saddam letter that appeared to contain a coded message '370HSSV-0773H' At a loss, Dubya emailed it to Colin Powell, who also had no clue so he forwarded it to the CIA. No one could solve it there, so they forwarded it to the NSA, who forwarded it to MIT who in turn forwarded it to NASA and the c.c. list got longer and longer. Eventually it arrived at the Federal Reserve Board. Dr. Greenspan glanced at it and quipped, "Perhaps the President would care to look at the message up-side-down." POSITION: Mother, Mom, Mama, MommyJOB DESCRIPTION: Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an, often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.RESPONSIBILITIES: The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION: Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass youPREVIOUS EXPERIENCE: None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.WAGES AND COMPENSATION: Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and this wish you could only do more.BENEFITS: While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right. Forward this on to all the moms you know, in appreciation for everything they do on a daily basis, and let them know they are appreciated.
If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?
Signs You've Chosen Air Canada After Recent Cutbacks:
You can't board the plane unless you have the exact change.
Before you take off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.
The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.
When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.
The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.
You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he says, "Just once."
No movie. Don't need one. Your life keeps flashing before your eyes.
You see a man with a gun, but he's demanding to be let off the plane.
All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.
How The Wizard of Oz Would Be Different If It Were Made Today10. Grizzly scene in which Dorothy blasts flying monkeys out of the sky with an Uzi.9. "Katie bar the door! There's a giant asteroid headed straight for Oz!"8. Dorothy steps outside and says, "Like, this is so not Kansas!"7. Instead of "oil," tin man moans, "Viagra."6. Kathie Lee Gifford plays Dorothy -- audience roots for Wicked Witch.5. It would be named "Twister II"4. To prepare for his role as the Scarecrow, DeNiro would actually have his brain removed3. Loveable dog Toto replaced by loveable droid T.O.T.O.2. "Lions and tigers and bears, oh Fuck!"1. New title -- "Wiz Got Game"
I found a magic genie yesterday. She told me she could give me a longer penis or more memory. Unfortunately, I can’t remember what I chose!
This is the Story of Cinderella and her Sugly Isters.
Cinders and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Cinders worked very hucking fard, frubbin loors and weaning clindows, emptying bunny huckets and shiveling shut. By the end of the day she was tucking fired. The sugly isters were fight cuckin runts. They did no wucking ferk, and had no wucking furries. They were right bugly itches as well. One was called Betty Swollocks and the other Cary Hunt. They were always pucking fissed. Cinders and the two sugly isters had tickets to go to the buge hall thrown by the Pransome Hince, but the botten ritches would not let Cinders go. When the cotton runts told her, Cinders was ducking fisgusted. Buttons worked with Cinders. He was gifted with nuge hackers and a dig bick. He was also a candy runt and liked Cinders to give him a wood gank. He was always rummaging in Cinders hubic pairs. Suddenly there was a huge bucking fang and a Gairy Fodmother appeared. She was a leal resbian, with a harge fairy lunt and big tairy hits. She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a huge cucking farriage pulled by six dandy ronkeys with buge hollocks and very pig bricks. Cinderella was amazed. 'Feist all Crucking Mighty' said Cinders, 'What the tuck was fat?' The Gairy Fodmother said, 'You're going to the ball you gilly sirl, but you must be back by 12' O' Clock or there will be cucking falamity.' At the ball Cinders was dancing with the Pransome Hince. The music was being played by a band called Sid Sniff and his Sniffing Seven. They were gucking food but foo nucking toisy. It was that drucking fummer. What a rucking facket! But when he blew his trucking fumpet he was bucking frilliant. But he was a big-headed bandy rastard and we all wished he would stick his trumpet up his ucking farse. Suddenly there was a lot of BONGING. The cock suck twelve and Cinders pucking fanicked and ran out of the ballroom slipping barse over ollocks, and dropping her slass glipper. The next day the Pransome Hince came knocking on Dinders soor. The sugly isters let him in and Betty Swollocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart. 'Who's Fust Jarted?', said the Pransome Hince. ''That forrible hucker over there'', said Buttons. The shell of smit was tucking ferrible. The Pransome Hince tried the slass glipper on the sugly isters without success. They had horrible fetty sweet and very fetty swannies. Suddenly Cary Hunt in her tuckin femper gave the Prince a nick in the kackers. This was not difficult as he had rucking fuge halls and hig bard on. He slied the tipper on Cinders fainty deet and it pitted ferfictly. 'Weel puck my siles'', said the Pransome Hince. 'Suck your own', said Ruttons. The Pransome Hince looked into her beep doo eyes and fell in love. He looked at her tovely lits and fell in lust. He looked at her covely lunt and fell in. Soon Cinders and the Prandsome Hince were married. He spent his days lucking in fuxury, and she ended hers with a follen swannie and they lived happily ever larfter. The End "When it’s raining really hard, I like to run stop signs just to make cops get out of their cars. Why make the money if you can't enjoy spending it? Make him stand there all wet in a big puddle. 'You know why I stopped you?' 'You know why I ran the sign?'" -Drew Carey
"Good afternoon, Landlord, a pint of Less if you please," said the old man. "Less? Never heard of it," replied the barman. "Oh, come now surely you have," he persisted. "No sorry, we certainly don't stock it. What is it anyway? Some foreign beer?" "Well I'm not sure," admitted the man. "It was the doctor who mentioned it. He said I should drink less."
How To Win Arguments Every Time:I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People who know this, steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me. You too can win arguments. Simply follow these rules:1. Drink LiquorSuppose you're at a party and some hotshot intellectual is expounding on the economy of Peru, a subject you know nothing about. If you're drinking some health-fanatic drink like grapefruit juice, you'll hang back, afraid to display your ignorance, while the hotshot enthralls your date. But if you drink several large martinis, you'll discover you have STRONG VIEWS about the Peruvian economy. You'll be a WEALTH of information. You'll argue forcefully, offering searing insights and possibly upsetting furniture. People will be impressed. Some may leave the room.2. Make things up.Suppose, in the Peruvian economy argument, you are trying to prove Peruvians are underpaid, a position you base solely on the fact that YOU are underpaid, and you're damned if you're going to let a bunch of Peruvians be better off. DON'T say: "I think Peruvians are underpaid." Say: "The average Peruvian's salary in 1981 dollars adjusted for the revised tax base is $1,452.81 per annum, which is $836.07 before the mean gross poverty level." NOTE: Always make up exact figures. If an opponent asks you where you got your information, make THAT up, too. Say, "This information comes from Dr. Hovel T. Moon's study for the Buford Commission published May 9, 1982. Didn't you read it?" Say this in the same tone of voice you would use to say, "You left your soiled underwear in my bath house."3. Use meaningless but weighty-sounding words and phrases.Memorize this list: Let me put it this way; In terms of; Vis-à-vis; Per se; As it were; Qua; So to speak. You should also memorize some Latin abbreviations such as "Q.E.D.," "e.g.," and "i.e." These are all short for "I speak Latin, and you do not." Here's how to use these words and phrases. Suppose you want to say: "Peruvians would like to order appetizers more often, but they don't have enough money." You never win arguments talking like that. But you WILL win if you say: "Let me put it this way. In terms of appetizers vis-a-vis Peruvians qua Peruvians, they would like to order them more often, so to speak, but they do not have enough money per se, as it were. Q.E.D." Only a fool would challenge that statement.4. Use snappy and irrelevant comebacks.You need an arsenal of all-purpose irrelevant phrases to fire back at your opponents when they make valid points. The best are: You're begging the question; You're being defensive; Don't compare apples and oranges; What are your parameters? This last one is especially valuable. Nobody, other than mathematicians, has the vaguest idea what "parameters" means. Here's how to use your comebacks: You say: "As Abraham Lincoln said in 1873..." Your opponent says: "Lincoln died in 1865." You say: "You're begging the question." OR You say: "Liberians, like most Asians..." Your opponent says: "Liberia is in Africa." You say: "You're being defensive."5. Compare your opponent to Adolf Hitler.This is your heavy artillery, for when your opponent is obviously right and you are spectacularly wrong. Bring Hitler up subtly. Say, "That sounds suspiciously like something Adolph Hitler might say" or "You certainly do remind me of Adolph Hitler."So that's it: you now know how to out-argue anybody. Do not try to pull any of this on people who generally carry weapons
There has been much speculation as to the whereabouts of Saddam Hussein and his acknowledged sons Uday andQusay, but frankly, who cares? We know who they are, and sooner or later, we will get them. My big worry is those sons of Saddam that most people don't know about. 1. Who-say. This son is in charge of the Ministry of Truth, Newspapers, and Television. He is thought responsible for the recent Iraqi broadcast announcing that President Bush had married his sister and that the American Army's 3rd Division along with the 7th Marine Division had left the Middle East to attend the wedding, resulting in a de facto Iraqi victory. 2. Who-dat. This son is in charge of the Secret Police and DNA Collection. These days he is responsible for collecting strainers to sift through the wreckage of government buildings hit by 8500 lb. U.S. bombs, and to determine if anyone in the government is left alive. 3.De-day. In charge of the Strategic Planning Staff of the Republican Guard, he widely predicted a U.S. invasion of Iraq could not possibly commence before December 2004. 4. Be-day. Minister of Health and Hygiene . . . also thought to be hiding in France. 5. Say what? Dyslexic from birth, his real name is "What-say." 6.Fri-day. In charge of the Iraqui Nuclear Weapons Development Program, he is thought to be in hiding in North Korea. 7. One-day. He had hoped to succeed his father as Dictator-for-Life, but he told too many people about it. He is thought to be dead, but you never know. 8. Who-carz. He is so far down the chain of command, some doubt he even exists. If you have knowledge of the whereabouts of any of these individuals, please e-mail the War Crimes Tribunal at The Hague, Netherlands, immediately.
There once was a preacher's daughter
Who resented the pony he bought her
Till she found that it's dong
Was as hard and as long
As the prayers her father had taught her
She married a man named Tony
Who soon caught her fucking the pony
He cried "What's it got
My dear, that I've not?"
And she sighed, "just a yard-long bologna."
I think I’ll just have salad for dinner….. to offset the 13 diet snack bars I had for lunch!
He tried me on the sofa He tried me on the chair He tried me on the window sill But he could not get it there He tried me on the couch I stood against the wall I even lay upon the floor But it would not work at all He tried his best to do it In front and in the rear But no matter how I tried to help His things got out of gear He tried it this way and that way I really had a laugh To see how many times he tried
To take my photograph.
Taken from real Curriculum Vitae and covering letters.
1. "I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreasheet progroms."
2. "Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."
3. "Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."
4. "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."
5. "Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave."
6. "Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."
7. "It's best for employers that I not work with people."
8. "Let's meet , so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."
9. "I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
10. "Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments."
11. "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
12. "I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voicemail."
13. "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage"
14. "I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant."
15. "Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far."
16. "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."
17. "Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."
18. "Marital status: often. Children: various."
19. "The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers."
20. "Finished eighth in my class of ten."
21. "References: none. I've left a path of destruction behind me."
A resolution was recently proposed in the UN to form a new union between the Turks and Kurds. This would create a new nation along the Iraq border to be called the Turds. France vetoed the measure citing historical rights to the name.
They now have an Italian airline that flies out of Genoa. It's called Genitalia.
What do you call a woman that works like a man? A lazy bitch.
Not only is life a bitch, it has puppies.
What do you call a blonde with pigtails? A blowjob with handlebars
An RCMP officer stopped to help a stranded rider standing beside a stalled motorcycle in the mountains. It was extremely cold, and the rider was heavily dressed in a helmet, balaclava and snowmobile suit. In a muffled voice, the rider told the Mountie that the carburetor was frozen. A motorcyclist himself, the Mountie remembered an old trick for just such an occasion. "Try peeing on it," the Mountie said, "That should unfreeze it." "Can't," replied the rider. So the helpful Mountie took out his own equipment and liberally hosed down the carburetor, and the bike soon fired up. A few days later, the local department received a thank you note from a father, grateful for the roadside assistance his young daughter had received from the RCMP.
There was a young girl from Sofia,
Who succumbed to her lover's desire.
She said, "it's a sin, But now that it's in,
Could you shove it a few inches higher?"
There once was a woman from China, Who went to sea on a liner, She slipped on the deck, And twisted her neck, And now can see up her vagina.
A lady goes on a vacation to the Caribbean wishing her husband had been able to join her. Upon arriving, she meets a black man, and after a night of passionate love-making she asks him, "What is your name?" "I can't tell you" the black man says. Every night they meet and every night she asks him again what his name is and he always responds the same, he cannot tell her. On her last night there she asks again, "Can you please tell me your name?" "I can't because you will make fun of me" the black man says. "There is no reason for me to laugh at you" the lady says. "Fine, my name is Snow" the black man replies. The lady bursts into laughter and the man gets mad and says "I knew you would make fun of it" She replied, "No, no. I’m laughing because my husband just won't believe me when I tell him that I had 10 inches of Snow everyday in the Caribbean!"
Toasters:
- If IBM made toasters ... They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters.- If Microsoft made toasters ... Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd still have to pay for it anyway. Toaster'95 would weigh 15000 pounds (hence requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that lets you control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their toasters.- If Apple made toasters ... It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but 5 years earlier.- If Xerox made toasters ... You could toast one-sided or double-sided. Successive slices would get lighter and lighter. The toaster would jam your bread for you.- If Radio Shack made toasters .... The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it. Or you could buy all the parts to build your own toaster.- If Oracle made toasters .... They'd claim their toaster was compatible with all brands and styles of bread, but when you got it home you'd discover the Bagel Engine was still in development, the Croissant Extension was three years away, and that indeed the whole appliance was just blowing smoke.- If Sun made toasters ... The toast would burn often, but you could get a really good cuppa Java.- If Hewlett-Packard made toasters ... They would market the Reverse Polish Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you regular bread.- If The Rand Corporation made toasters ... It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube. Every morning there would be apiece of toast on top of it. Their service department would have an unlisted phone number, and the blueprints for the box would be highly classified government documents. The X-Files would have an episode about it.- If Sony made toasters ... The ToastMan, which would be barely larger than the single piece of bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently attached to your belt.- If Fisher Price made toasters ... "Baby's First Toaster" would have a hand-crank that you turn to toast the bread that pops up like a Jack-in-the-box.- If the Franklin Mint made toasters ... Every month, you would receive another lovely hand-crafted piece of your authentic hand-crafted Civil War pewter toaster.
Fifty Ways to Love Your Beaver: (with apologies to Paul Simon)Just finger the pie, DiDiddle the clam, PamWhy not masturbate, KateAnd listen to meTouch yourself THERE, ClaireYou'll feel better everywhere!Go stroke where you pee, LeeAnd set yourself FREE!She said "You know it hurts me so to see you in such need.But you know now you don't have to deal with men and messy seed."I said "I appreciate that ... and I'll follow your leadand use the fifty ways."She said, "Why don't you just take home this vibrator tonightAnd I believe that when you try it you'll begin to see the light."And when I felt it buzz, I realized she probably was right!There must be fifty ways to love your beaver.Fifty ways to love your beaver.Just finger the pie, DiDiddle the clam, PamWhy not masturbate, KateAnd listen to meTouch yourself THERE, ClaireYou'll feel better everywhere!Go stroke where you pee, LeeAnd set yourself FREE!
You might be anal-retentive if...
14. you eat the M&Ms in colour order.
13. you fold your dirty clothes before putting them in the hamper.
12. you have to have all boxes in the kitchen facing the same way and in order by size.
11. you have all your canned goods organized by type, flavor, and use and they're all facing the front.
10. all you books, CDs, and movies have to be alphabetical order.
9. you require no less than 230 threads per inch on your sheets....and they are tucked so tightly that you really could bounce a quarter on them.
8. you alphabetize your spices.
7. you actually bother trying to convince someone that the 3rd millennium hasn't begun yet (or that it *has* begun).
6. you organize your closet by color, season, and fabric.
5. you flame every person who sent you email because the emails weren't spelled correctly or grammatically correct.
4. you remove the tires to wash inside the wheel-wells of your vehicle.
3. you collect the little postcards in magazine issues...for recycling.
2. every e-mail reply that you send has been through a grammar checker...and you correct the original message.
1. you're on a "calorie-counting" diet and you count the calories in the hot sauce on your "Big Beef Burrito Supreme"
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but damned if I couldn't find any.
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"
A parts manager for a small electronics shop, had occasion to order part No. 669 from the factory. But when he received it he noticed that someone had sent part No. 699 instead. Furious at the factory's incompetence, he promptly sent the part back along with a letter giving them a piece of his mind. Less than a week later, he received the same part back with a letter containing just four words: "TURN THE BOX OVER."
A little girl and a little boy were at day care. The girl approaches the boy and says, "Hey Tommy, wanna play house?" He says, "Sure! What do you want me to do?" The girl replies, "I want you to communicate your thoughts." "Communicate my thoughts?" said a bewildered Tommy. "I have no idea what that means." The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the husband."
The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped exhausted. His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word. "My you look tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?" "It was terrible," her husband said. "The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking."
While waiting for a friend, I saw a meter maid ticketing cars. I glanced over at the car next to me and noticed the time had elapsed in its meter and being a good fellow, I put in a quarter. I was smugly thinking, "That's one driver who won't be getting a ticket," just as the meter maid got into the car and drove off.
We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the special was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99. "Sounds good," my wife said. "But I don't want the eggs." "Then I'll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents because you're ordering à la carte," the waitress warned her. "You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?" my wife asked
incredulously. "I'll take the special." "How do you want your eggs?" "Raw and in the shell," my wife replied. She took the two eggs home.
MOM'S DICTIONARY: (would have been good for Mother’s Day, but better late than never)
ALIEN: What Mom would suspect had invaded her house if she spotted a child-sized creature cleaning up after itself. BABY: 1) Dad, when he gets a cold. 2) Mom's youngest child, even if he's 42.
BATHROOM: A room used by the entire family, believed by all (except Mom) to be self-cleaning.
"BECAUSE": Mom's reason for having kids do things which can't be explained logically.
BED AND BREAKFAST: Two things the kids will never make for themselves.
CAR POOL: Complicated system of transportation where Mom always winds up going the furthest, with the biggest bunch of kids, who have had the most sugar.
COOK: 1) Act of preparing food for consumption. 2) Mom's other name.
DUST: Insidious interloping particles of evil that turn a home into a battle zone.
ENERGY: Element of vitality kids always have an oversupply of until asked to do something.
"EXCUSE ME": One of Mom's favorite phrases, reportedly used in past times by children.
FABLE: A story told by a teenager arriving home after curfew.
FOOD: The response Mom usually gives in answer to the question, "What's for dinner tonight?"
GARBAGE: A collection of refuse items, the taking out of which Mom assigns to a different family member each week,
then winds up doing herself.
HANDI-WIPES: Pants, shirt-sleeves, drapes, etc.
HANDS: Body appendages which must be scrubbed raw with volcanic soap and sterilized in boiling water immediately prior to consumption of the evening meal.
ICE: Cubes of frozen water which would be found in small plastic tray if kids or husbands ever filled the damn things
instead of putting them back in the freezer empty.
"I SAID SO": Reason enough, according to Mom.
JUNK: Dad's stuff.
KETCHUP: The sea of tomato-based goop kids use to drown the dish that Mom spent hours cooking and years
perfecting to get the seasoning just right.
MAKEUP: Lipstick, eyeliner, blush, etc., which ironically make Mom look better while making her daughter look "cheap."
MAYBE: No.
MILK: A healthful beverage which kids will gladly drink once it's turned into junk food by the addition of sugar and cocoa.
"MOOOOOOMM!": The cry of a child on another floor who wants something.
PANIC: What a mother goes through when the darn wind-up swing stops.
OVERSTUFFED RECLINER: Mom's nickname for Dad.
PENITENTIARY: Where children who don't eat their vegetables or clean their rooms eventually end up, according to Mom.
PIANO: A large, expensive musical instrument which, after thousands of dollars worth of lessons and constant harping by Mom, kids will refuse to play in front of company.
PURSE: A handbag in which Mom carries the checkbook and keys she can never find because they're buried under tissues, gum wrappers, a plastic container full of cereal, toys from a fast-food restaurant, a teddy bear, a football, wallpaper samples, a grocery list and several outdated coupons.
REFRIGERATOR: Combination art gallery and air-conditioner for the kitchen.
SCHOOL PLAY: Sadistic ritual in which adults derive pleasure from watching offspring stumble through coarse reenactments of famous historic events.
SNOWSUITS: Warm, padded outer garments that, when completely zipped and snapped performs two important functions: 1) Protecting children from the cold and 2) reminding them that they have to go to the bathroom.
SOAP: A cleaning agent Mom puts on the sink on the off-chance one of her kids will accidentally grab it while reaching for the towel.
SPIT: All-purpose cleaning fluid especially good on kids' faces.
SUNDAY BEST: Attractive, expensive children's clothing made of a fabric which attracts melted chocolate and grape juice.
TERRIBLE TWO'S: Having both kids at home all summer.
TROUBLE: Area of nonspecific space a child can always be sure to be in.
UMPTEENTH: Highly conservative estimate of the number of times Mom must instruct her offspring to do something
before it actually gets done.
UNDERWEAR: An article of clothing, the cleanliness of which ensures the wearer will never have an accident.
VITAMINS: Tiny facsimiles of cave people Mom forces you to swallow each morning as part of her sinister plot to have you grow up to be "Just like Daddy."
WALLS: Complete set of drawing paper for kids that comes with every room.
WASHING MACHINE: Household appliance used to clean blue jeans, permanent ink markers, loose change, homework,
tissues and wads of gum.
XOXOXOXO: Mom salutation guaranteed to make the already embarrassing note in a kid's lunch box even more mortifying.
YARD SALE: Heart-wrenching emotional process wherein Mom plans to sell kid's outdated toys and clothing that she decides at the last minute are treasured mementos she can't bear to part with.
"YIPPEE!": What Mom would jump up and shout if the school year was changed to 12 months.
ZUCCHINI: Vegetable that can be baked, boiled, fried or steamed before kids refuse to eat it.
With the ‘Matrix Reloaded’ opening today, I found Scott Feschuk’s critique in the National Post on Wednesday somewhat amusing. What can you expect from a summer blockbuster trying to live up to a previous smash hit? He says - more of the same - same people, same action but with even less plot. After the novelty of technique from the original movie wears thin, the once mesmerizing fight scenes seem mundane and the replacement of the actors with computer-generated images is now all too noticeable. In effect, we are watching a video game in which huge strands of code are attempting to beat the other 'ones and zeroes' out of each other. You know the world' must have taken a real downturn when the sole mode of personal expression seems to be your selection of designer sunglasses and Keanu Reeves is regarded as a godlike figure! And of course we can count on Keanu (I believe it's Hawaiian for 'the wind whistling between his ears') to summon up all of his acting abilities in his usual fashion and convey his ‘Neo’ character's emotional state by the precise angle at which he furrows his eyebrows - Less than 15 degrees - Horny; 15 - 30 degrees - Confused; 30 - 45 degrees (what I call 'full Ted mode' - from the movie that made him famous, Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure) Confused as to why he's horny!
Saddam Hussein is hiding in the bushes on the bank of the Tigris when he spots his information minister Muhammad Saeed al-Sahhaf on the other bank. Saddam sees al-Sahhaf raise two fingers in a victory sign so he yells across the river, "Does that mean we won the war?" "Don't be silly!”, Sahhaf yells back, "It means there’s just two of us left."
Poland announced it has sent additional troops to the Gulf to help the coalition forces. Mexico has no idea what to do with them.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does. What do you call a deer with no eyes? No-Eye Deer. What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? Still no eye deer. What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, and no sexual organs? Still no fucking eye deer.
How do you spot a gay Pakistani? He has a red dot on the back of his head.
Did you hear about the new gay website? It's at "C :
Why is a necrophiliac much like a like a fur trapper? They're both hunting for dead beaver.
What do you call a bird that got run over by a lawn mower? Shredded tweet.
How do the little boys at Michael Jackson's ranch know when it is bedtime? When the big hand touches the little hand.
What do you call a gerbil that can't move forward and can't move back? Stuck in Gere!
Isn't it amazing that they had computers way back in the time of Adam and Eve? Eve had an apple, and Adam had a Wang!
A hunter kills a deer and brings it home and decides to clean and serve the venison for supper. He knows his kids are fussy eaters, so he does not tell them what it is. His little boy keeps asking him, "What's for dinner?" "You'll see", says his dad. They start eating dinner and his daughter keeps asking what they're eating. "Ok," says her dad, "here's a hint: Its what your mother sometimes calls me." The girl suddenly screams at her little brother, "Spit it out, quick! It's asshole!"
How the Seven Dwarfs got their names: (The XXX version)Miss Snow White was a randy cowAnd desperate for a fuck,So off she went into the woodsTo try and get some luck.She'd almost given up lookingWhen she saw some chimney smoke,Then she stumbled on the cottageAnd went on in for a poke.Her clothes came off in secondsAnd she'd just removed her pants,When seven dwarves came marching inWith a merry song and dance.Snow White just stood there speechlessAnd thought she was in heaven,Originally after one good shagBut now she could have seven.Straight away she took command"My pussy needs a lick!"And when one dwarf moved forward,She said "You'd better drop your pick"So down he went onto all fours,and said "I ain't licking that","Not there, that is my arse-holeYou DOPEY little brat!"The next dwarf started blushing,"Do we have to do it here?"Snow White said "Don't be BASHFULUnless you're a fucking queer"So reluctantly he whipped it out,To prove he was no fool.And Snow White gave a big "Hi-Ho"As she rode upon his tool.Now one dwarf wasn't smilingCos he hadn't had a sniff,And due to his impatienceHe couldn't raise a stiff."Relax" you GRUMPY bastard",So he did as he was told,And as soon as he was hard enough,He shot his fuckin load.The next dwarf got a blow-job,And she took him deep quite easy,But she just avoided brain-damage,When he sneezed, she called him SNEEZY.With three dwarves left she turned and said,"You're next, I want your knob!"But not sooner had he entered her,And he was sleeping on the job."Wake up you SLEEPY bastard"She wanted more from him,And he woke with such excitement,That he filled her hairy quim.The next dwarf rammed his up her,And shagged her fanny raw,A dazed Snow White them whimpered"That should be against the law."He made poor Snow White tremble,He was so big and thick."No wonder you're so HAPPY,With that fucking great big prick"With one dwarf still remaining,But feeling rather sore,She said, "You'll have to use your tongue,My twat can't take no more!"And so he put his tongue to work,Where others had placed their cocks,And 'cos he made Snow White feel better,She named the last dwarf "DOC".Now Snow White couldn't do much,With all that spadge inside her quim,So she grabbed a cup, and squatted,And filled it to the brim.So there's the truth about the dwarves,And how they got their names,By satisfying Miss Snow White,And joining in her games.There's one more thing you need to know,And that's - What happened to that cup,Well think of what you're drinking,Next time you order 7-Up!
Whether you think you can or whether you think you can't - you're right." --Henry Ford A farmer out working in his field had to pee really bad so he just climbed off his tractor and peed in the clover. As luck would have it, a bee zapped him right on the end of his penis. In the midst of his great pain, he remembered that buttermilk was known to relieve bee stings. He dashed to the house, opened the fridge, poured a glass of buttermilk and stuck in his penis. What a relief! Then he heard a gasp and saw that his 16-year-old daughter was in the doorway, looking wide-eyed at what he was doing! He turned to her and said, "Now don't tell me you've never seen one of these before!" She replied, "Of course I have Daddy. It's just that I've never seen one being reloaded!!”
DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS : Adventurous............Slept with all your mates 40-ish............49 Athletic............No tits Average looking........Face like an arse Beautiful............Pathological liar Contagious smile........Does a lot of pills Educated............Was screwed to bits at university Emotionally secure......On medication Feminist............Fat Free spirit............Junkie Friendship first.........Former slut Fun.................Annoying Gentle.................Dull Good listener..........Autistic New age................Body hair problems Old fashioned..........No BJs or anal Open minded............Desperate Outgoing...............Loud and very embarrassing Passionate.............Sloppy drunk Poet...................Depressive Professional............Bitch Romantic...............Frigid Social.................Crotch like a wizard's sleeve Voluptuous.............Very fat Large lady.............Immensely fat Wants soul mate.........Stalker
Widow..................Murderer. I don't get it. Why are they sending the WHO to all these Asian countries to help deal with the SARS epidemic? Do they know something about Pete Townsend and Roger Daltrey that the rest of us don't know?
WARNING : MORE SARS CASES IN CANADA...It has been confirmed by the South Central Health Foundation in Newfoundland that two residents have been diagnosed with SARS. One poor fellow has a sar elbow and the second a sar knee. Lord tundren gesus b'y, you better be careful.
Did you hear about the blonde that stayed up all night to see where the sun went? It finally dawned on her.
What do you call a group of blondes on roller skates? A mobile sperm bank.
Why do blondes get confused in the bathroom? They have to pull their own pants down.
These two blondes walk into a building. You'd think one of them would have seen it.
Why can't a blondes water ski? Because when they get wet between their legs,
they end up on their back.
Teacher: Who can tell me what the former ruler of Russia was called?
Class: Tsar.
Teacher: Correct; and what was his wife called?
Class: Tsarina.
Teacher: What were the Tsar's children called?
There was a pause, and then a timid voice from the back asked tentatively:
Tsardines?
More Steven Wright:
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?
Does the reverse side also have a reverse side?
Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
Top Ten Southern Commandments(1) Jest one God. (2) Honor yer Ma &Pa. (3) No tellin’ tales or gossipin'. (4) Git yourself tuh Sunday meetin’. (5) Put nothin' before God. (6) No foolin' around with another fella's woman. (7) No killin'...No how. (8) Watch yer mouth. (9) Don't take what ain't yers. (10) Don't be hankerin' for yer buddy's stuff
A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his parishioners. All went well until he came to onehouse. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he had knocked several times. Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back "Revelation 3:20" and stuck it in the door. The next day, as he was counting the offering he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was notation "Genesis 3:10". Revelation 3:20 reads: "Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I willcome in to him, and will dine with him, and he with me." Genesis 3:10 reads: "And he said, I heard thy voice in thegarden, and I was afraid, because I was naked."
Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "You know, sometimes I just forget to eat." Now I've forgotten my name, address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. In my book, you have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.
Mother decided that 10-year-old Susie should get something 'practical' for her birthday. "Suppose we open a savingsaccount for you?" mother suggested. Susie was delighted. "It's your account, darling," mother said as they arrived at the bank, "so you fill out the application." Susie was doing fine until she came to the space for 'Name of your former bank.' After a slight hesitation, she put down 'Piggy.'
Morris and David owned a drugstore. Unfortunately it lit up in flames one night. Very distraught, David called Morris to give him the news and asked him to meet him at the store. Once there, David was pacing and screaming, (he had been taught well by his Jewish Mother). "Morris, Morris, everything is lost! My life! My business! Everything!" Morris stood stoically with his hands in his pockets. David screamed, "Morris, my God what will we do?" Morris stood there with his hands in his pockets. David couldn't stand the silence and blurted out, "Morris I am crazy with grief! I am pulling the hair from my head and you stand there with your hands in your pockets!" Morris looked at David and replied, "David, does it really matter from where you are pulling the hair?"
What happens when you kiss a canary? You get chirpes, it can't be tweeted because its a canarial disease.
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer? Stick it in the microwave until it's Bill Whithers!
A young man named Mike applied for an engineering position at a Newfoundland firm based in St, Johns. A Mainlander applied for the same job and both applicants, having the same qualifications, were asked to take a test by the department manager. Upon completion of the test both men had only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Mike and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the Mainlander the job." "And why would you be doing that?” asked Mike. "We both gat 9 questions correct. This bein The rock and me being a Newfie I should gat the jab!" We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed." "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" "Simple," replied the manager. "On question # 5, the Mainlander put down, 'I don't know.' You put down 'Needer do I.'"
How many ears did Davy Crockett have? Three - his left ear, his right ear, and his wild front ear.
These are all the germ's that you can encounter everyday: (You may never leave the house again after reading this!)
During an hour's swimming at a municipal pool you will ingest 1/12 litre of urine.
In an average day your hands will have come into indirect contact with 15 penises (touching door handles etc.)
An average person's yearly fast food intake will contain 12 pubic hairs.
In a year you will have swallowed 14 insects - while you slept!
Annually you will shake hands with 11 women who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands.
Annually you will shake hands with 6 men who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands.
In a lifetime 22 workmen will have examined the contents of your dirty linen basket.
At an average wedding reception you have a 1/100 chance of getting a cold sore from one of the guests.
Daily you will breath in 1 litre of other peoples' anal gases.
HAVE A GREAT DAY!
What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball? Gagged!
What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A tearjerker.
What do women and milk cartons have in common? . You gotta open the flaps to get to the good stuff.
Define "Egghead " What Mrs. Dumpty gives to Humpty.
Why are cowgirls bowlegged? Cowboys like to eat with their hats on.
Did you hear about the guy who's a dyslexic-bulimic? He eats, and then he sticks his finger up his ass.
A boy walks up to his dad and ask him, "Dad what is that thing between a girls legs that has hair on it?" His dad said, "Well son that is called a vagina." His son thought about that for a minute and then ask, "OK then, what is that little thing that looks like a really small penis in a woman's vagina?" "Well they call that a clitoris son," said the father. "OK dad, just one more question... What is that really smooth piece of skin that is below a woman's vagina?" The boys dad thinks about this for a minute and says, "Well son, I don't know the medical term for it but I just call it a chin rest."
Know why bagpipers walk when they play? They're trying to get away from the noise.
The Vatican has published a dictionary that contains Latin translations for thousands of modern phrases -- from dishwasher to rush hour to organized crime -- that did not exist when the Roman Empire ruled the world. Julius Caesar never talked on a "videophone" or revved his chariot into "overdrive," but those contemporary terms are among nearly 15,000 that now boast a Latin counterpart. The 728-page dictionary, titled ‘Lexicon Recentis Latinitatis’, is the combination of two previously published volumes that the Catholic Church hopes will eventually boost everyday use of the ancient language -- one that many priests no longer understand.
LATIN TRANSLATIONS:
Doping - usus agonisticus medicamenti stupecfactivi
Rush hour - tempus maximae frequentiae
Road map for the Middle East - tabella viarum ad pacem
Interpol - publicae securitatis custos internationalis
Boy scout - puer explorator
Best-seller - liber maxime divenditus
Federal Bureau of Investigation - officium foederatum vestigatorium
Hot dog - pastillum botello fartum
"What we really need is more training in Latin," said Father Reginald Foster, who translates the Pope's documents to English from Latin. "Maybe [the dictionary] will help increase interest in the language, because there are a million things that did not exist then, especially the political jargon." Experts are not as optimistic. Chances this publication becomes a ‘liber maxime divenditus’ or brings Latin back from the dead – not a hopus in hellus!
How would you like to tell people you live in one of these real places?
Arsoli (Lazio, Italy)Bastard (Norway)Beaver (Oklahoma, USA)Beaver Head (Idaho, USA)Chinaman's Knob (Australia)Climax (Colorado, USA)Cornwall, UK)Dildo (Newfoundland, Canada)Dong Rack (Thailand-Cambodia border)Dongo (Congo -Democratic Republic)Donk (Belgium)Fuku (Shensi, China)Fukue (Honshu, Japan)Fukum (Yemen)Hold With Hope (Greenland)Intercourse (Pennsylvania, USA)Lickey End (West Midlands, UK)Lord Berkeley's Knob (Sutherland, Scotland)Middle Intercourse Island (Australia)Muff (Northern Ireland)Nobber (Donegal, Ireland)Pis Pis River (Nicaragua)Sexmoan (Luzon, Philippines)Seymen (Turkey)Shafter (California, USA)Shag Island (Indian Ocean)Shitlingthorpe (Yorkshire, UK)Stains (Near Paris, France)Tittybong (Australia)Turdo (Romania)Twatt (Orkney, UK)Twatt (Shetland, UK)Wankendorf (Schleswig-Holstein, Germany)Wankener (India)Wankie (Zimbabwe)Wankie Colliery (Zimbabwe)Wanks River (Nicaragua)Wet Beaver Creek (Australia)
“Hit Any Key To Flush” by Erik Deckers Bringing new meaning to the slogan "Where would you like to go today?" Microsoft announced their plans to make toilets with web access. I swear I am not making this up. The new web-enabled toilet -- called the iLoo -- is being developed by the MSN division of Microsoft in Britain, where a toilet is called a "loo." The iLoo would be stationed in public toilets at British summer festivals, making its first appearance at the Glastonbury Festival in June. And while some people may appreciate the seamless integration between technology and basic bodily functions, others aren't so wild about it. "iPoo on iLoo" said one computer weblog. The iLoo will have a wireless keyboard and height-adjustable plasma screen in front of the seat so iLoo users can sit and surf at the same time. Will iLoo users be called iLosers? There will also be a Hotmail (MSN's email service) station, complete with waterproof keyboard and plasma screen on the outside for those waiting in line. There was no word whether the keyboard inside the iLoo would be waterproof. MSN UK spokesman Matthew Whittingham called it the first http://www.c/ referring to the European term for toilet: WC, or water closet. MSN UK's marketing manager Tracy Blacher said, "People used to reach for a book or mag(azine) when they were on the loo, but now they'll be logging on." Aside from Blacher's gaffe in mentioning "logging on" when referring to an Internet-based toilet, Microsoft may be taking the whole Internet thing a little too far. "The Internet's so much a part of everyday life now that surfing on the loo was the next natural step," Blacher told reporters. No, the next natural step is to surf the Internet in the car, in a phone booth, or through a cerebral implant lodged firmly in my brain, NOT in the toilet. I can only imagine the planning meetings. Several sleep-deprived MSN executives were sitting around a conference table, trying desperately to come up with a new idea, and discarding the outrageous or impossible ones, like creating an operating system that doesn't freeze up or crash every 30 minutes. Finally, one young executive, eyes bloodshot from lack of sleep, leaps to his feet and shouts "Eureka, I've got it! Let's take a computer and stick it in -- are you ready for this? --a PORT-A-POTTY!!" Sure, it sounds great on paper, but I don't think Microsoft has considered all the drawbacks. For instance, I'm one of those people who absolutely must wash their hands before leaving a bathroom, and I cringe whenever I see someone leave a public restroom without washing first. So I absolutely refuse to the door without using a paper towel. Problem #1 with the iLoo? Hygiene and cleanliness. Unless the iLoo keyboard comes with those disposable plastic covers, I'm not touching a keyboard that hundreds of other users touched after they. . . you know. Call me crazy, but I don't want to use the same computer other iLosers with poor personal hygiene and poor aim have had their germ-infested hands on. MSN officials say they're also trying to get toilet paper imprinted with web addresses for users to visit. This is Problem #2, and it's a two-parter. First, no self-respecting company will pay to advertise on toilet paper. If I were them, I'd be too worried that iLosers will instead use my advertisements to make their feelings known about my company. So, if they're hoping to generate revenue from what will probably be called "iWipe," they'd better not hold their collective breath. Although since the iLoo will be housed in a public Port-A-Potty, maybe they should. Second, if they do get advertisers, it will probably be companies who pay to put their competitor's logos on the toilet paper, relying on the implied message of using that company for bathroom hygiene. If I were a politician, I'd gladly pay to put my opponent's face on a few thousand rolls of toilet paper. While I applaud MSN UK's innovation and attempts to integrate the Internet more fully into our lives, they may be going too far. I'd rather see computer screens on a refrigerator, useful for finding recipes, or maintaining shopping lists. Web-enabled televisions, with the computer processor built right in would be a big seller. Even installing the Internet and a GPS finder in a car is a great idea, as it would make getting lost nearly impossible. But putting the Internet in a bathroom is crossing the line. After all, it's the one place where we should all be unplugged.
Adaptation of the Raven:
Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary,
System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor,
Longing for the warmth of bed sheets, still I sat there, doing spreadsheets:
Having reached the bottom line, I took a floppy from the drawer.
Typing with a steady hand, I then invoked the SAVE command
But got instead a reprimand: it read, "Abort, Retry, Ignore."
Was this some occult illusion? some maniacal intrusion?These were choices Solomon himself had never faced before.Carefully, I weighed my options. These three seemed to be the top ones.
Clearly I must now adopt one - Choose: "Abort, Retry, Ignore."
With my fingers pale and trembling, slowly toward the keyboard bending,
Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored,
Praying for some guarantee Finally I pressed a key –
But on the screen what did I see? Again: "Abort, Retry, Ignore."
I tried to catch the chips off-guard - I pressed again, but twice as hard.
Luck was just not in the cards, I saw what I had seen before.
Now I typed in desperation, Trying random combinations.
Still there came the incantation - Choose: "Abort, Retry, Ignore."
There I saw, distraught, exhausted, by my own machine accosted;
Getting up, I turned away and paced across the office floor.
And then I saw an awful sight, A bold and blinding flash of light,
A lightning bolt that cut the night and shook me to my very core.
The PC screen collapsed and died, "Oh no - my database", I cried!
I thought I heard a voice reply, "You'll see your data-Nevermore!"
To this day I do not know The place to which our data goes
Perhaps it goes to Heaven where the angels have it stored.
But as for productivity - well, I fear it has gone straight to Hell.
And that's the tale I have to tell - Your choice:"Abort, Retry, Ignore."
-- Decidedly NOT Edgar Allen Poe
According to Frank Sinatra's assistant, he was SO large he needed custom-made underpants in order to hide it from view. The Sun came up with the Top-10 Frank Sinatra songs in his penis' honour:10 Frank swingers1. Come Flies With Me 2. I've Got Huge Under My Skin 3. Something Stupendous 4. Strained 'er In The Night 5. That Old Whack Magic 6. My Kind of Gown (sheer cargo is) 7. Three Loins In A Fountain 8. Size And Dolls 9. New Pork, New Pork 10. One Foot For My Baby
One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the deviant behavior going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out. So He called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time. When he returned, he told God, Yes, it is bad on Earth: 95% are misbehaving and 5% are not. God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get a second opinion." So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time too. When the angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes, the Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are being good." God was not pleased. So God decided to E-mail the 5% that were good because He wanted to encourage them. Give them a little something to help them keep going. Do you know what that E-mail said? No? I didn't get one either.
What do you call kinky sex with chocolate? S&M&M.
There was an old man from Bangkok, Whose dick was as hard as a rock, The day came, he died, And they say its no lie, That the man died, but his hard on did not.
I don't need beauty sleep, I need a coma.
What’s the difference between hard and dark? It stays dark all night!
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex and so she consulted the family doctor. The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms. Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman summoned up all of her nerve, told her daughter of her concern and handed her a box of condoms. The girl started to laugh and reached over to hug her mother saying, "Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!"
I was out walking with my then - year-old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I asked her not to do that. "Why?" "Because it's been laying outside and is dirty and probably has germs." At this point, she looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Wow! How do you know all this stuff?" "Uh," (I was thinking quickly, everyone knows this stuff) "Um, it's on the mommy test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a mommy. "Oh." We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information. "I get it!" she beamed. "Then if you flunk, you have to be the daddy."
Bob wasn't too happy with his doctor's recommendation to cure his constant fatigue. "You want me to give up sex completely, Doc?" he cried. "I'm a young guy. I'm in the prime of my life. How do you expect me to give up sex and go cold turkey?" "Well," replied the doctor, "you could get married and taper off gradually."
Dov, a Jewish actor, is so down and out he's ready to take any acting gig that he can find. Finally he gets a lead, a classified ad that says: "Actor needed to play Ape." "I could do that," says Dov. To his surprise, the employer turns out to be the local zoo. Owing to mismanagement, the zoo has spent so much money renovating the grounds and improving the habitat, that they can no longer afford to import the ape they needed to replace their recently deceased one. So until they can, they'll put an actor in an ape suit. Out of desperation, Dov accepts the offer. At first, his conscience keeps nagging him, that he is being dishonest by fooling the zoo-goers. And Dov feels undignified in the ape-suit, stared at by crowds who watch his every move. But after a few days on the job, he begins to be amused by all the attention, and starts to put on a show for the zoo-goers: hanging upside-down from the branches by his legs, swinging about on the vines, climbing up the cage walls, and roaring with all his might whilst beating his chest. Soon, he's drawing a sizable crowd. One day, when Dov is swinging on the vines to show off to a group of school kids, his hand slips, and he goes flying over the fence into the neighboring cage, the lion's den. Terrified, Dov backs up as far from the approaching lion as he can, covers his eyes with his paws, and prays at the top of his lungs, "Shma Yisrael Adonai Eloheinu Ad-nai Echad!" The lion opens its powerful jaws and roars, "Baruch Shem K'vod Malchuto L'olam Va'ed!" From a nearby cage, a panda yells, "Shut up, you schmucks. You'll get us all fired!!!"
There was a Bar Mitzvah boy known for his lack of studies. He chanted his portion as best he could with the minimum of preparation. Afterwards, he received the usual Kiddush Cup and Bible from the congregation, but then the rabbi added a special gift. He said, "You have received many gifts today, many treasures of Judaism in book form, that will enrich your life and make it holy.......and now for my own special gift to you", with that he pulled out an umbrella, from behind the lectern and told the boy, who had become a man, in the previous half hour, "I present you this umbrella because I want to give you at least one gift that there’s a good chance you’ll open!" In a recent survey, 18% of married people say they've flirted with someone other than their spouse in the last month. 17% offered to give more information to the survey taker...over dinner and a few drinks. A sloth named Herman is walking through the forest one day. A gang of snails approach him and beat him up for 7 hours. He is left at the bottom of a tree with several cuts and bruises. Several hours later, he gathers up enough strength to go to a local police station. Herman walks into the Sergeant's office. "What happened to you? the officer asks. "A gang of snails beat me up," Herman replied. "Can you describe what they looked like?" "I don't know," the sloth says. "It all happened so fast." - A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but won't cross the street to vote in a national election.- We're the country that has more food to eat than any other country in the world, and with more diets to keep us from eating it.- We yell for the Government to balance the budget, then take the last dime we have to make the down payment on a car that will take 5 years to pay off.- We demand speed laws that will stop fast driving, then won't buy a car if it can't go over 100 miles an hour.- We know the lineup of every baseball team in the American and National Leagues but mumble through half the words in the "Star Spangled Banner."- We'll spend half a day looking for vitamin pills to make us live longer, then drive 80 miles an hour on slick pavement to make up for lost time.- We tie up our dog while letting our sixteen year old son run wild.- We will work hard on a farm so we can move into town... where we can make more money so we can move back to the farm.- We get upset we're spending over a billion dollars for education, but spend three billion dollars a year for cigarettes.- In the office we talk about baseball, shopping or fishing, but when we're out at the game, the mall or on the lake, we talk about business.- We're supposed to be the most civilized nation on earth, but we still deliver payrolls in armored cars.- We have more experts on marriage than any other country in the world... and still have more divorces.- We applaud our free press even when they convict innocent people in print.- Our laws are like a spider's web, designed to catch the common fly... but seldom holds the hornet. Did you hear about the new Greek tampon? It's called "Abzorba the Leak." "The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources." - Albert Einstein Albert Einstein married his cousin. He had tried to date outside his family circle, but he never found any of the other women appealing, especially in the boob department-that weren't within his familial group. He postulated that there is a special attraction to women in one's own family in his Theory of Relative Titty. I saw a sign at a gas station. It said, "Help wanted." There was another sign below it that said "self-service." So I hired myself. Pumped my gas. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit. Drinking two glasses of Gatorade can relieve headache pain almost immediately - without the unpleasant side effects caused by traditional pain relievers. There once was a girl from Nantucket Who rode to Hell in a bucket, But when she got there They asked for her fare, So she pulled up her skirt and said, "Fuck it!" Things on the love landscape sure have changed over the years...SAMPLE OF A MODERN LOVE LETTERDearest Samantha, I am very happy to inform you that I have fallen in love with you since Tuesday, the 17th of August 2001. With reference to the meeting held between us on the 17th of August 2001 at 1500 hours, I would like to present myself as a prospective lover. Our love affair would be on probation for a period of no less than three months and depending on compatibility, would be made permanent. Of course, upon completion of probation, there will be continuous relationship training and relationship appraisal schemes leading up to promotion from lover to spouse. The expenses incurred for coffee and entertainment would initially be shared equally between us. Later, based on your performance, I might take up a larger share of the expenses. However I am broad-minded enough, to be taken care of, on your expense account. I request you to kindly respond within 30 days of receiving this letter, failing which, this offer would be canceled without further notice and I shall be considering someone else. I would be happy, if you could forward this letter to your sister, if you do not wish to take up this offer.Thanking you in anticipation.Yours sincerely, Max MODERN REPLY TO MODERN LOVE LETTERDear Max, Please refer to your letter dated today. I am pleased to inform you that I hope to accept your proposal for romance. However, you should be informed that there are certain conditions of acceptance. Promotional prospects are to my satisfaction. However, please enlighten me as to your retirement benefits. Gratuity should be generous. I also need to be assured that there is sufficient security with regards to this commitment. If there is any chance at all of retrenchment or consequent disinterest on your part, then I should receive monetary compensation according to union standards. Due to the nature of my position, I am sure you will agree that an expense account should be arranged for my access in light of the 'VIP'. I shall be entertaining. In addition, housing and transport allowances should be in order and nothing less than a Jaguar is in order. Please also note that there should be no moonlighting restrictions placed on myself. If you are still interested in the relationship, please reply on an urgent basis as other prospective lovers have sent indications of interest. Please also note that my sister is happily employed.Yours perhaps, Samantha! The Top 14 Signs You're Dead14 Goth chicks are diggin' your look.13 "Weekend at Bernie's" just isn't as funny as it used to be.12 Only necrophiliacs answer your personal ad.11 A federal agent is prying your gun from your cold hands.10 Last thing you remember is beaming down to that planet in your red security uniform.9 An announcer screams, "The Cubs win the World Series!"8 Haley Joel Osment has been following you all day saying, "I see... you."7 You're the rankest smelling thing in a Parisian cheese shop.6 You have a vague recollection of saying, "Watch this! I saw it on 'Jackass'!"5 Your entrepreneurial son opens you up as a bait shop.4 Overwhelming desire to feast on the flesh of the living. (Also a sign you may be Don King.)3 You're one of the *thin* Kennedys.2 Anna Nicole Smith is hugging, crying, and kissing you as never before.and the Number 1 Sign You're Dead...1 Album sales up 35%!
Wouldn't it be nice to tell the Dean of your college what you REALLY think about him/her?Well,... if you like YOUR Dean as much as I like MY Dean, then you'd better keep your mouth shut. I knew I'd get kicked out of the college if I expressed my true feelings, so I remained silent for the last four years. But yesterday was my graduation. And as I walked across the stage, the Dean handed my diploma to me (nicely scrolled and tied with aribbon). Once she handed it to me, I could finally tell that bitch what I REALLY thought about her. So I leaned across her podium and I looked her straight in the eye. "Hey Bitch," I said. "You're so damn ugly... you could practice birth control just by leaving the lights on!" And then I walked off the stage, and went home. I gotta tell you that it felt just as good as I had imagined it would for the last four years. Today, I unwrapped my diploma, framed it, and hung it in the living room, where it proudly exclaims to the world: "In order to receive your diploma, please present this certificate to the Dean of your college after final grades have been posted!"
A Mid East Solution at last! Finally - the perfect solution for the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. Since the Palestinians want a homeland and it doesn't seem that chopping Israel up even smaller than it already is, is a satisfactory solution. Let's give France to the Palestinians! The French have already stated that nothing is worth fighting for. Besides, France has better irrigation and soil than the West Bank and Gaza strip. It's the perfect solution. The French won't even fight back. And how about a new name for this Franco-Palestine? How about Frankenstine?
Did you hear about the easy-going guy who mixed Viagra and Rogaine? Now he’s "hard-headed."
"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's not unusual."
Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!"
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A f sh.
Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says "dam"
An older couple with a son still living with them were a little worried that he was still unable to decide about his career path, so they decided to do a small test. They took a ten-dollar bill, a Bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the front hall table and hid in a closet, hoping he would think they weren't at home. The father told the mother, "If he takes the money, he will be a businessman; if he takes the Bible, he will be a priest; but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will be a drunkard." They waited nervously, peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive home. He saw the note they had left, saying they'd be home later. Then, he took the 10-dollar bill, looked at it against the light, and took it. Then he picked up the Bible, flicked through it, and took it also. Finally, he grabbed the bottle, opened it, and took an appreciative whiff to be assured of the quality, then he left for his room carrying all the three items. The father slapped his forehead, and said, "Damn! It's even worse than I ever imagined. He's gonna be a politician!"
"I don't have an hourglass figure. I have an hour and a half. I have a little too much time on my ass." -Wendy Liebman
When a husband came home from work, he found his blonde wife just jumping for joy. She said, "I have some really great news for you! I’m pregnant!” He was ecstatic and hugged and kissed her. Then she said, "Oh, honey, there's more! We are going to have TWINS!" Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, he asked her how she knew. She said, "Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and bought the twin pack home pregnancy test kit and BOTH tests came out positive!"
When Zsa Zsa Gabor appeared on The Late Show, she brought onstage with her, her large purebred cat. During the entire interview, whenever Johnny tried to change the subject, she kept going back to discussing the cat. Johnny was getting justa bit frustrated. Finally, Zsa Zsa gave him his opening. She asked him, "Would you like to pet my pussy?"
To which he, of course, replied, "Sure, just get that stupid cat out of the way."
A happily married man had only one complaint - his wife was always nursing sick birds. One November evening, he came home to find a raven with a splint on its beak sitting in his favourite chair. On the dining room table there was a feverish eagle pecking at an aspirin while in the kitchen his wife was comforting a shivering little wren that she found in the snow.
The furious spouse strode over to where his wife was toweling down the cold little bird. "I can't take it any more! We've
got to get rid of all of these damn..." The wife held up her hand to cut him off in mid-curse. "Please Dear," she said, "Not in front of the chilled wren."
Someone asked Ellen DeGeneres why she always wears pants and never skirts. She replied, ”I had both of my legs completely tattooed with designs of bougainvillea. Now, if I wear a skirt, I am constantly bothered by bees.”
I've had this odd feeling for a little while. Not funny "ha-ha", but funny strange. It's a surrealistically subconscious feeling that I was abducted by aliens and thoroughly probed. Then a friend of mine told me they got me really drunk and dropped me off at a gay bar. The bastards. The nice thing about being a celebrity is that when you bore people, they think it's their fault. - Henry Kissinger Dear Tide,I'm writing to say what an excellent product you have. I've used it since the beginning of married life, when my mom told me it was the best. In fact, about a month ago, while at my mother-in-law's house, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. She started to berate me about my drinking problem. One thing lead to another and I ended up with a lot of her blood on my white blouse, as well. I tried to get the stain out using her bargain detergent, but it just wouldn't come out. On my way home, I stopped and got a bottle of liquid Tide with bleach alternative, and all of the stains came out! They came out so well, in fact, that the DNA tests were negative!Thank you, once again, for a great product.Well, gotta go, I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people.Tony Soprano Two guys are walking down the street and one is telling the other how he hates Italians, but when they turn the corner there is an Italian organ grinder with a little monkey holding a tin cup. The guy who hates Italians puts some coins in the monkey's cup. When they walk away his friend says, "I thought you hated Italians, yet you gave him money?" And he answers, "Yes, but they are so cute when they're little." A guy got a credit card bill stating that he owed $0.00. He ignored it and threw it away. Next month he got another, did the same thing. The next month they sent him a very nasty note stating they were going to cancel his credit card if he didn't send them $0.00. He called them, talked to them, they said it was "a glitch" and told him they'd take care of it. The following month he tried to charge something and couldn't. He called the credit card company who again said they'd take care of it. The next day he got his bill for $0.00 stating that he was very delinquent. The man figured the credit card company would take care of it, so he didn't worry. The next month he got a bill for $0.00 stating that he had 10 days to pay or his account was going to collection. He mailed the credit card company a check for $0.00, and the credit card company's computer processed it, noting that his account was now paid in full. A week later, the man's bank called him asking him what he was doing writing a check for $0.00. He explained and they said, "Well, your $0.00 check has caused our check processing software to fail. We now can't process ANY of our checks from that day electronically because that $0.00 check is causing the program to abort." The man, who had been considering buying his wife a computer for her birthday, bought her a typewriter instead.
The traveling salesman knocks on the farmer's door, and asks if he can spend the night. The farmer says, "Sure, but you'll have to sleep with my dog." The salesman says, "Ain't that a bitch? The farmer says, "No, it's a male." The salesman says, "DAMN, I really am in the wrong joke."
An older man was sunbathing in the nude, when a wasp stung him on the penis. He went to his doctor and pleaded, "Please can you remove the sting, Doctor …but don't do anything about the swelling."
One clear autumn day, my daughter and I were watching skywriters advertise the opening of a new store in our area. Five planes, flying in perfect formation, spelled out the name, then flew out of sight. Right behind was another plane, flying alone. "What's that plane doing?" my daughter asked. Tongue firmly in cheek, I replied, "Spell check."
How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teen-ager who wants to stay out all night?
Just when you lost faith in human kindness: Someone who teaches at a Middle School in Safety Harbor, Florida forwarded the following letter. The letter was sent to the principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheonfor the elderly. An old lady, named Edna, received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize, and was writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to all human kind. Forward to anyone you know who might need a lift today!Dear Safety Harbor Middle School,God blesses you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Safety Harbor Assisted Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping. The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I said ‘fuck you’.Life is good.Sincerely,Edna
Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project - an action docudrama about famous composers starring top movie stars. Sylvester Stallone, Steven Segal, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger were all present at the initial casting sessions and Spielberg strongly desired the box office 'oomph' of these action superstars. So much so he was prepared to allow them to select whatever composers they would portray, as long as they were very famous "Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him." "Chopin has always been my favourite, and my image would improve ten-fold if people saw me playing the piano" said Willis. "I'll play him." "I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," said Segal. "I'd like to play him." Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "Sounds splendid," he said, "I'm very pleased with these choices" Then looking at Schwarzenegger, he asked, "So who do you want to be, Arnold?" And Arnold says, (wait for it)…………."I'll be Bach!" A group of animals is what?- A bike of wasps (Now you know that's gotta hurt!!) - A fall of woodcocks (is this what happens when men first wake up and see a picture of Dr. Ruth??) - A trip of wildfowl (is this a foul, ya know..that they tripped?) - A turn of Turtles (this sounds like traffic congestion time!) - A posse of Turkeys (Whoaaaa quaking in my boots here. Hope they don't catch me and string me up!) - A leash of Trout (ok..who's walking the trout tonight??)- A team of Swans (betcha Notradam wins!) ;O) - A gulp of Swallows (I'm sorry..this one's self explanatory!) - A knot of snakes (Ya know..if they were in a knot..I wouldn't worry!)- A walk of snails (um..they making fun of how snails move here??) - A fold of sheep (sounds painful for the sheep!)- A crash of Rhinoceros (this sounds more like what they do then how many there are of them!)- A Unkindness of Ravens (sheesh..ever since that Evermore thing...)- A jug of Quail (Liquified...ewwwwwwww)- A clam of oysters (ok..this one is definitely odd and I bet the oysters are ticked!) - A harvest of mice (ok..who's harvesting them..and more importantly dang it..who keeps planting them??)- A leap of Leopards (Um...ok..sounds like you shouldn't look first!) - A smuck of Jellyfish (Think this is where smuckers got its name??)- A battery of hens (Ok..who was in the hen house with the baseball bat??)- A troubling of Goldfish (hmmm what could trouble them?? I heard they had a 3 second memory..Ohhhh that's probably what troubles them huh!?)- An army of Frogs (Is this where our military got the idea for green fatigues??) - A cast of Fish (the broadway play that followed Cats..hmmmm or did it play before..once!?)- A cast of Crabs (this also bombed on broadway)- A draft of Cattle (sure eases the pressure on 18 year olds huh)- A sounder of boars (dang..need one of these at parties..whoaa hide they sounded a bore's here!)- A raft of Auks (sounds like what you get from your parents when you break curfew!) Speaking of animals, did you hear about the elephant meeting a camel. He asked "Why do you have your breasts on your back?" The indignant camel retorts, "What a dumb question from someone with a dick on his face." And still in the animal kingdom, a bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss he beats it to death with a spade. Realising his boss wont be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything. Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything. He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure. He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lions cage because lions eat anything. Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like here?" The lions say: "Absolutely brilliant. Today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees."
Semper animalia, did you know that turtles can breathe through their butts. And you thought you had a problem with bad breath!
Fad Diets "The two biggest sellers in any bookstore are the cookbooks and the diet books. The cookbooks tell you how to prepare the food and the diet books tell you how not to eat any of it." - Andy Rooney "To lengthen thy Life, lessen thy meals." - Benjamin Franklin "You can't lose weight without exercise. But I've got a philosophy about exercise. I don't think you should punish your legs for something your mouth did. Drag your lips around the block once or twice." - Gwen Owen "When I buy cookies I just eat four and throw the rest away. But first I spray them with Raid so I won't dig them out of the garbage later. Be careful, though, because that Raid really doesn't taste that bad." - Janette Barber "I've decided that perhaps I'm bulimic and just keep forgetting to purge." - Paula Poundstone "Old people shouldn't eat health food. They need all the preservatives they can get." - Robert Orben "You do live longer with bran but you spend the last fifteen years on the toilet." - Alan King Do you know how to get a Redneck woman out of her mobile home? Grease her hips, and throw a pack of Twinkies in the front yard. Mans Errors (and length of time until you can expect to get any):
- Giggling at her for getting misty at the end of a chick flick. -4 days
- Using any expression other than making love to refer to sex. -4 days
- Tone of voice that she doesn't like while talking about her mother -5 days
- Actually saying no you don't want to go when she says.."It's okay if you don't want to go". -6 days
- Shushing her during ESPN SportsCenter. -8 days.
- Not allowing her to watch Judging Amy because there's a Three Stooges marathon on AMC. -3 days
- Bringing up the possibility of a threesome...With her friend - 2 days; With her sister - 19 days; With her mom - 6 months
- Shrugging your shoulders and grunting when she asks how the makeup she just spent 11/2 hours putting on looks. -2 days
- Showing up 1/2 hour late because there was a really cool police chase on TV. -3 days
- Not answering quickly or vehemently enough when she asks you if you would ever cheat on you. -12 days
- Accusing her of having PMS; when she doesn't -8 days; when she does -12 days
- Failing to be serious about a relationship quiz in Cosmopolitan. -4 days
- Casually remarking that if she decided she wanted a boob job you'd be willing to pay for it. -6 days
These days we are all some what caught in an "Internet lifestyle," so here are some things you can do in the horrific event your ISP goes down...1. Dial 911 immediately. 2. Open the curtains to see if anything has changed over the past 2 years. 3. You mean there's something else to do? 4. Threaten your ISP with an impeachment vote. 5. Work. 6. Re-introduce yourself to your immediate family. 7. Get that kidney transplant you've been putting off.8. See if your eyes can still focus to distances further than 3 feet.9. Get ass groove in chair fixed at store.10. Tylenol... Tylenol! Where the hell is the Tylenol!11. Do shopping with clothes on.12. Check your mailbox every 15 minutes.
DATING VERSES MARRIED When you are dating - Farting is never an issue.When you are married - You make sure there's nothing flammable near your husband at all times.When you are dating- He takes you out to have a good time.When you are married - He brings home a 6 pack, and says, "What are you going to drink?" When you are dating - He holds your hand in public.When you are married - He flicks your ear in public. When you are dating - A Single bed for 2 isn't THAT bad.When you are married - A King size bed feels like an army cot. When you are dating - You are turned on at the sight of him naked.When you are married - You think to yourself...."Was he ALWAYS this hairy????" When you are dating - You enjoyed foreplay.When you are married - You tell him "If we have sex, will you leave me alone???" When you are dating - He hugs you, when he walks by you ...or no reason.When you are married - He grabs your boob any chance he gets. When you are dating - You picture the two of you together, growing old together.When you are married - You wonder who will die first. When you are dating - Just looking at him makes you feel all "mushy".When you are married - When you look at him, you want to claw his eyes out. When you are dating - He knows what the "hamper" is.When you are married - The floor will suffice as a dirty clothes storage area. When you are dating - He understands if you "aren't in the mood".When you are married- -He says "It's your job." When you are dating - He understands that you have "male" friends.When you are married - He thinks they are all out to steal you away.
When you are dating - He likes to "discuss" things.When you are married - He develops a "blank" stare. When you are dating - He calls you by name.When you are married - He calls you "Hey" and refers to you when speaking to others as "She." How does a man keep his youth? By giving her money, furs and diamonds.
Who is the poorest guy in West Virginia? The Tooth Fairy
As an inebriated Newfie staggers out of the bar one Friday evening, a fire engine races past, siren wailing and lights flashing. Immediately, the fellow starts chasing the engine, running as fast as he can until eventually he collapses, gasping for breath. In a last act of desperation he shouts after the fire engine, "If that's the way you want it, you can keep your fucking ice cream!"
"Top 13 X-Rated Game Shows!"
13. The Dong Show
12. The Snatch Game
11. Twat's My Line
10. You Don't Know Jacking Off
9. Beat the Cock
8. Tit Twat Ho
7. Family Spooge
6. Win, Lose or Swallow
5. Cuntcentration
4. Who Wants to BJ a Millionaire?
3. Name That Poon
2. Win Ben Stein Money Shot
and the Number 1 X-Rated Sex Game Show
1. Wheel of Foreskin
On a foggy night in London Town two Japanese tourists meet in a bar. "So what part of Japan you from?" asks the first one. "Me? I'm from Tokyo" replies the other one. "Me too. What kind of business you in?" "I work in rocal government."
"There's a coincidence. So do I. What branch of rocal government?" "Sanitation Department, actuarry." "How 'bout that! I'm in sanitation department too! Where do you work?" "As a matter of fact, in the sewers." "Brow me down! I work in the sewers too! How come we both Japanese, both come from Tokyo, both work in Sanitation Department, both work in sewers, and yet we only meet when we come on vacation to Rondon?" "I don't know", says the other one. "I guess we must just be two Nips that pass in the shite." Two lawyers went into a diner and ordered two drinks, took sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat. The owner marched over and told them, "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!” So the lawyers looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and exchanged sandwiches.
I’m just starting to get the hang of those acronyms (if you use them at the wrong time do they become anacronyms?) that have come into frequent use because of our busy lifestyles and ICQ and pagers - like BTW for "by the way" ,LOL for"laughing out loud." and FYI for "Fuck You, Idiot!"
I saw a complete computer geek with a really hot date so I pulled him aside and asked him what kind of line he had used to pick her up. Ever the geek, he naively replied," I just used a regular 56K modem." Top 20 Euphemisms for Penis Enlargement Surgery
20. Genetalial Pinocchiotomy
19. Expanding Drilling Operations in Your Wildlife Preserve
18. Doubling the Interest Rate on Your Mutual Fun
17. Peter Padding
16. Plumping the Ball Park Frank
15. Expanding Your "Top 5" to a "Top 9"
14. Replacing Richard II with Richard III
13. Putting the Archbishop on the Rack
12. Puffin' the Magic Dragon
11. Supersizing Big Mac
10. Adding a Wing to the Sexual Addiction Unit
9. Putting the Munchkin on Stilts
8. Kicking the Cajun Sausage Up a Notch
7. Trading in the Escort for a Stretch Limo
6. Getting a Magic Johnson
5. Preparing to Boldly Go Where No Manhood has Gone Before
4. Feeding Mowgli to Kaa
3. Turning Crouching Tiger into Hidden Dragon
2. Upgrading Passenger Johnson to First Class
1. Taking the Train from Vienna to Frankfurt
A thrifty young chap named Bill Beebee
Was in love with a lady named Phoebe
But he said, “I must see
What the clerical fee
Be before Phoebe be Phoebe Beebee.”
To realize
The value of a sister
Ask someone
Who doesn't have one.
To realize
The value of ten years:
Ask a newly
Divorced couple.
To realize
The value of four years:
Ask a graduate.
To realize
The value of one year:
Ask a student who
Has failed a final exam.
To realize
The value of one month:
Ask a mother who has given birth to a premature baby.
To realize
The value of one week:
Ask an editor of a weekly newspaper.
To realize
The value of one hour:
Ask the lovers who are waiting to meet.
To realize
The value of one minute:
Ask a person who has missed the train, bus or plane.
To realize
The value of one-second:
Ask a person who has survived an accident.
To realize
The value of one millisecond:
Ask the person who has won a silver medal in the Olympics.
Time waits for no one. Treasure every moment you have.
You will treasure it even more when you can share it with someone special.
To realize the value of a friend:
Lose one.
Flush with the success of its latest creation, CBS is launching a new version, called Jewish Survivor. Sixteen Jews are put in a two-bedroom co-op on the Upper West Side of New York. Each week they vote out one member until there is a finalsurvivor who gets $1 million (but placed into a trust that does not vest until age 59).The Rules: 1. No maid service. 2. No use of ATMs or credit cards. 3. No food from take-out or delivery, which includes Chinese food. 4. All purchases must be retail. 5. No calls to mother for women, office for men. 6. Outside trips must be by foot, bus or subway - no limos or cabs. 7. All workouts/exercise must be done in regular sweats - no designer labels. 8. Zabars is off limits. 9. No Jewish geography. 10. No, NY Times. Only, NY Post or NY Daily News. 11. No Pottery Barn, J. Crew, Lands End or William Sonoma catalogs. 12. Only one phone line for all 16 Tribe members. No call can last more than 3 minutes. No cell phones. 13. Maintenance problems must be resolved by the Tribe, without help from any gentile. 14. All therapy sessions suspended. 15. No consulting with attorneys. 16. No facials or massages. 17. No dating non-Jews.There have been no applicants as yet.
Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer, when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip-board and yelling, "You Sign! You sign!" Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got the wrong man," and shuts the door in his face. The next day the same little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!" Mr. Mandela is getting a little ticked by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back, shouting: "Look, go away! You've got the wrong man! I don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his face again.The following day, the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting, "You sign! You sign!" Behind him are two very large trucks full of car parts. This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him: "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?" The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:
(wait for it)
(Get your best Chinese accent ready)
"You not Nissan Main Dealer?!"
Revisiting some musings on the subject of ‘Drink’:
Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver." Jack Handy
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day." Frank Sinatra
"An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk in order to spend time with his friends." Ernest Hemingway
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." Henny Youngman
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not." Stephen Wright
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!" Brian O'Rourke
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." Benjamin Franklin
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza." Dave Barry
BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 B.C.!!! "Genesis"
Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser.
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group.
And, saving the best for last, a brilliant didactic and flight of logic from Cliff Clavin. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went: "Well ya see, Norm, it's like this...A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. "In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
Adult contemporary singing ‘legend’ Barry Manilow walked into a wall at his home last week, shattering all the cartilage in that famous, sharkfin-sized nose of his. At first I felt kind of sorry for Manilow, but when I heard that he was hard at work on a Rosemary Clooney tribute album featuring Bette Midler at the time, I realized Barry was merely reaping the karmic whirlwind.
After reviewing the evidence against her and comparing it to what has gone down the pipe with other notables in recent months, I’ve come to the conclusion that the two biggest mistakes Martha Stewart made in her Imclone stock dump were 1) being born without a penis, and 2) making donations to the wrong political party Something really stinks here and it ain’t all those colour-coordinated decorative scented candles either.
Speaking of stink, Gomer and Cletus are sitting in a ditch in the hot afternoon. Gomer holds something up in his hands and asks: "Hey Cletus! Do you think this is shit or clay?" Cletus takes it, puts it in his mouth, chews on it for a while before answering: "That there is shit, Gomer!" "I figured it had to be," Gomer replies. "How in the world could clay have gotten into my underpants?!"
There was a young artist called Saint,
Who swallowed some samples of paint;
All shades of the spectrum
Flowed out of his rectum
With a colourful lack of restraint.
The golden years are really just metallic years, gold in the tooth, silver in your hair, and lead in the rear. The judge was very stern with the woman. "You mean you knew this man was a burglar when you married him?" "Yes," she replied. "I wasn't getting any younger and I had to choose between a burglar and a lawyer."
One-Liners for Women:
I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
A hard-on does not count as personal growth.
If I throw a stick, will you leave?
Do I look like a fucking people person?
Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
See no evil, hear no evil, and date no evil.
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
What ever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
I am doing my best to imagine you with a personality.
Okay, okay I take it back. Un-Fuck you!
Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
And which dwarf are you?
Hypothetical Marriages: (some may be ‘high pathetical’!)
If Bo Derek married Don Ho she’d be Bo Ho.
If Yoko Ono had married Sonny Bono, she'd be Yoko Ono Bono.
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader, she'd be Ella Vader. ("Going up?")
If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she'd be Oprah Chopra.
If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg, he'd be Cat Doggy Dogg.
If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to marry Elton John, she'd be Olivia Newton-John Newton John. If Sondra Locke had married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster, she'd become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.
If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting. If Tuesday Weld married Hal March III, she'd be Tuesday March 3.
If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and married Jerry Mathers, she'd be Liv Ito Beaver.
If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he'd be Snoop Doggy Dogg Pooh.
How about a baseball marriage? If Boog Powell married Felipe Alou, he'd be Boog Alou.
If G. Gordon Liddy married Boutros-Boutros Ghali, then divorced him to marry Kenny G., he'd be G. Ghali G.
Nog (Related to Quark on "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine") has no other name, so he uses it twice when getting a marriage license. If he married Howard Hughes, and then Pamela Dare, he'd be Nog Nog Hughes Dare.
If Jack Handy (SNL writer) married Andy Capp, then married Jack Paar, then moved on to Stephen King, he'd be Jack Handy Capp Paar King.
If Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, divorced her and married Gregory Peck, divorced him and married Ben Hur, he'd be Woody Wood Peck Hur.
If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), King Oscar (of Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM), and Norbert Wiener (mathematician), she would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener.
A guy goes inside the confessional and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." "What did you do, my son?" asked the priest. "Last night I was walking along the beach and I decided to explore a cave near the shore. When I turned on my flashlight, I saw two men having sex and I stayed for a while to watch." "Oh, so you were the jerk with the flashlight!”
A fight broke out between a couple of redneck locals and a lone biker at closing time in the local watering hole. After easily laying out the drunken hillbillies, the biker heard someone behind him! So he swung around and landed adevastating kick to the groin, realizing too late that it was only the barmaid picking up empty glasses. When the case went to court, the judge asked, "Are you the woman alleging she was kicked in the altercation?" She answered, "I ain't never had no altercation! These is all my 'riginal parts."
Max Levy goes to his doctor complaining of aches and pains all over his body. After a thorough examination, the doctor gives him a clean bill of health. "Max, you're in excellent shape for an 85 year old man. But I'm not a magician - I can't make you any younger", says the doctor. "Who asked you to make me younger?" says Max. "Just make sure I get older!" An elderly couple is sitting together watching television. During one of the commercials, the husband asked his wife, "Whatever happened to our sexual relations?" After a long thoughtful silence, the wife replied during the next commercial. "You know, I don't know. I don't even think we got a Christmas card from them this year!" A fly was eating in a restaurant when he called the waiter over. "My food tastes like shit!" he said to the waiter. "Thank you sir! I'll pass your compliments on to the chef." If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws. I asked my hair stylist, "My hair is falling out. What can I use to keep it in?" she replied, "How about a shoebox?"
Things NOT to say while visiting a foreign country:IRELAND - "Are you magically delicious or just angry and drunk? This beer is black- did a leprechaun crap in it?" FRANCE - "Can I get a side of Freedom Fries with that? Aren't the French just Germans who can make sauces?" ITALY - "Is the Pope Polish? Does he have super powers like Jesus? I could sure go for a can of Spaghetti-O's! " POLAND - "Do you hire foreigners to screw in your light bulbs?" GERMANY - "Is this bratwurst kosher?" TURKEY - "Where's the hash at? It's cool to recreationally slaughter Kurds?" KOREA - "Can you watch my puppy for a minute, or must you people deep fry him?" CHINA - "This wall isn't so great." SWEDEN - "Do you have any normal meatballs? Want to hear a dumb blonde joke?" YEMEN - "Yemen? That's a stupid name for a country. What's it mean -- 'Land Of Fanatics And Dust' ?" INDIA - "You don't live in teepees? Where can I get a good juicy steak around here?" SPAIN - "So, this is the country that's not Portugal? Wow. Your women can shave if they want to, right? Where can I get some Cheez Whiz nachos?" MEXICO- "What's that smell?" SAUDI ARABIA - "Would you like to see my designs for a solar powered car? Is it legal to beat your wives here, or what?" RUSSIA - "Is it always this cold and economically devastated?" UZBEKISTAN - "Can you spell Uzbekistan?" GREECE - "I hear this place is a less expensive version of Italy."AFGHANISTAN - "Seriously, where is the real country. where is everything?" JAPAN - "What's Hiroshima? Is that a kind of sushi?" AUSTRALI - "How can we stop Mel Gibson? Is there a cure?" AMERICA - "Was John Wayne gay?"
A fellow was traveling between Phoenix and Chicago south of Kansas City when a tire blew out. Checking his spare, he found that it too was flat. His only option was to flag down a passing motorist and get a ride to the next town. The first vehicle to stop was an old man in a van. He yelled out the window, "Need a lift?" "Yes, I sure do," he replied. "You a Democrat or Republican?" asked the old man. "Republican," he replied. "Well, you can just go to Hell," yelled the old man as he sped off. Another guy stopped, rolled down the window, and asked him the same question. Again, he gave the same answer, "Republican." The driver gave him the finger and drove off. He thought it over and decided that maybe he should change his strategy, since this area seemed to be overly political and there appeared to be few Republicans. The next car to stop was a red convertible driven by a beautiful blonde. She smiled seductively and asked if he was a Democrat or Republican. "Democrat!" he shouted. "Hop in!" replied the blonde. Driving down the road, he couldn't help but stare at this gorgeous woman in the seat next to him, the wind blowing through her hair, perfect breasts, and a short skirt that continued to ride higher and higher up her thighs. Finally, he yelled, "Please stop the car." She immediately slammed on the brakes and as soon as the car stopped, he jumped out. "What's the matter?" she asked. "I can't take it anymore," he replied. "I've only been a Democrat for five minutes and, already, I want to screw somebody!”
Hillary's book is called "Living History." Hillary says when Bill finally came clean about Monica, she was 'dumbfounded, heartbroken and outraged' that she had believed his lies. You know what they say -- 'Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me 6000 times, shame on me.' In the book she says that when Clinton finally admitted to her about the affair, she says, 'She could hardly breathe and was gulping for air.' I'm sorry. I believe that's Monica's book.Did you know that a man is made up of many useless "things?"He has an Adams apple that isn't an apple...Two calves that will never become cows...A nose bridge that doesn't lead anywhere...A roof of the mouth that won't cover anything...Twenty nails that won't hold a board...A chest that won't hold linen...Two tits that won't give milk...Two buns that won't feed anyone...A belly button that won't button...Two balls that won't roll...An ass that won't pull a plow...An organ that won't play music...A cock that won't crow........And what are YOU women laughing about?You've got a pussy that won't catch mice!!
Angelina and Giuseppi were standing before the judge in divorce court. Angelina says: "Your honor, we benna marry 25 years ana Giuseppi he'always pickna his nose ana when we maka love he's a never letsa me on top. I just canna taka dis anymore." The judge listens solemnly then asks, "Giuseppi, this true? Do you always pick your nose and never let Angelina on top? Giuseppi says, "Well your honor, itsa true. I picka my nose a lot and, yeah, Angelina, I tella her she'sa gotta be on da bottom. Itsa all go'sa back to when I'ma young boy. My poppa, he'sa very smarta man. I always followev'ryting he say. My poppa says, Giuseppi, I gotta tella you da two main secrets ofa hava successful life. Number one, you always keepa your nose clean ana number two, never screw up.
Young Mike the Newfie worked on a farm with the farmer, the farmer's wife and their daughter Mabel. One fine day as Mike was attending to his daily chores he saw Mabel bending over to milk the cow. He felt himself become aroused for thefirst time and, shocked, ran to find the farmer to explain this strange phenomena. He whipped out his stiff trouser snake much to the horror of the farmer and asked what was happening to his penis. "Now settle down and put that thing away." said the farmer. "Don't worry about it. It happens to all men." "But I don't like it!" cried Mike. "Well then," said the farmer, "next time it happens just go into the milk shed, get some cow shit and rub it on your dick. It'll go down quick smart, trust me." The next day Mike was passing by the house when he looked in and saw the farmers wife having a shower. Feeling his member getting hard he rushed into the cow shed, dropped his pants and picked up two handfuls of shit. Just then Mabel walked into the shed. "What are you doing Mike?" asked Mabel. "Well," Mike replied, "I'm gonna rub this shit on my dick to make it go down." "That would be a waste." Mabel said as she laid down on the ground and lifted her skirt. "Why don't you stick it up here?" So he did. Both handfuls.
A man has been shipwrecked on a desert island for ten years. Then one day he is down at the shoreline when he spots a ship on the horizon. He frantically waves his arms and jumps up and down shouting, until he spies a rowboat being let down into the water from the ship. About ten minutes later the rowboat reaches the shore carrying a man in a captain's
uniform. "Thank heavens for that!" says our shipwrecked hero, "I thought I was never going to be rescued." "How long have you been here?" asks the Captain. "Ten years, ten long years" replies the man. "Ten years?" says the Captain. "How have you coped all that time on your own?" "Well, I'm quite a resourceful fellow. I've built my own house. There it is,
over there, Number 1!" "But ten years!" says the Captain, "Ten years without sex!". "Ahhhh, well....that's not quite true," says the man shyly. "What do you mean?" inquires the Captain. "Well, about six months ago I was down here on the shore washing my feet, when I noticed an ostrich up the beach with it's head buried in the sand and it's ass facing me. Well, I thought it's been nine and a half years, so I crept up behind it and WALLOP!" "Oh, God, that must have been disgusting!" cries the genuinely shocked Captain. "Well, it was alright for the first five miles, but then we got out of step."
Why do chicken coops have two doors? Because if they had four doors they’d be chicken sedans. A British anthropologist was doing research in an isolated African village, and the tribal chief asked if he would like to attend a legal trial his people were conducting that afternoon. "You'll be surprised," said the chief, "at how well we've copied your country's legal procedures. You see, we have read accounts of many English trials in your newspapers, and incorporated them into our judicial system." When the Brit arrived at the wooden constructed courthouse, he was truly amazed to see how closely the African court officials resembled those of England. The counsels were suitably attired in long black robes and the traditional white powdered wigs worn by all British jurists. Each argued his case with eloquence and in proper judicial language. But he couldn't help being puzzled by the occasional appearance of a bare-breasted native girl running through the crowd waving her arms frantically. After the trial, the anthropologist congratulated his host on what he had seen and then asked, "What was the purpose of having a semi-nude woman run through the courtroom during the trial?" "I really don't know," confessed the Chief, "but in all the accounts we read in your papers about British trials, there was invariably mentioned something about 'an excited titter' running through the gallery." Little Johnny, on his way home from school, must pass by a group of hookers. Everyday as he passes them, the hookers wave at him with their pinkies and say, "Hi there Little Johnny!" One day Little Johnny stops and asks one of the hookers why they always wave at him with their pinkies. They reply, "Well, that is what size we imagine your penis to be... itis just a joke!" The next day on his way home, the hookers repeat the tradition. Little Johnny stops and drops his school books on the ground, sticks all his fingers in his mouth to stretch his lips very wide and says, "HI THERE LADIES!"
What's the definition of oral sex? The taste of things to come. My wife dresses to kill. She also cooks the same way. -Henny Youngman A young man asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?" The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions." "Onions?" the young man asks."Yes, see them and they make you cry." A young woman asks her mother, "Mom, how many kind of penises are there?" The mother, surprised, answers, "Well, daughter, a man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties, a man's penis is like an oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree?" the young woman asks. "Yes, dried up and the balls are there for decoration only." Some funny real adverts:- Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.- A magazine Ad for the King-Seeley Thermos Co. in 1983 run along with pictures of assorted Thermos (R) coolers and other products: "IT TAKES MORE THAN BIG JUGS AND NICE CHESTS TO ATTRACT CUSTOMERS?"- In 1985, The Ramada Renaisance Hotel in Denver ran an ad with this copy: "FREE HOTEL ROOM *" Then, way down at the bottom it said: * Parking $55.00/night (Parking is mandatory). (Deceptive? You bet your asterisk.)- COMPLETE FUNERAL - Free Pick-up - Free Embalming - Free Metal Casket - Free Viewing - One Limousine Free $999.00 "Please Bring Newspaper Ad With You" Toston-La Frans Funeral Home- 1st Annual GOING OUT OF BUSINESS SALE!! Randy's Camera Shop- A Supermarket ad in an Alabama Newspaper BEST WISHES FOR A HAPPY PASSOVER (Piggly-Wiggly LOGO- a cartoon pig wearing a butcher's hat)But other folks have made the same mistake - check this ad correction for Publix Supermarkets from "The State" newspaper in Columbia, SC: "Lykes Sliced Ham was placed in the Passover section of the Publix insert... . This was an honest error, and we certainly did not intend any offense."Even more kosher clueless is another supermarket coupon: .25 OFF TOWARD THE PURCHASE OF ANY Season Brand Ham For Passover- SAFEWAY SUPERMARKETS COUPON Kellogg's Raisin Brain 20 oz Cereal $1.99- A Sporting Goods Ad in a Montana Newspaper: Montana Gun Works Smith & Wesson - Girl Scout Cookies W/Each Gun Purchased- Ad for a Sears Sewing Machine in the Kansas City Star: Built-in Buttholer! SAVE 40%- A Walgreen's Drugstore Coupon Ad: Walgreens non-constipating SLIP-ON THONG SANDALS 2/$1.00 Coupon sale thru 7/4/87 Limit 2And Finally, an Important Notice from Your Local Newspaper: IMPORTANT PLEASE READ YOUR AD for errors the first day it appears. The Press-Enterprise Co.assumesnoresponsiblityaf ter the first insertion.If you are placing an ad, correcting one or canceling one, PLEASE check your ad! All claims for adjustment must be made within 15 days after expiration of ad. Remarkable Remarks:- I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: "no good in a bed, but fine up against a wall". (Eleanor Roosevelt)
- The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending and having the two as close together as possible. (George Burns)
- Santa Claus has the right idea - visit people only once a year. (Victor Borge)
- Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. (Mark Twain)
- What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce. (Mark Twain)
- My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects. (Les Dawson)
- By all means marry: If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. (Socrates)
- I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. (Groucho Marx)
- Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult. (Charlotte Whitton)
- My wife has a slight impediment in her speech - every now and then she stops to breathe. (Jimmy Durante) - The human male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things. (Jilly Cooper)
I never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. (Zsa Zsa Gabor)
- Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: Alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. (Alex Levine)
- Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. (Mark Twain)
- My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. (Ed Furgol)
- Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. (Spike Milligan)
- What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money. (Henny Youngman)
- I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position. ( Mark Twain)
- Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was 'shut up.' (Joe Namath)
- I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age I'm very pleased to be anywhere. (George Burns)
- At my age flowers scare me (George Burns)
- Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life. (Herbert Henry Asquith)
- The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age. (Lucille Ball)
- I don't feel old - I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.(Bob Hope)
- A woman drove me to drink - and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank her. (W.C. Fields)
- I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. (W.C. Fields)
- It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth. (George Burns)
- Some guy hit my fender the other day, and I said unto him " Be fruitful and multiply". But not in those words . (Woody Allen)
- If only God would give me some sign...a clear sign! Like making a
large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank. (Selections from the Allen Notebooks, New Yorker)
- Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have you declared legally insane in order to gain control of your estate. (Woody Allen)
- If you want to make GOD Laugh, tell him your future plans. (Woody Allen)
Those are my principals, if you don't like them...... I have others." (Groucho Marx)
- Last week I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement. (Mark Twain) As far as I'm concerned, my husband just made out his will when he said, "You'll get my money over my dead body."
What kind of paneling is on the walls of the brothel? Naughty Pine.
Politicians talk to the country the way men talk to women. They say, "Trust me, go all the way with me, and everything
will be all right." And what happens? Nine months later, you're in trouble.
"Mom, I'm pregnant." Said Wendy. "How can that be?" Mom replied, "What did I tell you about sex?" "That I should take measures." Wendy replied, "And that's what I did! I took measures and then went with the biggest." "Hey Susie, did you pick up a little Italian on your vacation?" You bet!" she replied, "Well then let me hear you say some words" "I didn't learn any words. I just picked up a little Italian."
SEX MANUAL FOR DUMMIES Be user friendly Take bytes Fondle joystick Spread sheet Fix surge protector Activate hardware Insert disc, all the way Do it until megabytes Back it up Eject floppy
Two couples are sitting in a cafe. The men order Budweiser beer, and the waitress shouts, "Two Buds coming up! What'll you two ladies have?" "Well," says one of the women. "We were going to order Country Club, but we'll change that to Michelob!" There was a young man from Pool Who had concentric rings 'round his tool He went to a clinic The doctor--a cynic-- Said "wash it, it's lipstick, you fool!"
A man's house is on fire. No help is in sight so he takes matters into his own hands. He runs out of the house with his son and tells him to wait outside. Then he runs back in and gets is daughter and brings her outside. Then his wife. Then the dog. Then the cat. Then he goes back in "3 more times" without bringing out anybody or anything. So a bystander is curious and asks him, "Why do you keep going back into your burning house and not coming out with anything?" The man replies, "I'm turning over my mother in law." A London paper got a letter from Saddam, but you don't have to read it. It goes something like this. Trust me. (To the tune of Amilcare Ponchielli's "Dance Of The Hours" by way of Allan Sherman) Hello Mullah Hello Fatwah I still haven't Gotten caughtwa From the country I am bolting Now it's time for all of you to start revolting I am wearing Silk pajama On the beach here With Osama Frozen Mai Tai With umbrella Send the bill to Mr. Bush who's quite a fella Take me back Oh Baathist party Take me back Don't be a smarty I'll be nice And I do swear that from your livers I won't take a slice Take me back My dear Iraqi Take me back Don't act so cocky You've been took Without the statues How will you remember how I look? Dearest Mullah Darling Fatwah How much misery Have you gotwa? Let me come home If you miss me I will even let a bunch of Shi'ites diss me Wait a minute Sons are calling Lots of torture Hear that bawling Billion dollars Gee that's better Mullah Fatwah kindly disregard this letter Two cockroaches were munching on garbage in an alley when one engages a discussion about a new restaurant "I was inthat new restaurant across the street," said one. "It's so clean. The kitchen is spotless, and the floors are gleaming white. There is no dirt anywhere. It's so sanitary that the whole place shines." "Please," said the other roach frowning. "Not while I'm eating!" The mistress of an English manor had just hired a new housemaid, an Irish lass, straight out of the country. The first day she was dusting in the Smoking room where the Master of the house sat reading. On the mantel, she saw and dusted a small bowl containing a couple of small round white balls. She, being curious and not bashful, asked, "What are these?"He looked up, saw where she was pointing, and answered, "Golf balls." She said, "OH!", and went on dusting. A few days later, she was dusting again in the same room, where the master was again reading. Again, in the same bowl were small white balls, only now there were four. She said, "I see you shot another Golf." A pro golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him. "I have some good news and some bad news." says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!" "Oh god no!" cries the man. "My career is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?" "The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm! I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant" "Go for it doc" says the man. "As long as I can play golf again." The operation went well and 6 months later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon. "Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon. "Just great" says the businessman. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting hasreally improved." "That's great." said the surgeon "Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors" "Unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a success." "Well there is one problem," said the golfer, "every time I try to jerk off I get a headache!"
Types Of Women
- HARD-DISK Woman: She remembers everything, FOREVER.
- RAM Woman: She forgets about you, the moment you turn her off.
- WINDOWS Woman: Everyone knows that she can't do a thing right, but no one can live without her.
- SCREENSAVER Woman: She is good for nothing but at least she is fun!
- INTERNET Woman: Difficult to access.
- SERVER Woman: Always busy when you need her.
- MULTIMEDIA Woman: She makes horrible things look beautiful.
- CD-ROM Woman: She is always faster and faster.
- E-MAIL Woman: Every ten things she says, eight are nonsense.
- VIRUS Woman: Also known as "WIFE"; when you are not expecting her, she comes, installs herself and uses all
your resources. If you try to uninstall her you will loose something if you don't try to uninstall her you will be rendered useless...
Why is it so difficult to solve a redneck murder? The DNA is all the same and there’s no dental records.
Gas prices are so high! I pulled into a station and asked for a dollar's worth, so the attendant dabbed some behind
my ears.
The fingerprints of koala bears are virtually indistinguishable from those of humans, so much so that they could be
confused at a crime scene.
A fellow’s cherished cat died so he took him to a taxidermist and had him stuffed. He was somewhat upset when he came to pick it up, that the cat was mounted with its butt facing forward and tail high in the air. The taxidermist approached him and said. "As distraught as you were when you brought in your beloved pet, Ii thought I would make it more appropriate. I made for you a cat-ass-trophy"
I gave my husband what for, for going into a bar. He tried to tell me it’s just a restaurant that features good-looking women in hot pants, is basically serving Chicken wings and beer. "Now that's a man's restaurant," he said. I told him I was going to start my own restaurant and call it "Peckers" and all I’m gonna serve is wieners with two little nuggets.
A friend went to see the movie "American Beauty" and was quite bothered by some scenes, in particular a masturbation scene. Discussing the movie with her husband later, she said, "I'm sorry, but I find masturbation in a movie to be really offensive." Her husband sighed and said, "All right, I'll stop doing it."
An English teacher often wrote little notes on student essays. Often she worked late, and as the hours passed, her handwriting deteriorated. One day a student came to her after class with an essay that had been returned. "I can't make out this comment you wrote on my paper." The teacher took the paper and, after studying it, sheepishly replied, . . . "It says that you should write more legibly!"
Why won't cannibals eat divorced women? They're always bitter.
An eight-year-old boy is walking down the road one day when a car pulls over next to him. "If you get in the car," the driver says, "I'll give you $10 and a piece of candy." The boy refuses and keeps on walking. A few moments later, not to take no for an answer, the man driving the car pulls over again. "How about $20 and two pieces of candy?" The boy tells the man to leave him alone and keeps on walking. Still further down the road the man pulls over to the side road. "OK," he says, "this is my final offer. I'll give you $50 and all the candy you can eat." The little boy stops, goes to the car and leans in. "Look," he says to the driver. "You bought the Ford, Dad. You'll have to live with it!"
Said an eminent, erudite ermine,
“There’s one thing I cannot determine.
When a dame wears my coat,She’s a a person of note –
Yet when I wear it I’m only called vermin.”
Applying Talmudic logic to life:
After months of negotiation, a Jewish scholar from Odessa was granted permission to visit Moscow. He boarded the train and found an empty seat. At the next stop a young man got on and sat next to him. The scholar looked at the young man and thought: This fellow doesn't look like a peasant, and if he isn't a peasant he probably comes from this district. If he comes from this district, he must be Jewish because this is, after all, the Jewish district. On the other hand, if he is a Jew where could he be going? I'm the only one in our district who has permission to travel to Moscow. Wait - just outside Moscow there is a little village called Samvet, and you don't need special permission to go there. But why would he be going to Samvet? He's probably going to visit one of the Jewish families there, but how many Jewish families are there in Samvet? Only two - the Bernsteins and the Steinbergs. The Bernsteins are a terrible family, so he must be visiting the Steinbergs. But why is he going? The Steinbergs have only girls, so maybe he's their son-in-law. But if he is, then which daughter did he marry? Sarah married that nice lawyer from Budapest and Esther married a businessman from Zhadomir, so it must be Sarah's husband. Which means that his name is Alexander Cohen, if I'm not mistaken. But if he comes from Budapest, with all the anti-Semitism they have there, he must have changed his name. What's the Hungarian equivalent of Cohen? Kovacs. But if he changed his name he must have some special status. A lawyer. What could it be? A doctorate from the University. At this point the scholar turns to the young man and said, "How do you do, Dr Kovacs?" "Very well, thank you, sir" answered the startled passenger. "But how is it that you know my name?" "Oh," replied the scholar, "it was obvious."
And then there’s the logic of the Jewish Mother:Hi Mom. Can I leave the kids with you tonight?You're going out?Yes.With whom?With a friend.I don't know why you left your husband. He is such a good man.I didn't leave him. He left me!You let him leave you, and now you go out with anybody and nobody.I do not go out with anybody. Can I bring over the kids?I never left you to go out with anybody except your father.There are lots of things that you did and I don't.What are you hinting at?Nothing. I just want to know if I can bring the kids over tonight.You're going to stay the night with him? What will your husband say if he finds out?My EX husband. I don't think he would be bothered. From the day he left me, he probably never slept alone!So you're going to sleep over at this loser's place?He's not a loser.A man who goes out with a divorced woman with children is a loser and a parasite.I don't want to argue. Should I bring over the kids or not?Poor children with such a mother.Such as what?With no stability. No wonder your husband left you.ENOUGH !!Don't scream at me. You probably scream at this loser too!Now you're worried about the loser?Ah, so you see he's a loser. I spotted him immediately.Goodbye, mother.Wait! Don't hang up! When are you bringing them over?I'm not bringing them over! I'm not going out!If you never go out, how do you expect to meet anyone?
Last week I went to see a new movie at a theater with a digital screen. Some time into the film, the screen froze, so people started yelling, "The screen's frozen!" Just as it quieted down, some kid behind me turned around and screamed "Hit Control-Alt-Delete!" Everyone was in hysterics!
Now that gay marriage has been legalized in the Province of Ontario, Canada, there are some new rules:
1) On the day of a gay wedding, it's bad luck for the two grooms to see each other at the gym.
2) Superstition suggests that for good luck the couple should have: Something bold, something flirty, something trashy, something dirty.
3) It's customary at gay and lesbian nuptials for the parents to have an open bar during the entire ceremony.
4) Gay wedding tradition dictates that both grooms refrain from eating any of the wedding cake because it's all carbs and sugar.
5) It's considered bad luck for either of the grooms to have dated the priest.
6) During the first dance, it's considered unlucky to use glow sticks, flags, whistles or hand held lasers.
7) For good luck at the union of a drag queen, the bouquet is always thrown in the face of a hated rival.
8) The reception hall must have a disco ball and at least 1 go-go dancer.
9) The wedding singer is not allowed to play/sing "Let's Hear It For the Boy", "It's Raining Men" or "I Will Survive."
10) The father of the bottom pays for everything!
YOU KNOW IT'S TIME TO DIET WHEN:
You dance and it makes the band skip.
You are diagnosed with the flesh-eating virus, and the doctor gives you 22 more years to live.
You put mayonnaise on an aspirin.
You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts.
Your driver's license says, "Picture continued on other side."
You ran away and they had to use all four sides of the milk carton for your picture.
You learn you were born with a silver shovel in your mouth.
You could sell shade.
Your blood type is Ragu.
You need an appointment to attend an 'open house'.
Some cute real ads:
- HUMMERS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER "IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!"
- GEORGIA PEACHES, CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb.
- NICE PARACHUTE: NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE.
- TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR? WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS. STARTING PAY: $7 -- $9 PER HOUR.
- EXERCISE EQUIPMENT: QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRINGS - $175.
- JOINING NUDIST COLONY! MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER $300.
- ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER.
- OPEN HOUSE: BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON. FREE COFFEE & DONUTS.
Today as I was running late for work, I quickly got dressed and threw a t-shirt on in the dark. I had it on inside out with my right arm in the left sleeve, and my left arm in the right sleeve. Where was the label? Don’t look ‘til you’ve thought about it a bit. I’ll write the answer backwards to help you out.
Kcab Edistuo
What are the small bumps around a woman's nipples for? It’s Braille for "suck here".
Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera? Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time.
When the surgeon came to see his young female patient on the day after her operation, she was slightly embarrassed. So the doctor she asked. "What's wrong?" "Well this is a bit embarrassing for me, but just how long will it be before I can resume my normal sex life. "Uh" stammered the doctor, as he thought pensively. "Uh, I hadn't really thought about it." replied the stunned surgeon. "You're the first patient to ever ask me that after a tonsillectomy."
This little black boy and little black girl were playing in the playground. After a short while, the boy was getting bored. He asked the girl, "Do you want to play construction?" She replied, "What's construction?" He told her, "You lay down, and I'll blacktop ya." She replied firmly, "I'm not going to do that, I'll get pregnant." Then he said, "You're right, . . . just roll over and I'll asphalt ya."
My golf game has just not progressed like I once thought it would. Last week I played a round with a business associate. I teed up at the first hole and promptly drove a brand-new ball into the woods. On the second hole, I drove another new ball into a lake. On the third, I lost a new ball in another part of the woods. "Why don't you use an old ball?" my associate asked. I replied, "I've never had an old ball."
Life isn't like a box of chocolates...it's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.
A spokesperson for the U. S. Mint announced that a new fifty-cent piece was being issued to honor two great American patriots. On one side of the coin would be Teddy Roosevelt and on the other side, Nathan Hale. Asked why two people were going to be on the same coin, the official replied, "Now, when you toss a coin you can simply call,'Ted's or Hale's'."
Why don't men know the meaning of fear? They only know one four-letter word beginning with F.
Breaking News! Saddam Captured! Intelligence reported that Saddam was suspected to be hiding in a field of long scrub grass on the outskirts of Basra. British Marines used their own 'intelligence' -- they sprayed the field with Viagra -- and the little prick popped up!
I took my daughter to the doctor for her 2-year-old checkup. They had her do coordination tests, like stacking blocks, and they watch and see if they walk properly. And then the doctor said, "Allison, can you stand on one foot for me?" So she walked over and stood on his foot. In front of the line at a fast-food restaurant, there’s a big sign posted. "No bills larger than $20 will be accepted." The woman in front of me, pointing to the sign, remarked, "Believe me, if I had a bill larger than $20, I wouldn't be eating here."
63% of men have had sex in the shower. The other 37% have never been to prison.
In case you missed the article, someone found a condom in a MacDonald's hamburger a couple of years ago. Here is David Letterman's top ten MacDonald's excuses for the condom in the Big Mac:10. We were test marketing the new "McRibbed."9. Condom, Condiment.....What's the damned difference.8. It still tastes better than the Arch Deluxe.7. It was either there, or in the vanilla shake.6. Turns out the rumors about Grimace and Mayor McCheese are true.5. We're experimenting with a new, even happier meal.4. Employees too embarrassed to ask "Would you like a condom with that?"3. So what? A regular Big Mac is 60% latex anyway.2. Drive-thru speaker broken: "Coke with lots of ice" sounds like "Prophylactic device."And the number one MacDonald's Excuse for the Condom in the Big Mac:1. When you're serving billions and billions, you can't be too careful At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy. "No woman," said one man, scornfully, "can keep a secret." "I don't know about that," answered a woman guest. "I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one." "You'll let it out some day," the man insisted. "I hardly think so!" responded the lady. "When a woman has kept a secret for twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever."
First Time! The sky was dark
The moon was high
All alone just she and I
Her hair was soft
Her eyes were blue
I knew just what
She wanted to do
Her skin so soft
Her legs so fine
I ran my fingers
Down her spine
I didn't know how
But I tried my best
I started by placing
My hands on her breast
I remember my fear
My fast beating heart
But slowly she spread
Her legs apart
And when I did it
I felt no shame
All at once
The white stuff came
At last it's finished
It's all over now
My first time ever
At milking a cow..... Morris returns from a long business trip and finds out that his wife has been unfaithful during his time away. "Who was it?" he yells. "That schmuck Goldstein?" "No," replied his wife. "It wasn't Goldstein." "Was it Feldman, that dirty old man?" "No, not him." "Aha! Then it must have been that idiot Rabinovich!" "No, it wasn't Rabinovich either..." Morris was now fuming. "What's the matter?" he cried. "None of my friends are good enough for you?"
The Washington Hillbillies (To the tune of The Beverly Hillbillies):
Well dere once was a story 'bout a man named Bill;
Da poor president couldn't keep his willie still;
Den one day he was workin' at his desk,
When in walks Monica and shows da boy her chest...
Boobs, that is. Two of 'em. Bodacious ta ta's.
Well da next thing ya know, Monica is on her knees,
Mouth open wide and as happy as you please;
Bill sez, "oh yeah now-don't say a thing,"
"If you do a good job then we'll have a little fling."
Blow job, that is. Phalli osculation.
Well, Bill lost his load and it fell upon her dress,
He said, "Clean it up, 'cuz you really are a mess,
And you're invited here to dis fine locality,
To have a heapin' helpin' of little Willie C."
Da wiener, that is. Da presidential staff .
So week after week, Monica is on her knees Keepin' Willie and his Wiener just as happy as you please,
But then she figured out dat the fling had gone too far,
And she blabbed it all to Linda Tripp who blabbed it all to Starr.
Bad girl, that is. Cigars. Bodacious ta ta's.
Well it weren't too long till we all knew the score,
'bout da stuff dat went down behind da oval office door;
Da country's in da toilet and da people cry, "No More"
But if we oust da cheatin' jerk, den we gotta live with Gore.
Boob, that is. Great big one. Head stuck up his rear.
So now ya know da story 'bout Bill our president,
Wonderin' if dis fling's gonna cost him every cent;
So da moral of da story is to do it quietly,
And stay outta trouble with dat bitch named Hillary.
The American Medical Association researchers have made a remarkable discovery. It seems that some patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood. It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better.
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says, "Jim, I'm 75 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?" Jim says, "Hell, I feel just like a newborn baby." "Really!? Like a baby!?" "Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just shit my pants.
Gas prices continue to rise. Oil company execs blame instability in the marketplace. Caviar is getting damned expensive.
The U.S. government denied Thursday that its new airline passenger screening system employs racial profiling. It decides whether each passenger is a red, yellow or green risk being stopped. You had better not be in any hurry if you are Indian, Asian or airsick.
Many a man who thinks he's going on a maiden voyage with a girl finds out later from her lawyer that it was a shakedown cruise.
A young camper at summer camp asked the chaplain if "hard on" was hyphenated. The chaplain replies, "What in heaven's name are you writing home about!" The young boy says, "I'm telling Mom and Dad about the project we worked so 'hard on'."
Top 10 things overheard as Martha Stewart does time:
- “You eat your slop with a fork, it’s the proper thing to do.”
- “Make her my bitch? She is a bitch!”
- “Do you think I can rival Bob Villa if I take up carpentry while in here?”
- “Can we do designer license plates?”
- “When doing massive amounts of laundry, don’t forget a Bounce sheet”
- “I like the soup they’re serving it comes from better stock than I bought!”
- “Can we do yoga in the yard today?”
- “Oh how neat a bedroom and bathroom all in one!”
- “That’s not a bidet…right?”
- The number one thing overheard while Martha Stewart does time is, “When I bust loose I am going to faux finish something!”
Morris goes to an agency in Manhattan and asks if they have any jobs. "Sure," replies the interviewer, "I've got an ace job - working in a strip club, what you would have to do is help the girls undress and dress, oil them and all that sort of stuff."
"Sounds good" says Morris. "Great, can you get to Brooklyn by 9.00 am tomorrow?" "Why, is that where the job is?"
"No, that's where the line starts..."
The trouble with my wife is that she has a weight problem. Every time I want sex, she says, 'Wait.'" - Rodney Dangerfield
A husband looking through the paper came upon a study that said women use more words than men. Excited to prove to his wife that he had been right all along when he accused her of talking too much, he showed her the study results. It read: "Men use about 15,000 words per day, but women use 30,000."The wife said to her husband, "Well, that's only because we have to repeat everything we say." He said, ”What?”
"If your time hasn't come, not even a doctor can kill you."- MA Perlstein
A farmer's wife was at her lawyer's getting advice about a divorce. "He makes excessive sexual demands on me, Mr. Jones," said the wife to the lawyer. "How do you mean?" "Well, Mr. Jones, this morning I was looking at the chickens when he crept up behind me and had me from behind!" "Chickens? Mrs. Smith? I didn't know you kept chickens." "We don't, Mr. Jones. This was in the supermarket."
My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes. I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and asked why it was so long. "Because," my son explained, "they say it has to have at least four characters."
Random Graffiti:
- At the feast of ego everyone leaves hungry. Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, AZ
- If voting could really change things, it would be illegal. Revolution Books, New York, New York.
- Express Lane: Five beers or less Sign over one of the urinals, Memorial Stadium, Baltimore, MD
- You're too good for him. Sign over mirror in Women's restroom, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills, CA.
- No wonder you always go home alone. Sign over mirror in Men's restroom, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills, CA
- Remember, it's not, "How high are you?" It's "Hi, how are you?" Rest stop off Route 81, West Virginia
A man goes to the Lucas Carlton in Paris with his girlfriend and orders the 1928 Mouton. The waiter returns with a decanter full of wine, pours a small amount in the glass for tasting. The customer picks up the glass, smells the wine, and puts it down on the table with a thud. "This is not the 1928 Mouton." The waiter assures him it is, and soon there is another twenty people surrounding the table including the chef and the manager of the hotel trying to convince the man that the wine is the 1928 Mouton. Finally someone asks him how he knows, it is not the 1928 Mouton. "My name is Phillipe de Rothschild, and I made the wine." Consternation. Finally the original waiter steps forward and admits that he poured the Clerc Milon 1928. "I could not bear to part with our last bottle of 1928 Mouton. You own Clerc Milon, it is in the same village as Mouton, you pick the grapes at the same time, the same cepage, you crush in the same way, you put them into similar barrels. You bottle at the same time, you even use eggs from the same chickens to fine them. The wines are the same, except for a small matter of geographic location." Rothschild beckons the waiter forward, and whispers to him, "When you return home tonight, ask your girlfriend to remove her underwear. Put one finger in one opening, another in the other, and smell the difference that a small matter of geographic location will give."
I sat next to the Duchess at tea,
Distressed as a person could be.Her rumblings abdominal
Were simply phenomenal
And everyone thought it was me!
Memo to: The members of the Kansas Board of Education
From: God
Re: Your decision to eliminate the teaching of evolution as science.
Thank you for your support. Much obliged. Now, go forth and multiply. Beget many children. And yea, your children shall beget children. And their children shall beget children, and their children's children after them. And in time the genes that have made you such pinheads will be eliminated through natural selection. Because that is how it works. Listen, I love all my creatures equally, and gave each his own special qualities to help him on Earth. The horse I gave great strength. The antelope I gave great grace and speed. The dung beetle I gave great stupidity, so he doesn't realize he is a dung beetle. Man I gave a brain. Use it, okay? I admit I am not perfect. I've made errors. (Armpit hair--what was I thinking?) But do you Kansans seriously believe that I dropped half-a-billion-year-old trilobite skeletons all over my great green Earth by mistake? What, I had a few lying around some previous creation in the Andromeda galaxy, and they fell through a hole in my pocket? You were supposed to find them. And once you found them, you were supposed to draw the appropriate, intelligent conclusions. That's what I made you for: To think. The folks who wrote the Bible were smart and good people. Mostly, they got it right. But there were glitches. Imprecisions. For one thing, they said that Adam and Eve begat Cain and Abel, and then Cain begat Enoch. How was that supposed to have happened? They left out Tiffany entirely! Well, they also were a little off on certain elements of timing and sequence. So what? You guys were supposed to figure it all out for yourselves, anyway. When you stumble over the truth, you are not supposed to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and proceed on as though nothing had happened. If you find a dinosaur's toe, you're not supposed to look for reasons to call it a croissant. You're not big, drooling idiots. For that, I made dogs. Why do you think there are no fossilized human toes dating from a hundred million years ago? Think about it. It's okay if you think. In fact, I prefer it. That's why I like Charlie Darwin. He was always a thinker. Still is. He and I chat frequently. I know a lot of people figure that if man evolved from
other organisms, it means I don't exist. I have to admit this is a reasonable assumption and a valid line of thought. I am in favor of thought. I encourage you to pursue this concept with an open mind, and see where it leads you. That's all I have to say right now, except that I'm really cheesed off at laugh tracks on sitcoms, and the NRA, and people who make simple declarative sentences sound like questions? Oh, wait. There's one more thing. Did you read in the newspapers yesterday how scientists in Australia dug up some rocks and found fossilized remains of life dating back further than ever before? Primitive multi-celled animals on Earth nearly 3 billion years ago when the planet was nothing but roiling muck and ice and fire. And inside those cells was . . . DNA. Incredibly complex strands of chemicals, laced together in a scheme so sophisticated no one yet understands exactly how it works. I wonder who could have thought of something like that, back then. Just something for you to gnaw on.
Hello, you have reached the Police Dept's Voice Mail. Pay close attention as we have to update the choices often as new and usual circumstances arrive. Please select one of the following options:- To whine about us not doing anything to solve a problem that you created yourself, press 1.- To inquire as to whether someone has to die before we'll do something about a problem, press 2.- To report an officer for bad manners, when in reality the officer is trying to keep your neighborhood safe, press 3.- If you would like us to raise your children, press 4.- If you would like us to take control of your life due to your chemical dependency or alcohol, press 5.- If you would like us to instantly restore order to a situation that took years to deteriorate, press 6.- To provide a list of officers you personally know so we will not take enforcement action against you, press 7.- To sue us, or tell us you pay our salary and you'll have our badge, or to proclaim our career is over, press 8.- To whine about a ticket and/or complain about the many other uses for police rather than keeping your dumb ass in line, press 9.- Please note your call may be monitored to assure proper customer support and remember.....we're here to save your ass, NOT kiss it!Thanks for calling your local police dept. and have a nice day.
Next time someone says to you they work in a paperless office, ask them what they wipe their ass with.
What's the difference being in a "69", and driving in the fog? In a "69" you CAN see the asshole in front of you.
It is believed that Shakespeare was age 46 around the time that the King James Version of the Bible was written. In Psalms 46, the 46th word from the first word is ‘shake’ and the 46th word from the last word is ‘spear’. (And if you really believe there is any significance to this, I have 4000 spare copies of ‘The Bible Code’ and a truckload of ‘ Let Nostradamus Predict Your Future’ to unload!)
WHY FISHING IS BETTER THAN SEX! - You don't have to hide your Fishing magazines. - It's perfectly acceptable to pay a professional to fish with you once in a while. - The Ten Commandments don't say anything about Fishing. - If your partner takes pictures or videotapes of you fishing in your Whaler, you don't have to worry about them showing up on the Internet if you become famous. - Your Fishing partner doesn't get upset about people you fished with long ago. - It's perfectly respectable to Fish with a total stranger. - When you see a really good Fisher person, you don't have feel guilty about imagining the two of you Fishing in a Whaler together. - If your regular Fishing partner isn't available, he/she won't object if you fish with someone else. - Nobody will ever tell you that you will go blind if you fish by yourself. - When dealing with a fishing-pro, you never have to wonder; if they are really an undercover cop. - You can; have a fishing calendar on your wall at the office, tell fishing jokes, and invite coworkers to fish with you without getting sued for harassment. - There are no fishing-transmitted diseases. - If you want to watch fishing on television, you don't have to subscribe to the Playboy channel. - Nobody expects you to fish with the same partner for the rest of your life. - Nobody expects you to give up fishing if your partner loses interest in it. - Your fishing partner will never say, "Not again? We just fished last week! Is fishing all you ever think about?"
My brother tried using alcohol as a substitute for women, but he kept getting his dick stuck in the neck of the bottle. Lately I think he’s been getting into cyber sex – he’s suspiciously good at typing with one hand!
Why can't blondes count to 70? Because ‘69’ is a bit of a mouthful. Remember what the Little Dutch Boy said, "Never stick your finger into a dyke unless you are sure you can outrun her."
Fact: The dial tone of a normal telephone is in the (musical) key of "F." Yeah! Well ‘F’ you too!
A certain young fellow from Ransome
Had a dame seven times in a hansom.
When she shouted for more,
Said he from the floor,
"The name, miss, is Simpson, not Samson."
REDNECK RULES FOR CALLING SHOTGUN: If there are to be two or more passengers when traveling by automobile, one must call out "shotgun" in order to secure for him/herself the right-front passenger seat. This seat is obviously the most desirable. It offers such advantages as: ~ more leg-room ~ own personal vanity mirror ~ ease of egress and ingress ~ social prestige ~ panoramic view ~ air-bag safety feature ~ better aim for throwing beer bottles at stop signs ~ rapid exit in case of beer-retainment reversal Historically, the shotgun position originated during the days of the horse-drawn wagon. Since the driver had to handle the reins, another person with a shotgun was needed next to him/her to fend off attacks from bandits, outlaws, and galloping Amway salesmen. The Rules: 1. Even if the other passenger is your grandmother with a broken leg, if she does not call "shotgun" first, her butt is going into the back seat. 2. If two people call "shotgun" at the same time, a fistfight will determine the ultimate winner--unless the contestants are girls. In that case, the trip is put off while the men get to watch them fight, or a "pout-off" can be held instead. 3. If the trip is interrupted for over 4 minutes (ie. fuel or potty stops), the "shotgun" passenger loses all of his/her rights, and open season on the coveted position begins again. 4. A "shotgun" winner must expect and be willing to put up with a large portion of physical harassment from the backseat "shotgun" loser. Scratching, hair pulling, and attempts at strangulation are all fully legal and come with the territory. 5. Pre-'shotgun" calling is strictly prohibited and punishable by worse that what you get for pulling the tag off a mattress. 6. A "shotgun" call from a 265-pound linebacker automatically cancels out a "shotgun" call from anybody else.
Just a line to say I'm livingThat I'M NOT among the deadThough I'm getting more forgetfulAnd more mixed up in the head.For sometimes I can't rememberWhen I stand at foot of stairIf I must go up for somethingOr I've just come down from there.And before the fridge 'so oftenMy poor mind is filled with doubtHave I just put food away orHave I come to take some out?And there's times when it's darkWith my night cap on my headI don't know if I'm retiringOr just getting out of bed.So - if it's my turn to write to youThere's no need in getting soreI may think that I have writtenAnd don't want to be a bore.So remember - I do love you,And I wish that you were hereBut now it's nearly mail timeSo I must say, "Goodbye dear"There I stood beside the mailboxWith a face so very redInstead of mailing you my letterI had opened it instead!
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about. Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware."
Martha Stewart's Pick-up Line: "Is that a zip-gun carefully carved out of a piece of discarded metal found on the floor of the prison license-plate manufacturing shop in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?"
Where do one legged people work? IHOP!!
What do you get when you cross a Cabbage Patch Doll with the Pillsbury Dough Boy? A short ugly chick with a yeast infection.
A policeman pulled a female driver over and asked to see her license. After looking it over, he said to her, "Lady, it stipulates here on your license that you should be wearing glasses." "Well, I have contacts," the woman replied. "Look lady, I don't care who you know," snapped the officer. "You're getting a ticket."
TOP ELEVEN TITLES FOR STAR WARS, EPISODE III
11. Star Wars, Episode III: The Unnecessary Chapter
10. Star Wars, Episode III: The Empire Sucks Ass
9. Star Wars, Episode III: Lucas's Last Chance
8. Star Wars, Episode III: The Merchandizing Avalanche
7. Star Wars, Episode III: Attack of the 30 Year Old Virgins
6. Star Wars, Episode III: Bedtime for Jar-Jar
5. Star Wars, Episode III: Painted Into a Narrative Corner
4. Star Wars, Strike III: YOU'RE OUT!!!
3. Star Wars, Episode III: When Good Franchises Go Bad
2. Star Wars, Episode III: The Search for Spock
1. Star Wars, Episode III: The Final Letdown
Other possibilities - Plan 9 from Skywalker Ranch, Battlefield Tatooine, or Padme Does Naboo.
MONEY:
It can buy you a House........... ..But not a Home
It can buy you a Bed................ .But not Sleep
It can buy you a Clock............. ..But not Time
It can buy you a Book........... ..But not knowledge
It can buy you a Position.............But not Respect
It can buy you Medicine...............But not Health
It can buy you Blood...................But not Life
It can buy you Sex.....................But not Love
So you see, money isn't everything. And it often causes pain and suffering. I tell you all this because I am your Friend, and as your Friend I want to take away your pain and suffering. So send me all your money. And I will suffer for you.
CASH ONLY PLEASE
These questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Website. I’ve sent them out before, but they’re just too funny not to repeat.1. Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK) A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die. 2. Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA) A: Depends how much you've been drinking. 3. Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden) A: Sure, it's only Four thousand miles, take lots of water. . . 4. Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden) A: So it's true what they say about Swedes. 5. Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed Beaver. (Italy) A: Let's not touch this one. 6. Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax? (UK) A: What did your last slave die of? 7. Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada? (USA) A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Ca-na-da is that big country to your North . . . oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked. 8. Q: Which direction is north in Canada? (USA) A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions. 9. Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (UK) A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do. 10. Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA) A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is. . oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked. 11. Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany) A: No, WE don't stink. 12. Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Canada? (USA) A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather. 13. Q: Can I wear high heels in Canada? (UK) A: You are an American politician, right?
14. Q: Can you tell me the regions on British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy) A: Yes, gay nightclubs. 15. Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA) A: Only at Thanksgiving. 16. Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? (Germany) A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal. 17. Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Canada who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA) A: All Canadian rattle snakes are perfectly harmless, and can be safely handled and make good pets. 18. Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. (USA) A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking. 19. Q: I was in Canada in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Surrey, BC. Can you help? (USA) A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour. 20. Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA) A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.
A man from Niagara Falls, Toured all of the old music halls, His show-stopping trick Was to stand on his prick, And roll off the stage on his balls.
Since we’ve run out of things to ridicule in Canada (SARS is finished and our Mad Cow turns out to have come from the States and probably brought the West Nile virus with her) and now that the Fourth of July is out of the way, let’s have some chuckles at the Yanks expense!
The U.S. government has named Los Angeles as the next likely target of a chemical attack. Well that's no secret. People in Los Angeles have long known that the right combination of silicone and peroxide can wipe out any man's bank account. Here’s a newly found copy of an old draft script for George W. campaigning the southern States:“This country needs a redneck up there in the Big House. Oh yeah - You put a redneck in the White House, things are gonna change. Bubba George gets elected, Pork BBQ in every pot, 2 washin' machines on every porch, a gun rackin every truck, Free Pay Per View wrasslin' on every TV. By the way, a woman touchin' the TV remote control - punishable by death! Bubba George get elected...An' the national holidays is Christmas, Thanksgivin'...the Daytona 500...an' the day the Swimsuit Edition comes out. You know that big plane they got - Air Force One? Bubba George gets elected...Bass Boat One! An' people wanna know how Bubba George would work that Supreme Court. They wanna know...would you pick a pro-liferor a pro-choicer; People, Bubba George is gonna pick a Pro Bowler! All they wanna know about Supreme Court justices now is are they liberal or conservative, have they smoked pot, or told dirty jokes...All I wanna know is... Can they pick up a spare in the beer frame? Now, let me say somethin' 'bout my opponents. Nuther words...Lemme lay out the straight skinny on these pencil neck, money-grubbin', scum-suckin', baby-kissin', yellow-bellied, dog-squinch-fer-brains, nit-wits they call candidates. These back slappin' weasels runnin' fer president will tell you anything to get elected. If you was a cow...they'd tell you they was vegitarians, if you was a dog, they'd say they was another dog's butt, if you was gay, they'd say bend over! Bullcrap people! That ain't Bubba George. I'm the only man with the guts...an' the hangy down things... to tell it like it is. Number one...Bubba George is gonna straighten out that military mess. You know what they wanna do now They wanna put women sailors in the submarines. You can't put women in a giant tin can with 200 red blooded American fightin' men. They all time time's naggin' you to fix that pingin' noise.
Well I Say...Over my dead body! When Bubba George is president... The only women on submarines is the way God intended, naked ones in the pictures stuck to the walls. An' I'm sorry to say this... But three days every month... That's way too close to nuclear warheads. When Bubba George is president...Richard Petty's gonna be on Mt. Rushmore. Fidel Castro is gonna be a big cigar-chompin' stain on some street in Havana. The only thing left of Sadaam Hussein is gonna be a bloody beret with bits a brain stuck in it. Janet Reno's gonna be a caddy in the LPGA. Hillary's gonna be goin' to beauty school. An' people... Bill Clinton's gonna be breakin' rocks in the federal pen!”
You know what the Pentagon is. That’s the big building in Washington that has five sides - on almost every issue. A simple bedtime question:Q: Daddy, why did we have to attack Iraq?A: Because they had weapons of mass destruction, honey.Q: But the inspectors didn't find any weapons of mass destruction.A: That's because the Iraqis were hiding them.Q: And that's why we invaded Iraq?A: Yep. Invasions always work better than inspections.Q: But after we invaded them, we STILL didn't find any weapons of mass destruction, did we?A: That's because the weapons are so well hidden. Don't worry, we'll find something, probably right before the 2004 election.Q: Why did Iraq want all those weapons of mass destruction?A: To use them in a war, silly.Q: I'm confused. If they had all those weapons that they planned to use in a war, then why didn't they use any of those weapons when we went to war with them?A: Well, obviously they didn't want anyone to know they had those weapons, so they chose to die by the thousands rather than defend themselves.Q: That doesn't make sense Daddy. Why would they choose to die if they had all those big weapons to fight us back with?A: It's a different culture. It's not supposed to make sense.Q: I don't know about you, but I don't think they had any of those weapons our government said they did.A: Well, you know, it doesn't matter whether or not they had those weapons. We had another good reason to invade them anyway.Q: And what was that?A: Even if Iraq didn't have weapons of mass destruction, Saddam Hussein was a cruel dictator, which is another good reason to invade another country.Q: Why? What does a cruel dictator do that makes it OK to invade his country?A: Well, for one thing, he tortured his own people.Q: Kind of like what they do in China?A: Don't go comparing China to Iraq. China is a good economic competitor, where millions of people work for slave wages in sweatshops to make U.S. corporations richer.Q: So if a country lets its people be exploited for American corporate gain, it's a good country, even if that country tortures people?A: Right.Q: Why were people in Iraq being tortured?A: For political crimes, mostly, like criticizing the government. People who criticized the government in Iraq were sent to prison and tortured.Q: Isn't that exactly what happens in China?A: I told you, China is different.Q: What's the difference between China and Iraq?A: Well, for one thing, Iraq was ruled by the Ba'ath party, while China is Communist.Q: Didn't you once tell me Communists were bad?A: No, just Cuban Communists are bad.Q: How are the Cuban Communists bad?A: Well, for one thing, people who criticize the government in Cuba are sent to prison and tortured.Q: Like in Iraq?A: Exactly.Q: And like in China, too?A: I told you, China's a good economic competitor. Cuba, on the other hand, is not.Q: How come Cuba isn't a good economic competitor?A: Well, you see, back in the early 1960s, our government passed some laws that made it illegal for Americans to trade or do any business with Cuba until they stopped being Communists and started being capitalists like us.Q: But if we got rid of those laws, opened up trade with Cuba, and started doing business with them, wouldn't that help the Cubans become capitalists?A: Don't be a smart-ass.Q: I didn't think I was being one.A: Well, anyway, they also don't have freedom of religion in Cuba.Q: Kind of like China and the Falun Gong movement?A: I told you, stop saying bad things about China. Anyway, Saddam Hussein came to power through a military coup, so he's not really a legitimate leader anyway.Q: What's a military coup?A: That's when a military general takes over the government of a country by force, instead of holding free elections like we do in the United States.Q: Didn't the ruler of Pakistan come to power by a military coup?A: You mean General Pervez Musharraf? Uh, yeah, he did, but Pakistan is our friend.Q: Why is Pakistan our friend if their leader is illegitimate?A: I never said Pervez Musharraf was illegitimate.Q: Didn't you just say a military general who comes to power by forcibly overthrowing the legitimate government of a nation is an illegitimate leader?A: Only Saddam Hussein. Pervez Musharraf is our friend, because he helped us invade Afghanistan.Q: Why did we invade Afghanistan?A: Because of what they did to us on September 11th.Q: What did Afghanistan do to us on September 11th?A: Well, on September 11th, nineteen men, fifteen of them Saudi Arabians hijacked four airplanes and flew three of them intobuildings, killing over 3,000 Americans.Q: So how did Afghanistan figure into all that?A: Afghanistan was where those bad men trained, under the oppressive rule of the Taliban.Q: Aren't the Taliban those bad radical Islamics who chopped off people's heads and hands?A: Yes, that's exactly who they were. Not only did they chop off people's heads and hands, but they oppressed women, too.Q: Didn't the Bush administration give the Taliban 43 million dollars back in May of 2001?A: Yes, but that money was a reward because they did such a good job fighting drugs.Q: Fighting drugs?A: Yes, the Taliban were very helpful in stopping people from growing opium poppies.Q: How did they do such a good job?A: Simple. If people were caught growing opium poppies, the Taliban would have their hands and heads cut off.Q: So, when the Taliban cut off people's heads and hands for growing flowers, that was OK, but not if they cut people's heads and hands off for other reasons?A: Yes. It's OK with us if radical Islamic fundamentalists cut off people's hands for growing flowers, but it's cruel if they cut off people's hands for stealing bread.Q: Don't they also cut off people's hands and heads in Saudi Arabia?A: That's different. Afghanistan was ruled by a tyrannical patriarchy that oppressed women and forced them to wear burqas whenever they were in public, with death by stoning as the penalty for women who did not comply.Q: Don't Saudi women have to wear burqas in public, too?A: No, Saudi women merely wear a traditional Islamic body covering.Q: What's the difference?A: The traditional Islamic covering worn by Saudi women is a modest yet fashionable garment that covers all of a woman's body except for her eyes and fingers. The burqa, on the other hand, is an evil tool of patriarchal oppression that covers all of a woman's body except for her eyes and fingers.Q: It sounds like the same thing with a different name.A: Now, don't go comparing Afghanistan and Saudi Arabia. The Saudis are our friends.Q: But I thought you said 15 of the 19 hijackers on September 11th were from Saudi Arabia.A: Yes, but they trained in Afghanistan.Q: Who trained them?A: A very bad man named Osama bin Laden.Q: Was he from Afghanistan?A: Uh, no, he was from Saudi Arabia too. But he was a bad man, a very bad man.Q: I seem to recall he was our friend once.A: Only when we helped him and the mujahadeen repel the Soviet invasion of Afghanistan back in the 1980s.Q: Who are the Soviets? Was that the Evil Communist Empire Ronald Reagan talked about?A: There are no more Soviets. The Soviet Union broke up in 1990 or thereabouts, and now they have elections and capitalism like us. We call them Russians now.Q: So the Soviets, I mean the Russians, are now our friends?A: Well, not really. You see, they were our friends for many years after they stopped being Soviets, but then they decided not to support our invasion of Iraq, so we're mad at them now. We're also mad at the French and the Germans because they didn't help us invade Iraq either.Q: So the French and Germans are evil, too?A: Not exactly evil, but just bad enough that we had to rename French fries and French toast to Freedom Fries and Freedom Toast.Q: Do we always rename foods whenever another country doesn't do what we want them to do?A: No, we just do that to our friends. Our enemies, we invade.Q: But wasn't Iraq one of our friends back in the 1980s?A: Well, yeah. For a while.Q: Was Saddam Hussein ruler of Iraq back then?A: Yes, but at the time he was fighting against Iran, which made him our friend, temporarily.Q: Why did that make him our friend?A: Because at that time, Iran was our enemy.Q: Isn't that when he gassed the Kurds?A: Yeah, but since he was fighting against Iran at the time, we looked the other way, to show him we were his friend.Q: So anyone who fights against one of our enemies automatically becomes our friend?A: Most of the time, yes.Q: And anyone who fights against one of our friends is automatically an enemy?A: Sometimes that's true, too. However, if American corporations can profit by selling weapons to both sides at the same time, all the better.Q: Why?A: Because war is good for the economy, which means war is good for America. Also, since God is on America's side, anyone who opposes war is a godless un-American Communist. Do you understand now why we attacked Iraq?Q: I think so. We attacked them because God wanted us to, right?A: Yes.Q: But how did we know God wanted us to attack Iraq?A: Well, you see, God personally speaks to George W. Bush and tells him what to do.Q: So basically, what you're saying is that we attacked Iraq because George W. Bush hears voices in his head?A. Yes! You finally understand how the world works. Now close your eyes, make yourself comfortable, and go to sleep. Good night.Good night, Daddy. Southern U.S, Expressionism:01. "Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit." 02. "It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch." 03. "He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down." 04. "Have a cup of coffee-it's already been 'saucered and blowed'." 05. "She's so stuck up, she'd drown in a rainstorm." 06. "It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs." 07. "My cow died last night, so I don't need your bull." 08. "He's as country as cornflakes." 09. "This is gooder'n grits." 10. "Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor." 11. "If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it." 12. I'm bout as nervous as a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs. How come you never see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"? YOU KNOW YOU'RE A NURSE WHEN: - The front of your scrubs read: 'Nurses...here to save your ass, not kiss it!' - You occasionally park in the space with the 'Physicians Only' sign, and knock it over. - You believe some patients are alive only because it's illegal to kill them. - You always follow the rules, but you're wise enough to forget them sometimes. You can't cure stupid. - You have seen more moons than the Hubbell telescope. - You own at least three pens with the names of prescription medications on them. - You never get into an argument with an idiot, because they only bring you down to their level and then beat you with experience. - You hope there's a special place in Hell for the inventor of the call light. - You believe that saying, 'It can't get any worse' causes it to get worse just to show you it can. - You wash your hands before you go to the bathroom. - You've ever thought a blood pressure cuff would be an excellent gift for Christmas. - You've ever spent more money on a stethoscope than on a car payment. - You believe any job where you can drive to work in pajamas is a cool job. - The ER is a mixture of can do, can't do, and why the hell not! - You consider a tongue depressor an eating utensil. - You know it's a full moon without having to look at the sky. - Eating microwave popcorn out of a clean bedpan is perfectly natural. - You've been exposed to so many x-rays that you consider it a form of birth control. - You've ever had a patient with a nose ring, a brow ring and twelve earrings say, "I'm afraid of shots." - You've ever bet on someone's blood alcohol level. The limerick form is complex, Its contents run chiefly to sex, It burgeons with virgins, And masculine urgeons, And swarms with erotic effex. "The penis-enlarging pills my boyfriend bought online are working." said Linda, "Wow, I thought those were a scam." said Anne. "Nope, Anne they really work. Since taking them, he is a much bigger dick than he was a few months ago." The difference between men and women - a woman wants one man to satisfy her every need; a man wants every woman to satisfy his one need. Top 15 Reasons for Being Fired from Toys 'R Us 15. A little too much joie de vivre while demonstrating the erector set, if you know what I mean. 14. Every time you're passed over for a promotion, you stick your head in an Easy Bake Oven and threaten to "end it all." 13. You got caught adding a garage to your house using embezzled Lego bricks. 12. Numerous parental complaints about your "Tickle Me Carl The Stockboy" display. 11. You went overboard with your GI Joe Militia display by adding the Tonka truck full of fertilizer. 10. Cross-dressing the Ken and Barbie dolls and telling kids they're the new "Jerry Springer" edition. 9. The "My Little Taxidermy Kit" (with starter squirrel) is not selling. 8. Impromptu demonstrations of why Malibu Ken is not anatomically correct. 7. Got caught doing your Dolly Parton impression with basketballs again. 6. Source of reefer smoke finally traced to "nostrils" of Geoffrey the Giraffe. 5. Jaws of life needed to pull your knees out of your chest after you jackknifed a Big Wheel. 4. Caught hocking phlegm into tykes' hands and telling them it was "homemade Gack." 3. Your sales display, "Barbie's Struggle for Survival in Post-Nuclear Holocaust Malibu" was not exactly an overwhelming success. 2. Too many reports from people who swear they saw Geoffrey the Giraffe in a leather bar. 1. Regardless of the question, you answer, "Bite me, kid -- I'm on break." Apparently Irish greyhound racing authorities have banned trainers from giving dogs the anti-impotence drug Viagra in case it is used to boost their performance on the track as the drug could raise the dogs' blood pressure and therefore heart rate, making them run faster in the early stages of a race. If Viagra really does offer an advantage to these dogs, wouldn't the whole plan backfire? I mean, come on, it'd be really easy to spot which one was going to be the winner, wouldn't it? ….”and it looks like the winner is going to be Rover, by a nose....wait, that's not his nose..." Scientists have finally figured out what is wrong with blondes. The problem lies in the two halves of their brains, the left and the right. The left half has nothing right in it and the right half has nothing left in it!
"A truly perfect marriage would be one between a blind woman and a deaf man." -George Burns One day an electrician was re-wiring something on a telephone pole when he realized there was a stone in his shoe. To move the stone to a less annoying position within his shoe, he started shaking his leg. Luckily he was working in a very well-meaning community and one of those helpful citizens noticed his motions. Thinking he was being electrocuted he quickly pushed the ladder out from underneath the worker causing him to fall 30 feet to the ground, breaking both legs in multiple places and compacting three vertebrae. Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob just went straight over to Joe's place. When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work. When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her. Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Joe said that he'd started this about 6 months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn't be better. Bob thought he'd give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her. His wife burst into tears. Bob was confused and asked why she was crying. She said, "This is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!" A young airline stewardess, May, Has achieved liberation today, She screwed without quittin', From New York to Britain, It's clear she has come a long way.
Why is it women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
Redneck Sex Quiz 1) A menstrual cycle has three wheels. [True] or [False]2) Asphalt describes rectal problems. [True] or [False]3) Spread Eagle is an extinct bird. [True] or [False]4) Vagina is a medical term used to describe a Heart Attack. [True] or [False]5) The clitoris is a type of flower. [True] or [False]6) A G-string is part of a fiddle. [True] or [False]7) Semen is a term for sailors. [True] or [False]8) Anus is a Latin term for yearly. [True] or [False]9) Testicles are found on an Octopus. [True] or [False]
10) A pubic hair is a wild rabbit. [True] or [False]11) KOTEX is a radio station in Cincinnati. [True] or [False]12) Masturbate is used to catch large fish. [True] or [False]13) Coitus is a musical instrument. [True] or [False]14) Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke. [True] or [False]15) An umbilical cord is part of a parachute. [True] or [False]16) A condom is a large apartment complex. [True] or [False]17) An orgasm is a person who accompanies a church choir. [True] or [False]18) A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry. [True] or [False]19) A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle. [True] or [False]20) An erection is when Japanese people vote. [True] or [False]21) A lesbian is a person from the Middle East. [True] or [False]22) Sodomy is a special land of fast growing grass. [True] or [False]23) Pornography is the business of making records. [True] or [False]24) Genitals are people of non-Jewish origin. [True] or [False]25) Douche is the French word for "twelve." [True] or [False]
The new family in the neighborhood overslept, and their six-year-old daughter missed her school bus. The father, though late for work, had to drive her if she'd direct him to the school. They rode several blocks before she told him to turn the first time, several more before she indicated another turn. This went on for 20 minutes - but when they finally reached the school, it proved to be only a short distance from their home. The father, much annoyed, asked his daughter why she'd led him around in such a circle. The child explained, "That's the way the school bus goes, Daddy. It's the only way I know."
Philosophical differences:
Maya Angelou is strolling through a manicured public park when she comes across an unkept area of weeds and scraggly hedges. Pausing only briefly to drink in the sight, she blurts out "If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude. But DON’T complain." Walking at her own pace, Mrs. Applebaum, within earshot of the celebrated poet, riposts: "What good are poetic quotations anyway? You want to make a real difference? You have to work, work, work! And listen to your mother. You should only know from complaining!"
Zen Judaism (also known as the Tao of Hebe)
- The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single oy.
- If you wish to know The Way, don't ask for directions. Argue.
- Take only what is given. Own nothing but your robes and an alms bowl. Unless, of course, you have the closet space.
- Let your mind be as a floating cloud. Let your stillness be as the wooded glen. And sit up straight. You'll never meet the Buddha with posture like that.
- There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never visited. And whose fault was that?
- Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage is another story.
- To practice Zen and the art of Jewish motorcycle maintenance, do the following: get rid of the motorcycle. What were you thinking?
- Learn of the pine from the pine. Learn of the bamboo from the bamboo. Learn of the kugel from the caterer.
- Be aware of your body. Be aware of your perceptions. Keep in mind that not every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.
- Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Forget this and attaining Enlightenment will be the least of your problems.
- The Tao has no expectations. The Tao demands nothing of others. The Tao does not speak. The Tao does not blame. The Tao does not take sides. The Tao is not Jewish.
- Drink tea and nourish life. With the first sip, joy. With the second, satisfaction. With the third, Danish.
- The Buddha taught that one should practice loving kindness to all sentient beings. Still, would it kill you to find a nice sentient being who happens to be Jewish?
- Be patient and achieve all things. Be impatient and achieve all things faster.
- In nature, there is no good or bad, better or worse. The wind may blow or not. The flowering branch grows long or short. Do not judge or prefer. Ask only, "Is it good for the Jews?"
- To Find the Buddha, look within. Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers. Each flower blossoms ten thousand times. Each blossom has ten thousand petals. You might want to see a specialist.
- Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated?
- Zen is not easy. It takes effort to attain nothingness. And then what do you have? Bupkes.
- If there is no self, whose arthritis is this? - Though only your skin, sinews, and bones remain, though your blood and flesh dry up and wither away, yet shall you meditate and not stir until you have attained full Enlightenment. But first, a little nosh. - Accept misfortune as a blessing. Do not wish for perfect health or a life without problems. What would you talk about? - Let go of pride, ego, and opinions. Admit your errors and forgive those of others. Relinquishment will lead to calm and healing in your relationships. If that doesn't work, try small-claims court. - The Torah says, "Love they neighbor as thyself." The Buddha says there is no "self." So maybe you are off the hook.
What you COULD say when your wife asks ,"Do I look fat?”"Not to Stevie Wonder.""Big time! That's why I'm sleeping with your best friend.""Does this tie make me look stupid?""No way! You look LEAST fat in that outfit!""I guess there's not much point in asking if you mean fat with an 'f' or phat with a 'ph.'""No hablo ingles.""Yes, but it also makes you look like a pricey hooker, so things balance out.""If I answer that question, then the terrorists have won.""Okay, listen: What's important is that you not focus in a negative way on the comparison I am about to make."
"Not if you were travelling at the speed of light.""Yes, but in my country obesity suggests prosperity.""Let me jog around to your front and take a look.""No, Honey. But just to be safe, steer clear of one-legged sea captains.""Whoa! A talking couch!!""May I consult the Iraqi Minister of Information before answering that?"
THINGS YOU WILL NEVER HEAR A GEORGIA BOY SAY: Oh I just couldn't, she's only sixteen. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex. Duct tape won't fix that. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken. We don't keep firearms in this house. You can't feed that to the dog. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe. Wrestling is fake. We're vegetarians. Do you think my gut is too big? I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy. Honey, we don't need another dog. Who gives a damn who won the Civil War? Give me the small bag of pork rinds. Too many deer heads detract from the décor. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today. Trim the fat off that steak. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso. The tires on that truck are too big. I've got it all on the C: drive. Unsweetened tea tastes better. My fiancée, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl. Checkmate. She's too young to be wearing a bikini. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen. I don't have a favorite college team. Oh you Guys. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Betty Mae. Nope. No more for me. I'm driving! I really do not think women should wear short skirts and halter-tops. I always take my wife into consideration first. My woman works to hard. School was fun. No fishing tomorrow. It’s Sunday.
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